Sales Letter Critique Pls.

NO thanks.

gjabiz

Seems like you're insulting the intelligence of your audience.

You're basically telling people that if they buy your thesaurus, they should expect to get laid, get rich, get famous and be more interesting.

Then you go on to say "There are more features that can't be shown simply in 1 screenshot."

Why not show more screenshots?

Also noticed in one of your testimonials, someone actually said they write "copyright" for clients.

Sorry man but you're trying too hard. It actually seems like a cool tool, but your letter turned me off considering a purchase. I think a simple list of benefits, an example of the product in use, and two solid, short testimonials would sell this better than the letter you're running now.

"The learning curve is like 20 minutes..."

Like? Is your audience high school kids who want to write better essays (or skirt the effort required to write a decent one, more likely)? Those mother******* ain't be havin' money.

But if so, why are you implying that this tool will make them rich? Wouldn't that be more of a copywriter angle? You're trying to be all things to all people.

Plus, as you should know, copywriting involves way more than just writing. In fact, it's way more about sales, marketing and persuasion than the writing itself. You don't explain how a simple writing tool could lead to all the things you promise in the headline, even in theory.

You also got some weird formatting going on. Sometimes Sentences Are Randomly Capitalised Like This and sometimes they're not.

I'd start again.

ok thanks Chad I can definitely work with constructive criticism (gjabiz I got your message in the main forum but my response was deleted because I mentioned an upgrade I added and it was looked at as promotion).

the system is built so it can be modified for different purposes...

Meaning the user can check a different box for the type of writing they are doing and get help in the form of instruction from writers who have achieved massive success in their field.

The feature isn't 100% ready yet and it is mostly for advertising writers at the moment...but I do aim to have a quality writing tool that appeals to more than simply 1 writer's niche. It is hard to see now but the overall scope of the project is for more than simply a desktop writing software...

I respect the advice of copywriters to 'Focus' but if you are going for a product with real residual income it is hard to just go for one small market. I mean...is the Warrior Forum focused? is Google? Microsoft?...They're for all business people really or a large enough sector to encompass anyone who wants to make more money or do something creative.

I know I'm not them but I know enough about technology to create full scaleable apps...so I have more in mind then simply a one-off software for 1 segment of writers.

Creative writers can benefit big time from it and I've already received feedback from credible published authors.

Also the first version I had of it almost 10 yrs ago was used by at least 1 top name copywriter on this forum who bought a copy of the very first prototype. Despite the skepticism from copywriters who understandably balk at a tool promised to help with copy, I am confident this does provide a real value to the copywriter...not as the be all end all tool...but without a doubt something for their kit in that it can help with branding ideas, and finding different sectors of people to appeal to simply by seeing words and types of professions...

gjabiz, my response to your last thread to me was deleted but 100% I wasn't addressing you it was another post who just said or seemed to imply 'crap scam' or whatever. I want to reiterate I appreciated your post and took zero offense to the issue you raised about the false 'Digital STD' positive on the spyware results.

As far as insulting intelligence well this is the feedback received: Most people want to write better and not have to be too creative. Copywriters know this better than anyone...That is why they are hired part of the time.

This tool doesn't propose to replace copywriters but to draw more businesses into it to get them up to speed on what is proven to work and then possibly work with copywriters more for honing messages and strategy.

The teachings included from the great writers do actually provide verifiable help from the real experts who have achieved success.

As far a sex and wealth goes I personally think it is far less an outlandish claim than the claims of 90% of the products available to say that if you learn better creative and business writing and can make money with it then you can legally and ethically gain the power to get what you want with far less compromise.

Part of it I did just to test the 'Yeah what is the benefit' because as far as I know this are the types of benefits many people want (even if they don't say it outright...I go for blunt realism) and improved writing is a verifiable way to get there...After all...look at musicians who wrote good songs and got money and sex.

Do you think a few of them used a paperback thesaurus (at 1/100th the speed and efficiency) at some point or wouldn't have used a rhyming tool to make catchier songs if the technology was available? It is similar to any digital creative technology in this manner from the synthesizers and top music software to the graphic design apps for album covers. This simply gets to the core of the creative process, the words.

I can show more screenshots, it is not an issue really...I'll probably put some up in the next 20 minutes...

I can even do video...I have done videos but haven't had enough traffic to test what is most effective.

It is not simply a thesaurus. It is a complete branding and writing tool providing solutions to a number of creative and marketing problems and also includes words of wisdom and instruction from the people who know how to sell in the form of the pithiest and most distilled aphorisms possible to remind the writer as they go.

I included this and yet market it as a tool for students because it is part of my core philosophy to acclimate people to the real world as soon as possible as far as sales and marketability goes. If you are writing with this in mind in 10th grade and learning what is what in terms of getting money from writing then it is a valuable educational tool as alternative to government approved programs designed to train people to be 'employees'.

