Critiques of Sales Page, please. Thank you.

by Fabian Fuller

Posted: 15 years ago 15 replies

COPY WRITING

Hi All,

I'm not much for hype, and my Sales Page is not long, either.
(Note: Revised Sales Page from 8/3/09).

My sales page is for a software application I developed. I'm putting together some short demo videos to link to the sales page as soon as I post this.

There's an eBox I threw together with GFX Writer by Incansoft while using the program the first time, so I know it's not up to par. Perhaps someone reading this will be kind enough to chime in with suggestions about it. I could not yet figure out how to add color to the box, therefore it almost blends into the white background.

Thanks,
Fabian

#critiques #page #sales

Bill Jeffels 15 years ago

Hey Fabian,

I'll be honest your page needs alot of work. Your headline, your going up and down from caps to no caps.

And then after your headline you come in with "Here's What You Get". Here's what I get?, you haven't sold me yet. You havent' created my interest in your product, made me desire it or told me about the benefits.

But don't worry. You just need a little help and I read your page it sounds like a interesting product.

You should change your opening, I found what It should be about half way down your page...

Think about how easy it can be to organize all your downloaded pdf's and more instead of having... ETC...ETC...

Fabian, then come in with your next paragraph...

What if you could down load files such as pdf's that could automatically filed in your library...ETC...ETC...

Tell them how they'll be able to get their files quickly and easily all the benefits and why they need your product.

Anyway, hope that gets you going.

Take care,

Bill Jeffels
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- Fabian Fuller 15 years ago
  
  Hi Bill,
  
  Thanks very much for your suggested changes. I'll make them today.
  
  Fabian
  
  Thanks
  
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Raydal

15 years ago

I've done a quick critique for you with some suggestions that you
may want to consider. See the attached file.

Cheers!

-Ray Edwards

P.S. Forgive the bad spelling.

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Fabian Fuller

15 years ago

Thank you, Ray,

Your comments are wonderful and very much appreciated.

Fabian

Originally Posted by Raydal

I've done a quick critique for you with some suggestions that you
may want to consider. See the attached file.

Cheers!

-Ray Edwards

P.S. Forgive the bad spelling.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1029873].message }}

Scott Murdaugh

15 years ago

Nice critique Ray...

You mind if I ask what software you use for that? I have MindJet, I use it for Mind Maps, but I hadn't considered it for things like this...

I like the idea of being able to comment directly on a letter like that.

Thanks,

-Scott

Thanks
1 reply

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Raydal

15 years ago

Originally Posted by scottspfd82

Oh, that's just MS WORD using the the "Review > New Comment" feature.
I use this sometimes to do critiques for my students along with the
video critiques.

Pretty handy.

-Ray Edwards

Thanks

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avani 15 years ago

A few quick points (I admit to only skimming through the page, haven't read it in every detail):

* Watch out for the headline. What does "even Scattered" mean? Okay, I figured - but I don't think that's very good English, nor does it instantly capture the essence of what your s/w does. I had to read all of the first couple of paragraphs to figure out. Why not tweak the headline a little, and follow it with something like:

DLRoundUP is to PDF what iTunes is to MP3!!!

That would make the purpose of your loud/clear/immediate.

*Use the Windows logo as a graphic element and add a "supported" or "compatible with" or something like that under it.

*Please highlight the price! I skimmed down to find the price quickly, and wasn't able to - had to read more carefully

*The list right at the end can be styled to look better. I'm not sure I like the default bullets, and the "->" arrows - can't you use little transparent pngs that look slightly better, instead?

Hope this helps, just an initial take on it. Will come back here soon

Good luck, cheers!
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bceme2000 15 years ago

Very Bare from the beginning. You need either a header graphic or a picture that doesn't take away from the initial message to start out with. Begin there, and then move onto aesthetics for the rest of the sales copy.
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Fabian Fuller 15 years ago

Revised Sales Page from 8/3/09.

I've tried to incorporate many of the Warrior suggestions made here to make the page more benefit (What's In It For Me) oriented.There's still no header graphic (unfortunately) as a good one is beyond my capability right now. And the eBox still could use improvement.
- Thanks
- 2 replies
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- Kyle Tully 15 years ago
  
  I don't really see a market here.
  
  Who are you selling to? How are you reaching them?
  
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  avani 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Kyle Tully
  
  I don't really see a market here.
  
  Who are you selling to? How are you reaching them?
  
  I think it's really anyone who uses Windows with a load of PDF files that are scattered all over. I personally cannot vouch for the utility of this particular software, not having tried it yet, but I can imagine that if well-done, this would be useful. I like to "visualize" all the "stuff" I have, and a good deal of my stuff is either pdf or mp3 or code. There are popular ways of organizing mp3s and code, not as many for pdfs (although there are some neat things that have come up recently).
  
  Personally, I'd like to see online storage where I can dump some stuff and let the software sync both copies.
  
  The main drawback of this product, from what I can see, is that it doesn't come across as something really substantial. People who are software-savvy look for a CNET rating or at least an established company backing up the code. You could get away with selling the simplicity/elegance of the software, but you need to be really slick about it!
  
  As for how the audience is reached, I suppose some standard techniques will be used eventually - advertising (paid, forums, article marketing, word of mouth), incentives, affiliate programs, etc?
  
  Cheers,
  Avani
  
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  Salespectus 15 years ago
  
  Hi,
  
  Just a few comments on your sales page.
  
  Even though it's a short sales page, I couldn't quickly differentiate between the blocks of text that talk about the major benefits your customer gets from your software, and how the software works.
  
  Perhaps adding a subheading for the list of benefits and another subheading for features ie how it works would make your copy clearer.
  
  Cheers
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Bill Jeffels 15 years ago
  
  Hi Fabian,
  
  Yes, I like it better then the old one.
  
  I like the intro "If you can click a mouse, then you can organize...". That tells your prospects how easy and fast it really is.
  
  Nice to see someone use the advice that has been given to them to make improvements.
  
  Best,
  
  Bill Jeffels
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
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  " You Are One Sales Letter Away From Being Rich " --Gary Halbert
  
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- avani 15 years ago
  
  Wow, I think that takes care of my comments, at any rate!
  
  I'll see if I can whip up a header and background graphic for you sometime this week - like someone else pointed out, the "look" is rather bare. You may want more attractive screenshots (or a larger number, with more details), perhaps a separate page called "Screenshots" would be in order.
  
  Justify the text in the paragraphs that are in the table, I think it would look nicer.
  
  I'm not sure I like the big red arrows near the green button, but that's really a matter of taste and up to you.
  
  A rounded corners design would take away some of the blandness. I can again help you there sometime towards the end of this week.
  
  More (real) testimonials would be reassuring.
  
  A nicely done, short manual available in PDF (for everyone, irrespective of whether they buy) would be nice too.
  
  Long-term suggestion:
  
  You may want to develop (or get developed) an iphone/itouch app corresponding to this and expand to the Mac platform to increase your audience
  
  Cheers,
  Avani
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
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Critiques of Sales Page, please. Thank you.

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