New Product - Critique Needed ... | Warrior Forum - The #1 Digital Marketing Forum & Marketplace

15 years ago

Hi Will,

Like the look of the site. Personally I prefer sites like yours to the typical "ClickBank Header Graphic" style, especially for op seekers. In my testing "plain paper" style pages have almost always beaten the header graphic styles for opp seekers.

The page needs some editing. One of your sub-headlines says "This is Your Luck Day" when I believe you mean "Lucky."

You use "I" about 40 times and "you" about 60. Change more of the "I" statements to "you" statements.

You need a stronger pre-headline and headline.

Make the focus of the page more on how their life will change--tap in to their desire to see a better life for themselves.

Read through just your headlines and see what message they are sending. Change them to convey a complete sales message.

Read through your highlighted text and see what message it is sending. Change the text to convey a complete sales message.

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Will Edwards

15 years ago

Kevin - many thanks. It's amazing how easy it is to miss your own typos. I had actually just changed that Subhead - originally it read 'Danger Ahead - A final Hurdle', but I thought that although it was innovative, prospects did not want to see any danger hence the change.

I'm going to spend this afternoon comtemplating your other suggestions.

Again, many thanks.

Will

Thanks

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devilishsaint

15 years ago

The logo is impressive but isn't it too big i mean if you have to use same logo at your letter page head etc it would be quite difficult.

Thanks

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Kevin Lam

15 years ago

I have to agree with my opposite twin, Kevin, this is definitely one of the better sales copy that come through here. I'll try not to touch on the same thing he has.

1) In your post headline, replacing "Laugh" with "Splurge" would make more sense to me.

2) I find it a little awkward that you're taking about your success so much to begin with. One section after another. I would take the approach of trying to connect to the opp seeker.

3) Your first page or so seems like the product is some sort of inspirational self-help guide. Not sure if that's the intention. After you introduced "Definitive Money Engine", it might be helpful to explain what in the world it is. Instead, you just dove right in and said they can replicate it in the next 5 minutes.

4) I don't know what country you're from, but you're spelling "realize" and "recognize" with an "s". This is more curiosity than it is advice, lol.

5) You should make the contents of your products stand out more. I barely even noticed it.

6) Why is the section starting with "How Soon Will I See Results?" and ending with "financial freedom forever?" font size smaller than everything else? Your P.S. is also quite small. Try expanding on it and give supporting points as to why the prospect should buy from you.

7) You can do better than this:

DON'T MISS THIS OPPORTUNITY
CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOR GOOD!

CLICK THE DOWNLOAD BUTTON ABOVE TO GET
EVERYTHING BY IMMEDIATE DOWNLOAD!

This is your last chance to close the deal or catch lurking eyes that breezed through your entire sales letter. It's another space for a headline. HOW will it change their lives? WHY should they buy it? What benefit are they getting?

8) You can also take the scarcity/urgency approach saying how you're willing to share your fortune only with a limited number of people and you're raising the price soon or you're taking this down altogether.

Good luck.

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Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter 15 years ago

Originally Posted by Kevin Lam

I have to agree with my opposite twin, Kevin, this is definitely one of the better sales copy that come through here.

If we're opposite twins does that mean you're the good looking one?
- Thanks
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Will Edwards

15 years ago

Hey Kevin

Great feedback - many thanks. I love you saying 'you can do better than this' - you're right & I will.

By the way, what Browser are you using? Is it Firefox?

I have tried viewing it in IE, Chrome & Firefox and it looked fine. I have just tried them again and I can see the result you mentioned (small text) in Firefox - many thanks for pointing that out!

With regard to the spelling, us Brits do spell a bit different to the US English, but again , you have a good point there. I am intending to target the USA, so I will change those ise endings!

Thanks again

Will

Thanks

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Kevin Lam

15 years ago

Hey Will,

You're welcome. Again, it's still a lot better than many of the critique requests I've seen and responded to. Some, I don't even want to get into and totally ignore, but this was worth the time.

I looked at the page again, and that section I mentioned being smaller is now bigger. Maybe you were working on the page at the time I was viewing it. I don't know. Either way, your signature and P.S. section is still small.

Well, if you're going to change the "ise" might as well change "Neighbourhood " into "Neighborhood" then, lol.

Have a good one.

Thanks

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Will Edwards

15 years ago

Kevin - Thanks a bunch! I am working on it right now. The problem is I am using Microsoft Expressions Web and it has a habit of chucking in loads of additional, unnecssessary and infuriating crap in the HTML. Result is that it renders fine in some Browsers (including IE as you would expect) but not others.

