Experts - Can Someone Please Help With A Quick Check Of My Material?

11 replies
I've had great success from this forum and all the helpful people here. I didn't even know a copywriting section existed however. I'm hoping to find an expert who wouldn't mind helping me with a quick check of my marketing material for a lawn service flyer. I'm far from a writing expert and would greatly appreciate any critique, kind words, or expertise! A little about us? We are a lawn service that markets to more of a "full service" niche of clients, who want a completely hassle free outdoors year around. In this ad, I'm looking to go the - BENEFIT route towards customers.



3 GUARANTEED Ways You Can Benefit
From Complete Outdoor Property Care



1. Your Time Is Valuable!

Your life can be chaotic enough. Whether it be
long work hours, spending time with the kids, or
various other chores. The weekends are meant for
slowing down, relaxing, and enjoying quality family
time. A property care service will handle all the work
outside giving you time to sit back, relax, and enjoy
quality family.


2. Expert Care- Increases Property Value

Your outdoor living space creates an impact
where it counts. Not only is your outdoor living
space an area that you should be able to relax and
enjoy. The outside creates first impression that sets
an expectation for the rest of the home. A manicured
landscape will differentiate your home from other
homes with equal perceived value.


3. A Hassle Free Outdoors Year Around


A completely hassle free outdoors requires more than
cutting the grass. A complete outdoor care service will
take all the headache and hassle away by covering;
mowing, edging, and fertilizing all turf areas; keeping
beds clean, weed-free, and pruned; keeping the trees and
shrubs tidy, neat looking, and fertilized; and also include
seasonal chores such as Spring Aeration and Removing
leaves for a completely hassle free landscape.
#check #experts #material #quick
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Mike, is this going in the mailbox or newspaper?

    Best,
    Doctor E. Vile
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    • Profile picture of the author mikesgardening
      Mailer... I obviously haven't added other key points, "Guarantee / Call To Action" etc. in there yet. Just trying to come up with some wording that will appeal to the customers you are speaking of, "the full service" customers, that want the whole nine yards. We're looking to appeal to customers who are willing to spend a minimum of $200.00 a month / 12 months a year type people.
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Originally Posted by mikesgardening View Post

        Mailer... I obviously haven't added other key points, "Guarantee / Call To Action" etc. in there yet. Just trying to come up with some wording that will appeal to the customers you are speaking of, "the full service" customers, that want the whole nine yards. We're looking to appeal to customers who are willing to spend a minimum of $200.00 a month / 12 months a year type people.
        Mike, I've followed up your private message.

        Best,
        Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    I think when it comes to landscaping:

    1. Most people don't want to do it because it sucks.
    2. But they want the results.
    3. You have a lot of competition, so most people are looking for the best deal.

    I think any ad has to address those three points. EXCEPT a home owner
    is selling right away or is in a very upscale neighbourhood, he is not
    thinking about the curb appeal of his home. And I don't think that the
    time factor is a major consideration in not wanting to mow the lawn.

    Most flyer ads I see in the mail use a before and after picture for lawns
    but this is no common that you wouldn't stand out at all.

    -Ray Edwards
    Signature
    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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    • Profile picture of the author splitTest
      Originally Posted by mikesgardening View Post

      I've had great success from this forum and all the helpful people here. I didn't even know a copywriting section existed however. I'm hoping to find an expert who wouldn't mind helping me with a quick check of my marketing material for a lawn service flyer. I'm far from a writing expert and would greatly appreciate any critique, kind words, or expertise! A little about us? We are a lawn service that markets to more of a "full service" niche of clients, who want a completely hassle free outdoors year around. In this ad, I'm looking to go the - BENEFIT route towards customers.



      3 GUARANTEED Ways You Can Benefit
      From Complete Outdoor Property Care



      1. Your Time Is Valuable!

      Your life can be chaotic enough. Whether it be
      long work hours, spending time with the kids, or
      various other chores. The weekends are meant for
      slowing down, relaxing, and enjoying quality family
      time. A property care service will handle all the work
      outside giving you time to sit back, relax, and enjoy
      quality family.


      2. Expert Care- Increases Property Value

      Your outdoor living space creates an impact
      where it counts. Not only is your outdoor living
      space an area that you should be able to relax and
      enjoy. The outside creates first impression that sets
      an expectation for the rest of the home. A manicured
      landscape will differentiate your home from other
      homes with equal perceived value.


      3. A Hassle Free Outdoors Year Around


      A completely hassle free outdoors requires more than
      cutting the grass. A complete outdoor care service will
      take all the headache and hassle away by covering;
      mowing, edging, and fertilizing all turf areas; keeping
      beds clean, weed-free, and pruned; keeping the trees and
      shrubs tidy, neat looking, and fertilized; and also include
      seasonal chores such as Spring Aeration and Removing
      leaves for a completely hassle free landscape.

      That's a lot of words to sell what you're selling. Especially those big, bulky paragraphs under the subheads...

