Sales Letter Critique Pls.

43 replies
Feedback pls.

Went to direct response format.

A+’s AND $$’s Brainstorm Pro Writing Software For School & Real Life. |
#critique #letter #pls #sales
  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    Originally Posted by jessegilbert View Post

    Feedback pls.

    Went to direct response format.

    A+'s AND $ Brainstorm Pro Writing Software For School & Real Life. |
    NO thanks.

    gjabiz
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  • Profile picture of the author ChadHaynes
    Seems like you're insulting the intelligence of your audience.

    You're basically telling people that if they buy your thesaurus, they should expect to get laid, get rich, get famous and be more interesting.

    Then you go on to say "There are more features that can't be shown simply in 1 screenshot."

    Why not show more screenshots?

    Also noticed in one of your testimonials, someone actually said they write "copyright" for clients.

    Sorry man but you're trying too hard. It actually seems like a cool tool, but your letter turned me off considering a purchase. I think a simple list of benefits, an example of the product in use, and two solid, short testimonials would sell this better than the letter you're running now.

    "The learning curve is like 20 minutes..."

    Like? Is your audience high school kids who want to write better essays (or skirt the effort required to write a decent one, more likely)? Those mother******* ain't be havin' money.

    But if so, why are you implying that this tool will make them rich? Wouldn't that be more of a copywriter angle? You're trying to be all things to all people.

    Plus, as you should know, copywriting involves way more than just writing. In fact, it's way more about sales, marketing and persuasion than the writing itself. You don't explain how a simple writing tool could lead to all the things you promise in the headline, even in theory.

    You also got some weird formatting going on. Sometimes Sentences Are Randomly Capitalised Like This and sometimes they're not.

    I'd start again.
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  • Profile picture of the author jessegilbert
    ok thanks Chad I can definitely work with constructive criticism (gjabiz I got your message in the main forum but my response was deleted because I mentioned an upgrade I added and it was looked at as promotion).

    the system is built so it can be modified for different purposes...

    Meaning the user can check a different box for the type of writing they are doing and get help in the form of instruction from writers who have achieved massive success in their field.

    The feature isn't 100% ready yet and it is mostly for advertising writers at the moment...but I do aim to have a quality writing tool that appeals to more than simply 1 writer's niche. It is hard to see now but the overall scope of the project is for more than simply a desktop writing software...

    I respect the advice of copywriters to 'Focus' but if you are going for a product with real residual income it is hard to just go for one small market. I mean...is the Warrior Forum focused? is Google? Microsoft?...They're for all business people really or a large enough sector to encompass anyone who wants to make more money or do something creative.

    I know I'm not them but I know enough about technology to create full scaleable apps...so I have more in mind then simply a one-off software for 1 segment of writers.

    Creative writers can benefit big time from it and I've already received feedback from credible published authors.

    Also the first version I had of it almost 10 yrs ago was used by at least 1 top name copywriter on this forum who bought a copy of the very first prototype. Despite the skepticism from copywriters who understandably balk at a tool promised to help with copy, I am confident this does provide a real value to the copywriter...not as the be all end all tool...but without a doubt something for their kit in that it can help with branding ideas, and finding different sectors of people to appeal to simply by seeing words and types of professions...

    gjabiz, my response to your last thread to me was deleted but 100% I wasn't addressing you it was another post who just said or seemed to imply 'crap scam' or whatever. I want to reiterate I appreciated your post and took zero offense to the issue you raised about the false 'Digital STD' positive on the spyware results.

    As far as insulting intelligence well this is the feedback received: Most people want to write better and not have to be too creative. Copywriters know this better than anyone...That is why they are hired part of the time.

    This tool doesn't propose to replace copywriters but to draw more businesses into it to get them up to speed on what is proven to work and then possibly work with copywriters more for honing messages and strategy.

    The teachings included from the great writers do actually provide verifiable help from the real experts who have achieved success.

    As far a sex and wealth goes I personally think it is far less an outlandish claim than the claims of 90% of the products available to say that if you learn better creative and business writing and can make money with it then you can legally and ethically gain the power to get what you want with far less compromise.

    Part of it I did just to test the 'Yeah what is the benefit' because as far as I know this are the types of benefits many people want (even if they don't say it outright...I go for blunt realism) and improved writing is a verifiable way to get there...After all...look at musicians who wrote good songs and got money and sex.

    Do you think a few of them used a paperback thesaurus (at 1/100th the speed and efficiency) at some point or wouldn't have used a rhyming tool to make catchier songs if the technology was available? It is similar to any digital creative technology in this manner from the synthesizers and top music software to the graphic design apps for album covers. This simply gets to the core of the creative process, the words.

    I can show more screenshots, it is not an issue really...I'll probably put some up in the next 20 minutes...

    I can even do video...I have done videos but haven't had enough traffic to test what is most effective.

