2nd Attempt At Copy. Can you Critique?

6 replies
I have worked on this piece for the better part of today hoping to have written something semi-decent. I hopefully conveyed a message that would make the end receiver take some action.

#2nd #attempt #copy #critique
  • Profile picture of the author Cporter221
    What do you think about shortening it up a little?
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  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    It was not clear whether 10k meant $10,000 or 10,000 homes at first glance. I was unsure if it was an ad for realtors, real estate investors or advertising buyers.

    I would try to summarize your offer in a couple of sentences and make those sentences extremely clear. Then build your ad from there. It seems you are having trouble clearly communicating what you want to say.

    Also the penny or grabber should always be placed above the headline, because hundreds of thousands of dollars were spent by Ogilvy and Mather to prove that it converts better if photos or grabbers are above, not below, a headline.

    xResponsive Advertising Agency | Direct Marketing | Online Advertising | Create Breakthrough Campaigns for Your Business http://xresponsive.com

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  • Headline: Weak and Vague

    Paragraph 1: Not connecting to headline. Tries to make assumption. No facts.
    Paragraph 2: More assumptions. No facts.
    Paragraph 3: More assumptions. No facts.
    Paragraph 4: Vague. Weak offer. Use of jargon.
    Paragraph 5: First sentence should be at the top just below the headline. Second part of paragraph 5 is a feature not a benefit.
    Paragraph 6: More assumptions. No facts.
    Paragraph 7: Weak. Already admitting a deficit. Wants recipient to jump through more hoops.
    Paragraph 8: Call to action and QR code sharing same space.
    Paragraph 9: Postscript not restating the offer. Still trying too hard to sell.


    the flyer/sales letter is all about you, not about the recipient. Selling in print must be very specific and focused. Assumptions and analogies have no place in your sales piece. Be precise. Give the reader hard numbers. Facts that will make them realize they are missing the boat if they don't do business with you.

    Originally Posted by ivanela33 View Post

    I have worked on this piece for the better part of today hoping to have written something semi-decent. I hopefully conveyed a message that would make the end receiver take some action.

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  • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan

    Better to display (and force the reader to mentally spell out) the full "10,000" homes.

    The headline doesn't speak directly to anyone. "Exposure"? Of what? To whom?

    The penny looks OK, was attention-getting, and did get me in an financial mindset. But a weird thing: instead of making me think "cheap" it made me think, "This must be about some sort of investing thing, and since I see the word 'homes' it must be in real estate." Which is clearly not what you wanted. Lincoln did inspire confidence.

    First paragraph:

    Since I have no idea (or, actually, the wrong idea) what the topic is, I don't see why I would be thinking it was too good to be true. Then, we sort of get into the real topic. Since it doesn't match what I had mentally come up with, I breeze past it looking for "the meat".

    Second paragraph:

    Calendar Saver? What?! Needs some kind of transition. This is a case of "the thought process is clear to you, the writer, but it's not as clear to me, the reader." Second sentence is missing this transition, and a period at the end.

    Third paragraph:

    "these mediums"? That's marketing guy talk. Are you talking to pro marketers?

    "certain types of people"? You lost me ("Yeah, you see how you scum.")

    By now we are off in the weeds.

    Fourth paragraph:

    The explanation is fine, I guess, but the leap from Problem to Solution wasn't made effectively in the preceding copy. So it falls flat.

    I would consider moving the meat of this paragraph up for more effectiveness.

    Fifth paragraph:

    Why do you persist in trying to truncate the "30k"? When the number is fully written out, "30,000", it is larger and more impactful to the reader. They have to say it to themselves. Try it yourself: which is stronger?

    "Did I mention..." No, you did not. You didn't have the space to. So don't begin with this phrase.

    Sixth paragraph:

    More stats. Include them with the meat and move 'em up the page.

    Seventh paragraph:

    This final paragraph seems like you're apologizing for everything so far.

    Ditch it and reword the CTA.

    The P.S.?

    Has typos (power, competition).

    Isn't a stand-alone explanation of the offer, for those who skipped to the end.


    Chuck it, start over. Move your big benefits up to the top.

    Focus your headline on WHO you want reading this thing.

    Get rid of the "marketing speak".

    Build your features & benefits in naturally, rather than shoehorning them in ("average 3.5 people per home"...what? People don't come in halves unless Jaws is nearby, so say "over three").

    Concentrate on your transitions...clearly identify the problem so you can clearly show the solution.
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    • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
      Remember that people will be reading this "out of the blue" - they don't start off knowing you or understanding what this is about.

      The reader doesn't know who you are speaking to or what you are speaking about.

      The headline in this case should either call out your audience, name a benefit or promise to solve a specific problem - or two out of those three.

      "Exposure" isn't a benefit. Why do people want exposure? Get at the benefit underlying that word.

      Good luck,
      Marcia Yudkin
      Check out Marcia Yudkin's No-Hype Marketing Academy for courses on copywriting, publicity, infomarketing, marketing plans, naming, and branding - not to mention the popular "Marketing for Introverts" course.
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      • Profile picture of the author ivanela33
        With everyone's comments, the sales letter was re-written. I hope that this is an improvement from my first draft:

        Get Year-Round Exposure in 10k Homes for Only a Few Cents Each

        As a business owner, money's tight! You want to keep your marketing budget intact, which means that your deals and promotions need to be carefully targeted for effectiveness.

        My Calendar Coupon is exactly what you need.

        Everything about Calendar Coupon makes it useful for families. It is mailed to homes in your neighborhood and since it has a magnet it goes straight onto the fridge or family bulletin board. Targeted and interesting local info means that it gets referenced frequently. And it's packed with deals and promotions that are great for local residents (that's where you come in)!

        You've sent out coupons and papered neighborhoods with fliers without getting results. Calendar Saver is something different. Something better.

        Do you want to expose your ad to at least 10,000 people daily? Do you want to choose 3, 6, or 12 months of participation, whatever fits your budget? Then follow the link to www.calendar.com, or call 778-0393-3938, to reserve your ad's spot.
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