Constructive criticism please

19 replies
Hi all,

I am targeting over 45 women with chronic disease to download the free ebook I have written.

Can you please review my landing page and provide criticism

I am currently using Facebook advertising with the copy

"Ladies if You have a chronic disease (Diabetes, obesity, COPD etc) there are solutions and strategies to help. Click to learn more" Learn mode

Leads to my landing page

https://www.welcise.com/freebook/

I am also currently reading "Cashvertising and The ultimate sales letter" to try and improve my copy.

Any advice would be appreciated
#constructive #criticism
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  • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan
    Talk to their situation (pain point).

    Then offer the solution.

    Your initial (blue) headline is prescriptive, and it's too early to be prescriptive. You haven't laid out the problem yet.

    "WOMEN: If you're over 45" would be a much better way to begin.

    What professionals...why this ebook?

    Keep working!
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    • Profile picture of the author lorengraham
      I would place a call to action button link below the header because this will give your prospect more than one option to click the button as a subscriber, etc.

      Also i have to agree with SAR. Your offering way more chronic ailments in your landing page than you need to at the initial promotion.

      I would put no more than three (3) health topics in your squeezpage and in bullet form say " and much more".

      Let the curiosity of the prospect settle in to where they want more.
      Hope thats helpful.

      Drive on and dont quit.
      Continue your journey.
      Loren
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      • Profile picture of the author gianbizz
        Just a little suggestion:
        You may need to add more image or background that describe your product, many experts said that picture can make your landing page more attractive, add a woman picture that looks like your target (45 old woman)
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  • Profile picture of the author SARubin
    What's your response rate so far? (how many people have signed up to your list, from this page?)

    I'm only asking because if you're getting a solid response rate, then you don't need to change anything.



    On the other hand... if I had to pick one word to describe what's lacking from your message. That word would be "credibility."

    I don't want to sound too harsh here, but honestly, my first impression is it sounds like you're selling snake oil.


    I mean, your headline says..

    What YOU need to know about chronic disease is


    Question... Why would anyone believe a stranger on the internet can tell them something about their chronic health issues, that their doctor couldn't tell them?


    Then your copy says...


    YOU can manage and reduce the terrible impacts of chronic disease (Obesity, Diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, Asthma, COPD, Heart Disease) using Simple solutions and strategies.
    Reveal the simple steps the professionals use to help YOU take control.


    Again... the credibility is "iffy" at best.


    First, they don't know if you even have any credentials in the health industry.

    Second, you're offering women a downloadable e-book of "simple" solutions, for a whole host of chronic diseases.

    And I can't help wondering if your methods will also help women reduce wrinkles, and make them 10 years younger?

    (OK, maybe I exaggerated a bit, with that last comment. But it was only to emphasize the point)


    It sounds like your offering a simple solution for too many things at once.
    And maybe your methods can do all those things... but so far, as your reader, I don't believe it.


    Perhaps if you give a usable example of one of your methods, it might help add some credibility to the page? Convincingly describe one of your methods a bit, and maybe people will believe you know what you're talking about.

    Or, get a 3rd party endorsement from a recognized health authority. And ride piggy-back on their credibility.


    Anyway, just a couple thoughts for you to consider. (And if you need any credentials on my credibility, feel free to bounce through some of my other posts on this forum, and decide for yourself if you think my advice is worth listening to)

    Best of luck with your venture.

    Just remember... you're dealing with chronic disease here, which is a personal issue for people. Establishing your credibility first, will go a long way towards gaining their trust.

    All the best,
    SAR
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  • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
    Hi there,

    Your teaser copy is much too general and (as others have said) lacks credibility.

    I wouldn't go any further because it doesn't seem plausible to me that all chronic diseases have anything relevant in common with one another, such that something "simple" (your word) works with them.

    If you do indeed have something simple and effective to offer, then give the user some good reason to trust you before asking them to opt in.

    Good luck,
    Marcia Yudkin
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  • Profile picture of the author JohnMcCabe
    There's no empathy here.

    I'd try something like:
    Are You a Woman Over 45 and...

    > sick of planning your days around the closest bathrooms?
    > tired of being tired all the time, even though you sleep 13 hours a day?
    > looking at a simple flight of stairs as a marathon?