    It is not simply a thesaurus. It is a complete branding and writing tool providing solutions to a number of creative and marketing problems and also includes words of wisdom and instruction from the people who know how to sell in the form of the pithiest and most distilled aphorisms possible to remind the writer as they go.

    I included this and yet market it as a tool for students because it is part of my core philosophy to acclimate people to the real world as soon as possible as far as sales and marketability goes. If you are writing with this in mind in 10th grade and learning what is what in terms of getting money from writing then it is a valuable educational tool as alternative to government approved programs designed to train people to be 'employees'.

    I can segment down landing pages and appeal more to specific sectors...It is a tool for copywriters, SEO's, bloggers and creative writers...and I do have 'Editions' where I can modify it, even a box cover and style for different writers like PR writers, Translators etc...

    I know copywriters have a hard time believing any multi-purpose writing tool can help them but there are elements there...I mean...just the tips from the best copywriters alone like Ogilvy probably make it worth at least $37 to the writer because it will remind them all the time of the principles of sales and they won't have to fish through notes or filecards to remember all the good tips and advice they received over the years..

    I don't mean to insult intelligence...maybe I just read too many quotes alluding to 'least common denominators'...You know or have some ideas of how unintentionally crass advertisers can become from knowing the reality of markets and fads.

    Anyways I will work on it some more and see how it goes.

    My question to you would be: Who should it be for? I don't see why it wouldn't be useful to simply copywriters or creative writers or businesses so if I can show it all in one short page maybe it can appeal to multiple sectors from 1 landing page.
    Signature
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    • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
      It could be the greatest software ever invented. I don't know.

      What I know is this: You don't have a Mac version. My PC went into sh*t fits when I tried the exe. file. I won't do an exe. file unless all the software I have, to PROTECT myself, tells me it is safe. Yours does not, at this time.

      I don't know who the software would be for. Maybe everyone, maybe replace word and you become the Bill Gates/Steve Jobs of the future. I don't know.

      I'm not fond of your attitude, but, hey, many aren't fond of mine, so no big whoop there.

      As for a critique on the direct response, it reads as if a 13 year old in junior high wrote it...IF your software is going to be used by professional writers...and copywriters...we don't buy better sex. We barter our coke for it.

      Get it fixed for a PC or bring out the Mac, and I will give it a try.

      Nothing personal, my comments are about my experience.

      gjabiz



      Originally Posted by jessegilbert View Post

      ok thanks Chad I can definitely work with constructive criticism (gjabiz I got your message in the main forum but my response was deleted because I mentioned an upgrade I added and it was looked at as promotion).

      the system is built so it can be modified for different purposes...

      Meaning the user can check a different box for the type of writing they are doing and get help in the form of instruction from writers who have achieved massive success in their field.

      The feature isn't 100% ready yet and it is mostly for advertising writers at the moment...but I do aim to have a quality writing tool that appeals to more than simply 1 writer's niche. It is hard to see now but the overall scope of the project is for more than simply a desktop writing software...

      I respect the advice of copywriters to 'Focus' but if you are going for a product with real residual income it is hard to just go for one small market. I mean...is the Warrior Forum focused? is Google? Microsoft?...They're for all business people really or a large enough sector to encompass anyone who wants to make more money or do something creative.

      I know I'm not them but I know enough about technology to create full scaleable apps...so I have more in mind then simply a one-off software for 1 segment of writers.

      Creative writers can benefit big time from it and I've already received feedback from credible published authors.

      Also the first version I had of it almost 10 yrs ago was used by at least 1 top name copywriter on this forum who bought a copy of the very first prototype. Despite the skepticism from copywriters who understandably balk at a tool promised to help with copy, I am confident this does provide a real value to the copywriter...not as the be all end all tool...but without a doubt something for their kit in that it can help with branding ideas, and finding different sectors of people to appeal to simply by seeing words and types of professions...

      gjabiz, my response to your last thread to me was deleted but 100% I wasn't addressing you it was another post who just said or seemed to imply 'crap scam' or whatever. I want to reiterate I appreciated your post and took zero offense to the issue you raised about the false 'Digital STD' positive on the spyware results.

      As far as insulting intelligence well this is the feedback received: Most people want to write better and not have to be too creative. Copywriters know this better than anyone...That is why they are hired part of the time.

      This tool doesn't propose to replace copywriters but to draw more businesses into it to get them up to speed on what is proven to work and then possibly work with copywriters more for honing messages and strategy.

      The teachings included from the great writers do actually provide verifiable help from the real experts who have achieved success.

      As far a sex and wealth goes I personally think it is far less an outlandish claim than the claims of 90% of the products available to say that if you learn better creative and business writing and can make money with it then you can legally and ethically gain the power to get what you want with far less compromise.

      Part of it I did just to test the 'Yeah what is the benefit' because as far as I know this are the types of benefits many people want (even if they don't say it outright...I go for blunt realism) and improved writing is a verifiable way to get there...After all...look at musicians who wrote good songs and got money and sex.

