My First Sales Letter Ever. Is it Any Good?

It's a start. But save your money, it won't convert.

Why?

I want you to read it again in the morning. And this time, I want you to look for any emotion you may have infused in it.

I looked, but I couldn't find any.

Remember the basics: AIDA. Where's the desire? Where's the pain?

Sell the dream. Twist the knife. And THEN justify your offer with logic.

I hope that helps you learn.

- Rick Duris

Thank you Rick! I really appreciate your answer.

I haven't thought about that while writing. And now, back to the notebook

Btw. should I write these benefits in some other way? Now, when I read them again I'm not that much convinced into buying.

It's like I'm reading from a big ole book in the library, long after the Grand Canyon has been swept away by a tsunami.

Just freewheelin' here, and the details won't all fit your stuff, but I'm looking for more fun this Summer myself, and this is the kinda thing I'd wanna read.

Won't work for everyone, and it's off the cuff kinda crud, but this would get me to Scotland if it dropped. They have kilts there, yanno.



Why Your Travel Agent Would Rather Run To The Hills
Than Tell You This


Dear Reader,

Like you, your travel agent LOVES faraway destinations.

Think of anyplace you'd like to be right now.

(If you're somewhere crummy, dream hard!)

Dream it for real, let it ooze into your soul and smile up your heart.

Sand, sea, horizons — mmmmmm, who isn't going to buy into that baby?

Thing is, if you're buying, you have to fix up the right deal.

Or you LOSE.

And if you're a travel agent, that means buying up pleasure seekers just like you, cheap as they can. In bulk.

Result?

Buy your dream vacation from these guys, and you're throwing dollars down the pan to hit on the perfect panorama.

(And yes, sometimes these guys use their profits to photoshop their brochures, so watch out on that one too.)


Do things my way, and you save. Hey — you win!

I'm like you, I just want to go places, see the world.

Treat my fam, my friends — myself!

Back in the day, I levelled with the travel guys, but most of the deals left me flat broke.

So I figured there might be another way.

A place in the sun that wouldn't burn a hole in my wallet.

Took a while to work out how to get there, and I took a few wrong turns along the way, but all the time I'm thinking, too bad — but at least I ain't paying through the nose for the pleasure!

And isn't that the American way?

Blazing your own trail and all?

So now I have it all ironed out.

A surefire way to save 25-70% on any vacation, and leave those travel guys screaming down the house from their lonely hilltop.

So why am I telling you all this?

Letting you in on the secret of great value vacations makes me feel good, pure and simple.

I get to pay something forward to people who might be stuck with a bum deal like I was.

And, yeah, maybe there's room for a smile of satisfaction too.

Travel Guys: You're Fired!


[dunno your full pitch but I guess it comes next...]


Quick edit — gotta love off the cuff for the goober factor. See how that 1st bracket is waaaay insulting? Hey, I'll not only fix up your holidays, I'll help you move outta your shithole of a home too.

Not reading the rest. Pick any lines you wanna use and eviscerate the rest.

The piece needs a complete rewrite. Until that's done, patching things here and there is unlikely to prove fruitful.

As for the fascinations specifically? Unfortunately, I was unmoved. No emotions, little curiousity, little specificity.

"What not to eat on an airplane" comes to mind. If you know what I'm talking about, go hunt that piece down.

I appreciate you asking questions and wanting to learn.

- Rick Duris

Hey Maestro, there are plenty of people round here who think English ain't my first language either, so don't go crazy.

I was just flooping the doop there.

See?

What in hell does that mean?

Certainly agree with Rick: you gotta shoot a few more emote bolts alongside the 'facts'.

Facts count for shit sometimes, which is why insurrections are always so goddamn dangerous.

Oh no.

She's done it again.

Another phrase for me to swipe…

"shoot emote bolts"

Which I may adapt to…

"Fire off powerful emotional bolts"

I like it.


Steve

(puts another $ in the Princess B fund)

How about that…

A genuinely appreciative critique customer.

Taking all the ideas onboard and rewriting the piece.

And as suggested looking up and studying one of the copywriting greats.

No complaining, no winging or any "I'm right and you're all wrong" attitude.

Not bad when you've just had a baptism of fire from Mr Duris and Princess B.

Good luck with everything, I hope it's a success.


Steve

Ahhh yes, the 3 word to 5 word.

It's because I can swipe it but I can't steal it.

Gotta adjust it slightly.


Steve


P.S. Providing I can fit the copy onto a postcard or flyer I'm good.

It precludes long, long, yawn. yawn spiels thank goodness.

Here's what (I think) the audience says...

Them - "Wanna sell me something using that piece of card or paper"

Me - "Yes"

Them - "Well don't f*** about, just get on with it"


It's always surprised me how well this works.

hhhm so yeah I'm keeping that one but I figure I owe you a swap for the kilt deal.

Something will roll on along. Gotta.

As for postcards, any words will stick, long as you use evergreen inko glue.

Emotes, wrote, stuck on you etc.

"Hand emboss a shuriken greeting all you like - all your peoples will feel is pain."

Think that was Keats.

I like the 1st reason you added the coin, but not the other two. No one's gonna stick a coin in their wallet, then pull it out later, saying "gee, that reminds me..." Disconnect.

"In the last few years I have been traveling a lot."
Tell us where and be descriptive. Show us. Get us involved in the world traveler mindset and lifestyle. After all they ARE your target...right?

"So, I've learned many tricks that you will not hear from your travel agent, or find on internet
forums, blogs or social media..."

Tricks? Nah. Secrets. Yeah...

"Last year I have decided to write a guide with all this information and offer it to the visitors of my country."

Why did you decide to do that? Were you pissed? Did you wanna "stick it to the man?" Why? Get us involved in your anger/outrage.

EXTRA THOUGHT: Dan Kennedy always says this about sales letters, basically they should be as long as is needed to sell the product. Don't be limited by a two-page mindset/format. By fleshing it out, you'll convey more emotion, and in turn get it to work better.

Instead of a coin, I would put a small baggie of weed*

And then I would proceed to tell them about my wild trip to Amsterdam and I how managed to get there and have fun for less than $300.

And then explain how I want them to have the same life-changing experience as I did, because money shouldn't be a barrier to prevent them from doing that.

So tell them a story about how you had a great trip even if you were on a budget because you had access to all these resources no one knows about (great tip yragcom1, "secrets" vs. "tricks")

Then I'd continue with the bullets.

"How to visit some museums for free. Even in big cities like Paris."

"Some museums" sounds like you're giving me the crappy ones. Remove "some" or use "select"

Alternatively, I'd rewrite this to

"How to trick museum guards into letting you in for free (works great in Paris)...revealed on pg. 32"

Aside from the fact that they're about to discover some dirty jedi mindtrick (thus making this even more compelling beyond saving money), you're also giving the reader the page number, proving them that this is actually real. Now that would be a proper "fascination" (a kind of of bullet first pioneered at Boardroom). Something so incredible that I'd call bullshit on... unless you revealed the exact page number for me to read it.

I don't know the exact method you reveal, but you get the idea: make it irresistible.

---

* might be illegal, but the idea is to tie it to their trip somehow. Make it unique.

Your sales letter is very good, mostly because it's not just saying "hey, look at my products, if you buy it will solve all your problems."

I notice your focus is providing value, and demonstrating your expertise, Which of the core elements of a good marketing piece that are going to build trust with customers, and make you successful.

Then, once your customers know you're credible, you then tell them what they're going to get from your product, and offer your product.

I tend to be very critical of sales letters more often than not, mostly because I am with my own, but I can't say much about this one other than that it's in excellent sales letter!