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Short critique: My thank you page's pre-sell copy

by Harry B
8 replies
On my thank you page for my diabetes informational website, i've listed a blurb (3 paragraphs) or so to a clickbank product, with a recommendation to check it out. With an average of $30 a sale, i'm hoping that about 1 in 30 visitors read this, click through and convert.

I'm only pre-selling this product. From there, it's up to their sales video, of course, to do the job. My mission is just to ensure lots of clicks to the sales video.

Taking a look at the 'pre-sales' copy below, do you think it can be improved upon in any way? (grabbing attention, explaining product benefits, giving an overall strong recommendation).



Thanks.
#copy #critique #page #presell #short
  • Profile picture of the author splitTest
    Originally Posted by Harry B View Post

    , i'm hoping that about 1 in 30 visitors read this, click through and convert.
    1. I'm not even in IM, and I know 1 in 30 is seriously unrealistic.

    2. I don't think you'll get much help here because we can't copy and paste your text (in order to dissect it) ~ and ~ it sounds like you're out to fleece people who are having health problems -- not an admirable use of the noble art of copywriting...
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  • Profile picture of the author fulfilledlife
    I cannot see how this copy can make people interested.

    Sure it is not sales page itself, but the message is very vague. It promises many things but fulfill or prove none.

    Few examples: you admit material is not yours, but provide no info on validity of sources. You say real doctors, but I don't see a single name to prove it. Finally you say people loved it and mention testimonials, but I see not a single one.

    Good copy is specific to the point, value and proof based sales speech. Yours have none of it.
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    • Profile picture of the author EzraWinter
      First thing I notice is the sentences are long and unwieldy.

      I would try the (free) Hemingway app: Hemingway Editor

      Or carefully use the Flesch Kincaid feature that is built into Microsoft Word. It should display at the end of a spellcheck as the "FK score." Anything above an 8-9 is usually bad news in copy.

      These resources are invaluable when it comes to writing with clarity.
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  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    What are you thanking them for? I don't get it.

    gjabiz


    Originally Posted by Harry B View Post

    On my thank you page for my diabetes informational website, i've listed a blurb (3 paragraphs) or so to a clickbank product, with a recommendation to check it out. With an average of $30 a sale, i'm hoping that about 1 in 30 visitors read this, click through and convert.

    I'm only pre-selling this product. From there, it's up to their sales video, of course, to do the job. My mission is just to ensure lots of clicks to the sales video.

    Taking a look at the 'pre-sales' copy below, do you think it can be improved upon in any way? (grabbing attention, explaining product benefits, giving an overall strong recommendation).



    Thanks.
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  • Profile picture of the author Minds Eye
    "Sifting through a lot of junk" isn't the right kind of verbage for the health crowd. People looking for real solutions to real health problems want clinical evidence. They want to be assured they're getting good advice and you're telling them you found a lot of junk.

    How about trying something more positive.

    "We've reviewed dozens of case studies, clinical trials and online forums and finally came up with something the average person can understand."

    Or better yet, if there is s study in the product (you DO have a copy of the product, don't you?) CITE it, and WHY this is a better option than some of the other reports they can find on the Internet - either free or paid.

    Give proof a shot. It works!
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    A powerful perspective on persuasion

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  • Profile picture of the author jessegilbert
    Banned
    I think it looks like the start of a good promotion. You might create a headline other than P.S. have you seen this?
    The headline could be at the top, above all of the writing, added in a row and say
    something like:

    Your Fastest Shortcut To Health & Success...

    We searched through and reviewed a number of well known leading info products that were rated above average or were high ranking by number of sales in the marketplace.

    Honestly? A lot of them were junk, potentially unsafe...

    But we did find one for you. This is handpicked and contains sensible advice on...

    and then go on to list the benefits or sell them on making the purchase.
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    • Profile picture of the author Harry B
      Thanks for the tips/ critiques. the thank you page is after people opt into my email list.

      Originally Posted by EzraWinter View Post

      First thing I notice is the sentences are long and unwieldy.

      I would try the (free) Hemingway app: Hemingway Editor

      Or carefully use the Flesch Kincaid feature that is built into Microsoft Word. It should display at the end of a spellcheck as the "FK score." Anything above an 8-9 is usually bad news in copy.

      These resources are invaluable when it comes to writing with clarity.
      Thanks for this great resource - appreciate it!


      Originally Posted by Minds Eye View Post

      "Sifting through a lot of junk" isn't the right kind of verbage for the health crowd. People looking for real solutions to real health problems want clinical evidence. They want to be assured they're getting good advice and you're telling them you found a lot of junk.

      How about trying something more positive.

      "We've reviewed dozens of case studies, clinical trials and online forums and finally came up with something the average person can understand."

      Or better yet, if there is s study in the product (you DO have a copy of the product, don't you?) CITE it, and WHY this is a better option than some of the other reports they can find on the Internet - either free or paid.

      Give proof a shot. It works!
      Great, I think i'll take this into account...thank you so much.

      Originally Posted by jessegilbert View Post

      I think it looks like the start of a good promotion. You might create a headline other than P.S. have you seen this?
      The headline could be at the top, above all of the writing, added in a row and say
      something like:

      Your Fastest Shortcut To Health & Success...

      We searched through and reviewed a number of well known leading info products that were rated above average or were high ranking by number of sales in the marketplace.

      Honestly? A lot of them were junk, potentially unsafe...

      But we did find one for you. This is handpicked and contains sensible advice on...

      and then go on to list the benefits or sell them on making the purchase.

      Again, a grea tip- makes things clearer. Appreciate it.
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  • Profile picture of the author SplashCopy
    I think it needs to be more benefit-driven. More hard-hitting. Don't be afraid of coming across as pushy - the page needs to sell the product after all.

    Why not jot down your 3 biggest selling points and try to juggle the copy around so that it leads with one or two of those?
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