      Do you think a few of them used a paperback thesaurus (at 1/100th the speed and efficiency) at some point or wouldn't have used a rhyming tool to make catchier songs if the technology was available? It is similar to any digital creative technology in this manner from the synthesizers and top music software to the graphic design apps for album covers. This simply gets to the core of the creative process, the words.

      I can show more screenshots, it is not an issue really...I'll probably put some up in the next 20 minutes...

      I can even do video...I have done videos but haven't had enough traffic to test what is most effective.

      It is not simply a thesaurus. It is a complete branding and writing tool providing solutions to a number of creative and marketing problems and also includes words of wisdom and instruction from the people who know how to sell in the form of the pithiest and most distilled aphorisms possible to remind the writer as they go.

      I included this and yet market it as a tool for students because it is part of my core philosophy to acclimate people to the real world as soon as possible as far as sales and marketability goes. If you are writing with this in mind in 10th grade and learning what is what in terms of getting money from writing then it is a valuable educational tool as alternative to government approved programs designed to train people to be 'employees'.

      I can segment down landing pages and appeal more to specific sectors...It is a tool for copywriters, SEO's, bloggers and creative writers...and I do have 'Editions' where I can modify it, even a box cover and style for different writers like PR writers, Translators etc...

      I know copywriters have a hard time believing any multi-purpose writing tool can help them but there are elements there...I mean...just the tips from the best copywriters alone like Ogilvy probably make it worth at least $37 to the writer because it will remind them all the time of the principles of sales and they won't have to fish through notes or filecards to remember all the good tips and advice they received over the years..

      I don't mean to insult intelligence...maybe I just read too many quotes alluding to 'least common denominators'...You know or have some ideas of how unintentionally crass advertisers can become from knowing the reality of markets and fads.

      Anyways I will work on it some more and see how it goes.

      My question to you would be: Who should it be for? I don't see why it wouldn't be useful to simply copywriters or creative writers or businesses so if I can show it all in one short page maybe it can appeal to multiple sectors from 1 landing page.
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  • Profile picture of the author ChadHaynes
    If you want to write your own copy, read the classics and commit to learning.

    That's all I can really say.

    Your response was mostly defending yourself and your product. Like your letter, it was long, rambling, unstructured and mostly irrelevant to me—your target audience.

    Your sales letter reads like your response in that you're compensating. You're being defensive. It's clear that your fear of your product not being good enough is at the forefront of your mind. Why else would you so staunchly defend it when I actually said I thought it was cool?

    Food for thought.

    If I'm selling oxygen to someone, I'm going to talk about what the oxygen and the oxygen alone can do for them. I'm not going to try to sell money, sex, fame and adventure by saying that "People who have lifestyles you admire use oxygen." That's what you're doing with your headline and your ad.

    By the way, Google grew to overcome Yahoo! BECAUSE it was focused. It was a search engine only, whereas Yahoo! was a search engine + other things.

    Apple, big as they are, market to creatives, innovators, free thinkers, hipsters, etc. They focus on image and user-friendliness. They don't market to suits, NASA, gamers, etc.

    The Warrior Forum is split up into sub-forums in order to direct people to their relevant FOCUS (in this case, copywriting).

    But there's too much to cover so I'll end this reply here.

    Just go back to the first sentence – if you're gonna write your own copy, learn how.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    [DELETED]
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      • Profile picture of the author jessegilbert
        Originally Posted by Tim R View Post

        typical.
        predictable.
        characteristic.
        standard.
        average.
        mediocre.
        run of the mill.
        nothing out of the ordinary.
        trolling.

        When Gary Halbert says your writing is the bomb and made him whip out his credit card and buy, then dedicates a whole newsletter to your copy... and you've developed an enterprise level writing software program that automatically localizes to about a dozen different languages (possibly up to 70), and you have an email list of a few hundred translators eager to market, as well as your own search engine for finding good add on products and joint ventures...then come back and talk to me.

        For now, go play with your gerbil.
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        • Profile picture of the author Tim R
          Originally Posted by jessegilbert View Post

          When Gary Halbert says your writing is the bomb and made him whip out his credit card and buy, then dedicates a whole newsletter to your copy... and you've developed an enterprise level writing software program that automatically localizes to about a dozen different languages (possibly up to 70), and you have an email list of a few hundred translators eager to market, as well as your own search engine for finding good add on products and joint ventures...then come back and talk to me.
          When you can demonstrate you have the first clue what writers are actually looking for (hint: nobody is buying writing software because of promises of sex) and you're actually willing to listen to the advice you get, then maybe it'll be worth my time to give a serious response.

          In the meantime stop billing yourself as the lovechild of Bill Gates and Gary Halbert when everything you write clearly proves otherwise.

