My first ever sales page - please critique

by Mark_w
12 replies
Hi all,

I've finished checking over my 1st ever sales page. I've had some friends read it and give feedback, and I'd now like to put it under the Warrior microscope.


Caveat
Please note that I don't have any testimonials at the moment, but there is space for them. I've sent some copies out to reviewers and am expecting to have testimonials up in the spaces I've marked out at the start of next week. I also don't have any bonus products, but again there is marked space for 3. Over the next 24 hours I'll be working on writing these.


I'm quite excitied as this is my first ever internet marketing venture and my first ever product that I've written.

neverflyeconomy DOTCOM /ebook-special-offer/
(I can't post a proper link as I don't have 15 posts).

Once again, thanks for taking the time to critique. All feedback is good feedback
#critique #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author MikeHumphreys
    Here's a link to your sales letter: Ebook Special Offer :Never Fly Economy

    A couple pointers and then I have to get to work on my client's project.

    1. If it's a sales LETTER, then where is the opening salutation? You sign off at the end of the salesletter, but you don't open it... not even with a basic "Dear Friend".

    2. Turn your section on "My Story" into a right-hand side bar and put it later in the copy. It's offered too early before you've built any momentum. Remember, the reader wants to know what's in it for him and NOT all about you.

    3. Never use more than one exclamation point in a row to end any sentence. Ever. It's sounds like YOU ARE SCREAMING at the reader.

    4. Your opening pre-head and main headline need to be replaced. Here's an easy revision to give you a better headline:

    You wrote: I've found out How To Fly First Class and Business Class Without Paying For It !

    Small revision that makes more impact with the reader: How To Get First Class and Business Class Upgrades For Free!

    There's a number of other things that need fixing but that's all I have time for now.

    Hope that helps,

    Mike
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    • Profile picture of the author Oscar D
      Originally Posted by MikeHumphreys View Post

      Here's a link to your sales letter: Ebook Special Offer :Never Fly Economy

      A couple pointers and then I have to get to work on my client's project.

      1. If it's a sales LETTER, then where is the opening salutation? You sign off at the end of the salesletter, but you don't open it... not even with a basic "Dear Friend".

      2. Turn your section on "My Story" into a right-hand side bar and put it later in the copy. It's offered too early before you've built any momentum. Remember, the reader wants to know what's in it for him and NOT all about you.

      3. Never use more than one exclamation point in a row to end any sentence. Ever. It's sounds like YOU ARE SCREAMING at the reader.

      4. Your opening pre-head and main headline need to be replaced. Here's an easy revision to give you a better headline:

      You wrote: I've found out How To Fly First Class and Business Class Without Paying For It !

      Small revision that makes more impact with the reader: How To Get First Class and Business Class Upgrades For Free!

      There's a number of other things that need fixing but that's all I have time for now.

      Hope that helps,

      Mike
      Hello,

      Very helpful post. I have sent you a PM about your sig.

      Hope it helps
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      -> FindNewDomains - Domain Finding Service WSO - BONUS: Free Domain Name Included!
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      • Profile picture of the author Mark_w
        Mike,

        Thanks very much for your feedback, your insight is amazing! I am certainly taking on board everything you have said

        Thanks,
        Mark
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        • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
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          • Profile picture of the author Mark_w
            Originally Posted by Alexa Smith View Post

            Mike has made great suggestions above.

            For myself, I think the way you show $149 and $74 crossed out, before the price of $34, in conjunction with the open statement in your PS that this is an "introductory price", is really unfortunate. This business of having two prices scored out and a lower one presented is often overused, in my opinion. I've "said my piece" anyway.

            (I was guessing all the way through that the price was going to be $47 or $49, to be honest - I can't help wondering what "price-point research" you've done and/or whether you're going to split-test on price, but that's a completely different matter).

            Good luck!
            Interesting points. Do you think it is undervalued?

            There are two products that I've identified that are in a similar niche, though neither have the same underlying method as I use so I'm quite unique in that regard. One is priced at $25 and the other at $39.

