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First Time Copywriting Doctor Here....Please Help!

by fcajon
16 replies
I discovered this forum on a google search, and I'm looking forward to improving my copywriting skills. I'm a practicing chiropractor and attempting to teach myself copywriting skills the old fashioned way- through trial and error! I'm going through "The Ultimate Sales Letter" by Dan Kennedy, and I've learned a lot from Greg Nielsen, a chiropractor who is considered one of the best in the business when it comes to chiropractic direct mail.

I've put together a bunch of different sales letters that will be used to reactivate patients who are no longer treating as well as bring in new patients. I've posted the images on my flickr page, and I can't wait to see what everyone thinks.

EDIT- Apparently I don't have enough posts yet to put links in my posts. If anyone is willing to go the extra mile for me, shoot me an email at fcajon at hotmail dot com, and I'll send you a link to the flickr page. Otherwise, I'll repost this when I'm allowed to put links in!

As you can see from the letters, I'm trying to get a lot of mileage out of my baby daughter! The community I practice in has a lot of seniors, and what can I say- they love babies!

Critiques are appreciated, but be gentle with me....I'm a newbie!

Dr. Jon

P.S. #1- I know you're always supposed to include a P.S.

P.S. #2- If it would be easier to post/link the the letters and postcards individually I can do that- just let me know!
#copywriting #doctor #hereplease #time
  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    Here's the link for everyone to see:
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/41782905@N06/

    Welcome to the WF Doc
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    Doc,

    I took a look at your Economic Stimulus Letter and you have the right idea, but:

    1) You have some spelling errors
    2) Your choice of wording is in lots of areas is pretty quirky Ex. "jacked" (who is your target market??)
    3) Your PS's are not in the right format
    4) Your sending mixed messages to your audience - do you want them to call you OR bring the card in to your office?

    If the rest of your marketing is like this you have quite a bit of work ahead of you to get all this ready for use.

    Best of Luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    ?!?!?!?!?! Whats with the babies??? Irrelevant pictures on advertisements is bad juju. Dont do it.
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    • Profile picture of the author CDarklock
      Originally Posted by maximus242 View Post

      ?!?!?!?!?! Whats with the babies???
      It's his "hook" - the baby's supposed to be sending the letters. Those of you who don't have families seriously underestimate how well this works, and you'll never quite "get it" until you have kids of your own.
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      "The Golden Town is the Golden Town no longer. They have sold their pillars for brass and their temples for money, they have made coins out of their golden doors. It is become a dark town full of trouble, there is no ease in its streets, beauty has left it and the old songs are gone." - Lord Dunsany, The Messengers
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      • Profile picture of the author maximus242
        Originally Posted by CDarklock View Post

        It's his "hook" - the baby's supposed to be sending the letters. Those of you who don't have families seriously underestimate how well this works, and you'll never quite "get it" until you have kids of your own.
        A basic way that human psychology works is whatever the picture is of, thats what people assume the advertisement is about. I remember John Caples saying that he was on a train when he saw what he thought to be a brilliant headline with a picture of a speedboat to emphasize it.

        Even though the headline DIRECTLY said what the ad was about (forget what it was, had nothing to do with speed boats) the people on the train commented on the ad "Wow what a great ad for a speed boat" and Caples was a little thrown off but learned something very profitable.

        Whatever picture is in your ad, thats what people think its about.

        If hes going to use the picture of the baby, it should be done smaller and put beside From: or the Dear Friend,

        This will allow the reader to know the baby is writing to them. Then I would put a second picture spread across the page, above the headline that related to the headline which had to do with chiropractors.

        Such as someone having back pain, etc. This would make the letter clearer and give it more force.
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        • Profile picture of the author MikeHumphreys
          Thanks for your kind words Paul, although my training is in P.T., not chiropractic. I am quite familiar with chiropractic and do believe in it's benefits.

          Jonathan, from one dad to another, congrats on the little girl!

