Critique First Copy Draft Please, Suggestions for Draft #2, expert or not.

17 replies
Please critique following sales page.
All ideas, suggestions, constructive criticisms, or angry excuses to vent appreciated.
Sales Letter
#copy #critique #draft #expert #suggestions
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  • Profile picture of the author AlanCarr
    FYI the images are missing.

    There's a whole bunch of punctuation errors all over the place.

    The writing itself is bad.

    None of the above are necessarily deal-breakers. Sometimes ugly sells, as it can seem more authentic and emotional. So, that stuff aside, let's look at your sales message and concepts...

    The sliding text thing is hideous. Kill it.

    OK... my impression? You're over-selling it, and yet under-selling it.

    People don't really care about savings. Savings are meh.

    You need to talk more about the numbers, realistic numbers, and what they could then use the savings for.

    Right now you're selling a negative (save on spending) but what people really want is to spend. So turn it around - spend more on the stuff you like, by saving $xxx each month! or something, see?

    Hope that helps


    This man is living his dream. Are you...?

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    • Profile picture of the author workflow
      Thanks good points. Actually, I mentioned saving money throughout but I meant saving money on purchases as opposed to saving money in the bank which I agree is boring to most people.

      You showed me I need to find ways to do a better job at emphasizing what I meat which is saving money on purchases such as wholesales sources, negotiation techniques, comparison shopping search engines, online auctions, etc. Not miserly stashing money away in the bank, unless that's what they want to do with the money they save on purchases.
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  • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
    Originally Posted by workflow View Post

    Please critique following sales page.
    All ideas, suggestions, constructive criticisms, or angry excuses to vent appreciated.
    Sales Letter

    Your link isn't working for me. Getting a 404.
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    • Profile picture of the author workflow
      Sorry, posted another link. Deleted other by mistake.
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  • Problem I got here is why ask for help from people ain't experts?

    You kinda sayin' ...

    I ain't got no clue ... an' here I am writhin' around in my own brainswamp for a solution -- so why don't you ... O Similarly Maligned Frickin' GOOBER ... come double up on the Zero Fyooture MUDBATH FACTOR?

    Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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    • Profile picture of the author workflow
      Getting experts too! But all opinions count for me. This is a copywriting critique section afterall. Even your opinion counts. Plus, others hopefully can learn from my mistakes. #EgoLeftAtDoor
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  • Profile picture of the author yukon
    Hide all evidence that you ever tried.

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    • Profile picture of the author workflow
      Too late. So I'm going forward. Just starting over.
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  • Profile picture of the author OptedIn
    Your home page has the distinction of being one of the worst that I have ever seen in the history of the Internet. Yes - since its very inception.

    There are many people that advertise in the WF classifieds that could help you with eliminating that profound, personal and business embarrassment.

    Get help, quickly.


    "He not busy being born, is busy dying." - Bob Dylan • "I vibe with the light-dark point. Heavy." - Words that Bob Dylan wishes he had written.

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  • Profile picture of the author workflow
    First thanks to everyone for your response and kick in the butt. Deleted link by accident. (he,he)
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  • Profile picture of the author workflow
    So far my takeaway so far is to look at what no one has mentioned yet as a criticism. The most important parts. The headline, the call to action, the p.s, and the story.
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    • Profile picture of the author GordonJ
      Originally Posted by workflow View Post

      So far my takeaway so far is to look at what no one has mentioned yet as a criticism. The most important parts. The headline, the call to action, the p.s, and the story.
      OK, you want a copy critique? Yes?

      First thing, WHO is your target customer? WHERE will they come from? How will you drive traffic to this page?

      Correct me on anything I write which is wrong, OK?

      You have a tips booklet (ebook, whatever) you want to SELL for 7.99.
      The tips are about SAVING money while shopping?
      It is, apparently aimed at people who don't make enough money to make it through their months.
      You think your tips can help them save enough money to make up the difference.

      What are these people currently looking for online? What Google searches do they use? Are they typing in "saving money on shopping", as I just did, and came up with page after page of FREE tips, some by established experts...including Uncle Sam.

      In fact, the US Govt has tons of info for people who seem to fit your targets.

      The Penny Hoarder has an article ranking on page one of that search on how to save $100.00 a month on groceries.

      Nothing on your page has any reference to how much someone will save, except in your guarantee.

      OK, so I'm searching Google, on saving money, and SOMEHOW, magically get a link to this, and what do I see? The HEADLINE ...Hell, I'm living on less money right now (as a target) I really want to know how to live "better", which has no meaning or context?

      My answer is NO. I don't want to know that. I want to know how to make more money, THEN, I know I can live better. Isn't this what your target really thinks?

