Please critique my squeeze page?

22 replies
Hi guys, i know you dont usually critique squeeze pages, but i am kinda new to doing this and i will appreciate your help.

No More Premature Ejaculation - Premature Ejaculation Cure

Thanks
#critique #page #squeeze
  • First, I would TEST these recommendations. One of the nice things about squeeze pages is they take very little traffic to test!

    I would go with a deeper color of red in the headline. We have found using #CC0000 gets a better response.

    I would place your opt in in the right hand column with your text in the left.

    Place graphic arrows above and below the opt-in box.

    Try getting rid of the bullet points and providing a simple single powerful benefit in your headline with a brief testimonial or other powerful statement in your left-hand column.

    If you can use a testimonial it's best if you can use a picture of the person as well.

    Move your links to below the "sheet of paper" you are using as your presentation area and make them muted. We use #CCCCCC.

    Get rid of the statement "it's a mental and social problem as well." This sounds remarkably close to your prospect's greatest fear--he needs to believe it's not his fault or at least not think you are going to accuse or blame him.

    A good example of a squeeze page that converts well for us are these (over 70%):

    Internet Cash Windfalls: How to create a cash windfall on the internet in as little as 30 days (76.1%)

    Internet Cash Windfalls: How to create a cash windfall on the internet in as little as 30 days (72.4%)
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  • Profile picture of the author geoffcruz
    wow thanks Kevin i will definitely try it out!
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  • Profile picture of the author geoffcruz
    Joshua

    What do you mean what is that? Thanks for the tips
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  • Profile picture of the author Gwuido65
    I'm by no means an expert copywriter, so this is just my opinion but I think you should look behind the reasons why people might want to cure premature ejaculation....

    'Learn how to stay longer in bed' 'satisfy your lover' is OK but a little weak...

    Why do most people REALLY want to cure premature ejaculation?

    So they can bang the s*&" out of their partner/girlfriend/mistress all night long!

    Seriously which male doesn't like the idea of being a total stallion in the bedroom? Furthermore how many males would like to be so good in the bedroom that women will literally be banging on their door begging them for sex? Quite a few I imagine (!)

    I'd personally go for much stronger headline...along the lines of "revolutionary new cure, will have you perform so powerfully that sane women be literally banging on your door begging you for sex".

    Now of course that's needs a lot of work on it but you get the picture.

    Just my opinion of course

    Thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author Mona
    I'd try a headline along these lines:

    "Stop Being Humiliated In The Bedroom Because You Can't Keep It Up Long Enough To Satisfy Your Lover...Now You Can Learn The Secrets That Are Helping Thousands Of Men Kick Their Premature Ejaculation To The Curb So They Can Go All Night..."

    Go to the emotional point of how painful this is for these men. This is a seriously big deal to them. If you can acknowledge this and touch on what they're experiencing, they'll really hear what you're saying and want to know what you can offer them.
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      • Profile picture of the author HenryH
        Originally Posted by MarkAndrews IMCopywriting View Post

        No offence but the advice contained above isn't exactly brilliant to say the least.

        The suggested headline is WAYYYYYYYYYY too long for starters.

        Mona - Mind if I suggest that you go read this...

        The Truth About Mega-Headlines | The Total Package
        Thanks for the article to the link, Mark. But now I'm confused -- in it, Michel says that the objective of a headline is to entice the visitor to continue reading the copy. Specifically, he seems to suggest that a copywriter should NOT write a benefit-oriented headline that alludes to how the product being advertised (and its features) can improve the visitor's business, life, health, etc.

        But almost EVERY headline on every sales page I've ever read seems to espouse some sort of summarization of the benefits of the marketer's product. Are we now not supposed to refer to the product, its benefits, or even that by visiting this page, they (the prospect) will be able to somehow help themselves?

        In other words, should the headline be written purely to stimulate the prospect's urge to keep reading without referring whatsoever to the fact that *something* is being sold?
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    • Profile picture of the author SamKane
      Mona... Your correct this page should really target the emotions.
      Something like:

      Not Long Enough?
      An Old Man's Secret
      To Sexually Satisfy
      Any Woman...
      Harder, Longer and
      Deeper Orgasms
      Guaranteed

      Add customer testimonial here:
      "I used to be called a minute man... Now women are
      telling their girlfriends I'm the best lover they've ever
      had"





      Originally Posted by Mona View Post

      I'd try a headline along these lines:

      "Stop Being Humiliated In The Bedroom Because You Can't Keep It Up Long Enough To Satisfy Your Lover...Now You Can Learn The Secrets That Are Helping Thousands Of Men Kick Their Premature Ejaculation To The Curb So They Can Go All Night..."

