I'm looking for people to shred my sales letter (with critiques!)

by sirtom
23 replies
Hey everyone!

First of all, I gotta thank everyone who helped me with my last copy-writing issue. I just finished writing the sales letter for that project, so I'd like to post it on here for anyone to critique.

This is my first attempt at this, but I can handle criticism, so don't go easy . If there's something that needs fixing, I need to know in order to fix it.

Here's the link: Mentor Mission

Thanks to anyone who helps! And a shoutout to Semmy for an awesome minisite design!

Thanks all,
Tom

P.S. Not that it would matter I think, but there aren't any live links on that page yet since only part of the site is up.. Ok, rock on.

EDIT: So after seeing the responses thus far, I think anyone and everyone should look at this thread and the suggestions given. Not to sucker you into reading my sales page or anything, but the ideas and suggestions as to changes I should make will definitely help a lot of people in writing copy, whatever it's for.

I posted my initial sales letter knowing full well it needed tons of work, and the advice I got will definitely take it to another level. If you apply what these people have said already into your own sales letters, it will elevate your copy for sure.

So yeah.. I just think a ton of super important issues were covered in this thread (so far) that will most certainly help people out, so give it a look and take notes or something on the suggestions people make

Read on!
-Tom
#critiques #letter #people #sales #shred
  • Profile picture of the author dynameek
    Hey Tom,

    I didn't read through your sales letter as it will take me forever to finish & I'm only here for a short while so I'll tell you what I think about the graphics design. First off, I think there's too much happening right at the top of the page. So, consider pushing the blue healine down a bit.

    I think the banners are well done but if you can make the background look more web 2.0 like the banners then, graphically, I think you'll be more on track. My suggestion is that you make it the blue background a bit darker and shinny like the banner so everything blends. This is my thought though - not sure what others think.

    All the best!
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  • Profile picture of the author DavidO
    First, the good stuff... you got a lot of things right. It's very readable and looks good. Simple layout, clear text and font.

    Personally, I'm not keen on the old "Who Else" type of headline. But that's just my reaction. If it works for you that all that counts. But I would test some variations once you get up and running.

    The subhead also needs a little fine-tuning. I don't like "I'm giving you...". Make the visitor the subject of the sentence, not you. How about "Imagine getting immediate, free access"....

    These are things you can easily tweak. But the element I see missing is credibility. What you need is to elaborate a little more on your story. How did you discover the solution? What did it do for you? It's lacking a sense of "drama" (the only way I can think to put it).

    What did a mentor help you achieve? Put that image into the visitor's mind and you'll have something a lot more powerful.
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  • Profile picture of the author jasondinner
    I made a video critiquing your page. Just covered some basics here:

    2009-08-09_1155

    If you could get some testimonials in there that would also help.

    - Jason
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  • Profile picture of the author Victor.L
    First, you don't give off some kind of urgency.
    Write a paragraph where you state that only one thousand slots are available . Afterwards, you will close the doors of your website.

    Second, testimonials would also be a good idea.

    I dont remember where i saw it but reminding them of the obvious is sometimes needed.

    For example , if they can get an extra 5000$ a month with your mentoring , they can buy themselves a new car , achieve financial success and etc..

    Tell them what they can do with that extra cash.
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    • Profile picture of the author sirtom
      Wow, thanks so much to you all that put in your 2 cents! There's been some awesome feedback so far, I really appreciate it.. More specifically:

      @dynameek- (haha I feel like this is Twitter..) The headline can definitely be moved down. Thanks for the input! I'll try to darken the background a bit too, see if it looks better.

      @DavidO- really solid advice! The headline and sub-headline are two of the things I hoped someone would comment on, as I feel they definitely need improvements. You suggestions on them are great tho. And I'm not the biggest fan of the "Who Else...", so I'll edit that. Any suggestions for a replacement, given the context of the rest of the headline?

      also, i'll expand on my own background a bit. It's these things that didn't completely register when I was trying to push through writing the copy, but it's a huge boost for credibility, so I'll definitely tweak it. Thanks!