    And having those feelings day after day after day?

    If this is you, we may be able to help.

    Enter your email address, and in your inbox you'll find simple tips and techniques that may help you better manage your chronic illness and improve your quality of life.

    [Insert form]

    Don't take our word for it. The tips in this free guide (note: not ebook, guide) are used by professionals every day, and in the guide you'll find the sources that back up what we say...

    Sources like:

    > Source 1
    > Source 2
    > Source 3

    Don't wait. Download your free guide now. You could be living a better life as soon as tomorrow.

    [Insert form]
    Very rough draft, but you get the idea...
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    • Profile picture of the author SARubin
      Wow John,

      Your "empathy" angle, may have just put my "credibility" angle into 2nd place.

      I bow down to you, sir.

      Perhaps a combination of the two, will serve the OP well. (assuming he actually takes the advice to heart?)

      All the best,
      SAR


      Originally Posted by JohnMcCabe View Post

      There's no empathy here.

      I'd try something like:
      Are You a Woman Over 45 and...

      > sick of planning your days around the closest bathrooms?
      > tired of being tired all the time, even though you sleep 13 hours a day?
      > looking at a simple flight of stairs as a marathon?

      And having those feelings day after day after day?

      If this is you, we may be able to help.

      Enter your email address, and in your inbox you'll find simple tips and techniques that may help you better manage your chronic illness and improve your quality of life.

      [Insert form]

      Don't take our word for it. The tips in this free guide (note: not ebook, guide) are used by professionals every day, and in the guide you'll find the sources that back up what we say...

      Sources like:

      > Source 1
      > Source 2
      > Source 3

      Don't wait. Download your free guide now. You could be living a better life as soon as tomorrow.

      [Insert form]
      Very rough draft, but you get the idea...
      Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author viper2000
    Hi everyone,

    Apologies for not replying earlier we had a microburst and knocked out infrastructure and power etc for last couple of days. I really appreciate all of the feedback.

    My opt in at present is 3.92%, I have no real clue if that is any good.

    In regards to credibility if I go that route I am guessing it would be wise to talk about my Masters in Clinical Exercise Physiology and my senior clinician position in a preventable hospital program? As well as my years of experience? (Many will say just focus on exercise but we typically look at multiple facets of someones lifestyle to improve overall health) (I can describe how we are different to Physiotherapists and personal trainers but I wouldn't on the opt in.)

    I think the empathy route is the choice I will go with to test, if the above opt in % is poor. I could employ both by using empathy as the copy to opt in but below have a blurb about myself and a picture?

    I could include in my sales page the objection that a doctor could provide the same information, in my and many of my colleagues experience doctors advice on lifestyle intervention is not always as in depth as it could be.

    I could also potentially provide evidence such as:

    Exercise and well-being: a review of mental and physical hea... : Current Opinion in Psychiatry

    http://adispne.fr/wp-content/uploads...._27.03.15.pdf

    A Comprehensive Lifestyle Peer*Group-Based Intervention on*Cardiovascular Risk Factors: The Randomized Controlled Fifty-Fifty Program - ScienceDirect


    John that is excellent copy btw do you mind if I use it? This is what I am trying to learn.

    Am I in danger of making the opt in page a bit busy if I do the above?

    Once again thank you
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    • Profile picture of the author JohnMcCabe
      Originally Posted by viper2000 View Post

      John that is excellent copy btw do you mind if I use it? This is what I am trying to learn.

      Am I in danger of making the opt in page a bit busy if I do the above?

      Once again thank you
      You are welcome to use it. If you do, please send me a PM with the URL so I can grab a screen shot for my scrapbook.

      As for your other question here, there's really only one way to find out for sure...

      BTW, I think you have the credibility angle covered. And the sources you linked are exactly the type I had in mind. Very, very few will actually make the effort to read and understand them, but the fact that you know about them and are willing to put them out there will go a long way.
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    • Profile picture of the author SARubin
      Originally Posted by viper2000 View Post

      My opt in at present is 3.92%, I have no real clue if that is any good.
      That's not great... but it's not terrible. The question will be how many of them are potential buyers of what you're selling? Compared to unresponsive, freebie seekers?