Again thanks for the spelling suggestion - I am changing them now.

Cheers

Will

Thanks

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Kevin Lam

15 years ago

No problem. You know where the magic button is. It makes me feel good. Go on, push it... PUSH IT!.... yeahhhhh, lol.

Thanks

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Scott Murdaugh

15 years ago

Overall I like it, nice work.

I'd consider having a graphic made to represent the product, e-cover, DVD, whatever, just to give it some perceived value...

I'd work a little harder on the guarantee...

"Look, if this information doesn't open your eyes to what's REALLY possible when it comes to making money online... If you don't agree that this is going to be worth at least 100x the asking price to you within the next 30 days... If this information doesn't change your life in ways that I can't even begin to explain, just shoot me an email anytime in the next 60 days... I'll refund every penny you paid, generally in less than 24 hours..."

I wouldn't use that word for word, but the guarantee is actually a really good area to reinforce the value and build a little bit of trust and credibility.

Now, my biggest gripe is... If I'm a potential customer, I have no idea what this is. You're promising me I'll make money, you're not the first person to promise me that... How is this different? What is it?

You obviously don't want to give the whole concept away, but you DO want to hint at what's inside, and appeal to what your customers REALLY want...

So how do you do that? Bullets!

Here's Exactly What You'll Learn Inside...

-My Proprietary "Money Seed System"... Spend less than one hour doing this, and watch it generate money for years to come.. The best part is that you can do it over and over again...

- How To Find The Hidden "Money Pockets" Online... Where does the money come from? I'll show you how to find these hidden "pockets" of money online... And more importantly, how to exploit them for MAXIMUM profits...

- Do You Need $260... Like Yesterday?... I've been there before. I'm going to reveal my "emergency cash plan" that allows you to generate $100-$300 ANYTIME you need it, in less than 24 hours...

Are these telling the customer anything? Not really. But it is "hinting" at what's inside, and more importantly building up some curiosity.

So get some bullets in there... Those aren't the best examples... I'm flying through this post and I'm suffering from some severe sleep deprivation, so take this advice with a grain of salt...

I'd also put the order form area inside of a johnson box, and a quick overview of what they're getting...

Things like "YES! I Understand That... Blah Blah... And I Know That My Purchase Is Protected By Your Iron-Clad 60 Day No Questions Asked Guarantee..."

Maybe try the Belcher button out, or at least test a few different buttons.

And one last thing... Don't say it's endorsed by "top marketers" unless you can do some name dropping... If you're making a claim like that you need some proof to back it up, or else you hurt your credibility... And believe me, on a site in that niche, customers are looking for ANY reason not to trust you.

Good luck,

-Scott

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LoveTheSun

15 years ago

Hi Will, I think it is pretty good overall but the logo is a bit small and should be at the top of the page and bigger maybe, and maybe the text is bit jumbled and hard to read.

I am comparing to some of the launch pages that have done well in the past. If in doubt have a look at some of those ones and copy them a little

Thanks

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Kevin Lam

15 years ago

No, I'm just Asian and shorter.

Thanks

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activetrader

15 years ago

You keep talking about results but don't say what kind of results... what will I be making if I buy your book? $1/day? $1000/day? Saying "you will see results" does not tell me anything... how much? what kind of results? You are being very vague. Same goes for your headline... I fail to understand what your headline means... what are you taking about? how can I make money with your product? your headline sounds more like winning at a casino than IM... sorry for being harsh but my intention is to help...

Thanks

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J. Barry Mandel

15 years ago

I'm with Scott on this one - It's a good letter, but it's way too short.

There is no information whatsoever about what the product is which will kill your conversions.

In other words WHAT IS IT?

Also there's no social proof to back up your claim.

Best of Luck!

Thanks

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maximus242

15 years ago

What the hell?

Your letter REAKS of unbelivability. Your selling to a prospect who has been sold tons of information products before and not made a dime. They have been sold the same song and story of make money easy and they are SICK AND TIRED of all the BS.

Your letter is extremely unbelivable. Theres no credibility, no proof, no testimonials. I could go on and on.

In other words, people wont buy because... they dont believe you are telling the truth and are very skeptical about you delivering on your promises.

Also bit of readability issues. Oh man this is just making so many over the top claims with NO proof. If this was a DM company the alphabet agencies would be bringing you down so fast they could count the seconds between when you mailed this and when the lawyers got the call.

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Alexa Smith

Banned 15 years ago

[DELETED]

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Will Edwards

15 years ago

Originally Posted by alexa_s

I have to say that I agree with most of the above, I'm afraid.

