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Copy for YourMusicMarketer Landing page

by faisalpak
9 replies
The original
Your Music Marketer - Home Page


The copy I wrote from scratch:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B5w...lXRmt5MDQ/view


This is for a music promoter. He aims to increase the audience for his artists through radio, blogs and websites.
#copy #critique #feedback #landing #page #yourmusicmarketer
  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Why exactly are you asking for a review of the same link given in this thread?

    http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...you-think.html
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    • Profile picture of the author faisalpak
      Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

      Why exactly are you asking for a review of the same link given in this thread?

      http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...you-think.html
      Yes I have linked the same thing. I had been looking for some sort of copy template to practice on. Saw that link and with all due respect to the author felt it could be improved upon. I asked him for permission and uploaded the link and the one I have written from scratch as practice.
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  • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
    Originally Posted by faisalpak View Post

    The original
    Your Music Marketer - Home Page


    The copy I wrote from scratch:

    https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B5w...lXRmt5MDQ/view


    This is for a music promoter. He aims to increase the audience for his artists through radio, blogs and websites.
    No offense, but right from the headline, it's clear that it's not written by a Native English speaker.

    I'd recommend hiring a Native English-speaking Copywriter to rewrite the piece for you.

    Best,
    -Cam
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    • Profile picture of the author faisalpak
      Originally Posted by Cam Connor View Post

      No offense, but right from the headline, it's clear that it's not written by a Native English speaker.

      I'd recommend hiring a Native English-speaking Copywriter to rewrite the piece for you.

      Best,
      -Cam
      Are you referring to the original or to the google drive link?
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      • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
        Originally Posted by faisalpak View Post

        Are you referring to the original or to the google drive link?
        So remember...

        Clarity is key.

        If the customer does not understand what you're offering, they're not interested.

        I'm also going to offer up this bit of advice: he's already got his piece up for critique here. You posting up your version of his piece for critique at the same time kinda muddies the waters. It's easier to either offer him your critique or your version, rather than ask us to review both versions, for two important reasons:

        First is positioning. A pro does not offer to rewrite someone free of charge, and then turn around and ask others for a review of that free rewrite. You cheat yourself out of fees and to boot, come across as unsure of your abilities.

        Second is reducing confusion: Now we've got two versions of the same thing to comment on, and there are unanswered questions on the original critique request that could negate pieces of the second. How does the original poster know which advice to take? How do YOU?

        It's an example of adding in extra steps where none are needed.

        Next time, try rewriting some key passages (not the whole thing, man - you should CHARGE for doing that, and not after the fact...only when you have a clear, up-front agreement) and asking for missing info....within the original thread. You'll get people who will help clarify the messaging of the piece overall, rather than trying to steer two different writers toward the same conclusion on the same piece.
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        • Profile picture of the author faisalpak
          Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

          So remember...

          Clarity is key.

          If the customer does not understand what you're offering, they're not interested.

          I'm also going to offer up this bit of advice: he's already got his piece up for critique here. You posting up your version of his piece for critique at the same time kinda muddies the waters. It's easier to either offer him your critique or your version, rather than ask us to review both versions, for two important reasons:

          First is positioning. A pro does not offer to rewrite someone free of charge, and then turn around and ask others for a review of that free rewrite. You cheat yourself out of fees and to boot, come across as unsure of your abilities.

          Second is reducing confusion: Now we've got two versions of the same thing to comment on, and there are unanswered questions on the original critique request that could negate pieces of the second. How does the original poster know which advice to take? How do YOU?

          It's an example of adding in extra steps where none are needed.

          Next time, try rewriting some key passages (not the whole thing, man - you should CHARGE for doing that, and not after the fact...only when you have a clear, up-front agreement) and asking for missing info....within the original thread. You'll get people who will help clarify the messaging of the piece overall, rather than trying to steer two different writers toward the same conclusion on the same piece.

          Fair enough, this does cause some unnecessary confusion, and for that I apologize. As for charging the author for my writing. This is literally my first piece of real copywriting. I dont really think I should be thinking in terms of monetary compensation at this point. As far as Im concerned this is just practice for me and any helpful critiques on the work itself is a good enough return for me at this point.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Well, you deserve kudos for doing something and putting it out there.

    My point was - if you're rewriting someone else's work for free, you're doing yourself a disservice. My opinion? You'd be better served writing something of your own, from scratch.

    My rationale? In the end, this line of work really boils down to how you think. When I see original work, I can get a better feel for why you chose a certain path, better point out obvious gaps. Those more personalized challenges to your work are eventually what get you to ask these questions in your head as you're doing the work.

    You learn to think around corners, so to speak.

    You've already got the first part down - putting yourself out there. It is indeed tough, and not many do it. Now I'd like to see you put something more YOU out there (even if you make a fake sales letter for toilet paper) so we can help YOU.

    Make sense?
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    • Profile picture of the author faisalpak
      Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

      Well, you deserve kudos for doing something and putting it out there.

      My point was - if you're rewriting someone else's work for free, you're doing yourself a disservice. My opinion? You'd be better served writing something of your own, from scratch.

      My rationale? In the end, this line of work really boils down to how you think. When I see original work, I can get a better feel for why you chose a certain path, better point out obvious gaps. Those more personalized challenges to your work are eventually what get you to ask these questions in your head as you're doing the work.

      You learn to think around corners, so to speak.

      You've already got the first part down - putting yourself out there. It is indeed tough, and not many do it. Now I'd like to see you put something more YOU out there (even if you make a fake sales letter for toilet paper) so we can help YOU.

      Make sense?
      I do get what you mean. You want me to put up work more specific to me instead of just amending something someone else did, working within their parameters as such. Instead you can focus on my work and my own mistakes and things Ive done right. Totally understandable
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  • Profile picture of the author 1Bryan
    You know, I won't even critique the copy. Because in truth, I don't believe much in the offer itself.

    If you are new?

    That's a lesson for ya.
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