Please critique my sales letter

15 replies
I have a license to sell a copywriting product from some materials provided by a copywriter.

While I have written sales letters for other niches before, I've never written one to sell a copywriting product, so my A-game should be switched on for this before I send it, hence my asking for a critique.

It's a direct mail letter to people who have adverts out in local newspapers. I have a (legit) charity twist so as to bring refunds down.

Thank you for your advice.

I've pasted it here
#critique #letter #sales
  • It needs a full on critique.

    So, just a couple of points.

    It's a standard one size pitch (which won't fit all the Ads).

    Might be better to have 3-5 different versions (once the copy is the way you want it).


    Although clients usually rely on the newspapers to cobble something together with fairly dismal results.

    The kicker may be they just don't want to learn (discover) how to write their own Ads.

    (no time, too much effort etc)

    So an option where you offer to write stunningly good Ads may pull a much better response than your do it yourself "blueprint"


    Steve
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Lead generate first, sell second
      will remove most of the friction
      in the sales process.

      Can we get you over this mental barrier
      before moving forward?

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile
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  • Profile picture of the author jessegilbert
    Banned
    Originally Posted by myattitude View Post

    I have a license to sell a copywriting product from some materials provided by a copywriter.

    While I have written sales letters for other niches before, I've never written one to sell a copywriting product, so my A-game should be switched on for this before I send it, hence my asking for a critique.

    It's a direct mail letter to people who have adverts out in local newspapers. I have a (legit) charity twist so as to bring refunds down.

    Thank you for your advice.

    I've pasted it here
    You might change the headline to:

    Get 300% Responses rate from your classified ads using these secrets....

    looks interesting. where can I get a digital copy?
    also I personally don't like the charity angle that much.
    please let me know if you need a review.
    Signature
    ThermoNuclear Branding: The #1 Fastest Way To Improve Your Marketing: http://www.BrainstormPro.com

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    • Profile picture of the author myattitude
      Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter View Post

      Although clients usually rely on the newspapers to cobble something together with fairly dismal results.

      The kicker may be they just don't want to learn (discover) how to write their own Ads.

      (no time, too much effort etc)

      So an option where you offer to write stunningly good Ads may pull a much better response than your do it yourself "blueprint"


      Steve
      Very important point. While I'm not in a position to write other people's ads for them, I may present this product as less of a heavy read and more of an easy reference of guru secrets that they can pull out and boost their ads by 4x. It was only going to be 10-20 pages anyway.

      Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

      Lead generate first, sell second
      will remove most of the friction
      in the sales process.

      Can we get you over this mental barrier
      before moving forward?

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile
      I think I understand: Do you mean to pick out the ads from the papers first, then write a letter that specifically addresses those groups of ads, as Steve The Copywriter was saying?
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Originally Posted by myattitude View Post


        I think I understand: Do you mean to pick out the ads from the papers first, then write a letter that specifically addresses those groups of ads, as Steve The Copywriter was saying?
        No.

        I mean you give a very brief message that creates the next step to find out more.

        Pure lead generation for the purpose
        of identifying those who may fit your ideal client.

        At the moment you are attempting to sell the whole
        proposition on the first outing.

        By doing this you are making it very hard on yourself
        because it's not naturally how people buy from a
        stranger when it comes to selling non tangible things.

        Hence a multi step approach will work much better..

        Is this clearer now?

        Best,
        Doctor E. Vile
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        • Profile picture of the author myattitude
          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          No.

          I mean you give a very brief message that creates the next step to find out more.

          Pure lead generation for the purpose
          of identifying those who may fit your ideal client.

          At the moment you are attempting to sell the whole
          proposition on the first outing.

          By doing this you are making it very hard on yourself
          because it's not naturally how people buy from a
          stranger when it comes to selling non tangible things.

          Hence a multi step approach will work much better..

          Is this clearer now?

          Best,
          Doctor E. Vile
          Yes it is. The opt-in approach. Would you offer a gift in exchange or simply more information, which would take the form of the subsequent sales letter?
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          • Profile picture of the author Complex
            [DELETED]
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            • Profile picture of the author myattitude
              Originally Posted by Complex View Post

              What's your end game? Just to sell some info? Or do you have a funnel in place?