          Okay, let me give you a few pointers, primarily on the Ellie reactivation letter, but are also applicable to your other pieces, to enhance the believability.

          1) You're going for a personal feel to the letter, especially with using a photo of your baby. So using 'Dear Friend' is a splash of cold water in the face of the reader.

          For your patients, personalize it. It's easy to do using the Mail Merge in MS Word.

          2) For your close, using 'Thanks!' isn't a good fit for the 'written by the little daughter' angle. I'd suggest something like: "My mom's telling me it's time for my nap so I have to go."

          3) Consider a different font. I'd even consider doing the direct mail piece so it looked like it was written in crayon... again, if it's from a baby... babies are more likely to use crayon than a computer.

          Gotta run... if I get a chance, I'll try to give a few more pointers.

          Best of luck,

          Mike
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          • Profile picture of the author fcajon
            Thanks for the thoughts. Regarding the picture, numerous medical marketing consultants I have read recommend NOT using pictures of people in pain, rather using pictures of happy people enjoying life (I guess this is why you have all those goofy smiling people in the drug commercials on TV).

            Is this a hard rule, or is there value in using a picture of someone in pain to better convey what I'll be doing?

            I know what you mean about making the letter sound more child-like, but I wasn't sure how to strike the best balance between using Ellie as a hook and actually conveying information. Any ideas on how to best do this?

            The Dan Kennedy squirrel letter was mentioned, but I'm unfamiliar with this one. Any places where I could check out example letters written from a kid/animal/etc point of view?
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            • Profile picture of the author maximus242
              Originally Posted by fcajon View Post

              Thanks for the thoughts. Regarding the picture, numerous medical marketing consultants I have read recommend NOT using pictures of people in pain, rather using pictures of happy people enjoying life (I guess this is why you have all those goofy smiling people in the drug commercials on TV).

              Is this a hard rule, or is there value in using a picture of someone in pain to better convey what I'll be doing?

              I know what you mean about making the letter sound more child-like, but I wasn't sure how to strike the best balance between using Ellie as a hook and actually conveying information. Any ideas on how to best do this?

              The Dan Kennedy squirrel letter was mentioned, but I'm unfamiliar with this one. Any places where I could check out example letters written from a kid/animal/etc point of view?
              Well Makepeace talked a lot about how modern day test results are showing that the negative can work better than the positive. A lot of his world beating controls are negative. Such as "The Health Disaster That Didnt Happen" "They're Robbing You Blind!" Or the infamous masterpiece by Gary Bencivenga

              Lies!
              Lies!
              Lies!

              Which was a world beater promotion and didnt paint much of a good picture at the start.

              You got to remember the goal of your headline is simply to sieze the prospects attention and get them to read the next line.

              Overall I would stick with the basics for a letter like this and just try to sell them on a free consultation or something to generate leads. Which picture I used would depend on the headline and the research I did.

              The picture is supposed to add to the power of the headline, not diminish it or be overbearing to it.

              And there are no hard and fast "rules". Just principles, testing observations and recommendations.

              Also there is a book by bill glazer which as you know is Dan Kennedys business partner. Its called outrageous advertising and you can get it online. Its like $20, that should give you all the advertising ideas you ever need.
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            • Profile picture of the author Collette
              Hey Doc! Welcome to the WF!

              M'kay... you're probably not going to like what I'm about to say, but...

              I think you're trying too hard to be cute.

              The 'Ellie angle' is ok for the reactivation letter (because you already have a relationship with these clients) but it seems a bit manipulative and too 'cutesy' for new client acquisition.

              If you're hell-bent on using the 'Ellie angle' for new clients acquisition, I'd suggest tying Ellie in with the benefits of what you do. So:

              - Ellie is my new daughter
              - Like you (Mr/Ms Prospect), my family is the most important thing in my life
              - My family depends on me for support, love, and All Things Family
              - So the NEXT most important thing in my life is My Health
              - Without My Health, I can't be there for my family (and Ellie!) to depend on
              - That's why it's so important to take care of your health - your loved ones are depending on you
              -So, in honor of my new daughter's birth, I'd like to offer you (IRRESISTIBLE OFFER) so you can improve your health and be there for your family
              - To get your IRRESISTIBLE OFFER, just DO THIS

              Re: use of pictures/graphics - Your pictures/graphics should always be relevant to your message.