      (Time will tell)


      Originally Posted by viper2000 View Post

      I could employ both by using empathy as the copy to opt in but below have a blurb about myself and a picture?
      This sounds like a good way to go. The empathy lets people know you care, and the credibility let's them know that YOU know what you're talking about.

      As John said, you seem to have the credibility covered. But it doesn't hurt to actually let your visitors know of your credentials (instead of making them wonder)


      Originally Posted by viper2000 View Post

      Am I in danger of making the opt in page a bit busy if I do the above
      I agree, you don't want it to be too busy (or you run the risk of scaring people away, before they even read it). But that's where your formatting skills will come in handy (lots of white space... easy to read font... sub-headlines to break it up...)



      Also, I don't recommend putting any external links on your opt-in page (sales page, maybe ... opt-in page, no) or you run the risk of people clicking on the link... reading the information... then neglecting to "opt-in" to your list.

      Once people are on your opt-in page, you don't want them leaving it before they fill in your email form.

      Of course... you can test it, with and without the links, to find out for sure.

      But an opt-in page is like an impulse buy at a store. If people get distracted, they often move on, and forget to go back and do what you wanted them to do in the first place.


      And finally, since you're just getting started with learning to write copy. I'll leave you with a quote from David Ogilvy...

      "Never stop testing, and your advertising will never stop improving."

      All the best,
      SAR
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  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    Some good ideas already.

    I think I'd just immediately call out who you want to attract...then just keep it short and sweet.

    ______________________


    Are You A Woman Born Before 1972?

    Please read immediately if you suffer from arthritis, cancer,
    diabetes, obesity, smoking, or any other chronic disease

    Free report reveals 15 proven scientific methods to treat and even reverse most chronic diseases

    Are you sick and tired of...

    >Popping a fistful of pills everyday and still not feeling any better? Discover the hidden
    reason on page 5

    >Painful muscles and sore joints -- gain soothing comfort. See page 7

    >Yo-Yo diets that make you even fatter? -- surprising reason on page 8

    >Blood pressure medicines that zap your energy and wipe out your sex drive -- natural
    remedy page 9

    There's no need to feel lousy any more:

    >Boost health throughout your entire body! page 3

    >Clear plaque from your arteries -- and prevent a heart or health disaster! page 5

    >Rev up your energy levels -- so you can live the life you want! page 12

    >And add 10... 20... even 30 more years of healthy living! page 9

    My name is John Doe. As president of Health Shack, one of the nation's fastest growing lifestyle health companies, I want to rush you this report -free of charge- in the hopes that if you or a loved one are struggling with disease, poor health, or chronic pain -- you can use this information to take immediate action and begin living the healthy satisfied life you deserve.

    I Want My Free Report

    Scientific studies confirmed by:
    Mayo Clinic
    National Institutes Of Health
    Journal Of International Society of Sports Nutrition
    Circulation Journal
    And Many More
    ________________________________________________

    I just did this off the top of my head very quickly and probably not so well organized as it should be, but I wanted to maybe give you a quick outline of a basic idea you could use.

    I'm quite sure you can fill in your own bullet points etc., and rearrange the sections properly, change some wording, add some design work, etc.

    What you have now in my opinion doesn't build much excitement.

    Without knowing much about your business its almost impossible to give precise accurate help. Good copywriters will spend hours and days combing through every detail about your business and then land on one super glorious big idea that frames your whole campaign. Research, research, and research is what makes one sales letter, etc., work and another one totally become another failed attempt. The art of research is a skill that is often overlooked...

    ...so without any research I can only give you a very basic example.

    Not sure how "into" this you want to get, but a lot of marketing strategies will devote one landing page to say each ailment. Arthritis one, smoking one, obesity one, etc. That way you target the page directly to one group...which usually gives you a higher return rate. Just an idea.

    Main thing, like was already mentioned is to keep testing.

    Hope you do well.
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    • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan
      Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

      Some good ideas already.

      I think I'd just immediately call out who you want to attract...then just keep it short and sweet.

      ______________________


      Are You A Woman Born Before 1972?

      Please read immediately if you suffer from arthritis, cancer,
      diabetes, obesity, smoking, or any other chronic disease

      Free report reveals 15 proven scientific methods to treat and even reverse most chronic diseases

      Are you sick and tired of...

