Looking for People to RIP my Sales Page apart!

by willyboy104 13 replies
Hello everyone, firstly I want to say thank you to everyone who has given me feedback up to now and to those who shall do so in this thread.

I am looking for feedback for two sales pages I have:

Number one:
The Migraine Relief | Migraine Relief Alternative and Migraine Headache Treatment

Number Two:
The Migraine Relief | 100% Natural Migraine Treatment and Headache Remedy

Which you like best and any feedback you can give me to improve conversions or if you think I just need to start again then heck tell me

Thank you everyone.
#copywriting #page #people #rip #sales
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Layout:

    Your mast-head is giant and serves little selling purpose. The
    space, IMO, is better used in other ways... namely for your
    headline. It appears you've been seduced by a graphic artist -
    in a any case, test it with and without the mast-head at
    least.

    Too wide for internet. I counted 17 words on a random line of text.
    A paperback usually has about 10. Direct mail salesletters usually
    have about 10.

    The graphics are actually pretty nice. Your format is just too wide
    for most readers to enjoy optimal comprehension.

    Who else wants to read another headline knocked-off from Caples?

    Actually the problem isn't the "who else", it's the verbose question
    loaded up with qualifiers. By the time my eye reaches the end of
    the headline I've forgotten the front of the sentence and I'm
    confused about why the question-mark is there.

    Seriously: read your headline aloud. It's way to much of
    a mouthful. You've got the pronoun wrong... I don't expect
    YOU to listen to me when I call you "they", so why should
    you expect a reader to respond to being referred to in the
    3rd person ("their")?

    That's just the beginning of the troubles with this headline -
    it's really just way too convoluted for easy, breezy reading.

    Nice presentation, but you need an editor to slash-out the
    fluff and wrangle those bloated sentences into easy-reading
    prose.

    And finally (though I've left out a lot, because, well, you
    aren't a client, are you?) your save-a-sale offer is chicken****.

    If you are gonna drop the price to downsell you need to
    remove something of real perceived value from the offer.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mona
    There are lots of things out there saying that they can stop migraines. You need a more personalized angle. What's going to make your product (starting with the headline) stand out above all the other migraine relief noise out there?

    Consider targeting a niche a little more clearly. (You can always make more focused niche pages for other groups too.)

    Example:

    Moms - Are Your Migraines Keeping You From Being Able To Raise Your Kids The Way You Wanted To? Now You Can Learn How To Reduce The Time You Spend In Your Room With The Lights Out By 72%.

    See where I'm going with this?

    You need to find out WHY they want their migraines to go away. How are there migraines impacting their lives?

    - Are they missing work and are worried about being fired?

    - Is their spouse thinking of leaving them because they don't have sex with them or the house is a mess and their social life sucks because of the migraines?

    - Did they try a new drug and it made them even sicker?

    You need to find the common pain point that most of your prospects can relate to. And then drill down to the emotional part that gives them the impetus to get online and look for migraine solutions.

    If they're online looking for migraine solutions it's because SOMETHING has happened that has tipped the scales. They've been putting up with their migraines for a while most likely...but now...something has shifted that made them get online and look for help.

    You need to find out what that thing was that happened. Was it a conversation they had? Something their kids said to them? Something their boss said to them about how much work they're missing?

    Yes, people want natural solutions for their migraines and I totally get that that's the product you're offering.

    But they want a solution in the first place for a bigger reason. The natural stuff is secondary. They have a strong emotional reason for wanting to get rid of them - even besides the fact they are so physically painful.

    And on page #2, you were trying to go there it seems, but I don't think it's just about "look and feel great every day." That's just a surface issue. See if you can go deeper and look for the raw pain that when they're by themselves, in the middle of a big migraine, they're cursing to themselves under their breath. Then speak to that pain and they'll really be listening to you.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
    Your first paragraph after the salutation is mammoth. Break it up. Give the reader an easy "on" into your letter.
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  • Profile picture of the author IdeasNotWords
    Chiming in re: the first letter... As Loren said above, the headline is O.K. but could better serve its purpose. Shorten it up. Be less drawn-out with your description.