            What do you mean by split-test on price? Do you mean use Google Web Optimiser tool to show different prices to different people at random and see how it goes?
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    • Profile picture of the author salorsilky
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      • Profile picture of the author kenboss
        First off: I am not a professional copywriter! BUT I have been knocking about for a while and I can see enough numerous obvious problems with your salespage that stick out a mile, that I STRONGLY suggest you get (and I mean pay for) professional help with it.
        I really think it would be a good investment because you have potentially a very profitable product here, as long as it really does what it says on the box, and I believe that YOU believe in it, but I honestly don't think you are coming close to doing it justice with this salespage.

        If you insist on going it alone, here are just a few suggestions that I believe will make a difference -some are drastic, and some of my advice is expressed emphatically, but PLEASE don't take offense, it is all about hopefully getting some results for you


        AFTER your headline (and I agree with Mike's excellent replacement suggestion - it should be all about the reader, not about you!) the next few paragraphs all get MUCH too wordy and jumbled and talking about problems and frustrations & I lose interest very quickly. You need to get us DROOLING very quickly -

        (Iimagine walking by a bake shop and instead of the smell of fresh baked goods, there is only a window full of signs telling us how hard it is to find a good bakery. You are going to keep walking! But that's what you are doing with your salespage at the moment)

        SUGGESTION:
        CUT out EVERYTHING that you've got after your headline (you can paste some of it later on if you like but NOT HERE) right up to the green checkmark list you've currently got about 6 paragraphs down. REPLACE "Let's look more closely at the product" (never refer to the product as a product!) with the words: "How would you like to:"

        I've messed about with a few things and come up with what I feel is a stronger opening for you:

        Dear Traveller,

        Can you keep a secret?

        Discover How To Get First Class
        and Business Class Upgrades For Free!


        Now you can fly First Class and Business Class
        12 months a year

        (Even during a Recession!!!)

        How would you like to:

        · Fly First and Business Class almost every time without paying one red cent more. ANYONE can fly at the front of the plane now. With my up-to-the-minute step-by-step guide you may never have to fly Economy again! (note I slightly revised that for you)
        · Avoid Queues Forever! Forget long lines at check-in. Speed through Security and be the first to board the aircraft. First and Business Class passengers are IMPORTANT to the airlines and are treated like VIPs. You won't have to wait with the rest of the crowds in future.
        · Relax in the Luxury of Airline Lounges. Don't wait around in uncomfortable, crowded airports. Relax in the comfort of the exclusive Airline Lounges. Free food and drink (yes even Cocktails and Champagne) is just the start. Many have showers and even Spas. Free wi-fi, games, magazines and even a hair-cut are all offered to premium passengers.
        · Stretch out and Enjoy Flying. Forget cramped cabins, take time to enjoy flying finally. You can stretch out, often convert your seat into a fully flat bed to take a snooze. Relax with the latest movies on your free noise-cancelling headphones or how about and on-board massage? It's all possible when you find out how to fly up front for less.
        · Dine in style in the Skies. Don't like "Chicken or Fish"? No problem! Because First and Business Class passengers get plenty of choices for their free meals. How does Lobster Thermidor sound? Maybe you prefer a char-grilled steak or Fillet-Mignon. Washed down with a glass of Champagne of course.
        · Arrive Rejuvenated and Refreshed! As among the first people off the plane you will breeze through immigration and customs lines to the waiting arrivals lounge where you can choose to freshen up. The whole experience of Premium travel allows you to arrive refreshed and ready to start your vacation or business trip. Forget jet-lag, make the most of your time away!!



        Now at least you've got something that is going to make us want to keep reading - then if you want to tell your stories about how hard it will be to find this secret elsewhere, you can, but keep that to a minimum. We are already here, looking at YOUR page, and I promise you we are much more interested in the benefits YOU can offer.

        Just a few more quick observations:

        CUT the following:

        Make sure you check out what is included in the ebook and decide for yourself if you can't afford to miss out on this opportunity


        and replace with:

        Here's why you can't afford to miss out on this opportunity:


        Your copy is full of spelling and grammatical errors, such as spelling "lose" as "loose" (common error with many folks but totally undermines credibility), so get someone to look it over who can spot them.