But this is the specific niche market you're actually trying to attract, judging by your "Make Money Doing Nothing" domain-name - I can hardly believe that nobody above has commented on that!

Well - I would be interested to hear why you think that. There are no false claims here and no false testimonials - both testimonials were from fellow Warriors - others are pending.

So the copy is the truth but it would be helpful to know why you think it is not.

Will

Thanks

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Will Edwards

15 years ago

Thanks to everyone above for all these great comments. All have been taken on-board and the Sales Letter is now MUCH stronger for being put under the microscope right here.

If case you are interested in watching how this goes, we have just put it into the ClickBank Marketplace & it is is now live.

See this thread if you want to JV - you earn 75% ($20) per sale. Hey [you] - this means You!

Details here ...

http://www.warriorforum.com/warrior-...ml#post1106208

Thanks again Warriors

Will

Thanks

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Kevin Lam

15 years ago

No thanks, I have enough projects going on as it is. I have a 21 man (and women) underground-master mind group I need to take care of. We're taking on multiple markets and hopefully break into about 100 niches in the next few months. Maybe after our project is done, we can get together some time.

Thanks

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ksmike

15 years ago

Nice sales letter. How's the conversion?

If you want to bring it up a bit try improving your bullets. In fact you should consider breaking up the copy with some real good "wow" bullets. Tell them about specific ways they will prosper, learn exciting new things, and realistically benefit from your product. Also, more proof would be good too.

All the best,
Mike

Thanks

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Kevin Lam

15 years ago

Hey, I'm not going to judge the guy for that, lol. But yeah, these are valid points to bring across. You have to keep in mind we're only commenting over some of the very basic foundations of his copy.

To be quite honest, we're not trying to give the whole enchilada. At least I don't.

There's so many people providing insights and information that it's best that everyone gives a little advice here and there. That saves us time, but it also gives the critique requester more feedback from various expertise. None of us have the time to give a COMPLETE sales letter feedback and advice for free to so many people.

So kind of a silent team, we all help each other by commenting on different elements of the sales letter.

Thanks

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Scott Murdaugh

15 years ago

A few reasons why it's unbelievable...

- There are no specifics... Do you make $500 a day? A week? A month? That makes a difference. I know it's tough to address this, I know that you probably don't want to throw around income claims, but your customers don't know.

- You're advertising "make money doing nothing"... When you compare it to say, digging ditches, it's somewhat true. I don't know what the product actually is, but I'm guessing it involves setting up websites, doing SEO work, keyword research, maybe Adwords... I don't know for sure, but I DO know that they've got to do SOMETHING... And even a total newbie knows that there is no money to be made doing absolutely nothing.

It'd be like me telling people "I don't do anything for a living, I just write a couple of letters a month."

When the reality is that I've spent more time and money then I can count learning how to do this... I've busted my ass to do a good job for people and build up a reputation, I've got to make sure I meet deadlines and do good work...

And even now, I'm not where I want to be yet. And every time I finish a sales letter it feels like I've just ran a marathon with my head underwater...

And I've still got to worry about "moving up"... Finding bigger clients, keeping my current clients satisfied, staying in touch, working on my own projects, etc.

Point being, writing a "couple of letters a month" is a full time job.

So how can you fix the credibility issue? One of the most powerful things you can use in sales copy is sincerity... It builds trust, and it lets people know "maybe this isn't too good to be true"...

So I'd go with something like...

Look... I realize that I have "Make Money Doing Nothing" in the title of my website. But I need to be honest with you.

Building your automatic money machine WILL take a little bit of work on your end. If you compare it to "work" like ditch digging or burger flipping, it's not really work at all.

It's all simple tasks that you can do from the comfort of your own home... In your spare time.

But the REALLY cool part is that unlike the "work" you're probably used to, you don't get paid by the hour... You do something once and it pays you over and over again... That's leverage... That's the secret to building REAL automated income streams.

You get paid for the work you do... And it pays you over and over again, and after just a week or two of using the system, you'll start to notice that every little thing you do snowballs on itself, eventually resulting in an avalanche of automatic income.

So the first week you may only earn $100 (possibly much more if you're motivated)... But once you've spent a little bit of time with the system, once you've put in just a little bit of effort, you'll hit the $100 a day mark, and before you know it you can be at $500 a day or even much more than that...

There's nothing technical or complicated... I'll show you exactly what you need to do, step-by-step... There will be no detail left out, and I guarantee that if you put just a little bit of effort into the system, that you WILL see results, and that you WILL be able to build an automatic money machine of your very own.

The truth is, if ANYONE ever tells you that you can make money doing NOTHING, run away, and fast... There's no such thing in the world.

