Critique my copy please

9 years ago

I would rework that headline. As a potential buyer I don't care what some guy got on a plane. "You" is more powerful. So maybe try "Discover how you can..." or "Learn how to..." or something along those lines. Also, I would take out the free offer at the bottom and save it for an exit popup if you can. No one is going to buy the product when there is a free offer right next to it.

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jessegilbert

Banned 9 years ago

yeah I think Dave has a point here. I would post my suggestions on what would sell, but it might be a little over the top for posting on a forum.

also not sure the centered text or font is good, but maybe it doesn't matter...

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EzraWinter

9 years ago

Hah, well it's fun subject matter to tackle.

I appreciate your bold headline, but as other's have mentioned there's no entry point for the reader. Also you shouldn't use the word "guy" twice.

It's awfully short as sales letters go, and you have ZERO real proof.

You need statistics, testimonials, maybe texts from eager women? Examples of well know ladies men who used similar techniques?

Thanks

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RickDuris

9 years ago

ratisse, I think what you'll discover is the old copy lines about seduction DON'T work anymore.

Two reasons:

It may be great copy, but it's landing on deaf ears. Because the market has heard it all before, bought and then been discouraged by the lack of quality and results.

Not to mention the market has moved on. Technology is obsoleting the need for these types of dating/relationship skills.

Now you may scream BS at that last one, but it's true. Read on...

Club promoters are blaming Tinder for the death of the live music scene

"Tinder is destroying the millennial generation's ability to have genuine romantic relationships, or at least Vanity Fair magazine thinks so, and now it's also apparently killing off Australia's live music scene."

There's another way, but it's going to take more than copy to get you there.

In your heart, I think you know that. But I appreciate the effort.

PS: I'll let others tell you what can be improved with the copy. It will make you a better copywriter, but unfortunately conversion improvements will be hard to come by.

Good luck.

Thanks
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sethczerepak

9 years ago

Originally Posted by RickDuris

ratisse, I think what you'll discover is the old copy lines about seduction DON'T work anymore.

Two reasons:

It may be great copy, but it's landing on deaf ears. Because the market has heard it all before, bought and then been discouraged by the lack of quality and results.

Not to mention the market has moved on. Technology is obsoleting the need for these types of dating/relationship skills.

Now you may scream BS at that last one, but it's true. Read on...

Club promoters are blaming Tinder for the death of the live music scene

"Tinder is destroying the millennial generation's ability to have genuine romantic relationships, or at least Vanity Fair magazine thinks so, and now it's also apparently killing off Australia's live music scene."

There's another way, but it's going to take more than copy to get you there.

In your heart, I think you know that. But I appreciate the effort.

PS: I'll let others tell you what can be improved with the copy. It will make you a better copywriter, but unfortunately conversion improvements will be hard to come by.

Good luck.

Great stuff in this ^ response. I was thinking the same thing with the market burnout. Regarding the comments on the rise of Tinder, you really ought to ask yourself (to the OP) what your target market is. That's going to make a HUGE difference in their buying motives AND the type of experience you're promising them.

15 years ago, when I was still in my 20s, the "pick up as many hotties as you want," would have sounded like fun. But now that I'm edging closer to 40, my priorities are different. The extra drama that comes with chasing women, especially club girls, just isn't worth it. Mutual respect, trust, responsibility and all those "boring grown-up things" are a lot more important now.

So picking a target market will give you a LOT more clarity about how to reach them. Right now, it appears you're trying to appeal to everyone. That's a big mistake in marketing. If everyone is your target market, no one becomes your target market. Pick a niche within your niche. Then, hire a real writer and designer to do this job.

Sorry, but the writing is horrible. Wordy, awkward, disconnected...unfocused, voiceless. It wobbles between a creepy stream of consciousness style, like the sentences which starts with:

"Girls get dressed up for a reason...."

...and the one which starts with:

"you are about to discover advice that trumps advice..."

But then, you've got stuffy, wooden and robotic sentences like that one directly under "You Need Better Advice..."

It's awkward to the point of being serial killer creepy...and that "50 Famous Serial Killer Bios" style font doesn't help. Reminds me of one of those homeless dudes who hobbles around central park downtown with a shopping cart full of aluminum cans and an orange reflector vest, reeking of old malt liquor and urine.

Occasionally he stumbles up to some random person and starts spewing out a disjointed, "assemble yourself..." rant about something or another, but maybe about nothing. That's the vibe I get from this page.

Then, at the bottom, you totally lower your perceived value by offering to spend 30 minutes "chatting" with them, free of charge, just to convince them to buy. Lose that.

Bottom line, you need a positioning strategy first. Then you need to hire a real writer. And then, you need a cleaner and more modern design. In other words, you've got a lot of work to do before this is ready for traffic.

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Brock Poling 9 years ago

Originally Posted by sethczerepak

Great stuff in this ^ response. I was thinking the same thing with the market burnout.

Great post Seth.

I've worked a lot in the dating space, and while you're right... there is a lot of suspicion about bad products and bad advice ("been there, tried that... it didn't work.") The DEMAND is as strong as ever.

