Please Critique My Copy

by Banned 15 replies
15
Greetings,

Several months ago I wrote the following Copy for the
Men's Dating Market. However, I made the mistake
of completing it before I knew the Author was
interested. (And so I didn't earn anything monetarily.)

Even so, I enjoyed putting it together and would be
interested in your advice/feedback.

Here's the link.

Without Embarrassment

Thanks,
Jonathan
#copywriting #copy #critique
  • It's got a lot of good parts, but

    You take too long to get to what's in it for me (I know you want to use yourself as proof it works) but first you have to get me interested in reading.

    You have some mistakes/typos.

    I'd look at this as guide: Official Double Your Dating | David DeAngelo's Double Your Dating

    If you look at that page, you'll see that first and foremost it's about all the good things I'll get... and they're good, and he's to the point.

    • [1] reply
    • Banned
      Thanks DABK.

      I've been a fan of Eben Pagan/David DeAngelo from the early DoubleYourDating days.

      He's (in my opinion) one of the most influential Marketers on the Planet. : ) I appreciate the feedback. Maybe I could get to the "point" sooner.

      Cheers,
      Jonathan
      • [1] reply
  • Too many "I's."

    How I Conquered
    I'm living proof
    that's what I thought
    I was repulsive
    I couldn't even
    I was deadly afraid
    I had a need for affection
    I was so hypersensitive

    and more.

    It's not about you, it's about them.
  • Hey Jonathan just a couple things...didn't read the whole thing only because it's not my interest and also I get bored with long sales letters...

    that said...

    I didn't like the headline. I didn't ask the question how he overcame all that so I didn't care. Also, it says nothing about what he overcame it for...i.e., for dating. Just didn't think the headline drew me in, and if I was looking for dating advice I could very well skip over this not knowing it told me what I wanted.

    You also say, "You're about to learn..." People don't really want to learn but they'll get excited about discovering something.

    I think your bullet points could be better. I always like to put the page number and add a real teaser. Example: " 7 mistakes men make when flirting with women … (That guarantees they will be rejected …)" I'd add something like: "#3 will blow your mind". Just made that up quick, but hopefully you get the point. Also after after bullet I'd add something like, "page 24", or whatever. Kinda seems to enforce in the readers mind that it's a real book.

    One other quick thing...I always like it when you can download a free chapter. You at least get the readers information and you can always follow up with them even if they decide not to buy.

    Just some quick thoughts.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
    • [1] reply
    • Here's my free minute. Stop talking about yourself in the headline and first paragraph. Lose the mop... on your head. And, ehhhhh. You seem like a perv, dude. Penthouse cutouts and a strange trucker looking dude doesn't make me think "dating advice." Different strokes though... do your thing.
      • [1] reply
  • Hi, Good copy if a little long. I would add to your headline
    “The Answer To How I Conquered My Crippling Fear
    Of Rejection, Shame, And Embarrassment!” And How You Can Too. I need to know very early on what's in it for me to encourage me to read on.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
  • Banned
    It's pretty good. I would probably buy it if I was still into Pick Up. Pick Up is great...don't let the haters get down on you for going for it.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
    • [1] reply
    • Banned
      Hi Jesse.

      In terms of "positive feedback" that's probably one of the best responses I could have hoped for. : ) Thanks for the advice/support.

      Jonathan
      • [1] reply
  • Banned
    [DELETED]
  • I know the niche very very well... too confusing at the top... and too wordy... i couldn't read it... to show you the other end of the spectrum and something easily readable... look for frank kerns sales letter for one of his free books.... super easy to read....
  • How much were you thinking of charging your client for this copy?
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