Need Critique for my B2B Sales Page

Found the we're that needed fixing, thanks.

You mentioned it needs a lot of work, can you elaborate on that?

I had a copywriter draft this up a few months back and I've been trying to tweak it because I always felt it could be better. Since I'm not a copywriter I'm struggling to figure out what should be fixed.

Jericho,

Every element on a sales page is either positive, negative or neutral--meaning each element either moves the prospect toward the sale, moves them away from the sale or has no impact at all on the sale.

Having said that I think there are some visual problems with the page--the graphics are dark and distract from the overall message of the page. I would go with much less intrusive graphics--maybe even a "piece of paper" style without a header.

Since the goal of this page is simply to generate a lead, it is probably much longer than it needs to be. I would create a compellingly titled report and make this a squeeze page or I would look at an "advertorial" style sales page, telling real stories of real business owners who have lost money because their insurance was paying claims to people who didn't deserve them.

I would lose the links at the top of the page--why send them away from the page or distract them before they have given you their contact information?

The headline colors are a problem. You will probably do better with a deep red for the headline--though this depends on the overall look of the site.

I've got to run, but if you want more input on this PM me and I'll get more detailed.

My two cents.

I don't like it... It just sounds flat.

Also, take the opt in form off of your contact page... If they're already there they probably want to contact you, having the opt in form just confuses them. (It looks like it's also required information... Just let them contact you, what's the point of going for an email at this point in the funnel?)

On the same note, why not just stick the contact form on the main page and get rid of the additional action on the users side? That's a guaranteed way to increase conversions.

I'd go with something like...

Attention Business Owners:


Could your company use an extra $300,000 this year?

That's exactly what happened to Company xyz, after we discovered a critical oversight by their insurance company.

The problem is that most businesses have no idea whether or not they're overpaying... There's no oversight, and all of that "extra" money goes right into the pockets of the insurance companies.

And it's a BIG problem... 75% of our clients overpay! For a limited time, you can find out if you're overpaying... AND if you're eligible for a refund, absolutely FREE...

Here's the deal... If you're one of the lucky few that isn't overpaying into workman's comp, you don't owe us a dime... So at the very least you can sleep easy at night knowing you're not flushing money down the drain.

BUT, if you happen to be one of the 75% of businesses who DO overpay, we'll see to it that you get a refund... Every penny you've paid extra, and ONLY AFTER you get your refund do you have to pay our fee...

We've created this win/win offer because quite frankly, we're sick of small businesses being taken advantage of by the huge insurance corporations... When 75% of businesses are being overcharged, that's a SERIOUS problem.

But don't delay... This opportunity is only available (blah blah)....

</copy>


When I say I think the copy on your page sounds "flat", I'm saying there's no momentum... There's very little incentive to keep the reader engaged long enough to find out what the offer is all about.

To your credit, it sounds like it really is a great offer for businesses, so if they do read the entire thing, they'll probably be interested in contacting you.

You'll notice I do a lot of things "wrong"... I begin sentences with "and" and "but"... I use (dot,dot,dot) a lot...

I use short sentences and single sentence paragraphs. I emphasize A LOT of words by capitalizing them...

That's all designed for momentum... To make it as easy and engaging to read as possible.

I think that's the main problem with the copy, it's not fun to read. You've got most of the bases covered otherwise.

Lose the opt in form on the contact page, that's only going to confuse people.

Good luck,

-Scott

In my opinion Scott gave you some Killer advice.

More then enough to get you going.

-Bill Jeffels

I just had to PM Scott to thank him for such an awesome critique and all the help he gave me.

Thanks Scott

In your header image, I'd change your slogan to "Reversing Workers' Compensation Insurance Mistakes Since 1999", because it immediately implies that you're doing more than just finding the mistake.

Btw, I thought it should be "workers'" with an apostrophe, but whatever.

And change "phone:" to "Call:" - a stronger call-to-action.

With such short copy, I'd make the page more narrow and easier to read so that the eyes are not going side to side as much. You want to drive the reader downward as much as possible to get them to the end and giving you their information.

I.E. Your #wrap is currently 852px and #content is 780px. I'd change it to 800px and 750px, respectively.

I'd remove this whole thing:

It's already setting people up for skepticism. The headline imposed by Scott mentions a lot of big numbers, but it comes off as if it were a fact, not a claim. They're almost the same thing, but we all know facts has more impact than claims.

Here's how I'd want the headline to be with some SLIGHT changes:

After the quote, you should build on the fear about overpaying, provide facts and supporting information, then provide the solution to their problem.

There's just TOO MUCH white space. There isn't enough emphasis where they should be. Nothing really keeps the visitor on the page and read.

If you're able to, change your button to "Click Here To Get A Refund Now", because then they're not signing up for anything, they're requesting a refund, which is much easier to give up their information.

Overall, you really need to get rid of the empty space and emphasize on your content. Your opening paragraphs need to be strong and easy to read. Short sentences with information that really captures their attention. Starting out with "The problem is that most businesses have no idea whether or not they're overpaying" after the testimonial is just not attention grabbing.

Good luck.

