Need YOUR opinion on copy translation: hot or not?

by Shambala 5 replies
Hi,

I need YOUR opinion on this copy. In fact, because I'm not a native speaker (more: see background a little lower), I need to answer these two questions:

a) Is it correct/well written English?
b) Is the copy appealing (to you)?

I'm fine with short comments (That's great/shit!).

Background: German company, copy was written by one of our regular writers. Made an offer to translate that... and well, let's say there's a big disagreement on how well he did translate his work.

Examples (brand name removed):
The brands multifunction terminal sets new standards in time and attendance, data collection and access control. A variety of options and custom keyboard layouts, allow the user the universal use for Time & Attendance, PDA, MDA and access control for up to 8 doors. Based on the brands embedded system and equipped with the latest technology, data can be quickly and accurately recorded and transferred immediately to the evaluation software. Statements, calculations or other analyzes can be done in time, targeted processes are tracked, controlled and optimized. There are fewer questions because employees can check personal information such as holidays, overtime, etc. directly. With minimal time afford high quality and timeliness of data is ensured. The device can be integrated in any IT solutions through brands setup and communication tools.
No more risky and costly key management - with the brands access control system you can safely protect rooms and buildings from unauthorized access and can watch in real time who is currently in the protected area. If an access badge is lost, it can be removed from the authorization list easily. If a key is lost in a classic locking system, all affected locking cylinders have to be replaced.

The brand offers a comprehensive product portfolio, with which almost every application scenario in the field of access control can be depicted. The base of each installation is the software application of the solution partners. This supplies the controllers with the necessary access profiles. The reading units record information by means of an RFID transponder, barcode, PIN input or fingerprint and return these to the software solution via the controller level. The brand offers the possibility to work offline as well as online.
#copywriting #copy #hot #opinion #translation
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  • Profile picture of the author helisell
    I'm assuming this isn't 'sales copy'?

    It's really just a list of 'techno-babble' to the uninitiated (non techy people)

    It says nothing tangible about the BENEFITS, it just reels off a list of FEATURES.

    It IS translated well and the English is 'correct' but in any language this would be dull, dull, dull.

    Great for a user manual but not for creating any kind of emotional response.
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    • Profile picture of the author Shambala
      Well, let's say: This should (also) be a sales copy. :/ Not a fan of it either...
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      • Profile picture of the author SARubin
        Can't add much to what helisell said.

        It reads like a boring technical manual.


        Originally Posted by Shambala View Post

        Well, let's say: This should (also) be a sales copy. .
        No, Let's NOT say it's "sales copy" (and we'll all sleep better at night)

        .
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  • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
    I agree with the others that this translated text is deadly dull.

    But here is a quick tip: If you can simply recast it all in terms of "you" it will be halfway to where it needs to be as sales copy.

    Marcia Yudkin
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    Check out Marcia Yudkin's No-Hype Marketing Academy for courses on copywriting, publicity, infomarketing, marketing plans, naming, and branding - not to mention the popular "Marketing for Introverts" course.
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    • Profile picture of the author Shambala
      Concerning that we have to work on all our texts. That's another thing we can't find an agreement so far in our company, but first we wanted to check if it's a correct translation and no "chinese manual" text.

      Thanks for your answer!
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