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Please review my sales page

by opiel
5 replies
Guys, would you be kind enough to take a look at my sales page and offer your constructive criticism.

It is the first sales copy I have ever written. Actually, English is my third language... so as you can imagine it is not particularly helpful factor in this case.

I have been making consistent sales with it but I feel that the conversion ratio could be a bit higher. It is not bad right now, especially considering that it is extremely saturated niche, but I am convinced it could be better.

Thank you and I appreciate your time.


I am not allowed to put a url in my posts just yet, so please use this: lonelinesstohappiness(dot)com


Who will cast the first stone?
#page #review #sales
  • Profile picture of the author MarkAndrews IMCopywriting
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    • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
      O.K., there is so much going on when someone gets to your site right off the bat.

      It's like you have so many different headlines fighting for each other. Actually I see a headline and subhead in there you just have to get it out.

      First, lose the lonelinesstohappiness.com from the headline area. Your potential customer is at your site already... they don't need to be reminded they are there.

      You need to really address what keeps your prospect awake at night. The people your targeting have alot of pain going on. Present their pain to them... agitate it... then hit them with the solution (your product).

      Take care,

      Bill Jeffels
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      • Profile picture of the author kkchoon
        Originally Posted by Bill Jeffels View Post

        O.K., there is so much going on when someone gets to your site right off the bat.

        It's like you have so many different headlines fighting for each other. Actually I see a headline and subhead in there you just have to get it out.

        First, lose the lonelinesstohappiness.com from the headline area. Your potential customer is at your site already... they don't need to be reminded they are there.

        You need to really address what keeps your prospect awake at night. The people your targeting have alot of pain going on. Present their pain to them... agitate it... then hit them with the solution (your product).

        Take care,

        Bill Jeffels
        Bill is right! I would recommend your writing to be more concentrate on the "desperate benefit" rather than "86% of success rate", which somehow suggesting me I have 14% going to fail...

        Focus on the customer, try to change all "I" into you whenever possible. Show some of the benefits, skills and techniques in the list, make it "useful but incomplete"! You want to establish your ebook trust and confidence, but at the same time don't give everything out.

        I like the testimonials, and you've done a great job in getting them. Use the best "benefit" of the testimonial, and put them as the Title for your testimonial, that will enhance the statement and drive your reader more desire to buy!

        Another problem in your sales letter, you are trying too hard to sell, you are telling them how good your product is, how your product can help them in period of time (But you didn't show them some proven methods)...

        What you should be doing is show them some proven techniques, let them come to conclusion that your method will work! People trust themselves more than you! Let them conclude how good your product is, but not you telling them.

        You had a blue section that telling them some great advice, why not put them in list and highlight it more? Just like Bill mention, you need to make your sales letter focus, people scan reading, and you should try to ONLY HIGHLIGHT IMPORTANT THING!

        See this Magic Of Making Up | How To Get Your Ex Back | Relationship Advice | Break Up Advice

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  • Profile picture of the author Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter
    Quick thoughts from a quick scan:

    Good job on the "plain paper" style page. Probably will close higher than a graphic one.

    Get rid of the image header. Some image headers work well, yours distracts from the message.

    86% is an impressive success rate. Unfortunately it isn't working as a headline. I would probably try to use a personal story or testimonial headline.

    The pictures on your testimonials look too much like models. That means people won't believe the testimonials even if they are genuine.
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    • Profile picture of the author opiel
      Guys, thank you for taking time to review may page. I will start implementing the changes you suggested tonight.

      I guess the most frustrating aspect of this whole thing is a need to convince a reader that it really is the best product in this category.

      And it is... no question about it... the author is a former, very successful therapist and the customers absolutely love her program. They especially love to listen to her audio files... we get tons of inquires about purchasing them on CDs.

      But there are legions of all these amateur guys with their home made remedies to cure a "bleeding" heart... and they clearly say, on their sales pages, the things people want to hear.

      Once again... THANK YOU.
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      • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
        Originally Posted by opiel View Post

        But there are legions of all these amateur guys with their home made remedies to cure a "bleeding" heart... and they clearly say, on their sales pages, the things people want to hear.
        Maybe you should try doing the same just in the "voice" of your therapist.
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