Need Critique For My First Landing Page!

by emmy33
4 replies
Hey guys,

I'd love it if some of you guys with experience could look over my first sales page, I used some other long form sales pages as an example (I also looked through this sticky, which was very helpful: http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-critique.html). It's not mobile ready right now and the page loading is kind of slow because I haven't compressed images yet so don't worry about that. Let me know what you think!

URL: Burning Fat Starts In The Kitchen

Emmy
#critique #landing #page
  • It's pretty generic right now.

    The subheadline promises to show me how to "increase my metabolism," and "transform my body into a fat burning machine."

    "Increase your metabolism" is a common promise. What's different about your offer that you can highlight here? Something about how you discovered the method, or the method itself, or the social or scientific proof of the method.

    Get more specific with the second promise, too. How long will it take? How hard will it be? What will the quantifiable results be? Emotional results?

    In the weight loss niche, we've all seen a million offers and a million angles. Being generic will kill you. Find a way to stand out.
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  • Profile picture of the author emmy33
    Thanks for the reply Ben I changed up a lot of those things!
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    • Profile picture of the author MrJman006
      Hey Emmy!

      First I want to comment on your images. Really great selection. They really get me excited to see all the healthy recipes you are offering and get me excited about dieting (or rather eating well). I am not over weight, but am recently improving my diet, so you might even have a customer in me

      Ok back to copy review.

      Headline:
      I will agree with what Ben said about the headline needing to be changed a bit (even after your edits). As a customer, I am looking for how this product can help me. You state this in your sub-headline, but the font is so small I barely notice it before the next big headline "Is Your Slow Matabolism..." draws my attention. I would really play up the "transform your body into a fat burning machine" and "in just 1 week" more. They are more important than the question, "Is your matabolism slow?" because they state the promise you are going to make to me as a customer. I don't care so much about slowing my matabolism. The only reason I actually do care is so I can be losing the fat in 1 week. That's why I would play that part up more.

      Attention Grabber:
      This may be something you need split testing to prove, but I also think you could draw potential customers in more by leading strait into your personal story after your headlines and move the quote to an appropriate spot later in your copy.

      Bonus Section:
      I like the bonuses, but you really need to sell them more. You list the titles and why the concept outlined in each bonus is important, but you don't really tell me anything specific about how this bonus is going to specifically help me or what it can do for my weight loss efforts. This leads me into my next key point.

      Skimmer Friendly:
      There are a lot of people out there, myself included that first skim something and then go back and dive in if we are still interested. When I first looked at your copy, I skimmed it to see how I felt after. This is why I commented on your pictures. They really got me excited and hungry, but at then end of it all I had no idea what specifically your product would help me do. You need more sub-headlines that catch readers attention and bullet points highlighting key points about your product. These kind of things draw my attention to the points I am really interested in and leave no doubt in my mind that this product is for me. Otherwise I might miss some key benefit you have buried in the paragraphs. Even though you have them in bold, since there are so many bold sections a reader might start just grazing over them. Notice how even in my post I used headlines to draw your attention to my key points you should really care about.

      If I had just all of this in paragraphs, you might not pickup on all of the data I want to convey. You also might just be happy with your headline section and only care about what I had to say about your bonuses. You know exactly what I am giving you at a glance and can jump to the relevant sections you care about.

      Aside from that, I think you are on a great start. The product itself looks great, the images are very nice, and I really like the FAQ section. You have bonuses that are enticing. Keep rolling with it and you should be good to go!

      - MrJman006
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      • Profile picture of the author emmy33
        @MrJman006 Thanks so much for the detailed critique, I feel like I'm realizing more and more now that the most important part of the page is the very top to get people hooked. Do you have a suggestion for possible titles? Also it's "metabolism" not "matabolism", the English major in me can't handle misspellings :p!

        @Complex Thanks for the feedback, I'm new to this forum but I do agree that it seems like a lot of the accepted practice here is to be really scammy. I hope I can sell my book by just being me, I'll definitely include more of my personal story in the post!
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