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Copy Critique

by maximus242
8 replies
What do you think of this? http://www.warriorforum.com/warrior-...d-success.html
#copy #critique
  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    I think your letter really starts with this paragraph:
    Have you ever noticed some people had an aura of success to them, where they just succeeded at everything they touched? Where almost everything they did seemed to just “work out”? We call them cool, high achievers, geniuses, they are the people of the world who's very presence seem to make things turn out right.

    Why? Does only a lucky few have this power or can we all tap into it?
    Your position is that of an outsider who is bringing something different from the norm, but
    the opening of the letter is kinda jerky. It appears it's the normal "self help" letter,
    then it says it is not and then it goes into a reflection mode (which should all be
    written in present tense for real effect)--but al that is just the warm up to the
    real letter. So I would cut that opening.

    -Ray Edwards
    Signature
    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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    • Profile picture of the author maximus242
      Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

      I think your letter really starts with this paragraph:
      Your position is that of an outsider who is bringing something different from the norm, but
      the opening of the letter is kinda jerky. It appears it's the normal "self help" letter,
      then it says it is not and then it goes into a reflection mode (which should all be
      written in present tense for real effect)--but al that is just the warm up to the
      real letter. So I would cut that opening.

      -Ray Edwards
      Everybody seems to hate the opening so im definitely going to try that
      Signature

      xResponsive Advertising Agency | Direct Marketing | Online Advertising | Create Breakthrough Campaigns for Your Business http://xresponsive.com

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  • Profile picture of the author Tim R
    I vaguely remember seeing this before and offering suggestions. It looks exactly the same, as the things I remember not liking about it are still there.

    The whole thing is really vague, starting with your pre-head and headline... you couldn't make them any less specific if you tried.

    The few comments you have in the thread should give you a clue that people don't really get what your offer is.

    It's all over the place and there's nothing to distinguish it from a thousand other programs that all claim they have the magic solution to life's problems.
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  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    Seeing as, it has a year of eyeballs

    how did it do? A WSO with over a year of looks, you have some results, are you being coy with us?

    gjabiz


    Originally Posted by maximus242 View Post

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    • Profile picture of the author maximus242
      Originally Posted by gjabiz View Post

      Seeing as, it has a year of eyeballs

      how did it do? A WSO with over a year of looks, you have some results, are you being coy with us?

      gjabiz
      It made money for a year, its kind of my little hobby project that I test different things out on, nothing ive ever done very seriously, always just used it to try out different variables in copy and see what happens.

      Mostly I use it to try out different things and see what happens.
      Signature

      xResponsive Advertising Agency | Direct Marketing | Online Advertising | Create Breakthrough Campaigns for Your Business http://xresponsive.com

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  • Profile picture of the author dmaster555
    It's vague and confusing.

    Your system supposedly works for anyone wanted to achieve anything, but you specifically target entrepreneurs in your opening..

    By the end of the whole sales page it is still not clear exactly what is being purchased evidently.
    Originally Posted by jfrombk View Post

    So what exactly is this. Coaching or a money making program
    No credentials or believable examples.
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  • Profile picture of the author gmcd07
    I scrolled and scanned through it. Everything is in past tense. No good. Headline is vague / doesn't make any tangible promise.

    Then we scroll down the letter without reading and see the word "FREE"

    Saying it's free for 30 days positions you like a trickster and diminishes the perceived value of your offer.

    Not only are you heightening the reader's defenses when you keep saying "FREE FREE FREE" but then you follow up with "just enter your payment info."

    People don't value free stuff. And they especially hate free stuff they have to pay for. Which is what you've turned your offer into.

    Aside from the stylistic blunders, this is the wrong approach.
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  • Profile picture of the author jessegilbert
    Banned
    I think it has a lot of good elements but the headline may be off:
    HINT: Positive Thinking, Manifesting Your Destiny and All That CRAP Can Go Straight Into The Garbage!

    That seems like it may turn off half the market because it is a deep seated belief of many that positive thinking is the key. Maybe you could turn it to something like:

    Positive Thinking, Manifesting Your Destiny and All That CRAP Can Go Straight Into The Garbage!...Unless You Have A Solid Strategy Based On Human Psycholopgy & Sound Economic Principles!!
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