      Take off your writer's hat -- skip the self-indulgent lead-in sentences in those paragraphs... & remember - bullets are your friend in pieces like these...

      ...And you need to do something to get customers to act now, rather than later... You need an offer...

      (...& for that matter, where's your call to action?)

      ...And your USP? Do you have one? State it to us in plain language here... That might help. Sometimes the writers here even toss out a headline or two...
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        In my 12 years in the game, building
        and selling businesses, I only concentrated
        on one group of people and their sub-group.

        This group didn't need to be sold on the benefits of
        getting someone to take care of their outdoor landscape.

        They had already bought into that.

        They had already paid for it.

        The sub-group of these people I lasered focused on were the one's
        who weren't happy with their existing contractor.

        By doing so, they were ready or almost ready to change.
        I got them when they were ready to buy.

        Incentives, trip-wire offers to this group hardly moved them.

        They had a much stronger motivation.

        I tapped into it.

        It resulted in the highest prices in the industry,
        longest retention in the industry,
        hassle-free payments and premium sale prices for the businesses I sold.

        Best,
        Doctor E. Vile
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      • Profile picture of the author mikesgardening
        I haven't gotten to many of your mentioned points yet. The call to action will be at the bottom, along with a USP. I'm currently struggling with the body paragraphs right now. So your saying take out the first sentence in each paragraph?
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        • Profile picture of the author splitTest
          Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

          Oh, wording. That's what you want? Have at it...

          https://www.google.com/search?newwin...CQerdl7_g2M%3A

          No need to reinvent the wheel here.

          - Rick Duris
          Rick is right. That's the best starting point. But just for the sake of discussion...

          Originally Posted by mikesgardening View Post

          The call to action will be at the bottom, along with a USP.
          USP = "unique selling proposition"... (or "unique selling point")...ie. What's different about your product or service (or offer)? Why you, instead of the next guy? Why is doing business with you such a golden opportunity?

          Ideally your USP is made clear in the header and is woven throughout the ad...

          Sometimes it seems your product doesn't have a USP (eg. gasoline), but you should try hard to come up with one... (Price? Special offer?) Even when a product isn't really unique, marketers will try to make it so, with "image"...

          Sometimes marketers will create a "unique" selling point even when there really is none. The beer example Claude Hopkins cites in "Scientific Advertising" comes to mind. I think you should read that book if you haven't already -- it's free on the web right here: http://www.scientificadvertising.com...dvertising.pdf

          ...And re: the call to action -- if you want a critique, you probably want a critique of the call to action, too. Not all calls to action are created equal...

          Originally Posted by mikesgardening View Post

          I'm currently struggling with the body paragraphs right now. So your saying take out the first sentence in each paragraph?
          Just saying -- you shouldn't slow down the flow of your copy with extraneous words (or sentences). Your paragraphs seem to take time to unpack the thought... They can be tightened up considerably...

          Don't just ramble on, like a "writer"... Excess verbiage gives your readers places to get bored and confused, & abandon your pitch.

          No one wants to read an ad, unless it really holds their interest...Every word should be there for a reason...should carry its weight.

          ...And keep in mind, most expert copywriters recommend you focus on one thought per paragraph. How many thoughts are in the following?

          Originally Posted by mikesgardening View Post

          Your outdoor living space creates an impact
          where it counts. Not only is your outdoor living
          space an area that you should be able to relax and
          enjoy. The outside creates first impression that sets
          an expectation for the rest of the home. A manicured
          landscape will differentiate your home from other
          homes with equal perceived value.
          If all those points are necessary, bullets would be a better choice than an imposing paragraph like that...
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    With regards to your copy:

    There's nothing more pleasing to a homeowner's eye than the immaculate landscaping of their property.

    In other words, build on the visceral EMOTIONS a homeowner feels about lawn maintenance, landscaping, etc.

    How does it FEEL to be a homeowner that uses your services?

    - Rick Duris

    PS: Then get them to do something. Visit your website. Call your office. Talk to a neighbor using your services.

    Make them an introductory "can't refuse" offer.

    PPS: Way back when, I helped a local lawn maintenance guy build out his route.

    Built it out so big, he ended up selling it off for high six figures as I remember. He wanted to get into tree trimming which at the time, was even more lucrative.

    Now they're one of the largest companies of their kind in the state.

    How'd we do it? A referral system.
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  • Profile picture of the author leilani
    I was thinking that what you wrote would be great in a blog. Just my first thought when I read it.

    Leilani
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Originally Posted by mikesgardening View Post

    Mailer... I obviously haven't added other key points, "Guarantee / Call To Action" etc. in there yet. Just trying to come up with some wording that will appeal to the customers you are speaking of, "the full service" customers, that want the whole nine yards. We're looking to appeal to customers who are willing to spend a minimum of $200.00 a month / 12 months a year type people.
    Oh, wording. That's what you want? Have at it...

    https://www.google.com/search?newwin...CQerdl7_g2M%3A

    No need to reinvent the wheel here.

    - Rick Duris
    Signature
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