      @jasondinner- You rock, bro! Thanks for making that short video, it was much appreciated. Amazing advice too, I'm definitely making changes accordingly. The script I'm using is the Launch Formula Marketing script, so I'm not sure if I can add the sign-up form to the sales letter, but I'll see what I can do. I'm with you in seeing the value of eliminating a step for the customer.

      as for the video review, Jing kicks ass, so +2 points to you, good sir.. haha

      @havoc21392- Thanks for the feedback as well! I think those 3 things you mentioned are all solid, so I sure will incorporate them in the sales letter.

      As for testimonials, when the site is up I'm going to make a post asking for people to go through the site and check it out and leave a testimonial, so there will be a few in the letter when I launch it. I have a couple things to do to boost credibility, but between the things you guys have sugested, this thing is going to come a long way!

      Thanks again to everyone so far! Anyone else have any opinions?

      -Tom
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      • Profile picture of the author Hugh Thyer
        You say its advice from the top internet marketing experts?

        If you want to make a big jump in conversions you have to name them.

        And I mean at the top. If you dont tell me who they are, I'm not going to buy.
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        • Profile picture of the author sirtom
          Originally Posted by Hugh Thyer View Post

          You say its advice from the top internet marketing experts?

          If you want to make a big jump in conversions you have to name them.

          And I mean at the top. If you dont tell me who they are, I'm not going to buy.
          @Hugh: there are two sides to this comment. on one side, it would help with the social proof aspect to list the marketers involved, so I agree with you that I need to include them (in some fashion, perhaps integrating them with Jason's comment on expanding the descriptions of the "topics" i cover in Mentor Mission). As a side note, I'm listing all the marketers (with pictures) on the One Time Offer page you see after you become a member, but I neglected to include them here.

          On the other side tho, it shouldn't matter who's actually involved in the project. What matters is the content they provide and what experience they have, not how many people know their name. Some of the people I've interviewed are lesser-known, but they're no less successful because of it.

          And in case you personally were doubting, most are indeed among the top, I assure you. I got Tellman Knudson, Rosalind Gardner, and others on board.

          It's all awesome content, and I think it will provide tons of value to any who care to use it

          Thanks tho! That's definitely something I have to consider as it will help with the social proof aspect.

          -Tom
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          • Profile picture of the author Collette
            Originally Posted by sirtom View Post

            @Hugh: ...on one side, it would help with the social proof aspect to list the marketers involved, ...As a side note, I'm listing all the marketers (with pictures) on the One Time Offer page you see after you become a member, but I neglected to include them here.
            You're assuming that your pitch is powerful enough to overcome a lack of social proof. You're assuming that the reader will be so enticed by a lack of specifics, that they will join anyway, and go through to the next page, where they will THEN see the social proof.

            While you're assuming these things, you will be losing subscribers.

            Why on earth would I pony up my email to you - when you have offered me zero credibility that the information you say is valuable is, in fact... valuable?

            Think about your market for a second: you're addressing people who are already trying to make money online. They're not completely wet behind the ears. The stars, if not gone from their eyes, are at least severely dimmed. You're addressing people who are tired of the "make money BS".

            So how are you going to prove to them that your offer is different?

            Originally Posted by sirtom View Post

            ...On the other side tho, it shouldn't matter who's actually involved in the project. What matters is the content they provide and what experience they have, not how many people know their name. Some of the people I've interviewed are lesser-known, but they're no less successful because of it...
            Maybe it shouldn't. But it does.

            Because the reader needs to believe that the info is coming from a credible source. And, no, your people don't have to be well-known gurus. They just have to be credible.

            Originally Posted by sirtom View Post

            ...It's all awesome content, and I think it will provide tons of value to any who care to use it
            Maybe it is, but how many people will never know?

            Also, a few of my personal pet peeves:

            - Your headline promises "step-by-step, hold-your-hand instruction". Lord knows, I've seen this enough times. And rarely does it turn out to actually be anything close to what has been promised.

