Who here can destroy my sales page the most?

by MValmont

Posted: 9 years ago 11 replies

COPY WRITING

Can someone critique my sales page? I'm not a copywriter AT ALL and would like some advice. I can offer free Amazon coaching in exchange or send you the price of a beer by Paypal

Here it is : https://www.warriorforum.com/warrior...oring-job.html

#destroy #page #sales

Raydal 9 years ago

It's best to just include the link for your page you want critique. You really
can't point people to your signature as this is against forum rules.

-Ray Edwards
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- MValmont 9 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Raydal
  
  It's best to just include the link for your page you want critique. You really
  can't point people to your signature as this is against forum rules.
  
  -Ray Edwards
  
  Did not know that. Just changed it, thanks!
  
  Thanks
  
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gjabiz

9 years ago

Originally Posted by MValmont

Can someone critique my sales page? I'm not a copywriter AT ALL and would like some advice. I can offer free Amazon coaching in exchange or send you the price of a beer by Paypal

Here it is : https://www.warriorforum.com/warrior...oring-job.html

You write:

Warning: NO HYPE

ALL HYPE.

gjabiz

PS. It looks like hype, sounds like hype...how about some proof?

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MValmont 9 years ago

Originally Posted by gjabiz

You write:

Warning: NO HYPE

ALL HYPE.

gjabiz

PS. It looks like hype, sounds like hype...how about some proof?

It is so easy to put fake income reports these days that I thought it would do more harm than good to actually put income reports in there, or maybe you are talking about reviews?

I'll take that into consideration thanks!!
- Thanks
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angiecolee

9 years ago

So...theoretically...you're working on less than the U.S. minimum wage? $7 an hour?

Agree with GJA - you directly contradict yourself. There's SO much hype going on for something that's really an impulse buy. A $7 purchase is like throwing a Snickers bar into your basket as you're waiting in line at the grocery store. You know you don't really need it, but it sounds good and is worth trying. And if later you don't really want it, it was a pretty insignificant sum to waste.

Why the hard sell? Where's the evidence? What's in it for you for working for so little money?

No expert I know works for so little.

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Sven300 9 years ago

I agree with the previous post made by Angiecolee. I will add this:

1) English is not my native language (and I make MANY spelling, grammatical or stylistic mistakes myself)... but I noticed several errors in your text. A text written in bad English is not credible when it comes to promoting books or book sales techniques. That was the gist of the comment made by Levyorit after your opening post.

2) Your sales pitch is way too long. I was tired of reading long before the end.

3) You use excessive italics, bold, underlining, color and capital letters. It's counterproductive. In particular, you should never use italics and underline simultaneously.

4) Abandon double-spaced. Make short paragraphs. Organize better your text. The progression of the "speech" should be better structured.

Good luck!
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- MValmont 9 years ago
  
  Ok guys here is what is going on: I used the sales page from my product that will sell for much higher than $7 an hour obviously, to offer this coaching at a really low price ( I just want reviews from people on this forum. I don't want to offer it for free because I feel people will not take action).
  
  I agree this will seem weird to people and will probably assume the quality is not there. Will make it shorter too. Will change it thanks!
  
  Thanks
  
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MValmont

9 years ago

Originally Posted by angiecolee

Well if you actually read it you would have seen that I explain it in the sales page. I'm launching a product and I need reviews from the WF. But thanks for your insights!

Thanks
2 replies

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Cam Connor

9 years ago

Originally Posted by MValmont

Well if you actually read it you would have seen that I explain it in the sales page. I'm launching a product and I need reviews from the WF. But thanks for your insights!

I'm sure if you ask Angie how much her critiques are, and then pay that amount, she'll doubtless read the whole thing for you...

It's probably more than the cost of a "beer".

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angiecolee

9 years ago

Originally Posted by MValmont

Well if you actually read it you would have seen that I explain it in the sales page. I'm launching a product and I need reviews from the WF. But thanks for your insights!

I read it like your prospects read it - skimming.

I stopped reading when it didn't grab me/didn't seem believable.

This is what your reader is doing. They're not giving you the benefit of the doubt, knowing you'll explain it all eventually.

You've got to grab them quickly, keep them interested, and have it all make enough sense convince them it's worth the buy.

Like Cam said, you want me to read every word? That can be arranged.

But there's still value in what I said. Your CUSTOMERS are reading it the same way I did. What are they taking away from it?

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DABK

9 years ago

I don't know you, so you personally or impersonally taking me by the hand is highly irrelevant... In other words, establish credibility first, then offer to take me by the hand.

Job-crushing income... I don't like it... I know what you mean, it's just not working... People don't want to crush their jobs, they want to leave them...

"From: Max Valmont Don't care. Why is this here.
Subject Why is the word subject here?: How YOU can make money with Kindle starting TODAY Not good enough.
Dear Passive Income Lover,"Not good enough.

Who are you after? It should be clear from the get-go and it's not.

I'd write several versions, tailored to specific audiences. Stay-at-home parents who would like to make some money between cooking and cleaning and picking the kids up from schools.

Retired people who need more than what Social Security/Pension provides.

People who are tired of working for someone else.

They all require a different letter.

Anyway... I got bored after the 5 questions, which were not framed like questions...

And realized that you didn't even say who you're targeting or how you're going to present the offer. Which means, all the advice you're going to get can't be specific enough.

Then I scrolled down and noticed the buy now button... So, I figure you're putting it on the webs... Which made me think: this guy (guyette?) has read too many WSO offers... Too many bad ones.

Skimming through your letter: too much about you and not enough about me and how I am going to make money with Kindle... Or how much I'm going to make.

Put yourself in my shoes: I get offers like yours now and again. I get a lot of offers to buy all the time. I get a lot of offers that promise me a better life.

So, I read more parts of your letter:
"
..I've got great news for you.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I discovered a way to make you rich...or that by

investing in my program, you'll make money just by sitting on your couch and watch TV.

Why would anyone insult you by thinking you are stupid?

But I will tell you this: You can cash in your share of all the money that's being made

RIGHT NOW all over the internet. I'm even going to show you exactly how to do it.

In fact, I'll personally help you make passive income online and quit your boring

job."

The above is wordy, promises a lot, backs up none of the promises.

As a matter of fact, I know it will cost me $7 an hour (which means, to me, you ain't no coach worth paying a penny too... real coaches value their time more... In my part of the world, you get $7.75/hour for just being there).

I know you're launching some program that you say you'll sell for $70.

I know you're trying to scare me into buying because if others buy you're going to raise your prices.

But you don't say anything like: If you don't make at least $100 after 3 1-hour coaching sessions, I'll give you your money back and you get to keep all the material I give you too.

So, no good. You're not offering value.

PS Did I mention you have nothing in there but hype?
PPS Did I mention you sound like someone who's read too many poor WSO offers?

Rewrite your letter like you were writing your mother about a great program for making money and you'll have one of your possible audience letters done.

Mostly: you need to know who you're talking to and then talk to that person.

PPPS Angie done you good; you should be sending her a Starbucks gift card certificate, at the very least.

Originally Posted by MValmont

Can someone critique my sales page? I'm not a copywriter AT ALL and would like some advice. I can offer free Amazon coaching in exchange or send you the price of a beer by Paypal

Here it is : https://www.warriorforum.com/warrior...oring-job.html

[ 1 ] Thanks

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Who here can destroy my sales page the most?

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