Well, I've sent you a response. Enjoy your vacation. You're like the 4th person I know of that's taking a vacation. I think I will soon myself! Where you headed?

And don't be paranoid. I guess some copywriters are so good they don't want to share for free. I'll continue to help where I can. Take it easy.

If you want to keep it up, keep it up.

I wrote it to help you out.

I take offense to that...

I wrote that to illustrate a point... I would have appreciated a heads up if you wanted to use it word for word. As a copywriter, I do take offense to someone using the work I legally own without permission... I did write it for your site though, and I didn't make it clear that I wasn't trying to provide a free rewrite.

Not a big deal.

-Scott

Scott, I'm sorry you take offense to that. It's just that no one knew there was a fine print for what you provided. Just like Darrin (Jericho), I thought we're just providing free advice here. This was the first I heard any of the copywriters here telling another member they need to pay for their "assumed" free advice and re-write.

You're a very talented writer, I see that, but if you intend to charge, you really shouldn't be providing advice here. Just my opinion, that's all. Take care.

I guess that's something for Darrin to answer, but he'll be on vacation. I'm sure he'll be back to clear things up. From what I understand though, Darrin sent me the PM before hearing from Scott that he should be paying for the headline. So it could of been something else not related to the headline.

Such talent! It seem I missed the transformation process of the site, I saw it today and the copy is sooo good! You guys have given superb advice, thumbs up for all who contributed, it really is motivating, the flow is compelling and inviting, especially the first fold, it’s brilliant.

“Could your company use an extra $300,000 this year?” could be bold as it is an alluring phrase.

Once you click on the contact page it gets a little messy, to many fields, a pup-up and more fields, a free report to the right with another opt-in, this all is a bit too much if you ask me, I’d concentrate in one action per page, to show the form in a separate page looks interesting, I would like to know how well that works for you.

Again, it’s a honor to see these minds at work, congratulations to all the copywriters, you are gifted individuals!

Kevin,

I wrote the entire lead, not just the headline... Everything in the post above.

In fact, you "critiqued" some of the copy that I wrote.

My only gripe is that I wrote that to illustrate how he can take his (formerly) flat copy and make it more exciting.

"So if you write it like THIS... It will be easier to read and more engaging for your audience...."

That was the point.

Using the copy word for word without a heads up or anything wasn't the point. It's not a big deal.

Regarding "trying to make him pay for a headline"... I was a little upset that he didn't ask for permission, it's a little more than JUST a headline...

Yeah, it's the entire lead, I don't care though.

Go read through some of my posts before you make a comment like that... I've never charged for advice on this forum.

You're making it sound like I tried to extort the guy or something. I would have appreciated a heads up, that's all.

You and Kevin take what I wrote and run with it...

The main problem here is that you're both missing the point of the entire post... Kevin, I don't even want to hear your comments because you didn't see the original copy.

The POINT was to show you how to take flat copy, and essentially say the same thing in a different and more interesting way.

My tips were free... And I still see that they still have to click through to get to the contact form (an additional user action that is going to hurt conversions) and that there's still an opt in form on the contact page (something that confuses people and will hurt conversions).

You're more than welcome to keep the copy up on your site. That wasn't my intention, but you can use it/adapt it to fit your needs.

Good luck,

-Scott

Thanks Paul.

I know that Jericho wasn't trying to rip anyone off... Looking back I was just surprised to see the copy live on his site and others critiquing my work... I wrote it for him, I should have just kept my mouth shut.

I agree, no harm no foul, let's not turn this into a big deal for no reason. I'm fine with you using the copy, and Kevin, I don't take offense to any of your comments, I don't think you understood my side of the story.

Peace,

-Scott

I think it's good overall. The only thing I would change is to not introduce the action button so early on... IMO it would be more convincing and better converting if you presented a longer pitch and then the button. Having the button near the top on your copy sort of cuts the expectations of wanting to know more before making an investment.

I tend to agree with active trader, the button is a bit to quick for people, I also think that you should highlight the most important parts like the
Our service is free unless we recover money.

This should be in bold red or something, make it stand out more, it is a great feature so make it stand out more.

Thanks for all of your tips.

I'm sorry if my intentions here were not clear. I came for some tips on improving my sales page and didn't realize that people would not give advice willingly on the forum without some forethought on their end. I don't intend to steal anything but hope to use advice from experts to better convey a point.

I guess some copywriters are much more fickle than others. For me any advice I give on any forum, which has been a lot, I do so freely to help others. I understand what it costs to run a business and have people expect things for free. That is why I chose this forum where information and ideas are freely expressed among members. Had I wanted another copywriter (a third one no less) I would have said so upfront. But the bottom line is I have had bad ones in the past and wanted help from others to try and do it for myself.

Thanks again everyone for there time and help.

Darrin

Jericho,

You're still missing the point. Use the copy I wrote, I don't care.

The point was to help you realize WHY your letter sounded flat. I'm not "fickle" and I give free advice on this forum everyday.

Free advice and free copy are two different things. I got upset because there was no heads up, and clients pay me a lot of money to write similar amounts of copy.

I wasn't trying to get you to hire me (I'm booked solid) I was offering free advice.

You're welcome.

-Scott