Hi Anne,

I am sure there is a need for this book, but its title, the headline of your page and your main image are real downers. Depressing rather than uplifting. Depressing to the point of driving away some people in your audience, I believe.

I very much like the word "comeback" buried within your copy, though. Maybe you can create a more hopeful headline using that word. Another word you might consider is "hope."

Unfortunately, the word "escape" does not imply success! Many people "escape" from unemployment by exiting the job market, and that is not what you mean. I know that from members of my own family.

Missing from your presentation is any evidence that the book would really be helpful to people or that it's unique in the marketplace. Could you get advance quotes from prominent/credentialed people about you or about the book? Or post the introduction or a sample chapter?

Please understand that these comments are not just off the top of my head. I have published books with major publishers (HarperCollins, Henry Holt, Penguin USA) and been a paid advisor to many dozens of authors on publishing.

Best of luck with your project.

Marcia Yudkin

P.S. What the heck does this mean, "Sign the Sign"? I do not understand this at all.

Marcia has a couple good points here.

I tried to remember back when I was out of work; I recall being a bit anxious... frustrated... a bit depressed at times...

"OutOfWorkLifeSucksItis" sounds like a disease of sort.

I guess you're trying to be cute? But I don't recall wanting "cute" when I was feeling depressed.

I already knew that life sucked, and I just wanted help finding work.


That said... it looks like you're almost 1/3 of the way to your goal ($563 pledged out of $1900 goal) so that's a pretty good start. Maybe your target market is people who haven't fallen too far yet? Or altruistic people who want the book for someone else?

In which case... maybe keep the "cute?"


Other than that, I did see a small issue with the flow of the piece, as I got into the copy.

I hit a stumbling block with the section that says...


What's in It for You??

Glad you asked. So you can prepurchase the book, either an ebook version (PDF initially, then Kindle format) or ebook + paperback. You can sponsor the book (limited slots available) and get a blurb about yourself or your business in the book. Or MY favorite, you can buy the book and 'Sign the Sign'. It will be on the interior of the book, so black and white, as shown here:

Inside the book there are a number of road signs, most of them Population Signs, a few others, such as the one above. One perk lets you, 'Sign the sign' and provide up to 20 characters to appear on a road sign in the book. This is another limited quantity perk for obvious reasons.



Question... How exactly does all that benefit me?

You might think it's obvious... but as your reader, I don't see what that does for me.

I guess I could speculate that having my "blurb" in your book could give me an EGO boost? Possibly some fame if your book ever gets popular?

But that's making me do an awful lot of speculating.

I recommend either spelling out some actual "benefits" to me, or changing the misleading headline.



Finally, the part that says...

Who Created this Book and Why?

Being out of work can bring a gut-wrenching realization that you can't control your paycheck or your life. It's depressing and it's incredibly isolating. Co-workers, even when you aren't BFF, provide some level of support. We tell them when we or a family member is sick. We tell them about major life events or if our car fails to get us to work on time. All those conversations connect us. When you are out of work, that support system that helped get you through a lot of issues in your life, isn't there.



That's one big paragraph, Anne... and you still haven't told me who created the book.

I'd say this next sentence from your page...

"I (Anne Emerick) am the creator and one of the contributing authors."

Should be the first sentence after that sub-headline.



Other than that, good luck with the book. I'm looking forward to maybe seeing it on Amazon next February?

All the best,
SAR

Anne, you've rec'd some good input from two very qualified people, hope you thank them and take their advice to heart.

I looked at your campaign from an Indiegogo member point of view.

Here are my observations. Your video; the first minute and 20 seconds left me cold. Slick and cutesy. Contrived.

When YOU came on and told your story, I felt the power of your message.

And there is a huge market for your book. But they are not on this platform, so you have to address the TRAFFIC your campaign is getting.

They come to it, first, family and friends who want to support you, I'd bet most of your initial fundraising came from them. Normally this comes from your Facebook or other social media groups.

Then, crowdfunding participants looking for a deal, a bargain, what do we get?

I feel your promotion doesn't address them soon enough. Are people who come to Indiegogo unemployed looking for help? I doubt it. Probably friends and family of the unemployed would gift this to someone but it almost always comes down to what we get.

Your fundraising promotion sounds more like an after funds promotion, more like an Amazon promo for the actual users, or buyers.

Maybe if you placed the What's in it for you? a little bit higher up, and give a better explanation of what the sign is. The higher contributors see the potential of your work, they know there is a huge potential audience...

maybe you have an Amazon best seller on your hands.

I'm not sure what the 250 level of funding gets me? Will, that 150 word description include an url? If I do resumes or job coaching for example, will that be permitted in the sign? Why would I want my name or blurb in the book?

In addition to the feedback you have already rec'd, my opinion for faster fund raising results is to refocus your campaign on the traffic that comes there, and of course, the SOURCE of this traffic and I think they are more interested in your goodies at the different levels.

Crowd fund raising investors, outside of family friends, want to see what is in it for them, which you have, in your promotion as sort of an after thought, and if you feature this higher on the page, you may get quicker funding.

Good luck,

GordonJ

PS. Just an opinion, you aren't asking for enough.

I'd redo the copy.

WHO is this for?

WHAT problem is it solving?

And WHY are you the person to bring this solution to them?

The building blocks are here but the order and presentation needs improvement.

Agreed on the comments above about negativity and the need to switch to positivity.

