Care to critique this web page of mine?

6 replies
I am developing landing pages for several clients in the healthcare niche.

Click here >> Home - Northern NJ Vein Treatment


I am doing the copywriting and web design and SEO on all jobs.


I'm new to copywriting which is why I joined this group...


If anyone would like to rip this web page to shreds... please have at it. Thanks in advance.


P.S. Female perspectives are particularly helpful since vein treatment patients are mostly women.


P.P.S. These doctors are extremely conservative clients and hate hypey writing... ie. offering guarantees and other common techniques.
#care #critique #mine #page #web
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    You are out of sync with buyers.

    I say buyers because they find your
    client via Google search and you know what
    the buyer keywords are...right?

    Now back to why this doesn't match their stage
    of the buying process.

    They have already decided they want treatment for
    their veins. Talking about why they should get vein treatment
    has just wasted their valuable time.

    What would be valued to a buyer of vein treatment is
    knowing the alternative treatment types, which treatment is best for
    a vein condition and to identify what condition group the reader
    falls into.

    Here's the payback from doing this...

    1 The doctor has a qualified list to follow up with
    which can be via different channels, email, remarketing,
    ph. calls, webinars.

    2 The doctor and the person at the front desk
    are only talking to those that are pre-qualified.
    This is a biggie...one of the biggest complaints from professionals
    is the leads, enquiries and appointments are crap when generated online.

    3 The doctor wants to be seen as an authority.
    You will be setting him up as the authority. When you help a buyer make
    the right buying decision by walking her through the options,
    instead of her stumbling around trying to go searching and getting confused
    of all the options available she sees your client as the authority.

    Here's 2 options to pull this off.

    a: Offer a self assessment guide/tool to see if treatment is right
    and what option is best for her condition.

    b: Offer it as a pdf download or use the Ask method from Ryan Levesque
    on the website.

    I've seen this done for Lasik surgeons very effectively.

    The heading was...

    Is Lasik Surgery Right For You?

    That was put in place because not all people who want Lasik surgery aren't right for the procedure.
    This automatically filtered out the unqualified.

    Just as your client would want, sorting out the unqualified.

    Best,
    Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author Saluki Guy
      Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

      You are out of sync with buyers.

      I say buyers because they find your
      client via Google search and you know what
      the buyer keywords are...right?

      Now back to why this doesn't match their stage
      of the buying process.

      They have already decided they want treatment for
      their veins. Talking about why they should get vein treatment
      has just wasted their valuable time.

      What would be valued to a buyer of vein treatment is
      knowing the alternative treatment types, which treatment is best for
      a vein condition and to identify what condition group the reader
      falls into.

      Here's the payback from doing this...

      1 The doctor has a qualified list to follow up with
      which can be via different channels, email, remarketing,
      ph. calls, webinars.

      2 The doctor and the person at the front desk
      are only talking to those that are pre-qualified.
      This is a biggie...one of the biggest complaints from professionals
      is the leads, enquiries and appointments are crap when generated online.

      3 The doctor wants to be seen as an authority.
      You will be setting him up as the authority. When you help a buyer make
      the right buying decision by walking her through the options,
      instead of her stumbling around trying to go searching and getting confused
      of all the options available she sees your client as the authority.

      Here's 2 options to pull this off.

      a: Offer a self assessment guide/tool to see if treatment is right
      and what option is best for her condition.

      b: Offer it as a pdf download or use the Ask method from Ryan Levesque
      on the website.

      I've seen this done for Lasik surgeons very effectively.

      The heading was...

      Is Lasik Surgery Right For You?

      That was put in place because not all people who want Lasik surgery aren't right for the procedure.
      This automatically filtered out the unqualified.

      Just as your client would want, sorting out the unqualified.

      Best,
      Ewen
      Nice of you to take the time Ewen. Using this approach would require a total re-do of the page but it looks interesting.

      I found this page and maybe it represents what your talking about.

      Am I a Candidate for LASIK? - All About Vision
      Signature
      There is a tide in the affairs of men which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune; Omitted — all the voyage of their life Is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat, And we must take the current when it serves, Or lose our ventures. - Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare
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  • Profile picture of the author Jennifer Hutson
    Ewen is 100% right on this.

    If your customer is searching for vein treatment, they're already in the buying phase and don't need convincing. What you need to tell them is why Dr. Campbell is better than anyone else in town for the job.

    Has the client specifically requested a sales letter for this?

    If not, I'd strongly advise against writing a sales letter for this type of service and instead create a traditional landing page with benefit-rich copy that highlights the clinic's USPs and presents a clear call to action (like calling to schedule a visit or filling out a form for more information).