        TWICE you tell us your story, about hunting for ways to get these cheap fares, -without telling us you found anything! First account ends with "And I didn't find ANYTHING that actually worked." And the second one with "The only people that could afford to fly up front seemed to be millionaires and businessmen (when their company was paying for it)." Better to end by telling us of your "A-HA!" moment of discovery or revelation; otherwise why should we believe you have the answer?

        Don't assume that we have spent countless hours trying to figure out how to do this, many of us didn't even know such secrets existed!

        PRICE: Why on EARTH are you telling us that your $37 price tag is not "dirt cheap", and then describing it as a "high fee" ?? For crying out loud, you need to be pointing out that it IS dirt cheap!! If it lets me upgrade my flights as often as you say, 37 bucks qualifies as a "drop in the bucket", especially with a money-back guarantee. All that speech about how you don't want to share it with too many people is fine, but use it as a back drop for something more like "That is why I am only willing to offer it at this dirt-cheap price for a VERY limited time - after the next few copies are sold, I intend to return to the regular price of $$$."

        There are still many more issues that pro advice could work wonders with.

        Hope this helps a little?



        Cheers Ken
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    It looks like you have an interesting product and should do well with it as long as it is positioned properly.

    Things start out fairly good:

    Can you keep a secret?

    I've found out How To Fly First Class and Business Class Without Paying For It !
    But then you fall flat on your face because you cannot immediately justify why you are telling everyone else about it:

    I normally only tell my closest friends about this NEW secret I've discovered
    So why are you telling US about it if you ONLY tell your closest friends???

    Best of Luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    You rant about the competition quite a lot here. The problem
    is you bash them and call them liars, basically, without
    getting specific. That's not the same as "comparative copy"
    which is a method where you compare your product
    head-to-head with "the leading brand".

    You probably won't take my advice because you won't
    want to spend the money to do it:

    Here's what I would do;
    1. sell your product as a printed manual that comes in the
    mail. You'll dramatically reduce refunders and probably
    eliminate file-sharing. Your argument that you are
    paranoid about your information getting around too much
    got me thinking about this... because publishing as
    an ebook guarantees piracy of your work. If you're serious
    about protecting your intellectual property, put it in
    print.

    2: set up a membership site to share updates with
    "inner circle" members. This could be sold as an
    upsell. It could be a continuity offer or a 1-time
    offer. It could be included with the book, but only
    made active once the refund period is over and
    promise more specific and up-to-date information
    about how to save money and live better.

    Really the prototype product for this you should read
    is Ted Nicholas's book "Magic Words That Make You Rich" -
    you can find the salesletter too. It was a pretty successful
    offer in it's time and furthermore it's got a lot of good stuff
    about negotiating hotel rooms, buying cars, antiques,
    houses, and more.
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  • Profile picture of the author mark z
    Since it is your first sales page, it looks great.

    I would like you to suggest you three things:

    1. In "Be Careful" section ("These are the reasons Why We`re Different?"), I would replace all those "X" icons with triangle with exclamation mark icons. Makes more sense to me.

    2. Header looks great. Still, shadow/light position on those three images are somehow strange. I would move (together) TopSecret image and money image on the left of header (in the shadow part), so whole header would looks more natural.

    3. Favicon (url icon) is kind of RSS icon? I guess you want to change that.


    Of course, all those are just my personal suggestions.

    Wish you many happy customers worldwide!
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark_w
    Kenboss,

    Thanks very much for your input. There is some seriously good points in your post. Sadly I don't have the money at this stage to hire a professional copywriter. It is something I will strong consider in a few months once I have some sales under me. Your point about getting the reader drooling is fantastic, I'm going to seriously revise the page based on what you have said.

    Thanks again
    Mark
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  • Profile picture of the author bigchezmktg
    I echo Loren's suggestion about Ted Nicholas' Magic Words That Make You Rich and also Turn Words Into Money. I've got them both and refer to them almost as textbooks more than information on copywriting. They're fantastic and can really change the way you write copy!

    I also wanna give you kudos on how quickly you're implementing the changes being suggested here. Let us know how your conversions are going!
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