            Usually, these interviews turn out to be 20 minutes of "My Life History", followed by 20 minutes of "Most people make these mistakes", followed by 5 minutes of "This-is-what-I-did-leaving out the nitty-gritty-details-that-are-really-useful-to-the-clueless", followed by 15 minutes of, "Buy-my-product-and-I'll-fill-in-some-but-not-all-the-blanks-for-you". Interspersed with 20 minutes of aimless bantering chit-chat between the interviewer and the interviewee.

            And an hour of my life that I'll never get back.

            So, when I see this promise - yet again - it immediately raises My Big Red Flag of Skepticism.

            If you're going to make this tired promise, you're going to have to do a lot more than just tell me. You're going to have to show me.

            - You say, "Some of it is so easy to do you'll wonder why you haven't been doing it all along. You'll be amazed that you once thought building a list, creating an info product or driving traffic was impossible to do."

            FAIL. It's not that people think these thing are impossible to do.They don't know how to do them.

            So having yet another guru come along and say, "To make money you need to build a list. Drive traffic and have people subscribe." is not an epic newsflash. Your market already KNOWS that. They don't know HOW. THAT'S the "not easy" part.

            Worse, the demoralizing part is that all these "experts" (and now, you)keep saying that this stuff is "easy". It isn't. It's work. The concepts may be simple, but the work is hard.

            If I've been struggling to execute this stuff, you just made me feel like a moron for "not getting it". Again.

            - One of the promises in your offer is: "Personal guidance from the top Internet Marketers! These are the top experts in the industry, all telling you exactly what you need to do to be successful. You can't put a price tag on that..."

            Actually, you're offering nothing of the sort.

            You're offering recorded interviews. If you offer me "personal" guidance, you are offering me a solution "personally" tailored to MY "personal" situation. In other words, "personal guidance" implies some kind of "direct access" to these "mentors".

            Which is not the case, here. And it affects your credibility.

            - And, BTW, you can put a price on how much it would cost for an hour of consulting time with your experts.

            If YOU don't put a value on it, what's MY benchmark? Am I supposed to put a value on your offer for you? Don't make me work so hard.

            Again, these aren't complete newbies you're talking to. They've already been exposed to pitches. So you're making your pitch in an already stinky market. You're going to have to work a little harder to pass the sniff-test.
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            • Profile picture of the author sirtom
              Originally Posted by jasondinner View Post

              Tom,

              I'll get back to you later on to show you how to do that.

              Basically, you set a bookmark on the spot where you want the "on-page" link,
              then you set up your hyperlink (Sign Up Now link) to go to the bookmark.

              I'll make a quick vid for you when I get back from taking the wife and kids
              to the aquarium

              Same with the benefits. Don't have time to explain right now.

              Jason
              Hey Jason,

              So I was able to figure out that first part, about the on-page link..

              That second part though, about the benefits, I still very much need

              And now for Miss Collette...

              Seriously Collette, you're awesome. I really appreciate you taking the time to go through the sales letter like that and pick out (and pick apart) so much, that's some awesome feedback. I also like how you picked up on some of the very subtle things that no one else has mentioned, but upon a closer inspection definitely need to be addressed.

              I'm in the process of making necessary revisions, but a few questions in regards to your comments:

              Originally Posted by Collette View Post

              You're assuming that your pitch is powerful enough to overcome a lack of social proof. You're assuming that the reader will be so enticed by a lack of specifics, that they will join anyway, and go through to the next page, where they will THEN see the social proof.

              While you're assuming these things, you will be losing subscribers.

              Why on earth would I pony up my email to you - when you have offered me zero credibility that the information you say is valuable is, in fact... valuable?

              Think about your market for a second: you're addressing people who are already trying to make money online. They're not completely wet behind the ears. The stars, if not gone from their eyes, are at least severely dimmed. You're addressing people who are tired of the "make money BS".

              So how are you going to prove to them that your offer is different?