          It's ludicrous that you claim your software helps write better copy, when your own sales copy for it is so utterly rubbish.
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          • Profile picture of the author jessegilbert
            Originally Posted by Tim R View Post

            When you can demonstrate you have the first clue what writers are actually looking for (hint: nobody is buying writing software because of promises of sex) and you're actually willing to listen to the advice you get, then maybe it'll be worth my time to give a serious response.

            In the meantime stop billing yourself as the lovechild of Bill Gates and Gary Halbert when everything you write clearly proves otherwise.

            It's ludicrous that you claim your software helps write better copy, when your own sales copy for it is so utterly rubbish.

            Everyone buys everything because of promises of money, sex and creative power. And every copywriter who says otherwise is simply a candy-ass when it comes to writing who can't bring themselves to the truth and find the way to position their product this way for maximum effect.

            Tell me why anyone would buy writing software? What, to write a grant proposal? Same end benefit. Eventually it comes down to the same thing.

            Here is the email I just sent out:

            All these people be askin: what's the real benefit of your product?

            Here it is: More Sex, Money, Power.

            Why the **** else does anyone do anything?

            To save dogs? save rainforests?

            I like dogs and I like trees but humans are always tryin' to get around the issue.

            Even animals are more to the point at times then humans.

            Men want pussy. Women want men with looks and money.

            Man have looks and lots of money, more woman want man.

            Both want to be looked upon as pillars of the community.and create children and do other creative works to leave a legacy.

            Simple as that.

            One way to achieve this is to write better: All your business communications, all your proposals...

            You can get the top tips from the best writers in history as you are writing and you can't help but be more persuasive.

            Brainstorm Pro helps you with this. It focuses your writing like a lazer and gives you tips from the writers
            who know how to sell ideas and make money and get what they want...

            Not these people trying to tell you what is, isn't...that there is something more...

            I've been taking some mad heat on the forums for telling it like it is and trying to sell a software product.

            People tell me: People don't buy software to get more money and sex.

            Oh. Really? So tell me why then?

            Let me ask you Firstname: Is there any other reason you would buy writing software other then to get sex and money and create?

            Brainstorm Pro gives you massive creative power via written words and ideas.

            If you haven't already, get it now while you can still download it for $1 to see.

            *****

            Perhaps you are right...but calling it utter rubbish when some top writers have said it is not great but has a lot of good elements seems a tad extreme.

            I will see what the response to this is, if any.

            I think the angle may be solid but only time will tell.


            P.S. I'm not billing myself as a lovechild of Bill Gates and Gary Halbert so stop trying to gay-ify my idea of combining the genius of two major money making geniuses into my strategy.
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            • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
              Originally Posted by jessegilbert View Post

              Everyone buys everything because of promises of money, sex and creative power. And every copywriter who says otherwise is simply a candy-ass when it comes to writing who can't bring themselves to the truth and find the way to position their product this way for maximum effect.

              Tell me why anyone would buy writing software? What, to write a grant proposal? Same end benefit. Eventually it comes down to the same thing.

              Here is the email I just sent out:

              All these people be askin: what's the real benefit of your product?

              Here it is: More Sex, Money, Power.

              Why the **** else does anyone do anything?

              To save dogs? save rainforests?

              I like dogs and I like trees but humans are always tryin' to get around the issue.

              Even animals are more to the point at times then humans.

              Men want pussy. Women want men with looks and money.

              Man have looks and lots of money, more woman want man.

              Both want to be looked upon as pillars of the community.and create children and do other creative works to leave a legacy.

              Simple as that.

              One way to achieve this is to write better: All your business communications, all your proposals...

              You can get the top tips from the best writers in history as you are writing and you can't help but be more persuasive.

              Brainstorm Pro helps you with this. It focuses your writing like a lazer and gives you tips from the writers
              who know how to sell ideas and make money and get what they want...

              Not these people trying to tell you what is, isn't...that there is something more...

              I've been taking some mad heat on the forums for telling it like it is and trying to sell a software product.

              People tell me: People don't buy software to get more money and sex.

              Oh. Really? So tell me why then?

              Let me ask you Firstname: Is there any other reason you would buy writing software other then to get sex and money and create?

              Brainstorm Pro gives you massive creative power via written words and ideas.

              If you haven't already, get it now while you can still download it for $1 to see.

              *****

              Perhaps you are right...but calling it utter rubbish when some top writers have said it is not great but has a lot of good elements seems a tad extreme.

              I will see what the response to this is, if any.

              I think the angle may be solid but only time will tell.


              P.S. I'm not billing myself as a lovechild of Bill Gates and Gary Halbert so stop trying to gay-ify my idea of combining the genius of two major money making geniuses into my strategy.
              Yes. When I buy tampons, I'm thinking about money, sex, and creative power. I'm sure you get that way about buying eggs.
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              • Profile picture of the author jessegilbert
                Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

                Yes. When I buy tampons, I'm thinking about money, sex, and creative power. I'm sure you get that way about buying eggs.
                Lol.