Tough market...I've been helping people find roles they enjoy for two decades, been on many radio interviews and have a book on the subject. Jobhunters are typically broke and only spend money on books like What Color Is Your Parachute? or misguided attempts on a magic bullet from a template resume rewriter who gives their resume that "new car smell." So you have to really get into the Why here and show them how it's more than just a fireside chat about feeling good about your job search.

One of the best ways to increase conversions is to buy a domain and hosting, build that blog around the topic of escaping unemployment, build your authority in that niche, and then the traffic and conversions will flow in.

Your page looks solid but the expertise factor is missing, and it is so much easier to raise funds when you show off what you know about your niche, and how you can benefit folks.

Thanks to everyone for the feedback so far. I had foot surgery yesterday with some pre-surgical processes the day before, so I've been offline most of the last 3 days and only now got a chance to read the responses.

I hadn't thought about people not understanding why they should listen to me and the other contributing authors and perhaps needing to lead with that.

I had wondered about whether the depressing factor of the topic was a turnoff

Jason to answer your questions:
WHO is this for? Discouraged job-seekers who feel stuck

WHAT problem is it solving? Making them feel less alone and more hopeful, providing new ideas for coping and job searching

And WHY are you the person to bring this solution to them? Because I and the other contributing authors have been there and we talk about what helped us and how we worked our way out of the situation, what we changed that helped us get back to work. Each chapter in the book brings a different individual's story. Some are written in essay format, some are verbatim interviews and others are pieces where I interviewed someone and then summarized them (a traditional magazine interview format)

I will read the above advice and see what I can do. Though I am wondering if I don't need to start with a new title and cover for the book itself.

Thanks!

Oh, and I did begin with a blog. Some of the chapters in the book were originally blog posts written by guest authors, such as this one:

How Losing My Job Cost Me My Marriage - Why It Was The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me – Welcome to Unemploymentville

Anne, I'm going to shift gears a bit.

I don't think you have a book about being unemployed. I think you have a collection of comeback stories from real people. People that were forced into a situation not of their choosing, and overcame it.

When you're unemployed, but not by choice, you can start to feel cut off from the "normal" world, all alone. You have 41 stories that prove they aren't alone, this isn't forever, and that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't an oncoming train.

Look at the athletes who suffer horrible injuries and come back better than ever. Listen to their stories. Often, there are a few individuals who reach out to them and share their experience. Help them get through the tough spots.

Offer that "reach out" lifeline, and people will grab it.

So will people who know people who need it.

Be uplifting, the thing to lean on to get through the dark days.

May not be the most technical advice, but that's what hit me.

A GIANT THANK YOU to all who gave me feedback here and a few who commented in the other thread or sent me a private message. I am cutting and pasting the best of the advice, to have it all together, and starting with a clean page and writing from the heart.

I posted also in a private Facebook group that I belong to and no one offered any feedback there. I don't know what I would have done without guidance from you Warriors. You guys rock!!

Thank you so much!

Anne

I FINALLY did it. I just finished posting the rewritten copy. My gut tells me that it is much better, but I'm interested to hear what you think.

http://www.igg.me/at/unemploymentville

I also simplified the perks a bit. The 'Sign the Sign' perk was clearly not understood by many and it wasn't something that everyone would want, so I hid that one off the page. If sales start coming in, I could always add it back in (with a better explanation)

I got a request for a radio interview on this topic, so we'll see where it goes from here.

Thanks again for all the help.

[DELETED]

I'm a bit confused about the entire offer...

For $7 I essentially get an unfinished ebook? It's not very compelling.

Then, going up the tiers, it looks like, at least on INDIEGOGO your target is business owners? So the benefit for them would be they can advertise their business and hire unemployed folks who buy your book? Or promote their business to unemployed folks (good if you're a temp agency, maybe)?

Without knowing who you're trying to get cashola from on INDIEGOGO, it's hard to know what to do with the copy. Who are you speaking to?

Cheers,
Colm

I think you made a step in the right direction, Anne. But I think you are burying the lead by talking about creating a book. The real power in your page starts much further down, part of your story.

Start where it says:

"If you get rejected or disappointed enough times, it's easy to start feeling like there is something wrong with you. You wonder what others have that you don't. I wanted to hear from people who had been in my situation, survived with their sanity intact, and went on to better things. "

I'm in the camp that's not sure about your title. To me, "Escape from Unemploymentville" is very close to the Kurt Russell movie "Escape from New York", with visions of shooting your way free.

I think the sentiment you want to create is better explained in this clip from "Dave" with Kevin Klein, starting about the 1:40 mark.

Dave Full Employment Speech - YouTube
If you want to keep the Unemploymentville deal, something like "Surviving Unemploymentville" might touch a better chord.

Just some food for thought...

Great points highlighted by the previous posts!

Some points to raise

- I feel the copy needs more scanability. The current copy has too much text and I find it a bit hard to scan through. Readers usually scan through the entire article to pick out words that grab their attention.

Use images with interesting captions. Perhaps you can include some photos of the people that have contributed to your book to add a human element. You might even want to put your own photo. As for the captions, they can grab the readers attention because of their proximity to the image, which will encourage readers to read more of the rest of the text.

You can also put more bullet points and shorten the paragraphs so readers can easily pick out keywords that interest them.

- I would start the copy off with your personal story, instead of the depressing beginning. This will help to build rapport with your reader, instead of making them feel down.

Hope that helps! Cheers!