Can I get some feedback for my salesletter?

11 replies
Hi,

I've just finished with my sales letter for a WSO I'll be launching soon. I'd like if the great minds here could criticque my copy and presentation.

wf_thread_2

Thanks
#feedback #salesletter
  • Profile picture of the author italk
    I am your target audience.

    This was tough to read. Doesn't connect with me.

    Plus, you are giving so many "negative" thoughts to us...

    As in: SEO is bullshit.

    And if someone reading this knows about Panda and Penguin, then they will also realize what you have to offer is nothing different from the rest out there.

    Of course, you also MISSED out on the most important element of the copy:

    The Proof.

    Because you need that more than "convincing."

    You don't have to tell how amazing your skills or services are...

    Show us the results...

    Not just the testimonials.
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    • Profile picture of the author StingGB
      If I lived to be 100,000 years old I'd never buy anything from anyone who addressed me as 'dude'.
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      • Profile picture of the author Raydal
        Originally Posted by StingGB View Post

        If I lived to be 100,000 years old I'd never buy anything from anyone who addressed me as 'dude'.
        I think in the copy he is referring to himself as "dude". He is speaking
        for the reader who is asking him a question.

        -Ray Edwards
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        The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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        • Profile picture of the author StingGB
          Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

          I think in the copy he is referring to himself as "dude". He is speaking
          for the reader who is asking him a question.

          -Ray Edwards
          Ray,

          He is specifically asking the reader a question, and as the reader, I consider him to be referring to me as 'dude'.

          In any case, for surfing products possibly, but this?

          Brian.
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      • Profile picture of the author jakedenver
        Originally Posted by StingGB View Post

        If I lived to be 100,000 years old I'd never buy anything from anyone who addressed me as 'dude'.
        I think most dudes would agree with my take on this. I don't want bitter yesteryear clients/customers that say stuff like this. You end up filling my inbox with your hemorrhoid induced series' of complaints, in place of the fact that you're just ... not a happy guy.

        The word "dude" has generated billions of dollars in the past 25 or so years.

        Keep your pennies, bro.

        But I didn't make it past the headline on this salespage.
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        • Profile picture of the author StingGB
          Originally Posted by jakedenver View Post

          I think most dudes would agree with my take on this. I don't want bitter yesteryear clients/customers that say stuff like this. You end up filling my inbox with your hemorrhoid induced series' of complaints, in place of the fact that you're just ... not a happy guy.

          The word "dude" has generated billions of dollars in the past 25 or so years.

          Keep your pennies, bro.

          But I didn't make it past the headline on this salespage.
          When you get to fifty cents on my dollar 'dude' drop me a line, then I'll take the lecture.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jennifer Hutson
    I don't know how you can expect anyone to give you a critique when you posted an image we can't copy/paste lines from to reference.

    No one is going to take the time to type out your copy word for word when they're already doing you a service by giving you a free critique. Time is money and all that jazz. Ya dig?

    On to the copy: It sucks.

    You don't have a unique angle. The writing is boring. No emotional hot buttons are hit. Tons of passive voice. On top of everything, you haven't had it edited for basic grammar and syntax mistakes.

    The whole thing needs to be re-worked. Start over or hire someone who knows what they're doing, because it's not going to convert in its current state.

    And next time, give us something other than an image and at least have your copy edited before asking for a critique. That's pretty basic etiquette.
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  • Profile picture of the author splitTest
    OP - since your letter is an image, you can probably just display it directly in the thread here, for everyone's convenience.

    But anyway, as everyone else has said above, the copy sucks.

    It sucks in many ways, but just to focus on this one small point:

    I know plenty people are going to disagree with me on this but you should avoid cursing in your copy (eg. "bullshit") just like you'd do in most polite business conversation. There may be a place for that kind of lingo, for effect or whatever, but those instances are exceptions... Leave it out if you're trying to reach a broad, diverse audience.

    The cursing in your copy just makes you come across as arrogant, coarse and amateurish... Would you pull out your credit card for an online pitch full of cursing? I know I wouldn't...

    ...And speaking of arrogant -- why do so many new copywriters choose that arrogant, snide, overconfident tone in their pitches? ... And the multi-line run-on header packed with implausible promises... It's sort of a trend I notice in the copy people post here for critique. Are they all reading the same book? There's more to copy than that...

    I think you'd do better if you put more thought into it... Come up with a USP... Try to be "relatable" and sound like you're genuinely serving the prospect... For starters!
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  • Profile picture of the author TJoseph
    You seem to have had quite a few ideas going through your head as you were writing.

    Make your story a bit more fluid. Dumb down on your ideas and focus on what it is you're trying to solve.

    That ONE thing.

    Then focus your writing around it.

    You're having a casual conversation with someone who needs your service.

    Would they listen to you if you read out your copy to them?

    Would they stay engaged enough to the end?
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  • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
    For me, you need way more proof.

    I think everybody in the SEO space is a little full of shit.

    You'll need to overcome that issue.

    Even companies that are good at it, it comes and goes with the newest algo update.

    You'll need to prove why you stuff workers longer term than others.

    But hey, this is a great start.

    You've got something to work from.

    Originally Posted by Tech Pyjama View Post

    Hi,

    I've just finished with my sales letter for a WSO I'll be launching soon. I'd like if the great minds here could criticque my copy and presentation.

    wf_thread_2

    Thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author MSF210
    Too over the top...too much hype with negativity mixed in. As stated in previous posts...show me the proof!
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