    "Who Else Wants To Stop The Pain? Finally Melt Your Migraines Medication-Free!", or something along those lines would work for me. If you're really against a rewrite, you can just modify the way you've worded the header.

    "...Without The Use Of Medications In A Very Simple And Effective Way?"

    can be transformed into...

    "Medication-Free, Simply And Effectively?" or even "Simply, Effectively, and Naturally?"

    Either of the above would be MUCH more appealing to the average web reader. Just think--your potential customers have migraines. Who wants to read incredibly long headlines with a throbbing head? Kind of joking about that, but in all seriousness, shorter is always better, especially when you can say exactly what you want to in fewer words.

    As far as the rest of the letter goes, I think you'd be well served chopping all your paragraphs into 2-3 pieces. As it stands I find them far too lengthy and dense. The average web reader is going to either get bored reading your 1st paragraph, or get intimidated by the lengthy look of the page as a whole.
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  • The headline is weak. Why is someone a prospect for this product? Simple: THEY WANT TO STOP THE PAIN NOW!

    The want the pain to stop. That's all you need to tell them THIS WILL STOP YOUR PAIN. Use the "free, perfect, now" formula--your prospects want your solution to be free, they want your solution to be perfect and they want it now.

    So create a sales message in a nutshell that provides free, perfect now:

    "COMPLETELY ELIMINATE YOUR MIGRAINE PAIN FOREVER IN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES AND NEVER SPEND ANOTHER DIME ON EXPENSIVE, DANGEROUS TREATMENTS"

    Can you support that headline? Beats me. But if you can you've got a winner.

    Then make your page readable. You have too much. Too much what? Too much everything. Every element on your page is either positive, negative or neutral. Get rid of everything that isn't producing the sale.

    Too many graphics, too much distraction, not enough emphasis on YOUR PAIN ENDS NOW.

    I don't need a freakin' bonus, I need my pain to go away now. You tell me you can make it happen? Great. All I need to hear from you is that what you offer is safe and real. I have to believe you are telling me the truth about GETTING RID OF MY FREAKIN' PAIN.

    I don't believe freakin' Elizabeth. You know why? She looks like a stock photo of some middle aged representative chick. She's probably never had a migraine in her life. What the freak is a "Migraineur"? I don't even think that's a freakin' word.

    GET RID OF MY FREAKIN' PAIN? Can you do that? Just tell me. How much?

    Maybe I believe Ryan's pic is real, but not "Maggie Lynn." She's a freakin' fake model if I ever saw one.

    OK, wait, I gotta read a book? Have you ever tried to read a book when you have a splitting freakin' HEADACHE?

    Look, just give me the benefits and how quickly I can get them. For instance, tell me that I can instantly remove 82% of my pain simply by taking a spice I've already got sitting in my cabinet and rubbing it into my temples (find out what it is on page 27.) That's something that's going to make me download your book.

    Give me freakin' SPECIFICS. Here's what you say: "A full chapter on how to deal with the problem, things to avoid and things to check for" That's weak. It's like you are avoiding details. I WANT SOME DETAILS DAMMIT MY HEAD HURTS!

    GET SPECIFIC AND YOU'LL SELL THIS THING.
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  • Profile picture of the author CopyMonster
    Kevin said it best - specifics. When I read your sales letter, I felt like it could almost be used for almost any other solution (ie. generic) and that's NOT what you want.

    You've done a reasonable job of going over the benefits, but you need some meat to hang it all on. Lots of claims, not a lot of proof or support. Basically, tell me why I should choose your product over another. Don't just say it's different, walk me through the solution. Make me believe there's something behind your claims. You started into it with your three pillars but then you stopped. I'm not saying reveal the details of how, but enough of the "what" so I MUST know the "how".