I can segment down landing pages and appeal more to specific sectors...It is a tool for copywriters, SEO's, bloggers and creative writers...and I do have 'Editions' where I can modify it, even a box cover and style for different writers like PR writers, Translators etc...

I know copywriters have a hard time believing any multi-purpose writing tool can help them but there are elements there...I mean...just the tips from the best copywriters alone like Ogilvy probably make it worth at least $37 to the writer because it will remind them all the time of the principles of sales and they won't have to fish through notes or filecards to remember all the good tips and advice they received over the years..

I don't mean to insult intelligence...maybe I just read too many quotes alluding to 'least common denominators'...You know or have some ideas of how unintentionally crass advertisers can become from knowing the reality of markets and fads.

Anyways I will work on it some more and see how it goes.

My question to you would be: Who should it be for? I don't see why it wouldn't be useful to simply copywriters or creative writers or businesses so if I can show it all in one short page maybe it can appeal to multiple sectors from 1 landing page.

If you want to write your own copy, read the classics and commit to learning.

That's all I can really say.

Your response was mostly defending yourself and your product. Like your letter, it was long, rambling, unstructured and mostly irrelevant to me—your target audience.

Your sales letter reads like your response in that you're compensating. You're being defensive. It's clear that your fear of your product not being good enough is at the forefront of your mind. Why else would you so staunchly defend it when I actually said I thought it was cool?

Food for thought.

If I'm selling oxygen to someone, I'm going to talk about what the oxygen and the oxygen alone can do for them. I'm not going to try to sell money, sex, fame and adventure by saying that "People who have lifestyles you admire use oxygen." That's what you're doing with your headline and your ad.

By the way, Google grew to overcome Yahoo! BECAUSE it was focused. It was a search engine only, whereas Yahoo! was a search engine + other things.

Apple, big as they are, market to creatives, innovators, free thinkers, hipsters, etc. They focus on image and user-friendliness. They don't market to suits, NASA, gamers, etc.

The Warrior Forum is split up into sub-forums in order to direct people to their relevant FOCUS (in this case, copywriting).

But there's too much to cover so I'll end this reply here.

Just go back to the first sentence – if you're gonna write your own copy, learn how.

You don't want a sales letter critique. You want people to validate you.

Before asking for a critique ask yourself...

does anyone really want this?

are there other people selling this type of thing and doing well?

the answer? NO

stop wasting your time and money.

I don't think you quite realize it, so I'll blurt it out:

The quality of your copy on that page is actually UNSELLING the product.

I'm not trying to be hurtful here. I'm trying to help.

You aren't DEMONSTRATING how your product could improve someone's copy. You're blowing a major opportunity.

If it's so good, use your own product on yourself! And show us how you're doing it.

In addition, your wild, unproven promises are overwhelming. They scream BS.

Furthermore, you're communicating right now with YOUR market. This forum.

They're trying to help you. But your righteousness/resistance is creating an adversarial dialogue.

We all want to see you succeed, otherwise we wouldn't be commenting.

You may not like what you're hearing. But don't lash out. Don't alienate.

The people who are posting here are working copywriters, and you're minimizing their feedback, their input, their value.

I'd figure out a better way to get the feedback you want.

Jesse, I see many ultra-profitable possibilities for your product. Others I'm sure, do as well.

But right now, sorry but it's not looking good. Time to turn it around.

- Rick Duris

PS: Let me put it this way: Show us how your product IS SUPERIOR to hitting shift-F7 in Word or going out to thesaurus.com.

If you have any brains in your skull, you'll internalize every word Rick said.

I honestly haven't even read what the product does... but it looked like a piece of software.

I've had VERY good luck with clients who sell software/apps/programs by using this formula.

First, I have to admit, I swiped Michel Fortin's/John Reece's PROOF headline he used
for Traffic Secrets.

But at the top of the page I put the word PROOF in huge letters... then underneath that, I write out the single biggest benefit the software offers to the prospect, in regards to what they're looking for.

Sure, that piece of software may do 100 things... but ONE of them will be the biggest reason why people would want it.

So, I use the word "PROOF" at the top... then write out that one benefit under that.. .and then directly
under that, I have the client record a short, one to two minute Camtasia video that's demonstrating this #1 benefit.

In the video, my client actually SHOWS the software/app in action, DOING the one thing we talked about in the headline, which was our #1 benefit.

This, by itself, can often buy a few minutes to capture your prospects attention. Then, you can continue on selling by talking about the next most important thing the software does, as it relates to what the prospect wants.

But again I didn't even read this, but noticed it was for software.