              IMO, if you have a funnel in place and you want the BEST buyers, you gotta move far away from that biz-op style that sounds WSO-ish.

              It does NOT play well among biz owners that are worth having as long-term clients or customers. I'm getting the impression that your targets are not the same as I would target.

              (Cuz I like money.)

              I'd scrap it and first define who I want as buyers. And at the very least outline a funnel. One that can be subject to change. But at least has some definition to it. Maybe you have done that and we're just on different pages there. I don't know.

              Good luck.

              Did you really think it was WSO-ish? I tried to make it more on the formal side, b&w colours, etc.

              As for a an end game, my plan was a one shot sale with no future expectations. I hadn't considered funnels. I do actually have small business marketing products that I can continue selling to them, right now I just wanted to see if there is life in this thing.
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              • Profile picture of the author Complex
                [DELETED]
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                • Profile picture of the author myattitude
                  Originally Posted by Complex View Post

                  I'll be honest with you. I DON'T know how to operate like that. I only know how to design a graduated funnel that goes for more than one sale.

                  But I still think you should really zone in on who the best buyers would be. And learn about what they fear, what they are skeptical about, how they operate, how they buy, etc.

                  Brick and mortars who are successful do NOT parallel WSO buyers and even most IM folk.

                  You have to understand this very stark difference.

                  I'm not in Manhattan. So the cost for doing business where I live doesn't even come close to comparing to The City.

                  But even where I live ...

                  A small biz owner, generally speaking (if they are remotely successful), generates at least $ 500,000 in revenue.

                  If they don't ...

                  They can't cover the bare minimum costs just to stay open.

                  For that reason, they generally have a much broader and deeper biz acumen than Warriors and IMers do.

                  They think differently.

                  They buy differently.

                  And to get the RIGHT ONES into your funnel on the front-end, you have to write so the front-end converts the folks who'll buy up the chain.

                  Meaning - financially stable, cash flush business people who've built businesses in competitive markets. Where they have to know laws to operate, how to make payroll every month, how to keep their lines of credit open, etc, etc. which all falls on top of knowing the ins and outs of whatever their biz may be.

                  Doesn't sound like your average Click Bank blogger ...

                  Does it?

                  Get to know your best buyers FIRST before you pen a single word. And before you figure out HOW to sell them. (Which is what copywriting really boils down to. How are we going to sell them?)



                  And one-shot sales are so freaking costly, I highly recommend that you build out a funnel. And allow the funnel to inform you on who you want to attract on the front end.

                  There are a lot of folks who build front ends that only attract front end buyers.

                  Those are the folks you see pitching one sub $ 50 product after another. They CAN'T go much higher, because they put the WRONG buyers on their list on the front-end.

                  That may be okay with you.

                  I don't know.

                  All I know is I like folks to move up the chain. And that means my front-end has to attract the folks who are going to buy at an exponentially higher price point than what got them in the funnel in the first place.

                  So if my final point in the chain is going to be a $ 5,000 product and it starts with a sub $ 50 product ...

                  That sales letter has to convert at sub $ 50 the SAME folks who can REALISTICALLY afford moving up to $ 5,000. I don't necessarily have to have a $ 5,000 product available yet. I may not even know what it will be.

                  But I know, that's the end-game.

                  So that's where I start.

                  Hope that helps.

                  P.S. Kinda like - if you know you want to get married, you don't start scoping out hookers. And you don't talk to the chick you might marry like you would a hooker.
                  OK you win lol. You've made a pretty convincing case. I'll funnel them through the other products I have that would interest them on a more serious level. I do have deep funnels for other audiences, I was just seeing if a copywriting product had any legs in it for small business owners, because I wasn't even sure and so didn't have expectations beyond that.

                  That leaves then the style of the sales letter. Well as I mentioned, I didn't think I was writing a WSO-esque letter, but so what style works on bricks and morter businesses, formal writing can be very boring to read, what's your experience?
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      • [QUOTE=myattitude;10331859]Very important point. While I'm not in a position to write other people's ads for them, I may present this product as less of a heavy read and more of an easy reference of guru secrets that they can pull out and boost their ads by 4x. It was only going to be 10-20 pages anyway.



        You need to explain how easy it is.

