Critique my offer, please?

I think that the offer is alright. You need to make it clearer, down towards the order button it gets clearer but I had a hard time understanding the bonuses at first. I would add something like Bonus #1: Then bla bla bla heres what your getting.

Also for your closing you say I had customers who thought I was skeptical, I had my doubts -- dont just say it, put some testimonials in the copy that say

"I was skeptical that this would work for me, but I decided to give it a try anyways because I could always get my money back. And I have to say, it was the best decision I ever made! I feel better, my blood pressure has dropped dramatically and your product works like a charm. Thank you so much!

-Mary from bla bla land"

You get the idea. I think there needs to be more clarity for your order page, I dont think you planned out the closing enough, it seems like you have a bunch of good copy elements but I dont feel the clear logical build up and the emotional need to buy right now. The very end gets stronger but the start of the offer and bonuses is weak.

Its not so much the thing itself as the way your doing it needs to have more force and clarity and more MOMENTUM. It needs to climax like a storyline right on the order button so they BUY NOW.

Overall copy is better than what I normally see on the forum, off to a good start, keep on ramping it up. More emotional momentum is the key to making your offer more powerful. The offer itself is pretty good, I think you need to make the total value price bigger and show the slashed price more dramatically. Its like your trying to bore me into buying right now. Show me some excitement, some controversy, some passion.

I think the thing is your copy needs more excitement, clarity and momentum.

Where are those images ? Where are those images ? Where are those images ?

It needs a good header with QUALITY images. Moreover, you should also test with the product "buy button" and product images above the fold. This is so that people with CC's already in their hands are not left to read the whole article before having to put in their CC numbers.

Yes, two offers, the complete package and a trial offer would probably be best. I don't think your current approach of identical hard vs. digital copies is a good idea. You want to give them the choice of "buy or try" now, not buy version A or B - that's just confusing.

If you gave them a free or really inexpensive online sample, would the results they see from using it persuade them to come back and order the CDs? (How long would it take for them to see results?) Good e-mail follow-up will of course be important.

WAY too much technical jargon (and words, period) in your copy. Do you want the sales page itself to lower their blood pressre enough to induce sleep?

Thanks for all your comments and suggestions. I've got several good ideas now to incorporate in the copy rewrite I'm doing.

This copy has the important elements but the letter is too
loose and so it's easy to get distracted. The letter tends to educate
the reader in a way that I don't think is really necessary. A lot of
the letter could be used as a separate report and will help
with the flow of your letter.

I would therefore summarize your offer above the fold (subheader)
so you 'tell them what you're about to tell them'. I would also
place some strong testimonials higher on the page. You want
readers to get to these testimonials early to build credibility
for your product. (Does it really work? is a big questions in
your prospects minds.)

Well, I'll stay there since you said that you have a copywriter
working on a new letter. No need to beat a 'dead' horse.

-Ray Edwards

Couple more comments. I say b*ll**** to the "dont give them a 6 month guarantee", every direct marketing test thats ever been done says that longer guarantees LOWER refund rates and increase conversions.

The reason is because when they have a long time to use a guarantee they just get lazy and forget about it. Who returns a book they bought three years ago?

If the guarantee is for 10 days, they mark on their calendars guarantee ends today and watch how many damn refunds come in on the last day.

To the guy who said too much technical jargon, I disagree. If the technical jargon is put in sidebars and made dramatic enough and interesting then they are very powerful proof elements.

Ive been studying over Clayton Makepeaces hottest controls for the health market for the past week and hes got LOADS of technical mumbo jumbo -- he just does it in such a way that its simple, easy to read and powerfully persuasive.

I think that it can be extremely boring when done wrong, but I dont think the solution is to eliminate it all together. Instead put it in sidebars, simplify as best you can and dramatize it. Its very persuasive proof when done right.

As for a multiple product offer structure, be wary. Theres been test which have worked both ways. Joe Sugarmann is a strong advocate of the one option only. However I do see upgrade versions working for a lot of people. So the best solution is to test both.

Typically what you want to do is have a three option structure where the most expensive option has the most bonuses. This is what all the top guns such as Carlton and Clayton do, at least from studying their offers for multiple versions of the product. Usually what you do is have a premium version of the product or package in another product or two for a discount as a premium and then throw in your bonuses.

So it would look like:

Basic Package: Course + Bonus
De-Stress Package: Course + Premium + Bonus + Bonus & Steep Discount
Ultimate Health Package: Course + Course + Premium + Bonus + Bonus + Bonus & Even better discount

So like get de-stressing cds (course) and my instant relaxation music (course) plus the deluxe add on - thats 4 extra cds that I have taken out of the vault just for you (premium) plus the ebook how to lower your blood pressure in 30 days plus bla bla bbla bla bla im tired of writing an offer for you.

Overall a confused prospect never buys and your sales page is lacking that clarity. Its not that weak in terms of selling power but in terms of forceful clarity and exciting drama. Though selling power can use improvement too.

(I dont know if this is selling, im assuming if your re-writing it isnt. If your having trouble with conversions my best guess is its probably because of your theme and marketing not as much nitty gritty copy but overall strategy)