The PROOF lede and Camtasia demo right below, highlighting the most important thing
the software does... this formula has worked well for me and my clients.

I think what the people are trying to tell you is…

Re think and rewrite the copy without the ridiculous ego and hype.

And lose the "I'm right, you're all wrong" attitude.


Steve

I'm not looking for 'validation'. I'm looking for ways to get lots and lots of money in my bank account now and I believe copywriting and working with copywriters is a big factor in doing it.

And if I am somehow looking for validation, like basically everyone is, it is not from a comment on a forum but rather the results of hard work translating feedback into a ridiculously profitable software product.


FYI http://www.brainstormpro.com/wp-cont...aryhalbert.pdf

I have written copy for a top internet marketer that was a top seller that was reviewed favorably by the Prince of Print himself so if my patience runs thin here it is because I don't want to hear this 'Go, start all over, study copy, learn from the greats'. I done did that already. I'm studied, at least 2k hours via real world education at places like Barnes and Noble and via direct mail style websites so please don't tell me I'm not copy enough.

I know a lot of people on here have more experience in terms of volume but that was my first professional sales letter for a client and I have improved considerably in the last 10yrs.

Thanks for the feedback.

Jesse Gilbert

P.S. The word copywriting currently shows up as a red underlined typo and I will be working to correct this if and when my software works on major web browsers.

You're amusing.

P.S. here is a link to my copy:
The Gary Halbert Letter

There is a good story to it and how Halbert's teaching could end up as a factor in producing something bigger than Silicon Valley.

If I sound like I lack humility it is because I'm onto something potentially bigger than youtube in the offline world and kissing ass isn't in my DNA.

If my copy looks off, it's probably because I'm not simply writing copy which is much easier when you don't have to manage the entire product development and website on practically zero budget.

Wouldn't it be something if OP did this on purpose.

Then he will return to show us a masterfully rewritten sales letter that was done using brainstorm pro.

Would be pretty clever actually.

suspicion.
hostility.
resentment.
distrust.
wariness.
caution.
circumspection.
mistrustfulness.
resentfulness.
and finally, desirousness.

Keep thinkin' it. But maybe you too will soon want Brainstorm Pro...The writing and persuasion software that is stormin the internets...Even if the copy aint perfect just yet.

But by then, by the time you realize what it is...the price may be jacked up...to a monthly recurring fee...because I do take advice...good advice...and may have gotten some today to make my profits go up 10,000% or more.

P.S. I'm not a 'copywriter'. Not because I can't be...But because 1 word can't adequately encompass all that I aspire to do.

If there was a word like 'entrepreneur and multi-faceted online-offline developer and post mail-email direct style marketer who knows the power of copywriting and how to do some of it too' then that is maybe the title I would choose.

P.P.S. I haven't been riding the Gary Halbert cred for a decade...not even 3 months. And yeah I do think it would impress a few people...maybe even enough to pay me 10gs for a salesletter to fund the changes I want to make on the site and improvements to the product. If you really believe Martin Lee wrote that all I can say is good luck.

You keep buying yourself one way tickets to palookersville...

So stop antagonising everyone.

And stop philosophising about your copy.

Do this instead.

Look at your Halbert "liked it" letter.

Look at your pitch for Brainstormpro.

Can you see the monumental differences?

Yes?

Good.

Now, rewrite Brainstorm.


Steve

Also, I own writing software.

Final Draft: formats scripts and tracks notes. Helpful for screenwriters.

Dragon Naturally Speaking: I don't have to sit at my computer and can still write in a conversational tone.

Scrivener: with index card mode for tracking ideas and sections, and almost too many benefits to count for large, complex writing projects.

I see a direct line from these to money. They help me save time and effort. I still don't see how yours helps. But keep trying - you may stumble across a good hook yet.

I'll tell you one thing: You gotta admire Jesse's belief in himself.

You may think it self-delusion, but I think it's exactly this type of delusion that's required to persevere in the face of rejection, criticism, failure and in times of stark sobriety, self-doubt.

Haven't taken the time to read the above responses...but here's my take...

Seems as though the software is for those who are already writers. Quite sure they know the full potential of writing.

My thought is your sales letter is starting at square one and trying to convince the reader what can be achieved through writing. If the reader doesn't ALREADY know the potential...I doubt your letter seemingly aimed at newbies is going to appeal to your desired audience. Your approach cheapens your product.

Well you said to criticize so i am going to. As it was previously mentioned this software could work better than any other , the thing i dint like is when i go to your link it immediately gives you a bunch of text.I think you should rearrange your website and the way you are presenting this. You gave a lot of effort into creating this product, you should do some more into presenting it. At the end of the day looks sells. Hope this helps. Wish you all the best.