This is the one you mean, I've linked it for you:

New Sales Page


I'm still learning at writing sales pages so won't attempt to give any suggestions on the writing but will be following this thread to see what other people say.

One thing I would say though - never have text in an image. It just means that Google can't index your site properly. Write out the text, then Google can index it for you. (By this I mean http://web.me.com/danserfamilyaccoun...peimage_21.png - text inside an image)

In-fact I just tested your sales page with all images disabled (since this is what the Google bots would see) and the entire copy that Google will see comes to around 200 words. You really will need to change that - convert the text hidden inside the image into real, XHTML text

Your page reminds me of my first attempts at a sales page four years ago! No offense intended, at least it's a start. But, honestly, it needs a lot of work.

The first problem is what's already been mentioned. Your graphic text (as images) is too small, blurry and a terrible idea for SEO reasons. Without even discussing the copy yet, it needs thorough proofreading and editing. Right from the very start there are some serious problems with grammar and syntax.

Your headline is way over the top (in size, I mean). I think you'd do better with an up to date header design or complete mini-site design. The whole look is too dated.

I have to hand it to you for integrating video. That's a good step in the right direction but I suggest using flash video instead of QuickTime. Many people (myself included) are not equipped with QuickTime but almost everyone can use Flash video.

You need more/better testimonials, some with photos or, even better, video/audio. One testimonial with just a name hardly gives any "social proof". You need at least a location to add some support to the name. Every element you can add to the testimony increases its strength: name alone (weak), name plus location (better), name plus location and photo (better still)...

I know testimonials can be hard to get when you're starting. It was a problem for me but you can offer your product to well-known people in your niche in exchange for reviews. That's one tactic.

In my opinion your product is overpriced. I produce DVDs and CDs and I know the profit margins. At 97 pounds you're getting close to $200. It's too much. I'd price it at half that amount and make more through a higher number of sales. You're not going to get many by overpricing.

Plus, your offer is unclear. Are you delivering a physical DVD? Or is it all digital by download? If it's digital you're really way overpriced. But it's not clear.

Finally, your guarantee is too short. You need to strengthen every aspect of your offer. I would recommend a 6 month unconditional guarantee. Don't be afraid of increasing returns. In most cases, the longer your guarantee the fewer returns you will get. And it increases buyer confidence.

I don't want to be all negative and I hope you take this as constructive criticism. As a matter of fact, you've got a lot of good copy elements going. I think your copy shows a lot of potential, but it's too scattered and disorganised.

At least you've taken action and produced a viable sales page. If you go through it carefully and iron it out with all the input you get from the WF (hopefully others will respond too) you could have a good sales page. I should point out that it took me at least two years to produce a decent sales page and I'm still working at it. It takes a lot of trial and error.

My suggestion is to hire a designer to create a mini-site for you. You can often get them here in the WSO section for less than $100. If there's no current WSO look someone up in the Warriors for Hire section.

Then I would also hire a copywriter. They come at whatever budget you can afford and you usually get what you pay for. You should be able to get decent medium length copy or a good rewrite for $500. That's only 5 sales (even after you cut your price!).

You can still learn to do your own copy in time but if you want to start earning money from this quickly you should use professionals.

thanks for the critique. I really do appreciate the help.

I don't really u/stand about text in images but i think this is because i've been drafting the page in iweb. Once the copy is sorted i'm sending it to someone to make it look right and check that it works properly in all search engines. The same applies to QT and flash - i'm still amazed that I managed to upload anything at all so i'll let someone more competent sort that out.

I've got more testimonials so i'll put some extra ones in.

I'm not selling at £97 but at £45 and yes, it is a physical DVD.

We have a full website already which i think might have been a mistake as we should probably have spent the money on just a minisite/sales page but as part of the business is workshops and corporate workshops it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I know what you're saying about the guarantee but i was worried that we would ship the DVD and send out twelve weeks worth of really great extras - downloadable videos, music files and stuff and then they'd have no reason not to return the dvd and get back their investment as by then they'd have everything they need and more to do the programme for ever more.

I would love to get a copywriter in but i've spent a lot of money so far on this project and the budget is getting very very stretched so I thought I'd try to economise but clearly this wasn't the right area to do it in!

I made you a quick video critique...

Copywriting Critiques | Learn Copywriting While Watching This Video Critique.

Thanks,

-Scott

Hi Lorraine,

I'll tackle just the headline...

Just quickly the first thing I notice is that the color of the headline is off-putting. Maybe try a darker red.

Besides that capitalize every letter in your headline.

Also, change programme to program.

Here's an alternate headline you may wish to consider:

"FINALLY! A Proven Exercise Program That's So Easy That ANYBODY With A Pulse Can Do It In Under FIVE Minutes... GUARANTEED Results In Under 30 Days Or Your Money Back!"

As a general rule, usually if your product is for EVERYONE it's actually for NO ONE.

Also, can you be more specific in terms of "results" (i.e. 2 dress sizes, etc.)

Hope this helps.

Cheers