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My first sales letter

by ErnieB
12 replies
Ive pieced together a sales letter but Im at a loss on how to improve it. It needs help with formatting as well. Any advice you could lend would be much appreciated. ( The video hasnt been actually done yet and may not stay ) http://ctcbible.com/salesdraft
#letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    Ernie,

    I think we would like to help - but the link isn't connecting to your sales letter.

    (it may be that the elastic band from my typewriter to the interweb telephone pole has snapped but do check if the link is working)


    Steve
    Signature
    http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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    • Profile picture of the author ErnieB
      Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter View Post

      Ernie,

      I think we would like to help - but the link isn't connecting to your sales letter.

      (it may be that the elastic band from my typewriter to the interweb telephone pole has snapped but do check if the link is working)


      Steve
      Sorry about that, it's fixed now. Thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author DABK
    I skimmed. It's looooooong and not to the point.

    Attention People Who Want the Benefits of Cable or Satellite Connection Without the Cost of Either

    I saved $1,200 last year on Cable fees but still got to see all the shows I wanted.

    You can do it too. Here's how...

    Here's why you should believe me when I tell you I saved $1,200

    Here's again how you can save a bunch of money too.

    Somewhere in there, you throw in something along the lines of: What would you do if you had $1,200 extra each year (preferably close to the beginning).

    Originally Posted by ErnieB View Post

    Ive pieced together a sales letter but Im at a loss on how to improve it. It needs help with formatting as well. Any advice you could lend would be much appreciated. ( The video hasnt been actually done yet and may not stay ) salesdraft — Cut The Cord Bible
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    It does need to be a lot more succinct.

    And...

    Are cable TV watchers likely to go through 5 modules and 26 videos?

    Wouldn't they rather have a quick and easy way of watching the channels they want.

    Also I hate to be a spoilsport but is your "system" legal?

    If not perhaps you should reconsider the whole thing.

    Because you don't get much repeat business, referrals or testimonials if all your customers are in the clink.

    And it's best not to be in the same jail. They won't be thrilled to see you. I suppose you could try and pacify them by saying the cable TV is now free...

    However, if it is all totally legit - then you want to shout it from the rooftops.

    Or at least highlight it.


    Steve
    Signature
    http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Ernie, I've just gone into the headline first.

    Your Market Headline.
    No claims or direct benefit so that it evokes curiosity
    and continue readership.


    WARNING: Don't Read This If You Have Moral Or Ethical
    Issues Not Paying For Cable And Still Watching It



    Your Question Headline For Handling A Big Objection.
    You gradually build your case for what at first is hard to believe.


    Watching Cable And Not Paying For It?
    "It's Either Genius Or Have Me Thrown Into Jail!"



    Best,
    Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author TomAndrews
      Change "Dear Cable and Satellite Tv Subscribers," to "Dear Cable and Satellite Tv Subscriber,"

      (In other words just remove the "s" at the end of subscriber.)

      In a sales letter, you need to write as though you're speaking to just ONE single person. Not a whole "crowd".

      Tom
      Signature

      Let's connect on Facebook because it's always good to meet fellow marketers. Send me a friend request: https://www.facebook.com/tom.andrews.7927

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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    Ernie,

    Your headline is better than the two suggested in the post right before mine. It just needs to be pithy.

    You wrote:

    Let me show you the exact system that you can use to get rid of your cable or satellite bill and still watch all of your favorite tv shows and movies!

    Pithy:

    How to get rid of your cable or satellite bill and still watch all of your favorite tv shows and movies!

    If the method is legal, add "... and it's perfectly legal!"

    Also, capitalize each word in the headline and put quotes around it.

    Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author DavidGWelch
    I agree, the headline is good but if you make it shorter it will caught people attentions quickly.
    I would also add some images, they can help you to make the letter a bit more friendly.
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  • Profile picture of the author SexWriterXXX
    not to get my head bitten off since I am a newbie here, BUT the missing letters do not make for a professional look......
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  • Profile picture of the author DKCopywriter
    What's with the logo video on top? I was expecting a VSL but it was just a 7 second video of the OptimizePress logo and URL.
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  • Profile picture of the author DKCopywriter
    Change the headline "Let me show you the exact system that you can use to get rid of your cable or satellite bill and still watch all of your favorite tv shows and movies!" to something like:

    "Tired Of Wasting Money On Shows You Will Never Watch? So Was I Until I Learned The Easy Way to Cut My TV Bill While Still Enjoying My Favorite Shows and Movies!"
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  • Profile picture of the author Evan D
    GET FREE CABLE

    Discover how to save thousands of dollars by cutting your cable cord.

    Dear friend,

    Do you want to watch TV for free... without ever paying the big cable companies another penny ever again?

    If so, here's what this is about:

    .....

    and that's it... get to the point right away.

    use "Get Free Cable" or "Cut Your Cable Cord" as your headlines... and I guarantee it will outpull any of the others posted above... test them all, and if the ones I suggest aren't the clear winners I'll quit copywriting.
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