                The brand that advertises in a way, whether subtlety or overtly, that appeals to those 4 motives is probably the product you buy whether consciously or subconsciously.

                Even if you paid for non-generic brands that might not be of higher quality or cost more to produce...I'm guessing it would probably be because of something written on the packaging and the style of branding.

                Actually those two everyday products provide perfect examples of products that could apply my sex money power creativity principles of written advertising (in an overt or subtle way) to outsell any and all competition.

                I could actually go into more details about how to use this logic to possibly sell a lot more tampons and eggs using these themes. To put it simply: Using the theme of fertility (and sex) with eggs advertising in a subtle or overt way could be a major market advantage if done correctly in a way that flies under the subconcious radar. For men yes and especially for women.

                This would be with words like: .
                productive.
                creative.
                fruitful.
                beneficial.
                ...
                I took some words out here but there are some other really good ones.

                then just ad some words on like:
                deluxe.
                upmarket
                or something to appeal to their sense of status.

                People buy all sorts of worthless pills with these words that don't do a thing so if they are dumb enough to fall for that than most certainly something like quality of eggs which actually does have some real effect on the person then yeah definitely.

                (and I don't mean to degrade the average consumer but the state of advertising has gotten such that people believe the most utter nonsense, such as that a special pharma pill for $5 each can actually help anyone with anything. also the level of corruption on a legal basis designed to max these profits is ridiculous but I don't want to get into that right now suffice it to say it is at the level of a drug cartel or even worse),

                I could explain more and the price & quality combination probably has to account for a few variables like competition. But yeah...same principles...applies to tampons and eggs too.

                The only question that remains is how to do the advertising that remains ethical and legal while maximizing profit and grinding the competition under your boots forever and ever.
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            • Profile picture of the author DABK
              Not a copywriter, but a buyer of products: you over-simplify. I've bought for other reasons. I know of a handful of people who did likewise. I am not unique, like I think I am.

              I write, I think I'm a writer. I think I'm a good writer. I write for my websites, I write to sell several services. I'd love to write faster and better. Your sales letter is not convincing me to give you a try.

              Added: the expectation is that your sales letter was produced with the help of your software and it's not great... Why is it not great: it makes assumptions about why I want to write better or faster that are too general... You seem to be trying to hit everyone and, wouldn't-you-know-it-I-think-I'm-special-different, so your letter doesn't speak to me.

              Plus, there are jarring spots... that I notice only as jarring spots.

              Originally Posted by jessegilbert View Post

              Everyone buys everything because of promises of money, sex and creative power. And every copywriter who says otherwise is simply a candy-ass when it comes to writing who can't bring themselves to the truth and find the way to position their product this way for maximum effect.
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      • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
        Originally Posted by Tim R View Post

        Don't drive angry!
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        • Profile picture of the author Tim R
          Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

          Don't drive angry!
          Also don't drive annoyed, bitter, enraged, furious, heated, irate, outraged or resentful.

          Amazing what you can do in five seconds with a free thesaurus
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  • Profile picture of the author ChadHaynes
    You don't want a sales letter critique. You want people to validate you.
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    • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
      Originally Posted by ChadHaynes View Post

      You don't want a sales letter critique. You want people to validate you.
      @Jessegilbert, you might not like this comment ^, but it's certainly how you come off. Asking for feedback means you ignore the stuff that's not helpful, you apply the stuff that is and you thank people for taking the time to help you.

      Posting long-winded rebuttles (like the one you're cooking up for me right now) is just going to make people not want to help you...or even talk to you.

      Your writing skills need a LOT of improvement. A lot. So does your sales confidence. So does your knowledge of what it even takes to write good copy...and you're lost as a ball in tall weeds about positioning.

      I've seen several posts where people have politely tried to tell you these things and it seems you're still just not getting it. Maybe you'd get more favorable responses by practicing some humility.
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  • Before asking for a critique ask yourself...

    does anyone really want this?

    are there other people selling this type of thing and doing well?

    the answer? NO

    stop wasting your time and money.
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    For 12 ways to sell more stuff to more people today...go to...www.peterbrennan.net
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    I don't think you quite realize it, so I'll blurt it out:

    The quality of your copy on that page is actually UNSELLING the product.

    I'm not trying to be hurtful here. I'm trying to help.

    You aren't DEMONSTRATING how your product could improve someone's copy. You're blowing a major opportunity.

    If it's so good, use your own product on yourself! And show us how you're doing it.

    In addition, your wild, unproven promises are overwhelming. They scream BS.

    Furthermore, you're communicating right now with YOUR market. This forum.

    They're trying to help you. But your righteousness/resistance is creating an adversarial dialogue.

    We all want to see you succeed, otherwise we wouldn't be commenting.

    You may not like what you're hearing. But don't lash out. Don't alienate.

    The people who are posting here are working copywriters, and you're minimizing their feedback, their input, their value.

