by Jango
4 replies
Just wrote this salesletter for my client and I'd love to hear your opinion. Do you think it will get the job done? Get leads for my client. Here is the link
http://avinoams.co.il/eng/shin-tours/
#opinion
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  • Profile picture of the author boblev
    The title was interesting but kinda clunky I thought . in my rewrite i tried to focus on what the perfect prospect would want if they were looking for a non traditional vacation.


    I did a simple rewrite below keeping most of your elements in tact....


    Our Reclusive and Rugged Young Israeli Travel Guides Will Take You Behind The Scenes For A Once In a Lifetime Trip to Israel, Filled With The Most Unique and Amazing Experiences You Could Ever Imagine!




    and a full one here, you are welcome to use it it you like it.or parts of it....


    If you're sick of tourist traps and ready for adventure! Experience Israel, and see what an amazing vacation can be! Participate as our expert guides lead you off the beaten path for an experience you will never forget.


    The sales letter looked pretty good, it kept me engaged but I don't really have the time to go through it line by line.

    These are just my opinions, go with your gut.....


    Bob
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  • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
    A couple of quick comments...

    1)The "48 hours" is really confusing. I thought it referred to a 48 hour tour of Israel, and I thought, who the heck goes that far for only 48 hours. Then when I read more carefully, I wondered who the heck cares that it only takes you 48 hours to come up with the holiday plan. (If that is what you meant.)

    2)The word "vacation" is off. People don't normally go to Israel on a "vacation." It's not that kind of destination. People go there either on a pilgrimage or to visit the country in depth. "Grown up summer camp" is even worse.

    3)You spend too much time disparaging "the same old guided tours" instead of selling unique insider access to the real Israel.

    4)I don't know who your target market is. Is it families? Is it adventure travelers? Is it Christians or Jews? (Christians usually call Israel the "Holy Land" but Jews do not.)

    5)You should be shot for grammatical bloopers like "That is not the kind of trip we offer our client's!"

    6)"Hala Bread" is usually spelled "Hallah" or "Challah."

    7)The guide profiles are excellent.
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  • Profile picture of the author ezekielfaust
    It's a bit long and the CTA is rather repetitive for me.

    Consider mixing in more creative content like quotes, one-liners, and more images/ collages
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