Looking for a copy critique (this is rough draft) so tear it apart

12 replies
Just looking for advice on a rough draft I've put together for a new product I'm promoting...

Yes it's old school (non VSL) but my old school non vsl's are still working fairly well seeing gross epc's of $3-$6, which I'm sure ain't any thing to write home about, but no too shabby either.

Here's the url: http://www.leadleviathan.com/1.htm
#copy #critique #draft #rough #tear
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  • Profile picture of the author YourGoToWriter
    I took a quick skimming with the draft. I suggest you consider consistency here: format for emphasis, to use bullet points or numbered lists, etc. You should avoid using too much ellipsis as well.

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  • Profile picture of the author SARubin
    Well, I don't have the time to tear the entire thing apart for you. But, since we're both here, I'll at least give you my first impression...

    Overall, the whole thing is a bit too hypey for my taste. With all of the rhetoric and hyperbole (and the continued inference to the elusive "missing ingredient"); there's lots of fluff... but not much substance.

    Now, I'm certain that I'm not your target market, so take this with a grain of salt (maybe your target audience responds to cheesy hype, and vague analogies?)

    Also, the current headline confuses me a bit.

    "Amazing Newly Updated Real Estate Lead Generator... Many "Tech-Headed" Guru's Secretly Want Banned!"

    I'm not seeing the connection between Real Estate Professionals, and "Tech-Heads." I'm guessing there is one? But it's not clear what that connection is.

    So, for starters, I'd consider testing a few different headlines.

    Then the inconsistent (unclear) message just keeps going...

    There's a lot of hype, and a lot of trigger words going on here, but not a lot of clearly compelling engagement

    I could go on, but my coffee is getting cold. So I'll just finish with this one last tidbit of advice for your consideration...

    You're using an awful lot of ellipses (...) throughout the copy

    The technique of using ellipses...

    ... to keep people reading...

    ... is a viable writing technique...

    ... but when we overuse it...

    ... it tends to...

    ... lose all its impact...

    ... and it makes the the flow of the piece... more frustrating... and "less" engaging to read.

    Of course, everything I've said here is merely my own opinion (based on years of experience) Obviously, the best thing you can do is put it out into the market, and let your audience decide if it's any kind of compelling.

    Anyway, good luck with your venture. And please come back here with your results (response rate) after your final piece goes live, to let us know if this type of copy actually works for your target market. (always interested in knowing what does, and doesn't work)

    All the best,

    If you're spending time and money on advertising, but not getting the results you want to see... I can help you fix that. SARubin - Conversion Flow Specialist

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  • Profile picture of the author copyghost
    I don't know the answer, but do those outdated looking old school sales pages outpull the more modern designs? I haven't used one looking like that in a long time. There are a lot of old inactive pages on the net that look just like that. If I didn't know you, I might not trust it.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan
    It's not bad. I've seen much, much worse.

    I'd raise the price.

    $47 for what you promise seems too good of a deal. Like there must be something wrong. But that's MY money tolerance. I don't know your target market.

    And that's really the key here: who will see this offer.

    If they're more MMO type people, then I think the copy will do fine.

    If they're scaredy-cat former employees who decided becoming a realtor would be a fun idea...it'll probably scare them away.

    It's very "noisy" copy. Not suitable for serious B2B or intelligent B2C. We'll have to see what your target market is made of.

    That errant close-quotes at the end of the first sub-headline (possibly spend")...couldn't discern whether that was a technique or an error.

    You didn't give a reason as to WHY this offer was hyper-urgent. Without that, it's just hype.

    Remove periods at the end of headlines. They stop readers.

    Other than that, the details were fine to me: why they should want this, what they get.

    But the fact of the matter is this: every single time in my 20+ years writing when I figured I knew what the target market valued without me actually talking to them, I was off the mark. They ALWAYS valued something else other than what I valued...wanted a solution to a problem I didn't know existed or wouldn't word quite that way but was ultra-common in their world.

