My first ever sales page - please critique

First off: I am not a professional copywriter! BUT I have been knocking about for a while and I can see enough numerous obvious problems with your salespage that stick out a mile, that I STRONGLY suggest you get (and I mean pay for) professional help with it.
I really think it would be a good investment because you have potentially a very profitable product here, as long as it really does what it says on the box, and I believe that YOU believe in it, but I honestly don't think you are coming close to doing it justice with this salespage.

If you insist on going it alone, here are just a few suggestions that I believe will make a difference -some are drastic, and some of my advice is expressed emphatically, but PLEASE don't take offense, it is all about hopefully getting some results for you


AFTER your headline (and I agree with Mike's excellent replacement suggestion - it should be all about the reader, not about you!) the next few paragraphs all get MUCH too wordy and jumbled and talking about problems and frustrations & I lose interest very quickly. You need to get us DROOLING very quickly -

(Iimagine walking by a bake shop and instead of the smell of fresh baked goods, there is only a window full of signs telling us how hard it is to find a good bakery. You are going to keep walking! But that's what you are doing with your salespage at the moment)

SUGGESTION:
CUT out EVERYTHING that you've got after your headline (you can paste some of it later on if you like but NOT HERE) right up to the green checkmark list you've currently got about 6 paragraphs down. REPLACE "Let's look more closely at the product" (never refer to the product as a product!) with the words: "How would you like to:"

I've messed about with a few things and come up with what I feel is a stronger opening for you:

Dear Traveller,


· Fly First and Business Class almost every time without paying one red cent more. ANYONE can fly at the front of the plane now. With my up-to-the-minute step-by-step guide you may never have to fly Economy again! (note I slightly revised that for you)
· Avoid Queues Forever! Forget long lines at check-in. Speed through Security and be the first to board the aircraft. First and Business Class passengers are IMPORTANT to the airlines and are treated like VIPs. You won't have to wait with the rest of the crowds in future.
· Relax in the Luxury of Airline Lounges. Don't wait around in uncomfortable, crowded airports. Relax in the comfort of the exclusive Airline Lounges. Free food and drink (yes even Cocktails and Champagne) is just the start. Many have showers and even Spas. Free wi-fi, games, magazines and even a hair-cut are all offered to premium passengers.
· Stretch out and Enjoy Flying. Forget cramped cabins, take time to enjoy flying finally. You can stretch out, often convert your seat into a fully flat bed to take a snooze. Relax with the latest movies on your free noise-cancelling headphones or how about and on-board massage? It's all possible when you find out how to fly up front for less.
· Dine in style in the Skies. Don't like "Chicken or Fish"? No problem! Because First and Business Class passengers get plenty of choices for their free meals. How does Lobster Thermidor sound? Maybe you prefer a char-grilled steak or Fillet-Mignon. Washed down with a glass of Champagne of course.
· Arrive Rejuvenated and Refreshed! As among the first people off the plane you will breeze through immigration and customs lines to the waiting arrivals lounge where you can choose to freshen up. The whole experience of Premium travel allows you to arrive refreshed and ready to start your vacation or business trip. Forget jet-lag, make the most of your time away!!



Now at least you've got something that is going to make us want to keep reading - then if you want to tell your stories about how hard it will be to find this secret elsewhere, you can, but keep that to a minimum. We are already here, looking at YOUR page, and I promise you we are much more interested in the benefits YOU can offer.

Just a few more quick observations:

CUT the following:

Make sure you check out what is included in the ebook and decide for yourself if you can't afford to miss out on this opportunity

and replace with:

Here's why you can't afford to miss out on this opportunity:


Your copy is full of spelling and grammatical errors, such as spelling "lose" as "loose" (common error with many folks but totally undermines credibility), so get someone to look it over who can spot them.

TWICE you tell us your story, about hunting for ways to get these cheap fares, -without telling us you found anything! First account ends with "And I didn't find ANYTHING that actually worked." And the second one with "The only people that could afford to fly up front seemed to be millionaires and businessmen (when their company was paying for it)." Better to end by telling us of your "A-HA!" moment of discovery or revelation; otherwise why should we believe you have the answer?

Don't assume that we have spent countless hours trying to figure out how to do this, many of us didn't even know such secrets existed!

PRICE: Why on EARTH are you telling us that your $37 price tag is not "dirt cheap", and then describing it as a "high fee" ?? For crying out loud, you need to be pointing out that it IS dirt cheap!! If it lets me upgrade my flights as often as you say, 37 bucks qualifies as a "drop in the bucket", especially with a money-back guarantee. All that speech about how you don't want to share it with too many people is fine, but use it as a back drop for something more like "That is why I am only willing to offer it at this dirt-cheap price for a VERY limited time - after the next few copies are sold, I intend to return to the regular price of $$$."

There are still many more issues that pro advice could work wonders with.

Hope this helps a little?



Cheers Ken