      >Popping a fistful of pills everyday and still not feeling any better? Discover the hidden
      reason on page 5

      >Painful muscles and sore joints -- gain soothing comfort. See page 7

      >Yo-Yo diets that make you even fatter? -- surprising reason on page 8

      >Blood pressure medicines that zap your energy and wipe out your sex drive -- natural
      remedy page 9

      There's no need to feel lousy any more:

      >Boost health throughout your entire body! page 3

      >Clear plaque from your arteries -- and prevent a heart or health disaster! page 5

      >Rev up your energy levels -- so you can live the life you want! page 12

      >And add 10... 20... even 30 more years of healthy living! page 9

      My name is John Doe. As president of Health Shack, one of the nation's fastest growing lifestyle health companies, I want to rush you this report -free of charge- in the hopes that if you or a loved one are struggling with disease, poor health, or chronic pain -- you can use this information to take immediate action and begin living the healthy satisfied life you deserve.

      I Want My Free Report

      Scientific studies confirmed by:
      Mayo Clinic
      National Institutes Of Health
      Journal Of International Society of Sports Nutrition
      Circulation Journal
      And Many More
      ________________________________________________

      I just did this off the top of my head very quickly and probably not so well organized as it should be, but I wanted to maybe give you a quick outline of a basic idea you could use.

      I'm quite sure you can fill in your own bullet points etc., and rearrange the sections properly, change some wording, add some design work, etc.

      What you have now in my opinion doesn't build much excitement.

      Without knowing much about your business its almost impossible to give precise accurate help. Good copywriters will spend hours and days combing through every detail about your business and then land on one super glorious big idea that frames your whole campaign. Research, research, and research is what makes one sales letter, etc., work and another one totally become another failed attempt. The art of research is a skill that is often overlooked...

      ...so without any research I can only give you a very basic example.

      Not sure how "into" this you want to get, but a lot of marketing strategies will devote one landing page to say each ailment. Arthritis one, smoking one, obesity one, etc. That way you target the page directly to one group...which usually gives you a higher return rate. Just an idea.

      Main thing, like was already mentioned is to keep testing.

      Hope you do well.
      Love that headline. Same info, same question...different format and makes you stop and do the math. Now you're involved.

      I just didn't want to write the copy heh heh but I like what you did here.
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      • Profile picture of the author viper2000
        Love the information and communication going on. It seems to me there are many ways to get this done. Is there a basic anatomy of a landing page and sales page? E.g. Headline
        Outline problem, outline solution, offer to optin/buy? Formatting and fonts etc is something I need to learn.

        The advice on clicking away from the page is a good one. I could easily just include an outline of facts from those articles and reference them with no click-able link.

        I agree test test and more test. What is a good opt in rate? Where can I find credible information like those stats?
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        • Profile picture of the author SARubin
          Originally Posted by viper2000 View Post

          It seems to me there are many ways to get this done. Is there a basic anatomy of a landing page and sales page? E.g. Headline
          Outline problem, outline solution, offer to optin/buy? Formatting and fonts etc is something I need to learn.
          Yes, there are many paths that lead to the same destination.

          As far as an "anatomy" goes... There are a number of formulas, and templates you could look at to give you some ideas.


          For solid landing page / opt-in templates, you could check out leadpages. Here's a link to a page that has a bunch of winning templates...

          leadpages.net/the-ultimate-list-of-free-landing-page-templates


          You should be able to find one that suits you at this link. Of course, you'll still need to make it your own (with your own copy, colors, pictures, etc.) But find one that fits what you're trying to do, and it could help you get started.



          When it come to sales pages there's also a bunch of formulas your could start with.

          Here's a link from one of the members of this forum, RickDuris "TheCopyranger"

          He used to hang out here a bit more, but haven't seen him around lately (shame really, because I enjoyed reading some of his posts)

          Anyway, he put a couple dozen tested formulas for writing copy, on his website, at this link...

          21 Incredible Copywriting Formulas (I Use) | CopyRanger.com



          Just keep in mind, all formulas and templates should only be used as guidelines to get you started. You still need to speak directly with your target market in the language that resonates with them.

          But if you pick one (or a couple) that you're comfortable working with, it can speed up your learning curve dramatically.


          Hope this helps.