    Get some people in the target market to read this copy, and get THEIR feedback. It'll be far more informative than ours.
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  • Profile picture of the author Johnny12345
    I didn't read the whole thing, but I'll make two quick observations:

    1) The headline is a DISASTER. It lacks clarity and is dripping with hype and nonsense. I suspect your headline will raise a red flag in the mind of your prospect. People are skeptical.

    2) The page design seems to be right out of 1997. It looks old, tired, and dated. That may reduce your conversions (although, you would need to split test it).

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  • Profile picture of the author Nick Million
    One thing that stood out to me was the lack of any proof elements. You should consider putting in some testimonials. Also another idea would be to put photo's or scans of checks from successful deals that were completed thanks to the leads generated by your system.

    I also did notice that your design looks a little dated, but you'll never know if this has an impact on conversions until you test with live traffic.
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    The headline is very confusing...

    Also, the first few lines of the promo read like you're setting up to convince someone to flip houses for a living, but it seems like this product is for people who have already made that decision. You can probably cut and start at "My name is..."

    "Dirt Bag Husband" is confusing, too. It comes out of nowhere and you don't resolve it.

    Looks like you have a lot of experience and credibility, so you should do a better job highlighting that.

    Loads of house pics, what you bought 'em for and what you sold 'em for.

    Then do likewise for the folks you've trained.

    I think you should make a bigger deal about never sending out a postcard again, etc, etc. You can mention that in the headline...

    "The Simple Shortcut That Generates XXX Uber Qualified Real Estate Leads Every Week--Without Blah, blah and blah!"

    I noticed on your order form there's a banner for The Unemployed Investor Education Group. That could be confusing since you don't mention it in the promo... so you should have a section about launching that biz, what you do, how many people you've served, and how this software is the latest offering from The Unemployed Investor Education Group.

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  • Profile picture of the author JohnVianny
    Use VIDEO.

    Instead of this crappy headline for hyperopportunity seeker.
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    • Profile picture of the author DABK
      I am confused.

      How is using crappy copy in a video better than using crappy copy in print?

      Originally Posted by Connann View Post

      Use VIDEO.

      Instead of this crappy headline for hyperopportunity seeker.
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      • Profile picture of the author helisell
        Originally Posted by DABK View Post

        I am confused.

        How is using crappy copy in a video better than using crappy copy in print?
        I don't think he meant use the crappy copy in a video instead.

        I think he meant use video AND a different approach.

        THAT crappy copy in a video, as you say, would be no use.

        Making Calls To Sell Something? What are you actually saying?
        Is there any room for improvement? Want to find out?

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  • Just based on the lead, which is all most people will see:

    This is just a lead generator.

    It's for people who ALREADY have real estate businesses.

    If you want to target the MMO crowd, you need to add a "complete guide" element.

    Otherwise, the fact that your product is for established (or at least beginning) investors means that you're speaking to professionals.

    These are the wrong promises for professionals. They're not stuck in the rat race, dreaming about breaking free. They're already working at breaking free, and frustrated at how their attempts are going. They have different pain points and desired benefits than the MMO, still-dreaming crowd.

    They'll also need more credibility that your product is legit, right from the getgo. You can't just say it's a "newly discovered" lead generator. You need to hint at some detail about it that they would want. A detail that solves a problem they have. "5-minutes per week Lead Generator." "Lead Generator that Weeds Out the "Tire-Kickers."" That kind of idea, although I don't know the market, so there's definitely something better.

    My advice is to become more familiar with your market, read the first chapters of Breakthrough Advertising, and start over.

    EDIT: I went back and skimmed the rest. It does look like you have a product for the "still-dreaming" crowd. The headline/lead should make that clear. Otherwise you lose people who see the headline and think "I'm not ready for a lead-generator yet--I don't even know the first step to take!"
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  • Profile picture of the author splitTest
    It makes me sad for humanity that those kinds of super-hypey pages convert at all.

    You must be sending a sh_t-ton of traffic there if you're getting a decent response.
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