        A bit like "fill in the blanks" (you're providing ALL the answers - as in the very best answers).

        Show that it's fun, enlightening and enthralling.

        (...and right before your eyes you'll see a stunningly effective Ad which is YOUR business - you'll nod with approval and with big smile say "YES, that is exactly what we need to say - because it's what our customers want to hear"…)

        And emphasise how tremendous the results will be.


        Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author splitTest
    I don't comment much on strategy, but with regard to the copy you posted:

    The opener is great. If you've reached the right prospect, gotten them to open the envelope and they're now looking at their own ad, involvement is high. Nice hook.

    But instead of telling them what's wrong with their ad, you then get into stuff like...

    "But I can show you not only how to have people flooding in, BEGGING to take up your advert's offer..."

    Why do copywriters write like that? IMHO, hyperbole like that immediately kills credibility and turns on the skepticism. Hyperbole like that, in my opinion is worthless -- and most books I've read by copywriting experts say the same.

    When you say stuff like:

    "Using these powerful methods, you’ll have prospects crawling over broken glass to pay you money by ordering your products and services."

    ...it puts stuff like "I’ll show you how simple it is to easily double or triple the profits of your advert, just by applying a few simple, proven and effective rules" in the same boat, if you know what I mean.

    Not only is it an unpleasant, negative, painful image, but it's a far-fetched exaggeration that reflects badly on whatever else you say.
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    • Profile picture of the author myattitude
      Originally Posted by splitTest View Post

      I don't comment much on strategy, but with regard to the copy you posted:

      The opener is great. If you've reached the right prospect, gotten them to open the envelope and they're now looking at their own ad, involvement is high. Nice hook.

      But instead of telling them what's wrong with their ad, you then get into stuff like...

      "But I can show you not only how to have people flooding in, BEGGING to take up your advert's offer..."

      Why do copywriters write like that? IMHO, hyperbole like that immediately kills credibility and turns on the skepticism. Hyperbole like that, in my opinion is worthless -- and most books I've read by copywriting experts say the same.

      When you say stuff like:

      "Using these powerful methods, you’ll have prospects crawling over broken glass to pay you money by ordering your products and services."

      ...it puts stuff like "I’ll show you how simple it is to easily double or triple the profits of your advert, just by applying a few simple, proven and effective rules" in the same boat, if you know what I mean.

      Not only is it an unpleasant, negative, painful image, but it's a far-fetched exaggeration that reflects badly on whatever else you say.
      Thanks for the feedback. I'll be honest, I'm uncomfortable writing like that too, I just grit my teeth as I put down what I think might work. Those quotes you mentioned were only recently added after watching . I thought that since these people made money, there must be some merit to it.

      I guess it goes back to what type of clients I want again as Complex described. Thanks for calling this out to me, I'll amend those to sound more normal.

      The tricky part is writing something that sounds both normal & exciting enough for them to take action.
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      • Profile picture of the author splitTest
        Originally Posted by myattitude View Post

        I guess it goes back to what type of clients I want again as Complex described. Thanks for calling this out to me, I'll amend those to sound more normal.
        Yep -- a market of business people is a lil different from Haddad's relationship market. ("How to get head" )

        Originally Posted by myattitude View Post

        The tricky part is writing something that sounds both normal & exciting enough for them to take action.
        Absolutely. Welcome to the wonderful world of copywriting. ...Where credibility is Job 1.
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  • Profile picture of the author daveshu
    If you just want to generate leads then simply ask them as you do at the top if they'd like a 400% increase or 4 times the response or whatever - that got my interest, as soon as I saw a 9 mile long letter I just closed the page - it's obviously yet another sales letter, yada yada more of the same long on content short on delivery - that's how it came across to me.

    At least you'll pre-qualify people doing that, and you can then LISTEN to them and answer their questions, which will probably give you a better chance of a sale.
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  • Profile picture of the author Platt
    It's way to long and it doesn't look that professional , probably the comments above will also help you change it.
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  • Profile picture of the author myattitude
    It's my intention to post a new thread with the amendments from people's feedback. Watch this space and thanks for your inputs.

    @daveshu, Would you offer a free gift in exchange like those online optin pages, or simply offer them more information, which would be the subsequent sales letter?
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