      Go to the emotional point of how painful this is for these men. This is a seriously big deal to them. If you can acknowledge this and touch on what they're experiencing, they'll really hear what you're saying and want to know what you can offer them.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mona
    Point taken for sure. Thank you.

    I wasn't trying to advocate long headlines so much as I was trying to emphasize the need to speak to emotional pain. The second part of my long headline in my example could be a sub-headline or anything like that. I just think the emotional stuff is what's missing from the original headline in the squeeze page.

    Thank you for the link about the headlines. I'll read it for sure.
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  • Profile picture of the author HenryH
    Thanks for the link. I just can't help but notice that so many copywriters in general (myself included) often write headlines that focus on a benefit of whatever product they're advertising (e.g., "How The Simple Three-Minute Tweak You're About To Master In The Next Half-Hour Shocked My Profits Out Of A 7-Month Freeze-Frame And Skyrocketed My Monthly Income By 34%, 54%, and 61% For Each Month Since Appyling It -- But YOU Can Explode Your Site's Earnings Even Higher!").

    Of course, that headline is garbage and way too long, but you get the headline "style" I'm talking about. Now I'm just starting to have second thoughts about how headlines "should" be written...or more specifically, whether the typical benefits-focused headline should be largely avoided...
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  • Profile picture of the author geoffcruz
    wow thanks guys for all the suggestions

    @Ross

    thanks for the headline tips ill test that for sure

    @Teamfire

    What kind of videos can i put there? like someone looking fraustrated?

    @MOna

    Thanks for the suggestions, i get what you mean with your headlines, i should really go for the pain thing

    @MarkAndrews

    Thanks man for the link, ill read it for sure
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  • Profile picture of the author geoffcruz
    Thanks SamKane! looks like the trend is to really make it really appeal to the emotion of the guy reading it. Cool

    Update - just checking my autoresponder, just got my first two subscribers! I know its not a lot but its my first lol!
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  • Profile picture of the author MichelFortin
    Some ideas...

    "Did She Leave You As Fast As You Came?"
    "Premature Ejaculation: The Bad, The Ugly, And The Humiliated..."
    "How to Stretch Your 2-Minute Lovemaking Sessions Into Hours of Passion."
    "Size Doesn't Matter to Her, But Time Does. How Do You Measure Up?"
    "Stop Premature Ejaculation -- Easily, Quickly, and Permanently."
    "11 Ejaculation-Control Secrets of The World's Most Passionate Lovers" (just guessing here)
    "Is Your Love Life Suffering From Premature Ejaculation?"

    Just a few thought off the top of my head...
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    Michel Fortin
    We Solve Inbox Overwhelm
    CEO, Workaholics4Hire.com, Inc.
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    • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
      Get the Power Words... Humiliate and Embarrass in there.

      I would think that P.E. would be one of the most humiliating and embarrassing situations of someones life.

      As the great John Carlton... and... Michel Fortin have talked about the power of the word "Humiliate"

      Carlton... "A power word is any word that carries it's own emotional wallop...Humiliate, no one reads that word with out having a visceral reaction to it... Everyone has suffered humiliation".

      Focus on how humiliating the situation is.

      Take care,

      Bill Jeffels
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
    Bill's got this right. Do what he says.
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  • Profile picture of the author geoffcruz
    Wow thanks Michel Fortin, those are the words only a superb copywriter can come up with. I will definitely use them.3

    @Bill thanks also
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  • Profile picture of the author jasondinner
    WOW, i dont have anything to add other than what most people
    have already provided is all you need to do to have a winner.

    Your page definitely needs some work.

    BUT, if you're going to test (and you should), test your original
    page against all the variations you make based on everyone's
    recommendations.

    Oh, and make sure you come back here and share your results
    so others can learn from your changes.

    Good Luck
    Jason
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    "Human thoughts have the tendency to transform themselves into their physical equivalent." Earl Nightingale

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  • Profile picture of the author geoffcruz
    Wow Jason Dinner! Cant believe you commented here, i am part of your list. Thank you for your comments, i will test it and post the results here.
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  • Profile picture of the author geoffcruz
    @Brian

    lol yeah im a fan
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