    I'd figure out a better way to get the feedback you want.

    Jesse, I see many ultra-profitable possibilities for your product. Others I'm sure, do as well.

    But right now, sorry but it's not looking good. Time to turn it around.

    - Rick Duris

    PS: Let me put it this way: Show us how your product IS SUPERIOR to hitting shift-F7 in Word or going out to thesaurus.com.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    If you have any brains in your skull, you'll internalize every word Rick said.
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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    I honestly haven't even read what the product does... but it looked like a piece of software.

    I've had VERY good luck with clients who sell software/apps/programs by using this formula.

    First, I have to admit, I swiped Michel Fortin's/John Reece's PROOF headline he used
    for Traffic Secrets.

    But at the top of the page I put the word PROOF in huge letters... then underneath that, I write out the single biggest benefit the software offers to the prospect, in regards to what they're looking for.

    Sure, that piece of software may do 100 things... but ONE of them will be the biggest reason why people would want it.

    So, I use the word "PROOF" at the top... then write out that one benefit under that.. .and then directly
    under that, I have the client record a short, one to two minute Camtasia video that's demonstrating this #1 benefit.

    In the video, my client actually SHOWS the software/app in action, DOING the one thing we talked about in the headline, which was our #1 benefit.

    This, by itself, can often buy a few minutes to capture your prospects attention. Then, you can continue on selling by talking about the next most important thing the software does, as it relates to what the prospect wants.

    But again I didn't even read this, but noticed it was for software.

    The PROOF lede and Camtasia demo right below, highlighting the most important thing
    the software does... this formula has worked well for me and my clients.
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  • I think what the people are trying to tell you is…

    Re think and rewrite the copy without the ridiculous ego and hype.

    And lose the "I'm right, you're all wrong" attitude.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author jessegilbert
    I'm not looking for 'validation'. I'm looking for ways to get lots and lots of money in my bank account now and I believe copywriting and working with copywriters is a big factor in doing it.

    And if I am somehow looking for validation, like basically everyone is, it is not from a comment on a forum but rather the results of hard work translating feedback into a ridiculously profitable software product.


    FYI http://www.brainstormpro.com/wp-cont...aryhalbert.pdf

    I have written copy for a top internet marketer that was a top seller that was reviewed favorably by the Prince of Print himself so if my patience runs thin here it is because I don't want to hear this 'Go, start all over, study copy, learn from the greats'. I done did that already. I'm studied, at least 2k hours via real world education at places like Barnes and Noble and via direct mail style websites so please don't tell me I'm not copy enough.

    I know a lot of people on here have more experience in terms of volume but that was my first professional sales letter for a client and I have improved considerably in the last 10yrs.

    Thanks for the feedback.

    Jesse Gilbert

    P.S. The word copywriting currently shows up as a red underlined typo and I will be working to correct this if and when my software works on major web browsers.
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  • Profile picture of the author ChadHaynes
    You're amusing.
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  • Profile picture of the author jessegilbert
    P.S. here is a link to my copy:
    The Gary Halbert Letter

    There is a good story to it and how Halbert's teaching could end up as a factor in producing something bigger than Silicon Valley.

    If I sound like I lack humility it is because I'm onto something potentially bigger than youtube in the offline world and kissing ass isn't in my DNA.

    If my copy looks off, it's probably because I'm not simply writing copy which is much easier when you don't have to manage the entire product development and website on practically zero budget.
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    • Profile picture of the author ChadHaynes
      Originally Posted by jessegilbert View Post

      P.S. here is a link to my copy:
      The Gary Halbert Letter

      There is a good story to it and how Halbert's teaching could end up as a factor in producing something bigger than Silicon Valley.

      If I sound like I lack humility it is because I'm onto something potentially bigger than youtube in the offline world and kissing ass isn't in my DNA.

      If my copy looks off, it's probably because I'm not simply writing copy which is much easier when you don't have to manage the entire product development and website on practically zero budget.
      Excuses.
      Justifications.
      Delusion.

      Your sales letter is objectively bad and demonstrates a lack of understanding when it comes to the basic fundamentals of writing copy – fact.

      And this whole Gary Halbert thing you've been riding for ten years doesn't change that. Stop mentioning it. Nobody's impressed.

      Doesn't it say something to you that after ten years, you still can't point to anything better than "Gary Halbert wrote about a product I wrote about once" to mark your success as a copywriter?

      Take advice, or make less money. Those are your options.

      EDIT: Gary says the copy was written by Martin Lee. I don't see your name mentioned anywhere.
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  • Profile picture of the author dmaster555
    Wouldn't it be something if OP did this on purpose.

    Then he will return to show us a masterfully rewritten sales letter that was done using brainstorm pro.

    Would be pretty clever actually.
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  • Profile picture of the author jessegilbert
    suspicion.
    hostility.
    resentment.
    distrust.
    wariness.
    caution.
    circumspection.
    mistrustfulness.
    resentfulness.
    and finally, desirousness.

