Critique Request: Zero-Waste Greeting Cards Sales Page (ALMOST done!)

Put it online... You'll get more replies.

Most people, myself included, aren't going to download a .doc file.

Put it online somewhere and I'm happy to take a look. Also, a "please" is always nice... There are some extremely talented people on this board and they're being nice enough to look for free, so show a little appreciation.

Thanks,

-Scott

Nobody who actually knows anything about the profession of copywriting is going to be able (or willing) to answer these two questions.

First of all, what's the "it" to which you refer? If it's the product; who knows, unless they've reviewed it? If it's the letter; who knows, unless they wrote it?

YOU should be the only one placing a value on what your time, skills and knowledge are worth.

As for how well a piece of copy will convert? That question has been answered here already, ad nauseaum.

Test it. Run the copy and see what your results are.

it's a google doc a click away...

thanks for the input so far...it's a long form sales page, and I thought it would be too long to post here...also I was intimidated by the possibility of converting my HTML to forum post tagging...

That's a really long letter for something that seems like
a simple idea. I kind of got confused about what you
are actually selling amid all the arguments for social
responsibility.

Altruistic claims notwitstanding, most buyers act out of
rather primitive motives for personal gain; they want to
save money, time and effort. In direct response generally
the only reasons for most of your sales will be because
you offer a lower price (better value), greater convenience,
or an exclusive advantage not found in any other product.

Boil your message down to appeal to those crude motives.

People are selfish in their buying behavior, not altruistic, with
rare exceptions.

I assume you were putting up the page for the sake of practice, yes? Otherwise, if you were to go live with that page, it would be diffcult to read because the margins go to the end of the screen. If it was your intention to go forward with that page you need to pull your margins in.

I would also take to heart what Loren says. He tends to be right on that kind of thing.

CT

ok, well, it's certain that the concept of "Google Docs" has not arrived here, and that's OK. It's a Google doc, not a Word doc, and the link is to an HTML file.

You are right that I should likely make it more immediately accessible here, and I'll search around for a way to go from HTML to forum tags (or maybe this forum accepts HTML, I don't know). What the hey I'll give it a try...

----
OK, I tried it...umm...it's completely impossible from what I can see...the code just shows up as HTML code.

How do you recommend I post the page?

OK, here's the sales page as a PDF file, that's the best I can do for now...I appreciate your comments...it's wonderful to see fellow professionals sharing and caring.

I've done a ton of writing and editing projects, though I am just getting my feet wet in writing pro copy for others.

I'll likely change the title to something more like

save money, time and effort
and send stunning zero waste
holiday cards this season

(all initial caps of course)

...but frankly, the zero-waste cards are a bit more expensive...

Well, you're right it's long, this one is supposed to be a "long-form" sales letter. Heck, I could go longer! :-)

I will likely create a short form sales letter for this client to test, and we will see how this letter performs.

I figure, though, the most "aware" folks here would be able to "guesstimate" a response percentage on this letter. That, to me would be pretty cool. The audience is universities, non-profits, and businesses. That's why some of the things are worded a bit more umm...hoity-toity.

This might also be a litmus test. Would you:

a) buy the rights to use this letter and send it to clients in exchange for an affiliate percentage?
b) send this letter to your clients with your face on it (if the letter were given to you to re-rewrite and do with what you wish) in exchange for an affiliate percentage?

Best,
Dainis

Dear Collette, thank you for your frank advice. Can you tell me what led you to think I resorted to snippiness?

OK, if we circle around on this any further, let's follow the Warrior Forum rule and take it offline, because it's not a .doc file. It is an HTML file hosted by Google.

I'm very sorry you found my attempt to explain condescending. In my view, there is no difference between clicking on a link to a Google HTML file (hosted at Google docs) and clicking on a link, say to my blog.

The talk about Word Docs does irritate me a bit, and I gather that's the energy you're sensing in my tone, but I am not attempting to be condescending. It's just that it's not a Word Doc, and I never asked anyone to look at a Word doc. Also people spiraling about that here diverges from the topic.

Can we call it a clean slate?

So, brushing away the dust. We will likely run 2 versions from the get go, a short-copy version and a long copy version.

You feel like I didn't answer

(1) Why should I care? and,
(2) What's in it for me?

I figured they care because they care about the environment, they care because they want to be like Brad Pitt, John Kerry, and the National Wildlife Federation. They care because I wrote an emotional little section about mothers crying when kids give them hand-made greeting cards, and I linked that to effort and care...which I linked to the purchase of these cards.

I think I may be able to word things differently to tell people why they should care, but I need to look into how to do that.

Regarding "what's in it for me," hmm...I figured I answered that too.

