Can I get some feedback on my sales letter?

11 replies
Hey there,

let me just get to the point, I'm trying to start a list, and I just need to know if my emails are any good, are they convincing enough that someone would want to buy? I read a couple of Copywriting books that really helped me out (Cashvertising and How to make your Advertising make money) and I feel like I've gotten a little better at it, I just want to know your guys opinion. Is it good or bad? What can I get better at? My niche is on making money online


"Want to know how you can make $104 to $1143/per day
using just YouTube and CPA offers?

Of course you do.

Lets face it, making money on YouTube can be
a little tricky sometimes, if you don't have things set up in
the right place all your hard work can go to waste.

That's why when you start your YouTube marketing
campaign it is KEY that you have a blueprint or a plan.

With [PRODUCT NAME] you'll get that exact plan
that'll show you how to put all the pieces together
to make it click, you'll learn how to use
the power of CPA offers with YouTube traffic to easily
make up to $1k per day on autopilot.

*affiliate link*

They'll show you how to optimize everything so that
your YouTube videos are making the most out of every click.
You"ll learn how to use custom thumbnails and catchy titles
that will literally SKY ROCKET your views and traffic.

You'll also learn the BEST way to get specific keywords
that will laser target traffic, so that you get the right customers
every time.

If you are still struggling trying to make money on
YouTube this is the opportunity to take...

because you'll get a PROVEN method that has
worked time and time again for them, and they are
sharing the EXACT method they are using with you.

Personally, I think this is a great chance to keep building
on your YouTube knowledge, using [PRODUCT NAME]
will help you make EVEN more money on YouTube,
its a great chance to become more experience in the
YouTube Marketing game..

I highly recommend you take this chance..

*affiliate link*"
#feedback #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author EzraWinter
    I'd start by running it through this: Hemingway Editor

    Amazing free tool. The FK metric revolutionized my copy when I first started.
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    • Profile picture of the author TjarkHartmann
      Originally Posted by EzraWinter View Post

      I'd start by running it through this: Hemingway Editor

      Amazing free tool. The FK metric revolutionized my copy when I first started.
      I use this, but I hope you're not suggesting that all he needs to do is tidy up his sentences.
      Signature

      Tjark: Pronounced like "Jacques" in Jacques Cousteau.

      www.TjarkHartmann.com

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  • Profile picture of the author Copydog
    I'd start with your headline – the most
    important part of your sales letter.

    You have:

    "Want to know how you can make $104 to $1143/per day
    using just YouTube and CPA offers?"

    I'd shorten this to:

    "How to Make as Much as $1143 a Day
    With YouTube and CPA Offers"
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    • Profile picture of the author Jennifer Hutson
      Originally Posted by Copydog View Post

      I'd start with your headline - the most
      important part of your sales letter.

      You have:

      "Want to know how you can make $104 to $1143/per day
      using just YouTube and CPA offers?"

      I'd shorten this to:

      "How to Make as Much as $1143 a Day
      With YouTube and CPA Offers"
      I personally hate headlines like this and feel they come off as disingenuous. It's an instant way to show people you made up an imaginary number and are BSing them.
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      • Profile picture of the author splitTest
        Originally Posted by Jennifer Hutson View Post

        I personally hate headlines like this and feel they come off as disingenuous. It's an instant way to show people you made up an imaginary number and are BSing them.
        Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

        "Want to know how you can make $104 to $1143/per day
        using just YouTube and CPA offers?

        There is ZERO newness, excitement, or differentiation in this. It's not even believable in this day and age of endless MMO (make money online) offers.
        This is correct.

        OP - do you realize there are million and one offers out there just like yours, saying virtually the same thing? And that very, very few of them are making any money at all? ...Because their target audience is too smart for this BS by now?

        You gotta somehow break through & stand out ... You need a good USP and a "break-through-the-clutter" way of presenting it.
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        • Profile picture of the author rick323
          yeah, and my bad that wasnt my headline, it was part of my copy. I've noticed on many lists that I've subscribed on that people don't seem to put much emphasis on headlines, which makes me wonder if they still matter as much.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Rick, brace yourself. This may sting.

    "Want to know how you can make $104 to $1143/per day
    using just YouTube and CPA offers?

    There is ZERO newness, excitement, or differentiation in this. It's not even believable in this day and age of endless MMO (make money online) offers.

    Of course you do.

    Don't tell me what I think - you're wasting real estate and potentially activating my kneejerk "NO I DON'T" response.


    Lets face it, making money on YouTube can be
    a little tricky sometimes, if you don't have things set up in
    the right place all your hard work can go to waste.

    So you imply this is easy in your headline, and then tell me it's tricky and hard work that could be wasted. What?