              ---
              Maybe it shouldn't. But it does.

              Because the reader needs to believe that the info is coming from a credible source. And, no, your people don't have to be well-known gurus. They just have to be credible.
              All very true. Now, question concerning the social proof aspect, and also tying into some previous suggestions on expanding the "features" of the site into "benefits":

              I obviously need to list the 'experts' involved in this series. To really emphasize the 'social proof' aspect, while I list them, would it be better to mention their accomplishments to boost their credibility in the readers' eyes, or mention their contribution to the site, as far as the content they provide?

              Hopefully that's the right question to ask for this.

              Originally Posted by Collette View Post

              Maybe it is, but how many people will never know?

              Also, a few of my personal pet peeves:

              - Your headline promises "step-by-step, hold-your-hand instruction". Lord knows, I've seen this enough times. And rarely does it turn out to actually be anything close to what has been promised.

              Usually, these interviews turn out to be 20 minutes of "My Life History", followed by 20 minutes of "Most people make these mistakes", followed by 5 minutes of "This-is-what-I-did-leaving out the nitty-gritty-details-that-are-really-useful-to-the-clueless", followed by 15 minutes of, "Buy-my-product-and-I'll-fill-in-some-but-not-all-the-blanks-for-you". Interspersed with 20 minutes of aimless bantering chit-chat between the interviewer and the interviewee.

              And an hour of my life that I'll never get back.

              So, when I see this promise - yet again - it immediately raises My Big Red Flag of Skepticism.

              If you're going to make this tired promise, you're going to have to do a lot more than just tell me. You're going to have to show me.
              Let me ask you this.. Given the rest of that headline, how would you restructure it to take out the "Step-By-Step" part? Looking again, I agree with you 100% about the market and the same old re-hashed promises and all, and I'd like to avoid that.

              Believe it or not, I feel this interview series is different than the other plain, non-helpful ones out there. I really try to dig into the most problematic areas people have with the given areas of Internet Marketing. And on top of that, pretty much everything I've done thus far, from the beginning of what I have going on right now, is taken directly from the advice I get from the interviews I do.

              Sure, not every minute of every interview is gold, I'll give you that. I do ask how they got into IM and about a product they have, but the content between those two questions (and often those two as well) is definitely worth my listener's time.

              Originally Posted by Collette View Post

              You say, "Some of it is so easy to do you'll wonder why you haven't been doing it all along. You'll be amazed that you once thought building a list, creating an info product or driving traffic was impossible to do."

              FAIL. It's not that people think these thing are impossible to do.They don't know how to do them.

              So having yet another guru come along and say, "To make money you need to build a list. Drive traffic and have people subscribe." is not an epic newsflash. Your market already KNOWS that. They don't know HOW. THAT'S the "not easy" part.

              Worse, the demoralizing part is that all these "experts" (and now, you)keep saying that this stuff is "easy". It isn't. It's work. The concepts may be simple, but the work is hard.

              If I've been struggling to execute this stuff, you just made me feel like a moron for "not getting it". Again.
              This is one of those subtle things I'm happy you picked up on. I skimmed over that so many times and it wasn't until you picked it apart there that I not only felt the need to change it, but really grasped its core meaning.

              I want my 'voice' to sound hopeful and willing to help, not demeaning and derogatory.

              I'm working on editing it though, for the better.

              Originally Posted by Collette View Post

              One of the promises in your offer is: "Personal guidance from the top Internet Marketers! These are the top experts in the industry, all telling you exactly what you need to do to be successful. You can't put a price tag on that..."

              Actually, you're offering nothing of the sort.

              You're offering recorded interviews. If you offer me "personal" guidance, you are offering me a solution "personally" tailored to MY "personal" situation. In other words, "personal guidance" implies some kind of "direct access" to these "mentors".

              Which is not the case, here. And it affects your credibility.
              Great points here, and I'll definitely be altering this to eliminate any false implications.

              Once again, thanks so much for that! Your advice will help so much, it will definitely make the sales letter stronger.

