Squeeze Page - Critique Please

In case you haven't noticed, there is a sticky in this subforum that gives a great checklist to go through before asking to be critiqued.

http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-critique.html

I'm guilty of asking before going through the checklist, and the guys here set me straight. I'm going through this myself this weekend with my own copy.

There are so many "tells" that this is crap, that it's not worth giving up the email.

The design, the graphics, the copy, the offer...

But you wanna know something? Sometimes ugly DOES work.

About 3 months ago, I put together an idea I had for a Client. He rushed it out there, just to see if it had legs.

It did.

I was shocked how crappy it looked. Today, he's obsessing over everything as he gets ready for cold traffic.

In your case, I'd start with the offer. Right now, it's screams BS.

Good luck.

- Rick Duris

Lost me at "Attention All Ladies". Great example on how NOT to do a squeeze page. Complete and utter rubbish that deserves to die an inglorious death.

There are many examples of good squeeze pages available for free. For instance - 36 Creative Landing Page Design Examples - A Showcase and Critique

All I did was enter "Converting squeeze page designs" into a thing called "Google". You should try it sometime.

O.P. tells me he used this checklist of Jeff Johnson's - http://talta-launch.s3.amazonaws.com...at%20Sheet.pdf

You'll notice he recommends several landing page and split-testing tools.

Thank you all for your honest comments. That's what I needed. I will work on it. Thanks!

Hi all, what do you think of the following 2 headlines?

"DISCOVER The 7 Simple Steps Thousands Of Women Are Using To Get Their Men To Fall Hopelessly In Love... Even When You Have Been Together For A Long Time..."

Or

"Do You Have The Loving Relationship You Know You Deserve? If Not, Then You Need To Know The 7 Simple Steps Thousands Of Women Are Using To Get Their Men To Fall Hopelessly In Love."

The second headline was written from a female's perspective. However my female friends actually preferred the first headline.

Would appreciate some opinions here, especially the female ones!

Cheers.

Hey man, congrats on taking your site set up and running! You did some things wrong and you also did some things right, so hang in there.

If you’re going to learn how to hit a baseball, take a lot of swings and make a lot of mistakes. (Just try not going broke while you’re learning! Ha ha!)

One of the things you did right was you asked people on this forum for help, and considering how blunt and snarky some of them are,(not mentioning any names) it really takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there.

However, LISTEN TO THEM because they really know their art. Not only that, but these are some of the finest and kindest people around. The info they give you is excellent and worth its weight in gold.

Like some of them already mentioned, your prehead and headline need to be rewritten.
On a page of this nature, your prehead should state the big problem and perhaps address a very specific group or person you are writing to.

The reason for this, is you want to qualify the prospect as soon as possible. You don’t want to waste the reader’s time reading an ad that isn’t for them and then have them get mad at you.

The headline is the solution to the problem you presented in the prehead. However, you need to present the solution in the way of benefits. You also want to create curiosity in the headline as well so that your prospect will want to read the rest of your page.

This is copywriting 101 stuff, but you need to learn some of the basics. Ask around and see what courses or mentors these guys recommend.

If you are going to be creating sales pages or sites that sell, I would highly recommend the free eBook by unBounce called “The Ultimate Guide to Conversion Centered Design” it will show you exactly how to set up lead generating landing pages or click through landing pages that take the customer through the whole purchase process.

Anyway, I hope this helps some.

God Bless, my friend!

ELMO

These headlines are just clunky. Too many words. I'd recommend "use" instead of "are using" - active voice is much better in this situation. But you have bigger problems.

You're trying to focus on two markets here: women who do not have a relationship, who want a man to fall in love with them, and women who are in a loveless or lackluster relationship. Pick one and focus on it, you can always do something for the other niche later, or even just separate marketing campaigns.

Also, this comes across as dishonest. The women I know don't want to "get" a man to fall in love with them. They just want him to fall in love with them for who they really are. See the difference? Maybe the controversy is a smart move, but I'd frame it as the seven simple ways men fall in love. When a woman understands those seven ways/steps, men will naturally fall in love with her because she understands and appeals to men at a deep, effortless level.

Hope that helps. I know I didn't address the headlines that much, but I think you need to focus on the quality of your offer and make sure this doesn't reek of desperation (yours as a seller or hers as a woman) before worrying about the what-word-goes-where stuff.

You won't get too many quality optins with this.

You should seriously scrap the entire thing and start from scratch.

Maybe pay someone to help you. Because based on what I'm looking at, the amount of time it will take to get where you want to be, you'd probably be better off paying someone $300 and learning somethings along the way.