    That's why when you start your YouTube marketing
    campaign it is KEY that you have a blueprint or a plan.

    Most people get that they need to plan complicated things before starting them. Why does your plan matter? Why is it magic if I'm struggling?

    With [PRODUCT NAME] you'll get that exact plan
    that'll show you how to put all the pieces together
    to make it click, you'll learn how to use
    the power of CPA offers with YouTube traffic to easily
    make up to $1k per day on autopilot.

    You've told me nothing about this plan, how it works, why I should jump on this offer, that I haven't heard with a million spammy [INSERT PRODUCT NAME] advertisements before.


    *affiliate link*

    They'll show you how to optimize everything so that
    your YouTube videos are making the most out of every click.
    You"ll learn how to use custom thumbnails and catchy titles
    that will literally SKY ROCKET your views and traffic.

    You'll also learn the BEST way to get specific keywords
    that will laser target traffic, so that you get the right customers
    every time.

    The hint of a unique benefit, but so brief as to be a shooting star; passing glimpse of brightness, quickly buried by night.


    If you are still struggling trying to make money on
    YouTube this is the opportunity to take...

    So does the market you're targeting not include people new to MMO? 1) That should reinforce the notion of been there, seen that I mentioned above. 2) If it DOES include people new to MMO, you've just introduced a thought of "oh crap...was there something I should have done prior to this? Will this be too complicated?"

    because you'll get a PROVEN method that has
    worked time and time again for them, and they are
    sharing the EXACT method they are using with you.

    Proven by whom? Where is this alleged proof?


    Personally, I think this is a great chance to keep building
    on your YouTube knowledge, using [PRODUCT NAME]
    will help you make EVEN more money on YouTube,
    its a great chance to become more experience in the
    YouTube Marketing game..

    Personally, I don't know you. So unless I'm on your list and we have a relationship, I really don't see myself rushing to buy something you personally recommend.

    I highly recommend you take this chance..

    Wasted real estate begging for a strong don't-miss-out style call to action.


    *affiliate link*"


    ______________________________________

    Further notes:

    You're only scratching the surface, man.

    There are a lot of assumptions and not enough demonstration - demonstration that you understand the unique problems and challenges they face, demonstration that the product actually works, demonstration of your expertise in being uniquely qualified to confidently recommend this as THE solution.

    Where are the benefits? You've buried them under generic hype.

    And what's the traffic source? Email? Warm list? Cold list? Purchased/rented list? Where do they land when they click that affiliate link - another sales page that tells them exactly what you just told them? An upsell or cross-sell page?

    There's a LOT more to think about in creating a strong, compelling offer than just the flow of words. But when it comes time to focus on words, you're missing a critical element - persuasion.
    Signature

    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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    • Profile picture of the author rick323
      Thanks for a truthful response, honestly I know I need a lot more work I just wanted to see how I'm doing, and what I need to improve on
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      • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
        Originally Posted by rick323 View Post

        Thanks for a truthful response, honestly I know I need a lot more work I just wanted to see how I'm doing, and what I need to improve on
        Seeking feedback is a critical step to getting better, so kudos to putting yourself out there and wanting to improve.

        The challenge you'll face is that this is a super competitive niche, and I can tell by your letter that 1) either your research isn't there, or 2) your research is there but you don't know what points to hit in order to make an effective persuasive argument.

        If you re-read my points in the deconstruction above, you'll see that there are a lot of points where I gave direction on how to improve with the questions I asked.

        Start with your goal.

        Figure out who you need to reach in order to make that goal.

        Find out where they are in terms of awareness, readiness.

        Figure out a way to stand out from the pack of wolves constantly screaming MAKE MONEY ONLINE IN YOUR UNDERWEAR - IT'S EASY AS PIE!

        Craft irresistible offer for the potential customers you've just spent a good deal of time researching, and throw yourself out there to learn some lessons.

        And hopefully the good lessons outnumber the hard lessons.
        Signature

        Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Here's the question you want to ask even before your start writing copy:

    Do you want clicks to the page? Or high EPCs?

    Every affiliate I know wants high EPCs.

    - Rick Duris

    PS: Article I've been recommending:

    The #1 Question To Ask When Writing Emails For Clients | Conversion Gods

    Might also want to hang out in the email marketing forum.
    Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author marks2424
    I think you are doing what so many try and do, you are trying to sell the product rather then just pre sell it. You really only want to get the person excited about clicking on the link to see what kind of great information or great thing is there for them to see, once they are there it is up to the people you are being an affiliate for to put together a great sales page to convince them to buy, it isn't your job to sell it is your job to as I said get them excited and interested enough to click the link. So writing with that in mind is a little different the writing to get them to buy.
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