              -Tom
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              • Profile picture of the author Collette
                Originally Posted by sirtom View Post

                ...
                I obviously need to list the 'experts' involved in this series. To really emphasize the 'social proof' aspect, while I list them, would it be better to mention their accomplishments to boost their credibility in the readers' eyes, or mention their contribution to the site, as far as the content they provide?
                I'd do both. Given that some of your folks are NOT Big Names (which I actually think works in your favor), I'd tailor the "experts" dialogue around "Some of these are people you probably never heard of. And that's OK with them. Because while the flim-flam "Get Rich Quick" crowd are hawking their pitch from every street corner, these guys are quietly raking in thousands of dollars every month.

                You see, these guys don't need anyone to tell them how good they are at what they do.

                They know how good they are. And so does their bank manager."

                then go into short individual bios: "Sir Tom is an underground authority on SEO. His sites consistently rank on the first page of Google for any keyword he chooses. In this series, Sir Tom shares with you some of the key strategies he uses to propel his sites to top rankings. Using just one of his strategies can turn your Cinderella site into the Belle of the Ball!"


                Let me ask you this.. Given the rest of that headline, how would you restructure it to take out the "Step-By-Step" part? Looking again, I agree with you 100% about the market and the same old re-hashed promises and all, and I'd like to avoid that.

                Believe it or not, I feel this interview series is different than the other plain, non-helpful ones out there. I really try to dig into the most problematic areas people have with the given areas of Internet Marketing. And on top of that, pretty much everything I've done thus far, from the beginning of what I have going on right now, is taken directly from the advice I get from the interviews I do.
                You just answered your own question. In your own words. Say what you just said - and you can't go wrong.

                Sure, not every minute of every interview is gold, I'll give you that. I do ask how they got into IM and about a product they have, but the content between those two questions (and often those two as well) is definitely worth my listener's time.
                "In each call, you'll find out exactly how our expert got into Internet Marketing. At least one of their stories is going to sound like yours. And, of course, they're going to eventually tell you about a useful product or service they've developed to help you on your marketing journey. (Hey! You know the drill, right?)

                But this is not your usuall pitch-fest. Because I guarantee that you will also get solid, actionable content from each and every call.

                Content you can use - immediately - to begin making a change in your business. How do I know?

                Because I've used this exact same information to make my Internet business the success it is today."


                I want my 'voice' to sound hopeful and willing to help, not demeaning and derogatory.

                I'm working on editing it though, for the better.
                Points to touch: Everybody tells you "It's easy." Let's be real. It isn't. It's work. But it's work that [insert future benefit picture here].

                Glad I could help.
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                • Profile picture of the author sirtom
                  Wow.. Again, thank you mucho for the over-the-top advice

                  I'm going to get busy.. And once again, you rock Collette..
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      • Profile picture of the author jasondinner
        Originally Posted by sirtom View Post

        @jasondinner- You rock, bro! Thanks for making that short video, it was much appreciated. Amazing advice too, I'm definitely making changes accordingly. The script I'm using is the Launch Formula Marketing script, so I'm not sure if I can add the sign-up form to the sales letter, but I'll see what I can do. I'm with you in seeing the value of eliminating a step for the customer.

        as for the video review, Jing kicks ass, so +2 points to you, good sir.. haha
        -Tom
        Thanks Tom

        Jing truly is awesome.

        Anyway, on the LFM script, all you probably have to do is put the signup form tag
        (usually something like {signup}) on the squeeze page.

        I know you can do it with the Butterfly script. And since LFM is pretty much a clone
        of that, I can't imagine that feature not being available.

        - Jason
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  • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
    Pretty much everything I'd suggest has been covered.

    Jason gave you some solid advice, the order form is a big one, and so are the bullets. So instead of saying "List Building" say things like...

    "(Marketers Name) shows you step-by-step how he built a list of over 24,000 people... In less than 9 days."

    You need specifics. Tell them what they're going to learn... And you definitely need to do some name dropping.