    Keep thinkin' it. But maybe you too will soon want Brainstorm Pro...The writing and persuasion software that is stormin the internets...Even if the copy aint perfect just yet.

    But by then, by the time you realize what it is...the price may be jacked up...to a monthly recurring fee...because I do take advice...good advice...and may have gotten some today to make my profits go up 10,000% or more.

    P.S. I'm not a 'copywriter'. Not because I can't be...But because 1 word can't adequately encompass all that I aspire to do.

    If there was a word like 'entrepreneur and multi-faceted online-offline developer and post mail-email direct style marketer who knows the power of copywriting and how to do some of it too' then that is maybe the title I would choose.

    P.P.S. I haven't been riding the Gary Halbert cred for a decade...not even 3 months. And yeah I do think it would impress a few people...maybe even enough to pay me 10gs for a salesletter to fund the changes I want to make on the site and improvements to the product. If you really believe Martin Lee wrote that all I can say is good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author Tim R
      Originally Posted by jessegilbert View Post

      But by then, by the time you realize what it is...the price may be jacked up...to a monthly recurring fee...because I do take advice...good advice...and may have gotten some today to make my profits go up 10,000% or more.
      If there's such a demand for it I honestly have no idea why you're trying so hard to convince everyone here why they need it.

      Despite all the threads and posts you keep making on this, I still can't see a single reason why I would use it.

      Since you're obviously such a Gary Halbert fan, take his advice and go find your starving crowd. In other words, go make a fortune with your software by selling it to the people who actually want it.
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  • You keep buying yourself one way tickets to palookersville...

    So stop antagonising everyone.

    And stop philosophising about your copy.

    Do this instead.

    Look at your Halbert "liked it" letter.

    Look at your pitch for Brainstormpro.

    Can you see the monumental differences?

    Yes?

    Good.

    Now, rewrite Brainstorm.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Also, I own writing software.

    Final Draft: formats scripts and tracks notes. Helpful for screenwriters.

    Dragon Naturally Speaking: I don't have to sit at my computer and can still write in a conversational tone.

    Scrivener: with index card mode for tracking ideas and sections, and almost too many benefits to count for large, complex writing projects.

    I see a direct line from these to money. They help me save time and effort. I still don't see how yours helps. But keep trying - you may stumble across a good hook yet.
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    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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    • Profile picture of the author jessegilbert
      Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

      Also, I own writing software.

      Final Draft: formats scripts and tracks notes. Helpful for screenwriters.

      Dragon Naturally Speaking: I don't have to sit at my computer and can still write in a conversational tone.

      Scrivener: with index card mode for tracking ideas and sections, and almost too many benefits to count for large, complex writing projects.

      I see a direct line from these to money. They help me save time and effort. I still don't see how yours helps. But keep trying - you may stumble across a good hook yet.
      Screenwriters most definitely need Brainstorm Pro. When thinking of a title for a movie, this is where the right word really, really, really comes into play. There are even less words to work with than a headline.

      So yeah, exploring carefully all possible options based on the theme of the movie could pay massive dividends with as little as 30 minutes of work.

      For example, today I found the word: in·vid·i·ous when looking for some ammunition while writing. I never heard of the word before but the sound was kind of interesting so I right clicked on it and looked it up and here was the result: Dictionary

      It actually perfectly described some of my dilemmas about my personality.

      If I ever made a movie about myself, that could be the title. It's not that I do it intentionally, I just always find myself being invidious.

      So for a one word title for a screenwriter then yeah they'd probably want to use Brainstorm Pro to get more marketing power for their movie for under $30.

      I could say what I would think of them for not buying it, if they knew what it does and how easy it is... but then I'd be being 'invidious' again.

      Then it has the rhyming feature. So if the user wanted to rhyme the word to search out a catchy word to make it a 2 word title then that really helps.

      This is also for everyday branding like domain names. Finding individual words and rhyming but gotta stay focused on the topic: Screenwriting.

      Sure some of these tools are available online in various formats, but believe me, it is much easier having them all in one place. It hasn't developed fully yet but it aims to be a creative word tool like any major app such as photoshop but for the writer and wordsmith.
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  • Profile picture of the author joe golfer
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author jessegilbert
      Originally Posted by joe golfer View Post

      I just changed my mind on all this. For a while, I thought it was an entertaining long-game troll, the patient kind that takes months to do right.

      I've changed my opinion. I wouldn't change a thing. In fact, make the copy even crazier if you can!

      Go all out. Post these insane sales letters that make little sense, and send out crazier emails. There's so much you could do with the character and storylines. (Ex. "I'm a mix of Bill Gates and Gary Halbert!" Lots of potential there. For example, how would have Gary Halbert sold DOS in a sales letter?)

