Attn. Copywriting Gods..May I have a Sales Letter Critique, please?

Headline is weak. One of the most common problems I see. Headlines are hard... I didn't really appreciate how hard until I started trying to write them. I would never call myself "good" at headlines (there are some real wizards here), but maybe try something shorter and punchier, smaller and easier words:

"Get Thousands For College,
No Matter What Your Income!"

The whole page seems too wordy. Your paragraphs are too long. Harlan Kilstein recently pointed out that John Carlton has been recommending that no paragraph in sales copy be more than two sentences... this seems a little extreme to me, but I certainly understand that you should keep your paragraphs under 40 words, and 20 is even better. Harlan seems to be doing well with two sentences, though, and I've been experimenting with it.

I do like your approach. The whole "stick it to the faculty" idea is a good one. Common enemy is a good strategy, especially here.

Way too much "I" and nowhere near enough "you." This is the single most common problem I see in a sales page, just barely ahead of weak headlines.

Background behind your testimonials is too bright. Red text is too hard to read on it. Drop it back to a more pastel yellow, suck in the margins to make them narrower, expand them into better-separated boxes so you have a long stream of testimonials.

You've only got pictures for two of your bonuses. Either get pictures for the other three, or lose the two you've got.

Why are you sending people to get their bonuses before they buy?! Get those links out of there - you want to squeeze them straight down to your buy button and make them click it! No other exits! You're going to blow all that emotion you worked so hard to build on some freebie before they give you money!

Price drop from $97 to $6.97?! Pull the other one. I don't believe you ever sold or intended to sell this at $97. That's WAY too big a drop. Everything I've read on price-slashes tends to agree that a drop in price to 1/3 of normal is highest-converting. You could drop from $97 to $37, or $27 to $6.97... but this huge a drop sounds really fishy.

That's my first-blush take on it. And don't get me wrong - it's pretty good for a first effort. There's a lot of stuff done right on it, like the intro and the video and the theme and your PS. You're doing a lot better than some.

Sentences in your body copy are too long and makes it hard to read. Put your testimonials up a lot higher in the copy, make them more visible. Spread them out more. Put your strongest one at the very top, then disperse them throughout the copy. Right now they're all crammed, its hard to read and barely noticeable.

You need a readership sell, whats in it for me if I read this sales letter?

The "If...Then..." statement your trying to use in the beginning of your copy is intended to be used as a benefit sale.

If you would like to double your income this year, then this will be the most exciting message you have ever read.

If you would like to see your child go off to college without money worries and sleep soundly at night, then this will be the most important message you have read all year.

Here is why: (This is where you introduce yourself, your credibility and why they should listen to you)

Definatly shorten those sentences. Hard to read. The copy kind of goes all over the place, theres very little structure. You talk about who you are three times.

Its also kind of boring, put in more drama, most people think their writing is too dramatic when its not nearly dramatic enough. Its not enough about the prospect, you talk about yourself wayy too much. As the prospect, I dont care about you, I care about me and how im going to pay for my kids college.

Your copy goes all over the place, its freaking hard to read and not nearly enough about whats in it for me.

Before I comment, can you reply and tell us what your goal is--are you trying to get 5 payments of $97 or $500 or what? Once we have an idea of the goal it's easier to get an idea of whether or not this particular page (and sales process) will get you there.

I think to give you a critique would be blasphemous.

-Ray Edwards