              So, for example, if your message says, "Come let me be your chiropractor and you'll enjoy a pain-free, healthier life", your pictures should show people enjoying a healthy, pain-free life.

              If your message says, "Allow me introduce you to the newest member of our family and I'd like to share my joy by offering you..." your picture shows Ellie.

              If your message says, "Hi, I'm Ellie, and my Daddy wants to give you a free office visit as a 'thank you' gift", your picture shows Ellie.

              If your message says, "Neglect your back pain and your spine will degenerate maybe beyond repair", your graphics should show the progression of degenerating spinal discs.

              Are you (ahem) getting the picture?


              Originally Posted by fcajon View Post

              Thanks for the thoughts. Regarding the picture, numerous medical marketing consultants I have read recommend NOT using pictures of people in pain, rather using pictures of happy people enjoying life (I guess this is why you have all those goofy smiling people in the drug commercials on TV).

              Is this a hard rule, or is there value in using a picture of someone in pain to better convey what I'll be doing?

              I know what you mean about making the letter sound more child-like, but I wasn't sure how to strike the best balance between using Ellie as a hook and actually conveying information. Any ideas on how to best do this?

              The Dan Kennedy squirrel letter was mentioned, but I'm unfamiliar with this one. Any places where I could check out example letters written from a kid/animal/etc point of view?
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              • Profile picture of the author fcajon
                Collette,

                I don't mind the criticism at all! I wrote the Ellie reactivation letter and then just kind of went nuts spinning off other ideas with the same concept.

                I'm going to be writing letters that are more pain and condition focused, and will be posting them on the forum for critique. The suggestions you've given as to how Ellie can be best worked into the letters is GOLD!
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    It's his "hook" - the baby's supposed to be sending the letters. Those of you who don't have families seriously underestimate how well this works, and you'll never quite "get it" until you have kids of your own.
    Does that not sort of imply these letters will fall flat on the childless segment of the market?

    I think you'll get attention with baby pics, but I'm not sure how well you'll retain it.

    Interesting though, never seen something like this before... Unless it was for selling baby stuff...

    Colm
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  • Profile picture of the author coachcat1969
    Hi

    I have recently joined PPC Classroom and they highly recommend 'Tested Advertising Methods' by John Caples.

    You can order this second hand online - I think I got mine through Amazon. Cost me about $8 plus postage and looks new.

    Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    Regarding the picture, numerous medical marketing consultants I have read recommend NOT using pictures of people in pain, rather using pictures of happy people enjoying life
    Yes. But the point is your prospect can relate to the picture. Almost imagining that's them enjoying life. This is why alternative health magalogs have pictures of happy old folks, because the market is old folks.

    With testing, I'm sure you'll find the same to be true for your marketing pieces.

    Colm
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  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    Try to get your hands on some ads written by Clayton Makepeace or Carline Anglade Cole, both world class copywriters who write for the health markets.
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  • Profile picture of the author dtendrich
    Hey,

    I skimmed over your first sales letter (written in the person of your daughter on spinal decompression), and have a few words:

    1. For a beginner you have a good grasp on the basics!
    2. I get what you're doing with the letter being written from the perspective of your kid, but I think it would be more effective if it were written either: a) from your perspective, or b) from the perspective of a bystander talking about you (such as what Eugene Schwartz often does)
    3. I don't understand the sub-head (the one that's written in parenthesis)

    It's worth revising, so keep at it!
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    Copywriting Tips, internet marketing jargon, thoughts, and rants by me.

    Atlanta Copywriter, serving clients worldwide.

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    David Tendrich
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