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Copywriters - have a look at my new sales page (YES, I did read the sticky!)

by Chris Thompson
9 replies
Hi everyone,

My audio course has been on the market for almost a year now and growth has been good. Regular sales, etc. But I'm always on the hunt for better conversion.

Tonight I finished a MAJOR project. That was:

1) Completely re-write the sales letter
2) Install a new theme (FlexSqueeze) to go along with it.

The result of it is here:
Dealing with Terrible Twos, Toddler Tantrums, and Child Behavior

I read the sticky containing the laundry list of what to do before asking for a critique. I printed it out and seriously attacked it. There were some areas where my style differs, ie, no pressure tactics, no real scarcity (I have a plan to implement scarcity with my autoresponder) ... I'm looking to get my prospects to say "This guy makes sense, and he seems genuine" (because I do, and I am).

Looking very much forward to your feedback!
#copywriters #page #read #sales #sticky
  • Profile picture of the author David Babineau
    Hi Chris,

    One thing: I absolutely LOVE your header! When I saw that it immediately made me smile and laugh a bit so I think that will work really well for you because right off the bat it lowers your reader's defences.

    Your headline tells them directly exactly what they're going to learn and although I'm not your target market I think that would relate well to them.

    Just looking over quickly the rest of it:

    - great use of proof (#1 as rated by...)

    - you mention you're a father, I would add a photo of you and your children, make them believe you even more (plus this will help in your conversions).. And if at all possible, get as much photos of the parents and their childs in the testimonials. (and even better if you can get a mom with her child in her arms in a video...)

    - Add "What" in fornt of "Talking To Toddlers is NOt:"

    - Good use of honesty in the PS.


    I haven't gone over every detail but really I have to say that I really like it so great job!

    Best of Luck,
    David
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    You need to build on your headline and add in the top benefit(s) people will get from using your product:

    Discover the Secrets to Great Child Behavior
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  • Profile picture of the author SamKane
    "Will This Man
    Slap Your Child
    At Walmart?"


    All kidding aside you should really test a benefit headline against a headline focused on the parent's embarrassment
    or fear of ridicule.
    Like:
    "How To Instantly Stop Your Toddler's
    Public Temper Tantrums...By Using
    Three Magic Words"

    The sales letter is good and if you add David's suggestions it would really make it better. Adding a picture of you and your children would make the sales letter personal...instead of giving it the appearance of a corporate sales pitch...good job..

    Sam Kane

    In case a few of you are wondering who the man in the picture is:
    http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/09/02/...ped/index.html
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    These 2 "Weird" Magic Words Can Help You Achieve ANYTHING You Want... Instantly! (Not safe for work or around kids)
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    • Profile picture of the author Kevin Rogers
      Hi Chris,

      Great looking product. I've got a 5 and a 3 yr-old probably lighting the family cat on fire as I write this, so I'm definitely your target.

      Couple notes on the copy...

      1. Re-approach this paragraph near the top:

      "Free Parenting Tips. Even if you arrived here without wanting to buy something, let me give you (for free) a few powerful techniques that you can start using right now. What you learn will help you gain back some control over your kids, and you'll start to get more comfortable with the solution that I have to offer you."

      Up to there you've done a nice job of capturing interest and demonstrating some key benefits... but then you panic a bit (as in the bolded lines) and try to diffuse any buyer's resistance they might have.

      No need.

      Just keep interest about what this unique program is and let them imagine putting it to use with their own kids. A version of the "My Wife Resisted" story might work well here...

      ... or you can just use a different example of a scenario all parents can relate to... when your child's behavior was sliding quick (like at a slow restaurant) and your language pattern thwarted the inevitable meltdown.

      Mention the free lesson when they are at the peak of curiosity about how this works. If nothing else, I would move that first set of bullets above this section. And add a little more intrigue about the methods. Then they'll be leaping on the free trial.

      2. The next paragraph could also be improved...

      "I'm absolutely certain of something. That something is this - if I had not discovered the incredible tools that I first learned back in 1993, I would be in the same position as you are right now. I'd be stressed out and miserable from trying to get my kids to behave using ineffective techniques. I'd be guilty of yelling at them far too often."

      I'm all for an authoritative tone, but this comes off a little condescending. Not in tone, but in message. Kinda like a thin person telling an overweight person, "aww, if I was as short as you I'd probably look fat, too."

      Try switching this from a "if I had not discovered these tools..." story to a "before I discovered these tools..." story.

      Again, the story of your wife's reluctance is a perfect example. You handle the tone of that one really well.

      I didn't have time to read much further, but from a skim, I was compelled to learn more.

      Overall... excellent work.

      Kevin
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Strong
        Originally Posted by Kevin Rogers View Post

        I've got a 5 and a 3 yr-old probably lighting the family cat on fire as I write this, so I'm definitely your target.
        Kevin, is that before or after they put it in the microwave? (Father of a 3-year old here.)

        Chris, instead of labeling each testimonial as "testimonial," I would put actual headlines on each one quoting the biggest benefit in that testimonial.

        For instance, the head for the one from Doris in Malta could read, "My boy is changing in front of my eyes!" or something like that.
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    A little note on the formatting...

    You aught to left-align your paragraphs, center aligning like that makes it harder to read.

    The guarantee looks a little crowded with that little slither of text in the middle. Probably effects readability.

    Oh, and it would probably pay to get a little more creative with your testimonial headlines too. Pull out a key phrase/benefit/grabber from each testimonial and use that to increase readership of your proof.

    Colm
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Chris, nice-looking site but an ordinary headline. Which is where we come in. But there's no way in the world I'm going to give you a killer headline for zip. Sorry about that Chief.

    Malkie, father of a nearly two year old miss and a four year old pirate.




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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Thompson
    Fantastic feedback so far! Thanks a ton everyone. I like the suggestions that I've been given here, and I'll be organizing them into two categories:

    1) Obvious stuff I need to do, will do shortly
    2) Stuff to split test - need to build up enough visits/sales of what I have now first, before I make these changes one at a time.

    Only one person mentioned paragraph alignment (center vs. left). Anyone else feel that the center alignment is a bad way to go?
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    • Profile picture of the author Kevin Rogers
      Originally Posted by Chris Thompson View Post

      Only one person mentioned paragraph alignment (center vs. left). Anyone else feel that the center alignment is a bad way to go?
      Yes. Agreed. Left align.
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