Rip It To Shredds (Moved Post from Main...)

by 24 replies
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Hi All,
I originally posted this in the main forum, and it was kindly suggested that it belongs over here, so I moved it.
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I recently created a product, inspired by the "Desperate Buyers Only" approach to product creation. I would really appreciate it if you can pick it apart and tell me straight what works and what is not working about it. You can find it at: stopdebtcollectors**dot**org

A couple of notes right off the bat:

1) It's ugly, yes, I know. It lacks a proper header and images in general are quite sparse. Working on that...it's got a Belcher Button to it's credit though...

2) It's long - the sales letter I mean. The product is quite short (let's call it "concise") and the main bonus being offered is an ebook that is larger than the main report.

3)It lacks testimonials. Namely, because...I don't have any yet!! In fact, if you have ideas for best ways to generate them, please let me know.

4) Right now, it's being sold through e-junkie and I have not messed with the affiliate option there just yet. I would like to launch it at either paydotcom or clickbank, but frankly, do not want to pay the $49 at CB until I know it is converting, and I am wondering if paydotcom might actually be a better way to go (large well known network and it's free to be a vender, if I am not mistaken...)

In fact, if anyone is in the CC or related niche and wants to promote, feel free to PM (NOT soliciting and I don't know if there is a rule around here regarding making a comment like that - I just mention it in case there is any interest...)

Thanks very much in advance for your feedback on this!
#copywriting #rip
  • [DELETED]
    • [1] reply
    • Great..!
      I didn't post a link before purely because I thought direct linking from the forums was "discouraged" and thought of as an overt attempt for backlinks - but hey, I'm all for it if that is no issue.

      Looking forward to hearing your feedback, and have a great nap!
  • It´s a good start.

    As Mark said, needs a LOT of polishing though.

    I like the angle, but you need to use shorter, sharper sentences and make it more emotionally powerful. Show how you were soiling your underwear because you were scared these ¨animals¨ would go after you or your wife... make them look like REAL *******s.

    Plus, you have this story of how things were bad... but never mention HOW you found the answer. To me, that´s a pretty major disconnect. I´d say you need to work on that.

    Your bullet points need to be more specific and, again, powerful. And you need more of them. If it´s 15 pages of no-fluff info you should be able to pull out some killer bullets.

    There are other problems, but essentially the letter just needs going over and polishing, for the most part.

    -Dan
  • What is the page like a million pixels wide?

    Bring it down to 600 and you should see a nice bump in conversion.

    The font is a little hard to read too (Tahoma?), I'd think about pumping it up a few notches size wise.

    Colm
    • [1] reply
    • Points well taken Colm and Dan, agreed and thanx.

      I am hoping Mark makes it back and gives me his detailed comments.

      Cheers,
      Doug

      **EDIT**
      Colm - I think it's closer to like 1,001,247 pixels wide. But your totally right - 600 is waaayy better..!!
  • BTW - I took the advice of Colm, and reduced the page width to about 610px. I think it does help, but a lot of text and headings need some tweaking to present better in the new width...Just wondering if you all concur or?

    Mark, I noticed the sales letter page in your sig is actually closer to 800 - what's your take on page width?
  • I've written a sales letter that was 20 pages (and although the product was only just launched, it's converting like crazy).

    I don't think ten pages is long at all.

    I think you need to make your paragraphs shorter though... as in use more one-sentence paragraphs. It makes it look easier to read.

    My previous points still stand.

    -Dan
    • [1] reply
    • Dan,
      Thanks for coming back to this.

      I will work on the one-sentence paragraphs and white space idea. I have seen that a lot and I know what you mean, is easier to read, and obviously there is a reason pro copywriters (like yourself I am guessing) do so much of that...!

      As for your other points: Bullets, I will keep working on.

      On the "major disconnect", when you first read it, I had some info about what I did to get my answers, but because of your comment previously, I have expanded that part, to remedy the disconnect, with the following heading and substantial section:

      Heading: "...I Poured Through Countless "Free" Articles, Lawyer Pitch Pages, And Questionable Paid Resources Online - and Found Nothing of Real Value...

      Copy:
      I started looking around online for information and resources to help us deal with this constant onslaught of debt collector harassment. I found everything from poorly written free articles that offer encouragement but no concrete system for stopping debt collectors, to a ton of sites by lawyers making big claims, but with big fees to match.

      I found some paid resources that claim to help deal with debt collectors, yet they focused much more on debt consolidation and debt management - in other words, debt repayment programs.

      ...(I talk about an example from my experience with debt repayment here...)

      ...One of these paid resources was an ebook apparently written by an author overseas, that had "researched and compiled" their information for the U.S. market. I don't know about you, but I would feel a lot more comfortable with a report written by someone in the U.S., for people in the U.S., who have experienced the problem and how to solve it - first hand - not just a report "researched and compiled" for the U.S. market.

      (No offence to writers outside of the U.S., it's just that when finances and federal law are concerned, first hand experience really counts - at least for me anyway.)

      After months of investigation, reading, researching, and personal experience - I finally had my answers. Between reading everything I could find online, and a few hardcover books about getting out of debt, I discovered some very important information that places power back into the hands of every day Americans - power that protects us from predatory lending and abusive debt collection practices.

      The ironic thing about this is - most "normal", every day Americans don't even know that they have any power at all to fight back against these abusive, corrupt debt collectors - and actually win. That's because the credit card companies, their high-priced lawyers, and the debt collection agencies, do everything they can to prevent you from knowing the truth!