          All the best,
          SAR
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        • Profile picture of the author max5ty
          Originally Posted by viper2000 View Post

          Love the information and communication going on. It seems to me there are many ways to get this done. Is there a basic anatomy of a landing page and sales page? E.g. Headline
          Outline problem, outline solution, offer to optin/buy? Formatting and fonts etc is something I need to learn.

          The advice on clicking away from the page is a good one. I could easily just include an outline of facts from those articles and reference them with no click-able link.

          I agree test test and more test. What is a good opt in rate? Where can I find credible information like those stats?
          There's several formulas.

          Google and you'll find some winning landing pages. Some use video...long copy...short copy...blah blah blah.

          You can learn with a lot of testing or you could hire a copywriter.

          Problem is your landing page is just the start. I assume you're wanting to monetize so your report needs to sell. That's another animal. You'll need emails etc. If you've done marketing campaigns in the past you know what's involved.

          So yes, you can put together a good landing page but don't forget the things that ultimately bring in the cash.

          Guess what I'm trying to say is...a good landing page doesn't always equal success.

          Free is easy to give away. Keeping and selling the freebie folks is another whole story. It's why good copywriters make the big bank...because they know how to make you bank with a complete marketing package.

          I've seen copywriters advertise on here.

          I wish you success however you decide to proceed.

          As far as your landing page, I think you've got some good advice from some experienced people on here.

          Hopefully I don't have too many typos cause I did this on my phone.

          Update...well it took me so long to type this I didn't see SARubin answered your question with some good advice.
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  • Profile picture of the author viper2000
    The information you have both provided is fantastic thank you. I will look up the copyranger thankyou SAR
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  • Profile picture of the author seethesun
    I about rolled on the floor when I clicked through and read just this:

    "Are you are a woman over 45 and sick of feeling like there is no solution."

    I don't think you can solve that one. Haha

    Seriously, the first step is to be more specific in the ad. Speak to only one of those people, not everyone.

    What's great about is you can create different ads speaking to each, meaning those that click on one can self-segment. If they sign-up then you can segment them into their specific problem (obesity, diabetes, etc) and use an email sequence and retargeting to speak to them about things they would care about.

    The landing page itself doesn't speak to anyone. The only audience I can tell it's for is tired women over 45, but that's really broad.

    Hit them with their problem, then needle that before getting to your ebook being the solution.

    And talk about the solution. Don't just say my ebook can help. Even though it's "free" that email address is a cost and their time to go through it is a cost. So you still have to sell it. And I'm not really sure what "professionals" have to do with anything.

    I just reread and realized some of that may come across as gruff. I wasn't trying to be, but I'm too lazy to go back and rephrase.

    Best of luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author Diligent Works
    Hi, OP, I came across your topic and would like to offer some quick tips:

    - I would start off with an attention-grabbing headline, instead of a screening headline. The headline is the ad for your ad after all. Once you have grabbed the reader's attention, then qualify them from the first couple of sentences.

    - The offer part of your copy is okay, but it would be better if you build rapport with your readers before you ask them to do anything. Like the previous posts mentioned, highlight their pain points and provide credibility first, then make the offer.

    - The bulk of the copy seems to be focused on the selling points. People make decisions based on emotions, so instead of telling them what your book can do, tell them how your book can improve their lives.

    To illustrate my point, here's a rough copy I have written in 10 minutes.

    --------

    Can You Live a Pain-Free Life? Top Physiologist Reveals How


    Are you fed up of waking up in the wee hours of the night from throbbing pains in your wrists and knees?

    Are the signs of old age making you feeling unhappy and depressed every single day?

    If you wish to liberate joint pains from your life once and for all, and start experiencing happiness once again, click on the button below and sign up for my free ebook.

    Using advice from years of experience as a physiologist, you will learn

    - how to get rid of pain from your joints with simple 2 minute exercises
    - how to live longer and enjoy the great outdoors
    - how to feel happy every day with stress relieving techniques
    - secrets that your doctor doesn't want you to know about painkillers

    Just click on the button below and sign up with your email address today.

    You have nothing to lose, except your pain!

    --------


    Hope that helps! If you have any questions feel free to ask me
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  • Profile picture of the author affmarketer101
    Add more description about pain and SPECIFIC benefits of reading the ebook, so they will have more motivation to download.
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