But I guarantee you, automated income doesn't get any easier than this... And compared to "work" in the real world the small amount of time you'll have to spend on this system will be like a walk in the park.

I realize I'm not the first person that you've seen advertise an "easy way to make money"... And I don't want to mislead you, this system DOES take some effort... And although it CAN make you wealthy, it's not going to do it overnight.

That's why I'm not asking you to even decide today... Download the course, go through the material, and see the power of an automatic money machine first hand...

Take a full 60 days to put it through its paces... You can work on it for less than 20 minutes a day and see results... If at anytime during that period you don't feel it's right for you... Simply request a refund with a click of your mouse, it'll be granted, no questions asked, generally in less than 24 hours...

Point being, by being a little sincere upfront with people, you can really build a lot of trust and credibility.

Good luck.

-Scott

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Ross Bowring 15 years ago

Will,

I think that top portion, before you get to the Wright brothers story needs some work to deflect skepticism. If your www domain is Make Money Doing Nothing then a big bunch of readers will want it to be true, but they'll also have some serious skepticism.

You need to acknowledge that skepticism upfront. Tell them it's perfectly natural. That you'd be just as cynical if you weren't the guy who'd stumbled on this automatic "cash machine" yourself...

Or something along those lines. Hope that's helpful.
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Will Edwards

15 years ago

Hi Scott & Ross

Many thanks - those comments are very helpful. To create a completely passive income, which is indeed making money doing nothing, does require effort to setup.

Actually, I setup the domain simply to get ranked in the search engines for that term - which has already happened now. I had not intended to convey the impression that there would be no work involved, after all my copy does say they need to work.

That said, you make a valid point that I will address in the copy.

Will

Thanks

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Matt Fulger

15 years ago

Hey Will,

I have to agree with Scott and Alexa. The domain name alone sends RED FLAGS
and ALARM bells whistling through my brain. It tells me to close the browser and
move on to something more believable, even before I start reading the copy.

I understand your reasoning for using the domain name for SEO but most of your
potential customers aren't going to be thinking along those lines. They are thinking
"Make Money Doing Nothing? Yeah, Right! What a SCAM!"

These days, it seems everyone is telling people to run away from any sites claiming
you can make money doing nothing. Yet, that is your domain name. To me, it tells
me to run away from your site before I ever read anything. So I think you should
take Scott's advice and be up front right from the get go. He already gave you a
pretty good example of how to do so.

Anyway, good luck with the site.

Matt

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RentItNow

15 years ago

Will, that stationary gradient background is cool. How do you do that? I know its OT but an important element for squeeze/salespages.

Thanks
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Matt Fulger

15 years ago

Originally Posted by RentItNow

Will, that stationary gradient background is cool. How do you do that? I know its OT but an important element for squeeze/salespages.

Hey John,

The background gradient can be done by linking to an image in the body tag.
Like So:

Code:

<body background="http://www.yourdomain.com/images/gradient.png" bgcolor="#666666">

Or you can do it even better in CSS like so:

Code:

<style type="text/css">
BODY
{
  background: #666666 url(http://www.yourdomain.com/images/gradient.png) repeat-x;
}
</style>

If you use the style, put it between the <head> and </head> tags.

Hope this helps.

Matt

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1 reply

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markpocock

15 years ago

The great Gary Bencivenga said this:

"Never make a claim bigger than your proof."

Simple eh.

But oh so true.

That's one of the reason I guess Gary
is so good.

When you write your sales letters this golden
rule is a good one to bear in mind.

cheers

Mark

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1 reply

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Will Edwards

15 years ago

Originally Posted by markpocock

The great Gary Bencivenga said this:

"Never make a claim bigger than your proof."

Simple eh.

But oh so true.

That's one of the reason I guess Gary
is so good.

When you write your sales letters this golden
rule is a good one to bear in mind.

cheers

Mark

Nice quote Mark - I think you are right here. The claim is true, but perhaps it needs a bit of refinement in terms of specifics.

Will

Thanks

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Matt Fulger

15 years ago

Hey Will,

It seems your MakeMoneyDoingNothing site is the default DotEasy start page now.
If you didn't mean for that, you may want to check into it.

BTW, I like your White Dove Ebooks site. Nice usage of some public domain works.
I actually found that site some time ago through an eBook or was it Software?
Yeah, it was through eWriter Pro actually, which I downloaded from one of the
many membership sites I belong to.

Anyway, I was just dropping in to check the thread and see what, if any changes
you made to the copy and seen that the site was showing that default DotEasy page.

Talk later!

Matt

Thanks

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