Critique this title & tag line? (online discussion platform)

Mebbe you got a cool kinda tropesy cliche SUCCESS deal from Sir Cure 19 ... whaddevah gowin' on there.

Problem is, anywan achtschwlly 19yo now starts out pre-Millennial-oh-so.

Got no idea what you sayin' FFS.

*bails abominably*

Forget 'shape the future'

Just stick to the single biggest benefit you'll be giving.

What IS the biggest benefit you'll be giving?

Could the benefit be...

Get all the answers (from the experts) and choose the ones you now know will work the best?


Steve

Well, Kaj Magnus, as helisell already mentioned, you might want to try focusing a little more on the benefits to your target audience. Have you even researched your target market yet? And learned what they want from your platform? (or if they even want it at all?)

From what I can see, you touch on a possible benefit with "Create a discussion forum that helps your organization and its users find good answers and ideas"

But you're not really calling out your target audience. So it's not really clear whom you're talking to, or what you're saying (which kinda nullifies any potential benefit)

Honestly, the whole thing might work as some body copy, in the middle of the page. Or as a second level copy. But on it's own, it doesn't really say much.


On the other hand, the first paragraph of your post

Tells me a lot more about who you are, and what you're trying to do. It's more sincere regarding your mission (passion?) and it's coming from you.

Based on the one paragraph from you, I pulled out what I believe are a couple key concepts.

Now this is just a very rough "brain dump" first draft, based on one paragraph (in a forum post) coming from the "real" you.

I simply read what you wrote, and pulled some silver nuggets out. If we were working together, we would need to sit down and talk for an hour, or more, and try to find some golden nuggets.


Anyway, here's a possible direction you can start to work with...

We're your online discussion platform, that allows your non-profit group to quickly connect with like minded peers. So you can easily collaborate, and organize your mission, to improve people's lives and make the world a better place.


The basic elements here, are...

* Online discussion platform (what it is)

* non-profit group (who it's for)

* connect with like minded peers, and collaborate (a bit weak, but still leaning towards a benefit, telling people what it does for them)

* improve people's lives and make the world a better place ( possible motivation to connect with the heartstrings of your target market?)


Now at the moment, it sounds a bit too much like a mission statement, so it needs to be polished.

But do you see where this is going, Kaj? In no uncertain terms, we're trying to call out the audience, and tell people what's in it for them. We want your target market to say "Yeah... This is for me."



But you need to remember this... it all hinges on THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!

And that is to figure out what your target audience actually wants. So you can connect with THEM, where THEY are at, with what THEY want. (that's where your research comes in)

It's about making a connection with your audience, and bridging your product or service with the desires they already have.

The thing is... You know what you want to say. Now you need to figure out what your target audience wants to hear (assuming they even want what you have). Then you can craft your copy, to bridge the gap.


Anyway, something for you to think about.

All the best,
SAR

You've had a couple of heavyweights weigh in already.

Even so, I'm going to throw in my two cents worth...

"Shape the future" really doesn't mean anything. It's not promising too much - rather, it really doesn't promise anything at all.

The way I read this is that you are developing a platform for non-profit types to communicate with their members, donors, etc.

You aren't trying to build something where people who run non-profits can gather to talk to each other.

Am I right?

If you are, do some research into what it actually takes to run a non-profit, what the people who run them are like, what they worry about, what they want their world to look like.

You have the seed of a real benefit in this statement:

Create a discussion forum that helps your organization and its users find good answers and ideas -- so you, and they, can do the right things.

I might rewrite it like this:

Create a safe place where you, your organization, and the people that look to you for help can gather to share your concerns, your ideas, and your triumphs so that together you can do the right things to make it a better world.

That's rough, but it gives you a flavor of what I mean.

Maybe I should add a plain text link to a demo forum, so you can, if you're interested, see how it looks. You'll need to remove the spaces between "https://" and the rest:

question-answers: (finds the best answer for you)
https:// insightful.demo.ed.community

chat:
https:// rollflow.com/-45/chat-say-hi-tell-us-about-you

Now then...

You mentioned naming the software.

The "name" could tell the story highlighting the big benefit.

I appreciate you might not want to reveal the title.

But whatever you do - don't make it sound generic, meaningless or incomprehensible.

Make it sing the song you want your people to listen to.


Steve


P.S. Creating the "name" isn't easy - my first 7 thoughts weren't worth typing.

But I can guess this...

If it indicates future shaping we'll all go into a huff.

Hey,
I loved your Idea.
To give to the community.

But what exactly do you want to give?

How it will help others?

What exactly do you want to achieve with it?

What value do I bring to the people?

How does it going to change their lives?

You have a good concept you just need improve it by asking those questions.

Hope that helped you.
Eden

Before you start the project, you need to determine the target audience, build the content plan, determine what you want from the project, what benefits will your client receive? And remember ... Customer is above all!

Seems like a good idea...

1. Make it more specific. Shape the future is vague. Starting out with something specific will be more powerful. Maybe Shape The Future Of ____ (energy, homelessness, etc).

2. You want to build a tribe. This means you're creating a network to fight for something. This also means you need a villain.

Find your fight.

Find your villain.

"Grow a community of non-profit organizations to fight for alternative energy development against governments and private industries working tirelessly to maximize profits above the health of the Earth."

3. Create rules and you're golden. All good forums have rules to determine the scope of what's acceptable and what isn't.

Keep Killing It!
-ZZ

What do you mean, the software finds the good answers?

How does it do that?

Why is it better than me or you or some other person finding the good answers?

Who lost the good answers? (Shouldn't you be making software that gets rid of members who lose good answers?)

This is a good idea. You have additional data that your subconscious will keep working on as you attend to other things.

Even when writing copy, I usually do the final headline last. I'll have a long list of possibilities, and pick one to use as a working headline. What I often find, though, is that the headline (slogan) that makes the final cut comes out of the copy itself.

The dedicated landing page is a good start. Since you said you want for-profits and other groups to use the software, I'd repeat the process with each group.

Best of luck to you...

I don't think your tagline "Shape the Future" is very catchy. It's quite broad. I don't understand what it is that you're trying to convey in that statement alone. Go directly to the point and tell your customers what are the services you are offering. After you've done that, put your tagline at the bottom... but please don't use "Shape the Future".