    This line "get rid of your migraines in 10 minutes (or less) without using medications, pills or spending a fortune on expensive treatments and specialists" buried amongst the rest of your copy sounds better than your current headline. Might want to play with the second half a little eg. pills might be redundant, I mean aren't they medication?

    Final tip and this is worth at least a thousand or three - bump up the value perception, don't sell a "guide" when you can sell a "system" or a "formula" ie. NOT the Migraine Relief Guide but the Migraine Relief System. Which would you expect to pay more for?

    Overall the design/layout looks professional. Not sure if the testimonials side by side work for me - seem to make you stop for a second to adjust the flow. This can lose sales. You want people to transition smoothly.

    Hope that helps.
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    Scary good...
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  • Profile picture of the author dtendrich
    Headline for number one:

    This is a great time to paint a picture and let people draw conclusions from it since migraines are such a sensual condition... For example... from the famous Jay Abraham headline...

    "Last Friday I was scared... My head was throbbing so hard I couldn't even get out of bed."
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    Copywriting Tips, internet marketing jargon, thoughts, and rants by me.

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    David Tendrich
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  • Profile picture of the author willyboy104
    Thank you everyone that has replied, sorry I have not replied yet I have been taking this feedback and I am currently creating a new sales page, well actually more than one sales page because I have different ideas which don't fit well together.

    I shall reply soon with an updated version, thanks everyone.
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  • Profile picture of the author Collette
    Originally Posted by willyboy104 View Post

    ...I am looking for feedback for two sales pages I have:

    ...Which you like best and any feedback you can give me to improve conversions ...
    Don't ask us.

    Ask your prospects - people with migraines.

    Ditto for feedback. What questions do they have before they purchase a migrane relief product? Why do they buy one? When do they buy one? How are they dissastisified with the products they've already bought (which is why they're still looking)?

    Get the answers that matter to migraine sufferers, and your sales letter will practically write itself.
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  • Profile picture of the author prashie91
    ok, i didnt read the second sales page yet. will do that later when i have a bit more time on my hands. anyway, i skimmed through your first sales page. it looks ok. in terms of design it looks quite.

    BUT when i reached the part where you tell people what they will get in the ebook (Now let's see a small preview of what you'll learn inside) i was pretty disappointed.

    you've merely listed out the features of your product. what you have to realise is people don't care about the features. they care about how these features are going to benefit them!

    for instance, with this line here,

    When to seek professional help and advice

    this is just a feature. to turn it into a benefit, simply add these 2 words at the end of the line: so that.

    and then complete the sentence. that's the case for just about every bullet point in that section.

    hope this helps you in someway..

    cheers

    prashant
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    • Profile picture of the author willyboy104
      Originally Posted by prashie91 View Post

      ok, i didnt read the second sales page yet. will do that later when i have a bit more time on my hands. anyway, i skimmed through your first sales page. it looks ok. in terms of design it looks quite.

      BUT when i reached the part where you tell people what they will get in the ebook (Now let's see a small preview of what you'll learn inside) i was pretty disappointed.

      you've merely listed out the features of your product. what you have to realise is people don't care about the features. they care about how these features are going to benefit them!

      for instance, with this line here,

      When to seek professional help and advice

      this is just a feature. to turn it into a benefit, simply add these 2 words at the end of the line: so that.

      and then complete the sentence. that's the case for just about every bullet point in that section.

      hope this helps you in someway..

      cheers

      prashant
      Thanks I have just changed these now, well actually I was doing it last night but on a notepad.

      Please take another look and see what you think. I think they still need a bit of work but I think they are better than the previous ones.

      Thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author l23bc
    throught it was a CPA offe page when i looked but like some said your copy sales txt is not standard and the mast is too big for imo offer,

    sorry just being truthfull
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  • Profile picture of the author zankee
    There are lots of things you can do to make it more inviting, what about audio and video which is very easy to do using free tools, testing will tell you that opt in boxes above the fold and on the right will get better opt in rates. List the benefits immediately on the first opt in page. People want to know instantly what they will get if they spend anymore time on the page. remember you have about 4 seconds to grab them
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