    The "Who Else" headline can work well (That's why you still see them all over the place) but I'd write 7-10 more headlines and split test.

    Good luck!

    -Scott
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  • Profile picture of the author lenlatimer
    Some good remarks above. Here's my take:
    You bullet points are mainly features. Expand them into benefits for the
    reader. For example...
    What everyone needs to know ... With this knowledge you'll be able to...
    I'd like to see more on how it can affect me (wiifm- what's in it for me?)
    Another example of feature/benefit This number 2 yellow pencil come with 100% black graphite (feature)- that means (insert benefit)....

    Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author sirtom
      @lenlatimer: Thanks for the input as well! and great advice, I'll craft some interesting benefits to compliment the 'features'.

      You guys and all rock, thanks so much for the help thus far. Seriously, what you've all said so far is probably better than the advice some people pay for, so I'm both impressed and grateful.

      Any one else want to throw in their $0.02? I'll be updating the copy on the letter very soon as well, so I'd also invite those who've shared thus far to stop back and see what they think.. I'll update this thread when I do tho; there was a lot said

      Thanks again!
      -Tom
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  • Profile picture of the author Micheallatour
    Didnt really take a good look but just skimmed through it.
    I like the graphics. But change the headline to something more catchy.

    I mean grab your visitors by the throat type of catchy. Possibly change the
    headline font as well to something like Impact. And underline some keywords
    to grab attention.

    I will check back a little later and really go through it
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    • Profile picture of the author sirtom
      Hey all!

      So I made some updates, following the advice I've received. I'd tell you what/where they are, but if I did a good enough job you should be able to tell on your own haha

      Things I still need to work out:

      -other headlines to split test
      -adding benefits to the topics I cover (but i did add one for you critique to see if it's moving in the right direction)
      -adding the sign-up form to the bottom
      -adding testimonials
      -some text/formatting consistency issues

      @Micheallatour- I agree with you.. Any suggestions as to a better headline, or something to work with? Honestly, I tried to make the one I have now as catchy and 'throat-grabbing' as possible, but considering my limited expertise in copy writing, I still feel like it's lacking. I'm going to use scottspdf82's advice and split test some others.. I just have to come up with them lol.

      Thanks! Check it out now, I think it's moving the in the right direction: Mentor Mission

      Rock on, everyone...
      -Tom
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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    1) Those generic header business images scream amateur (graphics amateur).
    2) I would grab peoples attention with a quote at the top from an expert or a video.
    3) I don't know what you want me to do on the page. You use "Join Now" but join what? For how much? Remember those are my questions as I am scanning (not reading) and you need to answer them BEFORE I click away from your page.

    One last really important item is, who are you marketing to? I would put ATTENTION: Frustrated Internet Marketer so I know to read it if I match that upon landing on your page.
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    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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    • Profile picture of the author sirtom
      Sorry for the late reply, I was out of town for a few days.

      @jason- I got the sign-up script on the sales letter.. I don't think there was a way to clean it up more than I did, but I'm happy with it now. I'll have to split test it to see how it does as opposed to clicking through to an actual sign-up page. That was a great suggestion though, I personally think it will convert much higher. Thanks bro!

      I have a question in reguards to your comment on adding benefits to the features I list (with the bullet points). I listed most of the topics I cover in Mentor Mission and want to add benefits to all of them, while dropping names throughout. However, some of the Mentors cover more than one topic, but since that topic was covered nonetheless, I listed it. (An example: Bill McRea covered creating traffic systems as well as social media marketing, so I listed them both separatly since they were both covered extensively.) So, how can I get around relisting the mentors' names and add benefits to all the features?

      Also, on a general note, since the sign-up form is on the sales letter, if someone clicks the "Join Now" button, I'd just like them to be sent to the bottom of the page, not to a different link (so like a page break to the bottom of the sales letter). Does anyone know how to do this? Hopefully it's only a small, simple code haha..