This is from Page 3:

• increase the level of gratitude your contacts feel when they receive
your greeting
• maximize the impact of your message
• eliminate the environmental footprint associated with wasteful paper
cards
• outsource the whole process, be done with it, and smile :-)

---Now I'm really not trying to say "hey look, I did answer those questions." What I'm trying to say is "how could I make it better?" Is it my reasons? Is it the wording? Do I need to use a different "voice?" A lot of copywriting uses short barking kinds of words, so I could switch to more barbarian, Anglo-Saxon words.

I can likely map out and repeat any process oriented response.

...well, that ain't a bright prognosis, thank you for your honesty. Regarding an immediate reason to read on, this doesn't cut it?

Since holiday card crunch time is fast
approaching, if you act right away, for the
next 21 days, with your permission, I would
like to send you a package of...
18 Complimentary
Zero-Waste Holiday Cards
For Your Personal Use

What are some better reasons? Attention-getting storylines?

Companies that have moved to email cards (and have legitimized it with the green factor), along with folks who've switched to recycled paper do seem to be a likely to buy market sector that deserves a closer look. Thanks for that.

I have a sub-heading "Why not just send regular paper cards?"

...and I could change that to

Why not just send recycled paper cards...what's wrong with that?

Dainis-

I don't have time to get into a detailed
critique, but that copy isn't going to
work. It's just not good.

I'd suggest you read some books on
copy and then re-write, or hire a pro.

If you go live with that, it's got failure
written all over it... in very long, drawn
out text.

One tip - give the reader a reason to
read the letter. Don't expect them to
be interested just because you've
taken the time to put it up there.

They won't be.

As for what it's worth? Well, as copy
it's not worth much... it will likely cost
you money if you run it.

Sorry.

-David Raybould

My first mentor in copywriting many years ago told
me "unleash all your best arguments". (I was writing
for my woodworking business)

You've actually done that. You've unleashed such
an onslaught of arguments the quantity is a turn-off...
because you've poured several gallons of persuasion
into it where a cup or two is more appropriate.

What you are trying to do here is actually very challenging -
changing the habits of consumers to favor your product
without an overwhelming argument for superior technology
or lower price. The image I think of is one of sticking the
end of a crowbar into the marketplace (in this case recycled
greeting cards) and prying it asunder in order to seize the
gap for yourself.

Big advertisers try to do this all the time. Cigarettes are
perhaps the easiest market to study in this regard because
of the enormous amount of money spent in selling them
over the years - the appeals used to sell various brands,
top induce a preference in buying, varied in response to
the prevailing public opinion of cigarettes and the social
role smoking played.

You are no doubt aware of the social role recycling plays
in your culture - what you haven't done is distill your offering
down into one potent idea that matches that cultural
trend.

"Breakthrough Advertising" tells how to do it. The book is
most famous for this reason I think - it explains very lucidly
the mechanics of how a new market can be created in
a marketplace where the sort of product you want to
sell is generally looked upon as a commodity.

Just because the book tells how it's done doesn't make it
easy, but it's a start.

Dainis,

I skipped most of the copy but I think you have not really defined your customer yet. One exercise I do is FULLY outline my customer, down to his/her name and then picture I am sitting there talking to them.

I gotta tell you, I dont know if it is my age or my understanding of marketing but when someone does not get to the point FAST, I stop them and say, "Get to the point. What are you selling? How will it help me? How much? How do I get it?" I don
t really want to know anything else unless it is a REALLY good story.

I think your customers will appreciate this short approach.

OK, positioning off, especially for B2B. Point well taken.

I have a full psychographic profile of the prospect and the preachy sections are written to that profile. Yes, too long, too preachy, and thank you for sharing that the letter will fail as is.

I will definitely look into "Breakthrough Advertising." Thanks for that. I can already just use the word "breakthrough" plus synonyms in the copy and well...then I'm doing "breakthrough advertising" or?

OK, well, I have listened, and it sucks that this letter still comes off that way.

While running the risk of getting my head chewed off, I have a double degree in English and Rhetoric (with distinction), hip hip hooray...and I know that "educated" writers get pummeled quite a bit by "copywriters." Where we might meet, and why I bring it up, is that going from "push" to "pull" might be a really easy transition to make, if looked at from a linguistic perspective. I mean: grammar, rhetoric, sentence structure, word order.

So, here's my question: how can sentences be taken from push to pull easily? How is the wording different?

Next, a proposition: I'll be shortening and tightening and revising this copy using the resources I have at my disposal. If you can do better and know it, then please send me an offer for how much you would charge. We'll consider the offer and if we take you up on it, we'll test your copy against mine. If my copy outperforms yours (and I will be editing and changing it), then we get our money back. No questions asked. Just a real, square, solid deal based on performance.

PS: Loren, really really great post for my development, thank you!

Want to go head to head? Send me a quote.

Best,
Dainis