      But knowledge is power. I have spent days, weeks, months enduring insult after injury, in order to uncover the knowledge that places power right back in our hands - in your hands...."
      ______________________

      I am thinking that is enough explanation to convey that I had a problem, did not find a decent solution amongst my competitors, so went out and did my homework, ultimately allowing me to create the ultimate solution...
  • Page width is something that has been tested... The longer the lines before a break, the harder to read. So making your page thinner increases readability, which in turn typically increases conversion.

    It's not a personal opinion thing, it's a profit thing.

    Ultimately you always need to test. But I would imagine 99 times out of 100 a 600px letter will outpull an 800px letter by a decent margin when all is said and done.

    Colm
  • Douglas,

    I know what you're getting at... believe me, I do.

    And it's definitely a LOT easier to sell people on giving their email address to you than it is making them pay for something.

    I assume you're using a squeeze page model at the moment... you're then sending your visitors to your sales page, right?

    Squeeze pages can be profitable... and they can not. You've gotta test it to be sure... but there are definitely other ways to capture email addresses, such as a "popin" ad. Whether that will be more or less effective in your niche needs testing, though.

    You also wrote this:

    Here's the thing... people will always have that attitude, with rare exceptions (and even then, the attitude is still there, it's just dormant). What you need to do is hook them with a powerful headline that sucks them into your sales copy.

    That's what a copywriter does

    Now, you probably can't afford a good copywriter... I get that. In fact, that situation is WHY I started writing copy for myself in the first place!

    So my advice to you is put this on the back-burner... and instead do some affiliate CPA/offers... possibly in a completely different niche (but doesn't have to be).

    One thing you could do is promote ebooks that teach you how to budget, save money, avoid bankruptcy... books that are related to your main product but not the same. Build that list... use one of your free bonuses as bait... and then when you have made some cash... and hired a good copywriter... you've got a list you can unleash onto your sales page... and make some good initial capital to re-invest.

    Because as we both know copy isn't your strong point... so don't waste your time trying to sell stuff. Work on generating traffic (and use other people's copy as an affiliate).

    In the meantime, if you want to work on your copy chops, great... but I can tell you from experience it's a long, painful road to travel (though definitely rewarding).

    Kind regards,

    -Dan

    P.S. squeeze pages need to be short, sharp, and simple. Look at other good converters in your niche and see if you can borrow some of the concepts they're using.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
    • [1] reply
    • Hey Dan,
      Wanted to get back and reply to this.

      You point out lots of great stuff here. Was already thinking along the lines
      of promoting related credit/debt/budget type offers, and in fact my thank
      you page (redirect from opt-in) does that already.

      Since this is a wordpress site, I am thinking about using the blog functionality
      to aggregate relevant articles, as well as reviews of related CB products, etc. These won't have big obvious links on the home page, as not to detract from the conversion rate on the squeeze etc.

      I certainly would like to leverage outsourcing in many respects, I know that's the smart way to go, and would free up a lot of time. So far though, on all of my IM stuff, including a fair amount of article marketing, I have done the writing myself (except the occasional PLR article.)

      "Not" writing my own sales letters may take a little getting used to, especially because again, I've always "assumed" I write well (but of course, sales copy is way more than just "writing".)

      I guess my point is, learning to sell with words applies with Articles, BioBoxes, Adwords, etc. so I consider it an essential IM skill that I DO want to get very good at. That said, I'm sure hiring good copywriters is still just smart as a business strategy, both for learning purposes and simply getting things done effectively.

      One thing I would like to mention, and not to be argumentative towards any of they copywriting experts here at WF, just an observation: After being told to break up paragraphhs and re-write them in a more conversational style, I did that. I tried, though not always successfully, to make my paragraphs no longer than 2 sentences, with some short choppy ones sprinkled in (per direction from you guys and Jeff Johnson's stuff as well...)

      Then, I actully took a look at the sig links on a few of those that mentioned this to me. Some of the sales copy that I saw, frankly, didn't look much more or less conversational than my own...Not a big deal, but I was kind of confused by that.

      And, I know my copy also needs help in other ways, especially with headlines etc., so the points are well taken all in all.

      Anyway, thanks very much for sharing your expertise with me on this thread. I look forward to having the budget to hire you some day!
  • Dou9las-

    The big issue is that you're using a long
    form salesletter here to capture email
    addresses.

    Sure, it's your business, up to you how
    you run it... but there's a reason that
    most effective squeeze pages are tiny
    in comparison to this.

    Bottom line, you'll probably see an INSANE
    increase in your conversions if you turn
    this page into a regular squeeze page.

    That's just how it is.

    I was going to go ahead and critique the
    copy, as it definitely needs work, but to
    be honest, it's mostly redundant.

    Just check out a few squeeze page
    critiques some of the more experienced
    writers in here have done... that should
    let you know what you need to do.

    Good luck with it.

    -David Raybould
    • [1] reply
    • Hi David,
      Thanks for your comments.

      I am familiar with what you are talking about. Since I had been charging for the report and had the sales letter for that, and then decided to switch gears to a free offer, I ended up with a "hybrid".

      To be honest, although maybe not common, I had seen a recent example from Ewen Chia (in his Secret Affiliate Weapon 2) of a combination squeeze/sales letter and I actually modeled it after that.

      Also, my intention was to pull some SEO value out of it by leaving the content on the page. After signup, the visitor is redirected to a thank you page with offers on it, but no real content with my core keywords on it. So, without that content on the homepage, I don't see where else to put it.

      I realize this may not provide the best conversions, and I will be experimenting with the short squeeze approach too. I think you are right that conversions will go way up if I do that. It has been converting higher now as a free offer, but not as high as I thought.
      • [1] reply
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