      @rentitnow- awesome comments! I also like how you didn't try to butter anything up and just listed what you thought was wrong. Honestly, that's one of the most helpful things since I can just go down the list and fix what needs fixing, so thank you. About the images, that was all I could afford. Perhaps when the budget allows, I can upgrade them and have them professionally done, but for now it will have to suffice.

      Fixed the headline (verbatim to your advice, nonetheless ) and I feel it's much more targeted now. I also added a short comment on actually joining Mentor Mission before the button "Join Now", maybe that will clear it up. The whole bottom of the sales letter talks about why you should join, as well as the price and all that, I don't know why you didn't get that all from scanning it. Not saying it's perfect or that you should have noticed it, just that I added all of that copy towards to the bottom to clear those issues up. If you didn't get that from scanning though, work obviously needs to be done on it.

      You mentioned having something else at the top as well, like a quote or a video. After the inside/member's area is finished, I'm going to make a quick video introducing myself and walking you through both what Mentor Mission is as well as what's inside (on the free level). I scripted that out Mass Control-style, so it'll be pretty cool.

      Then, for the OTO sales letter, I'm putting a video at the top of the page that walks you through exactly what you get with the upgraded membership, which is also scripted Mass Control-style. So, videos will definitely be at the top of both pages, directly under the headline.

      Once again, thanks all! You guys/gals are awesome..
      -Tom
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  • Profile picture of the author jasondinner
    Tom,

    I'll get back to you later on to show you how to do that.

    Basically, you set a bookmark on the spot where you want the "on-page" link,
    then you set up your hyperlink (Sign Up Now link) to go to the bookmark.

    I'll make a quick vid for you when I get back from taking the wife and kids
    to the aquarium

    Same with the benefits. Don't have time to explain right now.

    Jason
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  • Profile picture of the author LoveTheSun
    I really like the colors and the layout overall but that BUY NOW button is to in your face early on, I would just remove that, it screams "I am trying to sell you something" and yes you are but not that quick
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  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    I think its actually a great piece of copy. It resonates with the conversation already going on in the prospects mind.

    There are a lot of things you can do to improve the response rate on this, I think your trying to do too much with the headline. Overall though I think you are off to a great start and a hell of a lot better than what I usually see.

    I would definatly change the "Join Now" button to a regular link titled "Click Here Now For Free Instant Access" even though you said it was free I thought I had to pay for something when I got to the bottom of the page.

    Also, give a REASON WHY its free. How come your doing this for free? Give the real answer because this market senses BS a mile away.

    I think your headline needs to be broken up into a headline and a lead. You've got too much going on there. JUST address their frustration and put the free ebook offer into a subhead below the headline.

    Also you could make the headline more shocking and dramatic. Also get a few people from the warrior forum to try it out and collect some testimonials. Take your best one and put it on top of the headline as whats called a pre-head.

    I would do more drama for your copy too.

    I would say the weakest part of this copy is the bullets.
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    • Profile picture of the author sirtom
      @LoveTheSun- Thanks for the feedback! I took that "join Now" out of the top.. I had it there since on the video I'm going to add right under the headline I was going to say "click the Join Now directly under this video", but i'll just say "at the bottom of this page is a short form..." or something like that.

      I don't want anything to feel as though they have to pay for something..

      @maximus242- excellent points, thanks for your opinions! I'm workin on a new button to replace the "Join Now", one that clearly states it's free to join. I'll try to add a sense of drama to the copy as well, little tweaks here and there.

      Also, I've been working out how I can create a sense of urgency for joining the site, as well as why I'm doing this for free, and think I've got that down now. I'm going to incorporate that into the copy at the bottom of the page, so it will be up soon.

      (by the way, do you like the movie Gladiator? your name reminds me of it and it's pretty much my favorite movie haha)

      So that's it for now..

      UPDATE: I changed around some things on the sales letter (mainly the headline) and "fleshed out" the bullet points. Any comments or critiques on those?

      Thanks to everyone for awesome feedback thus far!
      Tom
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