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Another Sales Letter Critique Request

by paulam
7 replies
Hi, everyone. I'm brand new to the forum, but I've been devouring as much of the information on the board as possible.

I've been writing for a long time (and getting paid to do so), but I'm finding it very, very difficult to get new clients--especially new clients that want to pay more than a few bucks for every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears I can pour into their copy. In my attempt to gain more clients, and hopefully more income, I'm gearing up to try "new" avenues for getting my name out there.

In that vein, I wrote the attached one page sales letter with the intention of sending it to targeted potential clients. Any chance anybody would be willing to give it a quick read and let me know if it's any good? I would really appreciate any and all feedback!

(Please keep in mind that I'd like to keep it as short as possible, but I'm open to expanding it a bit if that is the consensus.)

Paula
#copywriting #critique #letter #marketing #request #sales #sales letter
  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Short and sweet: a good 80% of your letter is me me me I I I and very little "what's in it for you".

    What will this do for them?

    Why is this important?

    What pain will they/their businesses experience if they continue to limp along without your professional help?

    Your "catch" is likely to wind up shooting you in the foot, depending on how you structure the critique. Be careful not to do the work so well that they hire someone else to execute your recommendations.

    That said, your writing is tight and to the point. I just think you missed the point, which is what you can do for them.

    I'd urge you NOT to do free unless you're using it as a loss leader for a killer offer.

    But seriously, you offer great value for free and you're going to be attracting people who constantly undervalue and undercut your work.

    This is probably why you're struggling to find higher end clients.

    Those guys don't care about free. They care about results.
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    • Profile picture of the author paulam
      Awesome! I really appreciate the candid critique. I'll go back and rework it so that it's about the client and not me.

      And thank you for the feedback on the general premise of "free" work. I admit that I'm hesitant to make such an offer which should probably be a red flag in itself. I'll work on an offer that is less likely to hurt so bad when I get a client to bite!

      Ok, back to the drawing board for this fledgling. Seriously, thanks a million!

      Paula
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  • Profile picture of the author Complex
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    • Profile picture of the author paulam
      I think you made some very good comments and I will, in fact, take them to heart and act on them. I'm always open to advice/direction/constructive criticism.

      Social networking isn't my favorite thing because it does seem most everyone else present is in a boat similar to mine: solopreneur with no real budget for hiring help. But...I can be quite social when it matters. Guess it's time I act like it matters.

      Thank you!
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      • Profile picture of the author JesseGilbert1
        Banned
        The catch is this: once you receive your free website or marketing material analysis and you see how my suggested changes will improve your bottom line, I'd like you to consider hiring me to do the work.

        I would maybe rephrase that part. Something like: Consider hiring me to rewrite it for better results at x cost. Maybe give an idea of your ballpark fees upfront. When dealing with copywriters price ranges vary (some go for a few hundred, others ask for thousands) so it might help to get an idea of what pay level approximately you are looking for. Also if you have any testimonials for credibility that can help like a list of past types of work. I like the look of the letter but it could use more info in my opinion.
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  • Profile picture of the author ryanmilligan
    Banned
    Okay, the start I liked. To be perfectly honest though the general population don't even know what copy is. They know a sales page when they see one but they don't know coulor psychology, imagery, the use of bolded and italic font types along with different fonts.

    You aren't actually talking about how good you are at what you do, you're just talking about what you do and you'll do it for free. Can I say one thing though, if someone is good at something they 99% of the time will not do it for free and it isn't your actual ability that puts the zeros on the end of your salary (Once you reach a certain point).


    You need to tell people HOW good you are at what you do and EXACTLY WHY they can't say no.

    I hate seeing 'FREE' splattered everywhere when someone is actually clearly trying to sell you something. You are trying to sell your service, so why are you making it look like people can just take it. Why is it that you as an individual would be willing to actually do something for nothing?

    No, probably not. So don't fly about the place (excuse the pun) advertising that you are going to. It makes you seem because you offer a cheaper service than what your competitors that it isn't as adequate at completing what the client needs done.

    Which is only up to to prove.


    Sell yourself. Whatever you're good at is exactly what you tell them because then they will know what they want.

    It's pretty common that people don't actually have a clue what they really want. A rough idea - but they need someone to fill in the blanks. That's YOU.
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  • Profile picture of the author paulam
    Thanks, JesseGilbert1 and ryanmilligan. I appreciate the feedback. I'm busy incorporating (trying) what everyone has suggested. It's a lot, but definitely all quality. Thanks again to everyone!
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  • Profile picture of the author TJoseph
    Very useful information here.

    Another thing I could add to the bucket of gold is, as you work on your sales letter position yourself in such a way that they come seeking you out.

    A very good way of doing this is to direct them to your existing portfolio - which could be your website or even more interestingly your Youtube page.

    And why Youtube you might ask?

    You'll be able to show them your skills in action.

    Take the work you've already done and walk them through the process you took to arrive at each segment of it on video.

    You'll basically be selling yourself on autopilot.

    - TJoseph
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