I'm going to botch the quote from Eugene Schwartz... but what did he say? 'Even though a woman may have bought diet advice that didn't work, she's still interested in losing weight.'

I think introducing the elephant in the room is the way to go -- 'you may have bought some products that didn't work or weren't right for you.' Then hit them a NEW compelling USP that shows why this is "can't fail advice" and fixes everything that's wrong with other dating products.

Also.. a couple insights about the dating market...

We've learned guys BUY on the FANTASY... being able to walk into any social situation and having the confidence and skills to talk to any woman and make her want him. But the REALITY is most guys (generally speaking) just want a GREAT GIRLFRIEND.

Even though it looks fun... not that many guys are really trying to be Dan Blizerian

I've been through tons and tons of surveys and emails from these guys and the insights are really interesting.

I think if you crack the code on this there is still BIG money here.
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SplashCopy

9 years ago

I'd definitely work on the headline. If I saw the something telling me to 'stop doing something' and I got a quick sense that it wasn't anything I was doing, I wouldn't read on.

However, if I saw the benefit first, that's going to work a lot more.

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ajwalton99

9 years ago

Like Rick said, the market has seen it all.

You need to come up with a super unique
hook or angle.

Also the whole PUA subculture has changed
drastically since the early days.

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jessegilbert Banned 9 years ago

the market has seen a lot, but there are many opportunities still available.

I regularly read things that sound good, even make me want to purchase, immediately, and I've read a lot of PUA and dating sales letters.
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- ratisse 9 years ago
  
  Thank you all for the feed back.
  
  I changed the heading to:
  
  "Get A Beautiful Girl In 60 Days Or Else This Is Free"
  
  What do you guys think?
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Tim R 9 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by ratisse
  
  I changed the heading to:
  
  "Get A Beautiful Girl In 60 Days Or Else This Is Free"
  
  What do you guys think?
  
  I don't even know what 'this' is yet, nor do I want it, so I don't care if it's free.
  
  The whole sales message is vague, generic and forgettable.
  
  It's awkwardly written.
  
  What are you even offering? I have no clear concept of what I'd actually be receiving, beyond some vague notion of 'advice'... whatever that means. You have this table at the end of what's included, without even describing what any of it is.
  
  There's no proof. No credibility. No mechanism. No big idea. No testimonials.
  
  There's virtually nothing here at all that would make me even consider forking out $400 for whatever it is you're selling.
  
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jessegilbert

Banned 9 years ago

yeah I think you really need to work on the USP
you probably can develop it, think of something and refine your product to fit that if needed.

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Lance K

9 years ago

One thing that stood out to me is that you're putting negative thoughts into their minds pretty early in the letter with the "Tired of", "Burnt out", "Depressed from" questions. With those in there, I'd add a "It's not your fault" type statement in front of the "You need better advice" statement.

The next thing I notice is that you tear down the other guys giving dating advice (not a big deal if you do it right) and claim that you're much better. But who the heck are you and why should they listen to you? NOTE: I just read a little further and see that you get into that. I'd maybe get that in sooner. Perhaps right after the "You need better advice" bit.

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Anupsardar

9 years ago

[b], [i], [u]

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jessegilbert

Banned 9 years ago

I have a new approach to the market. I'm not sure I have the time to work on it so I can give the idea here in case anyone is interested and wants to work on it. It would be a dating site where the user signs a contract that they only pay if they get married to someone they meet on the site.

The catch is, you charge them a lot...like 20k, with payment installment plans available after their marriage, or whatever price they will pay to get higher promotion within the system (sort of like a bid for how much a good marriage is worth to them).

If they end up divorced, during the payment span, they can get a discount or even absolve them of fees, so it is basically guaranteed, risk free.

You could maybe even charge a fee per child produced from any union your website helps create if you really wanted to get business minded about it.

Someone could take this idea if it is even good or viable...but I have a simple new model for the design of the site that I believe would give it a real marketing edge.

If anyone reading this is techie and competent with billing and legal and is interested in an idea like this please contact me.

Thanks
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Tim R

9 years ago

Originally Posted by jessegilbert

I have a new approach to the market. I'm not sure I have the time to work on it so I can give the idea here in case anyone is interested and wants to work on it. It would be a dating site where the user signs a contract that they only pay if they get married to someone they meet on the site.

The catch is, you charge them a lot...like 20k, with payment installment plans available after their marriage, or whatever price they will pay to get higher promotion within the system (sort of like a bid for how much a good marriage is worth to them).

If they end up divorced, during the payment span, they can get a discount or even absolve them of fees, so it is basically guaranteed, risk free.

You could maybe even charge a fee per child produced from any union your website helps create if you really wanted to get business minded about it.

Someone could take this idea if it is even good or viable...but I have a simple new model for the design of the site that I believe would give it a real marketing edge.

If anyone reading this is techie and competent with billing and legal and is interested in an idea like this please contact me.

Based on what you've written here and in other threads, I don't know if you're actually serious or just trolling these boards.

Thanks

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jessegilbert

Banned 9 years ago

I'm partially serious. I don't know if it would work but brainstorming is my specialty.

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Critique my copy please

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