Copy virgin is back again!

6 replies
Hi, i've had another go at the squeeze and sales pages so I really hope they're better now. I'd be grateful for any feedback. I don't have enough posts to put in the link but both pages can be found on: /danserfamilyaccount/wub
#back #copy #virgin
  • Profile picture of the author ghyphena
    Hi... I wanna say "Terry" (would be nice if you'd signed),

    1. Headline feels a bit wordy. I would cut down on the elaborate grammar as much as possible e.g. "If I promised" rather than "If I were to promise"... and maybe I'd add an ellipsis before the "would you like to know more?" to break it up a little visually

    2. "Exercise yourself fit" feels a bit redundant - everyone knows that exercise leads to fitness

    3. "Short term fix" is, unfortunately, what people want - I understand what it is that you're saying but I would move the emphasis away from the fact that your program isn't a short-term fix

    4. There's a lot going on above the fold... maybe TOO much... headline, part of photo, you've got the "get instant access" button above the opt-in box (not sure what the download button is supposed to do, btw, so maybe you've got good reasons for putting it there); you've got the yellow opt-in box that is slightly too large for the frame it's in (I'm on Chrome)... it's cluttered. I would try to focus on a single action you want them to take - at the moment it looks confusing and the colours are clashing.

    5. "...and I'll send you my...etc" doesn't clearly lead on from anywhere and so I'm not really sure why I should opt-in.

    6. The subhead leading to bullets is by your photo, but the bullets are left-justified. Move the subhead down.

    7. You're hiding your testimonials. They're at the bottom and near impossible to read. Make 'em big and clear and pepper them throughout the page.

    8. I've touched on this above, but you're not giving them a strong (and clear) reason to opt-in. Another problem: I've reached the bottom of the page - and there's nothing for me to do now! Put an opt-in box down there even if you keep your original above the fold. Ask for an action - in this case, an opt-in.

    I hope this helps for now - if I find the time later I will also go over the sales page.


    Gil-Ad Schwartz

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    • Profile picture of the author LETERRY911
      Sorry I'm Lorraine my emails have auto sign so i've got out of the habit! Thanks for the feedback i'll get started on a rewrite.
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      • Profile picture of the author David Merriman
        Hi Lorraine,

        Let's talk about your sales letter.

        Headline is king, subhead is queen, and your first two paragraphs are prince and princess.

        Not only does the beginning determine if the prospect starts reading at all, the headline, subhead, etc. frames the entire sales letter. It creates the very expectation that moves the prospect from start to "buy".

        Roughly, the three elements of a headline is that it is:
        1. dramatic
        2. evokes curiosity
        3. makes a promise
        Your headlines makes a promise, but it is not dramatic and does not evoke curiosity. You need all three.

        Here's an example off the top of my head, using a dramatic element from your own sales letter.

        "How a Tai Chi Teacher Accidentally Discovered a Miracle of Modern Health -- And You Can Do It In The Next 5 Minutes."

        Best of luck to you, and let me know when you see the profits come rolling in...


        Be unique.

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    • Profile picture of the author LETERRY911
      would really appreciate if you have time to read the sales page. the button at the top of my link takes you there. I don't know how to post the two pages separately. sorry.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jo_Shua
    Okay, I will give you one pointer and one bit I like.

    Why? Well, because until you fix this one pointer, then,
    you will not have hardly any conversions at all.

    First, I do like the position of the optin box above the fold.
    That is good.

    Second, the headline proposes a Yes/No question... Those who
    answered No will LEAVE, and those that answered Yes may
    or may not optin. Why? Because you did not intice their curiosity
    enough... And the 'IF' says that you may or may not be able
    to help them. So, even IF they said Yes, they still are not 100%
    certain that you can help them with their issue... cause you may or
    may not be able to help. It all relies on the 'IF' you can help THEM.

    Work on the headline... make it more personal... do not allow the user
    to say NO...


    EDIT: If you have no reason for that click to download button, then, get rid of it or move it below the optin box. Move the optin box up in it's place and it should not be out of frame. Would make it convert better... that download button takes away from the optin box.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jo_Shua
    I will post them for you:
    Squeeze Page
    New Sales Page

    Your optin section is MUCH better.

    As for your headline... it still needs work.

    In fact, you can improve it 10 fold by just
    removing some of the non-essential words.

    For instance, this is your current headline:

    "If I Promised I could make you feel Fit, Flexible and Full of Energy in JUST FIVE MINUTES A Day ... would you want to know more?"

    And subhead:

    Find out why so many people have discovered my Unique Gentle way to Fitness

    Just removing words will make it better:
    "Feel Fit, Flexible and Full of Energy -- In Just FIVE Minutes A Day"

    Discover why so many people continuously use my Unique Gentle way to Fitness -- day-in and day-out, and HOW you can benefit from the same relaxed, harmonious exercise.

    Well, I was just going on a whim with the sub head... but you get the idea.
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