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Critique my copy for hotel website?

by davidcane
7 replies
Ok, tried this once but for some reason it got deleted. Let's try again: so I've been hired for my first "major" copy job: writing the website for a new, snazzy apart-hotel in Prague, due to open in the coming months.

The guidelines provided by ownership were so vague and fuzzy I won't even bore you with them. Suffice it to say they provided a cliche list of keywords (in Italian) such as Italian design, refined, comfort, travertine, materials, family, business, leisure, location, etc., and sent me a few floor plans and a few catalogue pics for some of the furniture they selected. No photos of the place are available as it is currently undergoing renovation.

I concluded that their UVP must be the combination of stylish Italian design interiors + spacious and comfortable living quarters + 4-star hotel amenities at an excellent bang-for-your-buck. One big issue is that said "amenities" include an elegant bistro and a trendy lounge bar, which however will not be open until 4-6 months after the "residence" itself... (so we're planning on keeping mostly quiet about those features, but without lying or deceiving)

Finally, keep in mind that the target audiences are expected to be mostly Russians, Germans, French, Italians, eventually some East Asians, and possibly a few Brits, so while English was chosen as a lingua franca, the site will be speaking to a public of non-native english speakers. Therefore, they specifically requested that I don't get too wordy or clever, but just keep it simple and stick to the facts.

Ok, so without further ado, here goes... (the following are just rough drafts the "about" section, the "business travel" section, and the "location and suggested itineraries section")

prague drafts - DC Solutions Consulenza Linguistica a Firenze

Now go to town! DESTROY ME!
#copy #critique #hotel #website
  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    David,

    Copy is Ok for a first draft (check the typo's) and tighten it up - fuse in a lot more emotion and make the gaff utterly irresistible.

    Try and give it - its own unique personality - not just a building with spacious rooms with some italian furniture - make it stand out oozing with comfort and individuality unlike any other hotel.

    The BIG problem is no pics, if they are not available why not use artists impressions.


    Steve


    This is the hotel that fits perfectly to your personality because ____

    Bring your personality and this place adapts perfectly to you because ____
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    • Profile picture of the author gemmom24
      I agree with Steve -- where are the photos?! Obviously, that's not what you're asking about, but that's the first thing I thought of when I opened the page.

      I think your copy is really good, though it needs paring down. It's more suited for a brochure than a website. That said, I like the way you described the hotel. You want readers to imagine themselves there and you did that very well, esp with no pics to show.
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      • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
        Way too little, too late about the location of this hotel.

        Most people need to know right away what neighborhood the hotel is in, what you can walk to and what the accessibility is for in-town transportation.

        Marcia Yudkin
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      • Profile picture of the author davidcane
        Thank you guys, your feedback is much appreciated. The mere fact that everyone isn't jumping on board to tear my work to pieces is encouraging... Nevertheless, what you point out is pretty much exactly what I was expecting: too feature-heavy, cliche and impersonal... I already knew that. Unfortunately, the circumstances put me in the difficult situation of writing about something that doesn't quite exist.

        The site I linked is NOT where the copy will ultimately appear. It is simply a hidden page on my personal (translation and localization services) website, that I pasted my draft onto for the sake of convenience. From what they tell me, the hotel's website will be visually impactful and feature plenty of pretty, full-screen pictures. But as of now, those pictures don't exist, as the buildings are undergoing renovations. I understand the official photo shoot is scheduled for some time in April. But of course, they expect the final draft of the copy to be ready before then! Believe me, I REPEATEDLY asked for some artist's renderings or even just a few paragraphs outlining specific details... nothing!

        So it isn't easy for me to try and paint the word picture, convey the mood, and highlight the benefits of a place that doesn't even exist... I could unleash my imagination and invent, but the last thing you want to do on a website like this is lie or be inaccurate: it could backfire irreparably. Furthermore, I have virtually no contact with the web designers or the SEO/adwords guy. So I stuck to the (few) facts and certainties I had: dimensions, materials, furnishings, accessories, artwork, amenities, etc., and tried to incorporate the keywords THEY specified as unobtrusively as possible.

        So let me try re-focusing my question: How can I imbue personality and individuality into the copy, and make it more engaging for a prospective customer, WITHOUT HAVING ANY IDEA of what the place will actually look and feel like? Because this is the predicament I find myself in...

        About the typos: could you please specify what you're referring to? (Consider that the copy uses British English, as is standard in Europe, so it's colour not color, metres not meters, etc.)

        Thanks y'all!
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        • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
          Originally Posted by davidcane View Post


          So let me try re-focusing my question: How can I imbue personality and individuality into the copy, and make it more engaging for a prospective customer, WITHOUT HAVING ANY IDEA of what the place will actually look and feel like? ..
          You can't.

          In your original post, you said,

          The guidelines provided by ownership were so vague and fuzzy I won't even bore you with them.
          Personally, I wouldn't work with a client who 1) doesn't know what they want or 2) refuses to provide the needed information.

          As you're experiencing, it's like spitting into the wind.

          Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author George Sepich
    Do more storytelling. Take all those amazing tourism spots in Prague and integrate them into the Hotel copy directly. For example:

    The infinite faces of Prague: getting lost and finding your way
    When exploring a town as diverse and enchanting as Prague, the possibilities are literally endless. And indeed, one of the pleasures of experiencing our city – consistently ranked among the world's safest – is getting lost!

    And after an exciting, wonderful, and tiring day of getting lost. Return to your home away from home at....

    You get the idea.
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  • Profile picture of the author Al Braso
    A little bit more in storytelling and You are OK.

    AlBraso
    Escort Torino, Accompagnatrici e Trans a Torino e Provincia
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