      I'm serious. Test it. I'm really curious what the result will be for this campaign of loopy madness. I hope you keep us updated. Good luck.
      LOL. Thank you. I will try. I wrote some copy for the people who may sometimes spend money on pharmaceuticals...the ones a lot of people call crazy or insane or loopy. I want all these people as my customers. If you want to read some examples of 'crazy' ways I use copywriting to sell software then let me know and I can send a sample letter I wrote for this market segment.
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    I'll tell you one thing: You gotta admire Jesse's belief in himself.

    You may think it self-delusion, but I think it's exactly this type of delusion that's required to persevere in the face of rejection, criticism, failure and in times of stark sobriety, self-doubt.
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  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    Haven't taken the time to read the above responses...but here's my take...

    Seems as though the software is for those who are already writers. Quite sure they know the full potential of writing.

    My thought is your sales letter is starting at square one and trying to convince the reader what can be achieved through writing. If the reader doesn't ALREADY know the potential...I doubt your letter seemingly aimed at newbies is going to appeal to your desired audience. Your approach cheapens your product.
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    • Profile picture of the author jessegilbert
      Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

      Haven't taken the time to read the above responses...but here's my take...

      Seems as though the software is for those who are already writers. Quite sure they know the full potential of writing.

      My thought is your sales letter is starting at square one and trying to convince the reader what can be achieved through writing. If the reader doesn't ALREADY know the potential...I doubt your letter seemingly aimed at newbies is going to appeal to your desired audience. Your approach cheapens your product.
      Yes you are probably right. Actually definitely right. I need to bring it upscale a bit. I'm going to work on it as soon as I have funds and time.
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  • Profile picture of the author bojan92
    Well you said to criticize so i am going to. As it was previously mentioned this software could work better than any other , the thing i dint like is when i go to your link it immediately gives you a bunch of text.I think you should rearrange your website and the way you are presenting this. You gave a lot of effort into creating this product, you should do some more into presenting it. At the end of the day looks sells. Hope this helps. Wish you all the best.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Jesse, as we all know, there's no clear one sentence statement
      which describes who it's for and what it does.

      If your ideal prospect was only to read that one sentence,
      she'd want it.

      Writing classified ads where you have limited space
      helps tremendously to boil your big idea into one sentence.

      I have a client/friend who split tests big ideas on Twitter
      because you are limited by characters and text only.

      So let's work on that.

      What follows next is a springboard to jump-start
      right idea generation.

      Here's a little formula...

      For writers who want [x] so they can [make their work easier and better]

      One fill in the blank example...

      For Writers Who Want Fresh Words So They Can
      Describe The Ordinary


      Now it's your turn to fill in the blanks.

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile
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      • Profile picture of the author jessegilbert
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Jesse, as we all know, there's no clear one sentence statement
        which describes who it's for and what it does.

        If your ideal prospect was only to read that one sentence,
        she'd want it.

        Writing classified ads where you have limited space
        helps tremendously to boil your big idea into one sentence.

        I have a client/friend who split tests big ideas on Twitter
        because you are limited by characters and text only.

        So let's work on that.

        What follows next is a springboard to jump-start
        right idea generation.

        Here's a little formula...

        For writers who want [x] so they can [make their work easier and better]

        One fill in the blank example...

        For Writers Who Want Fresh Words So They Can
        Describe The Ordinary


        Now it's your turn to fill in the blanks.

        Best,
        Doctor E. Vile
        Wow! that's awesome thanks. I do have a feature for twitter users where they writer can create floating textboxes and specify the number of characters. that is a great hook there and if you don't mind I will probably try it out.
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    • Profile picture of the author jessegilbert
      Originally Posted by bojan92 View Post

      Well you said to criticize so i am going to. As it was previously mentioned this software could work better than any other , the thing i dint like is when i go to your link it immediately gives you a bunch of text.I think you should rearrange your website and the way you are presenting this. You gave a lot of effort into creating this product, you should do some more into presenting it. At the end of the day looks sells. Hope this helps. Wish you all the best.
      Thank you very much. You are right. I need to invest in box cover graphics. Maybe direct sales style isn't 100% right for the main landing page but could work for more segmented ads. I'm considering this branding:


      Not sure if it is right but I'm considering this or some sort of graphic like:

      to sort of 'weaponize' it...because again if we go by the sex money power principle then weapon is good, may help man or woman get more sex money creative power. maybe not that specific graphic but maybe something similar to a 3d design showing parts.

      or something like a lightbulb and a diamond tipped pen made of gold.

      or maybe a crown to appeal to the royal sense of the writer and the aim of sovereignty that Brainstorm Pro helps to bring more of to the business owner.

      Not really sure yet what to do here and lacking funds at the moment to get the really good logo bids going but hopefully will come back soon with something to show.

      Thanks again.

      P.S. strategize is another word my browser doesn't recognize along with copywriting. will be working to correct these critical oversights if the product gets big.
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