    A sales letter isn't right for this type of service and audience.

    That said, aside from your angle being misaligned and some beginner mistakes, you did a pretty good job for someone who's just getting into copywriting.

    There were definitely quite a few rough areas, but I think as you learn more and grow, you could wind up doing quite well with it.

    Just a tip for future projects, though. I noticed this line:

    "Are you ready to do whatever it takes to finally rid yourself of those ugly, painful varicose or spider veins..?"

    People are lazy. Your offer should always sound like a no-brainer to them–not something that requires tons of effort and will only work if they make it work.

    Asking them if they're ready to "do whatever it takes" makes it seem like they have to work for the solution, rather than it being a sure thing.

    Next time, try something like "Finally, get rid of unsightly varicose and spider veins in one easy treatment."

    They should be begging to give you their money by the end–not wondering if they should because they have doubts about what they'll need to bring to the table.

    Just remember: People don't want to "do" – they want to "get."
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by Jennifer Hutson View Post


      What you need to tell them is why Dr. Campbell is better than anyone else in town for the job.
      Jennifer, I'd advise against that.

      I've seen the alternative, which I'll go over, works better by many multiples.

      From Lasik eye surgery, carpet cleaning, realtors, to industrial water filters.

      The buyer of vein treatment first wants to know about her veins.
      She believes her situation is unique and
      wonders what treatment is right for her.

      That's where the message needs to meet her.

      In carpet cleaning every carpet cleaner says why their service is better in one area.
      It could be remove the toughest stains. Dries fastest. Picks up more dirt. Doesn't leave residue that attracts dirt. The eco-friendliest...yada, yada.

      The alternative to all that noise is to alert her that dust mites have invaded her home.
      Then go in with ways she can remove them. Non self serving, therefore trusted more.

      Realtors. To get listings, rather than proclaim why they are the best, those that make a current home valuation grab more leads and get more listings through a non-self serving approach first. The first stage in the home selling process people go through is wondering what their home is worth...so that's where to meet them. Industry stats show the first realtor a seller talks to first gets the listings in the big majority of time.

      Industrial water pumps: When buyers go searching for them to buy,
      they aren't thinking which company is the best.
      They want to know if they stock a certain type with certain features and the price.

      Given that, the website put the catalogue ready to download covering most of the home page.
      Buyers had to hand over contact details to get it.

      This increased solid leads by 5x.

      Once again, by matching where the buyer is at in the buying process
      with the right info keeps the buyer in the buying process with you, rather than
      going elsewhere.

      Telling a buyer how good you are is not wanted by a buyer,
      at least not in the earlier stages of the buying process.

      Best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author Jennifer Hutson
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Realtors. To get listings, rather than proclaim why they are the best, those that make a current home valuation grab more leads and get more listings through a non-self serving approach first. The first stage in the home selling process people go through is wondering what their home is worth...so that's where to meet them. Industry stats show the first realtor a seller talks to first gets the listings in the big majority of time.

        Industrial water pumps: When buyers go searching for them to buy,
        they aren't thinking which company is the best.
        They want to know if they stock a certain type with certain features and the price.
        I think you misinterpreted what I meant by "best."

        When it comes to doctors, people want to know that they are in good hands. It's their health, after all. When I say best, I am using that term in the broadest sense.

        They could be the best because their treatment is the least invasive of other vein treatments or the facility is equipped with the newest, safest equipment–resulting in lower-risk procedures.

        I'm just using some loose examples, here. But we are in agreement on that aspect.

        Obviously that would not work in the real estate or industrial water pump sectors because those are entirely different audiences that require different angles.

        I still think a good above-the-fold landing page with a specific call to action would be better than a sales letter, for this particular service.

        Some bullet point examples:

        - Safer and less invasive than 'xyz' treatment
        - Removes up to 99% of varicose and spider veins
        - No scarring or physical impairments of any kind
        - Same-day recovery time
        - etc.


        Originally Posted by Saluki Guy View Post

        Good point Jennifer. I eliminated "do whatever it takes" in that sentence. I can't say fix your problems in "one visit" though.
        Sure, that was just an example to give you ideas of ways you can spice up your benefits
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    • Profile picture of the author Saluki Guy
      Good point Jennifer. I eliminated "do whatever it takes" in that sentence. I can't say fix your problems in "one visit" though.
      Signature
      There is a tide in the affairs of men which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune; Omitted — all the voyage of their life Is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat, And we must take the current when it serves, Or lose our ventures. - Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare
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