      The cartoon characters are making fun of me, the target. I'm looking for something serious, not some cartoon bullshit.

      So, from a copy critique perspective this strikes out in the first 3 seconds, IF, the right target even lands on it.

      Not having enough money to make it through the month is serious business for me, not a cartoonish thing.

      Your next 3 questions should have been answered via whatever means you got them there. OF course, this targret has those, you don't need to ask spurious questions. So copywise, your above the fold headline and intro, the deck copy gets an F. FAIL.

      The layout from a copy look is VERY amateurish, with those big pics and large funky type with all those colors. So the copy below the fold, gets an F. FAIL.

      Call to action? An F. FAIL. Not enough reasons why anyone in that situation should spend THAT MUCH MONEY, when Google gives them all that for FREE.

      Credibility: F
      Testimonials. F
      Persuasiveness. F-

      Overall copy CRITIQUE: Not even ready for OUR, even amateur, eyeballs. Start over.

      And you're welcome too.


      PS. Your guarantee is RIDICULOUS. HOW will they save $799.00 in the next 90 days, or 266.00 a month, even Penny Hoarder only offers a 100 dollar a month savings. Better be prepared for a massive REFUND rate.
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      • Profile picture of the author workflow
        Thanks for the butt chewing. Although I may not be able to sit for a week. #LearningFromMistakes
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        • Profile picture of the author GordonJ
          Originally Posted by workflow View Post

          Thanks for the butt chewing. Although I may not be able to sit for a week. #LearningFromMistakes
          It appears you are using CSS, and some basic HTML, set margins or use a border, then check it in all 3 major browsers, IE, FIREFOX AND CHROME. Then check on mobile.

          You have selected a difficult market to make money in, people who can't afford even your very low cost report, so, any back ends (which is where the real money is in IM) is going to be hard to get.

          GIVE them money in your headline.

          Again, depending on where the traffic comes from and what it is searching for. But something more dollar slanted.

          You can put an extra $100.00 to $200.00 in your pocket instantly. Here's how:

          Your extra money comes from SAVING money on the things you currently buy. Like groceries. You may be paying too much. Same for other goods and services.

          You can save money, and have enough to make it through your month.

          Now, you may get their attention. Now tell your story, in a few brief paragraphs, tell how you were able to put SAVINGS from shopping into your wallet. BRIEFLY. It is about them, not you.

          Then go into some SPECIFIC examples, like maybe comparing items, like they do at ALDI'S, a very successful strategy for them, show how some products are way over priced because of packaging.

          Use dollars, show how they can save 5 bux by buying at Walmart, or other savings centers. Show how having a menu, a budget, how shopping, couponing, etc. can work.

          How it worked for you, and others.

          Use a few of those 200 tips, give them a couple of the best ones, give them a taste of what you have to offer.

          Keep the graphics to a minimum, some stores used to fill up shopping carts (many still do) and compare them, filled with the exact same products and the AMOUNT OF DOLLARS saved.

          See, your target NEEDS those extra dollars, assure him/her they are there, and your tips will help them locate that hidden money.

          Now, you have a couple things to build off of. The page number references, and some of the bullet points are not bad. Could work them in.

          Remember this: HOW THEY GOT THERE, Source of traffic determines what you say.

          Once there, GET THEIR ATTENTION immediately, be serious about money, they are.

          Tell them the big reason you have for them, putting money into their pocket, instantly. Which happens when they save on what they buy routinely, eh?

          Then give them a couple great tips up front, so they see HOW this works. You don't need the hype you have on the end of your current effort, forget that double back guarantee.

          So, yea, it needs a lot of work, but, if you insist on trying to serve this TARGET market, you have to think it through, and determine if what you have couldn't be adjusted toward a more "middle class" family, your current target runs out of money before the month is out.

          So THAT IS THEIR PROBLEM, give them a solution, getting money to last by saving money on what they spend.

          Good luck.

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  • Profile picture of the author Abigail Beal

    I don't see your letter & it sounds like you've gotten some great critiques.

    I simply wanted to add a tip for when you are writing.

    Before you start to write, get your favorite snack/beverage, something to treat yourself. Now, picture that ideal customer, the one who is going to click the "buy" button. Who is this person?

    Spend a couple of minutes really visualizing this person. What fashions do they like, what hobbies do they have, what TV or movies do they watch or don't watch, do they have pets? where do they go on vacation, etc. You can see - make this person feel realistic. If you're in the mood, go ahead and give this person in your imagination a name.

    NOW write your copy FOR that person you know is going to click the "buy" button. What do they want to hear about? What features get them excited? What problems do they want to solve? What keeps them up at night?

    Yes, this sounds a little out of the box, but I recommend giving it a try. I hope it is helpful and wish you great success with your next draft of the copy!
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