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Need suggestions for a copy rewrite...

by DavidO
11 replies
I've been using various versions of this sales page for more than a year:

Lower blood pressure naturally

This is the one that converts best. It's profitable but I'm far from satisfied with it. I'm convinced that the potential is much, much better.

I deal with a complicated topic with a lot of support material. Getting a long presentation right while not losing the visitor is proving a challenge.

I already have some ideas about the revision... the most important one being to move my story to the forefront and getting more out of it. I've followed recent discussions about the importance of storytelling and I'm sure I can do it a lot better than I've been doing.

Beyond that I'd be really grateful for your suggestions. How's my headline, for example?

I'm especially interested in things that may be losing me visitors. I get a lot of good feedback on the site so I think there may be some things preventing people from taking action, rather than just a case of bad copy.

By the way, I know it needs an opt-in box. It's being reworked and will be back shortly.

Looking forward to your comments!
#copy #rewrite #suggestions
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    I think your header is only fair and could definately use some work.

    I have a friend with hypertension. His biggest issue is that the meds he takes prevent him from getting an erection. This is a common complaint for middle aged hypertensive males. I didn't read the entire page but I didn't see anything about this.

    I believe your method would be of interest to guys like my friend. Perhaps you could address this well before the fold. Testimonials would also go a long way with this benefit if you could get them. Good Luck!
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    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
      How's my headline, for example?
      The headline could use a better hook. The "no drug, naturally" hook is not unique.

      You could take the info in the sub-head and make a great news headline out of it. The subhead has authority ("doctors"), specifics ("82%"), news ("surprising new discovery") and a great benefit.

      Alex
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      • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
        I think you can make a significant increase in sales just by testing headlines.

        I personally love "How To" headlines. It's direct, straight to the point, grabs attention and is on the way to a solution for your prospect. I put together this one for you.


        For those who hate taking medication...



        "How To Lower Your
        Blood Pressure Naturally
        In 15 Minutes"
        A Day"

        Here's how you can say
        good bye to medication with
        this new discovery



        Then you could come in with your question opening, I like that by the way and also mention the 92% statistic.

        Hope that helps,

        Bill Jeffels
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  • Profile picture of the author DavidO
    Thanks for both of these suggestions. Travlinguy, I do know about the erection issue and I've addressed it in my articles. But you're absolutely right that I need to add it to my sales page.

    Alex, your headline suggestion is excellent. And it reminds me that I did in fact use the subhead for my headline and it worked well. I'll have to test it again.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kyle Tully
    Originally Posted by DavidO View Post

    I've been using various versions of this sales page for more than a year:

    Lower blood pressure naturally

    This is the one that converts best. It's profitable but I'm far from satisfied with it. I'm convinced that the potential is much, much better.

    I deal with a complicated topic with a lot of support material. Getting a long presentation right while not losing the visitor is proving a challenge.
    You say you've tested different versions of the sales page, what about different headlines, sub heads, offers, guarantee's, fonts etc on the winning page?

    You can usually get a decent bump simply by playing around with these copy blocks.

    e.g. I'd instantly increase the font size and make it black on white -- you're targeted older people who will have trouble reading your current small blue text.

    As for a rewrite, the first thing that sticks out to me is the page is BORING. I know it's a serious topic and the market isn't hyperactive 20 year old IMers... but you've still got to keep your audience captivated.

    Check out this Boardroom ad sitting in front of me:

    "High Blood Pressure and
    High Cholesterol
    CURED by Fidel Castro?"

    "Miracle cure found growing in the fields of Cuba. Lowers cholesterol 50 points in a flash. Blocks blood clots. Lowers blood pressure. Halts plaque build up. Now proven by American Research and available in the United States without a prescription. Drug companies panic."

    Similar market -- totally different feel to the copy. Even I would read the boardroom ad.
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    For me you instantly lose credibility when you come out and say "A Surprising New Discovery" And when I look I find that this "new" discovery is actually from 2003

    * As published in the American Journal of Hypertension, June 2003
    As a consumer it's a turn offand a deal-breaker (for me). Why?

    You're claiming it's new, but its...not.

    Best of luck!
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    • Profile picture of the author DavidO
      Thanks again for some great suggestions. I'm starting work today!
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      • Profile picture of the author DavidO
        I'm happy to report that a change to my headline and subhead in response to your suggestions has resulted in a noticeable increase in conversion. Thanks all!
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    Something else you might want to test...

    Make the download the same price as CD's + download (makes the upsell look a lot more like a no brainer). Sounds crazy, but might just bump up your ROI again.

    Colm
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    • Profile picture of the author digitalboyz
      agree with travlinguy. Need to redo the header as it sounds really boring...
      * you can check this post for suggestion in creating juicy header.

      http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...tml#post933451

      Another thing, the layout is clean but perhaps too clean, nothing to draw people's eyes and get excited about...
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