Could you please give me feedback the first sales letter I wrote for my copywriting services?

6 replies
Hi All,

I'd really appreciate any feedback you could give me on this letter. It's the first one I have done and I have rewritten it a few times already. I took out all the contact information so it won't be promotional.


How Working with COMPANY NAME Can Boost Your ROI, Set Your Company Apart, and Lower Your Blood Pressure

Φ The Creed
Unlike many copywriters, I don't care about flashiness. I don't write with my ego. I only write to increase your ROI or return on investment, and to help you set your company apart from the competition.

For most of the small to medium businesses that I serve, they can't afford to spend thousands on marketing if it doesn't work and doesn't give them dramatic results.

I strive to give you marketing and advertising writing that either brings in more money than it costs or helps strengthen the image of your company. Either way it is really valuable writing. No gimmicks, half naked ladies used to sell products (I don't do graphic design anyway), and no words that don't sell.

Φ Lower My Blood Pressure?
I know that in your business the stakes are high; I want to make your life easier. Every day, you have enough things going wrong and enough days where your head feels like it will explode.
You need a good copywriter. But you also need someone who is relaxing to work with and who always meets deadlines. I am that copywriter.

My goal is to make your time with me as convenient as possible. And if you find you're more relaxed, and I think you will, your blood pressure will go down.

Φ This Summer Only: Free Ten-Hour Writing Project
Finding a good freelance writer can be really hard. Finding one you trust can be harder than finding the right lover.

I know you're concerned about the skill, professionalism, and even the personality of the people you choose to hire. And you don't want to just take me for my word when I say I write well.
So, until September 21st 2018, I am offering new clients their first project for free. Because I can't work for free forever, the project must take less than 10 hours to complete. After you get the writing, I think you'll want to continue working with me, but if you don't, there's absolutely no obligation.

Getting a free project means you can see that I can write, and you can see what working with me will be like. It means taking the first step in showing you that I am trustworthy and here to help.

But if my schedule fills before the deadline, and I feel that I can't take on any more work, I'll end this offer before the date. For the fastest way to get in touch with me, call my personal phone at to schedule a ten-minute meeting today; this way, you can be sure to get the offer.

Φ How Do I Know You're the Right Writer for Me?
I am not the right writer for every company, and there are some areas I don't feel comfortable in like T.V. commercial writing, and speech writing. If I am not qualified to do your project, I will tell you before we start.

The best way to know for sure is to look at my portfolio at URL
Or to schedule a ten-minute meeting. During the meeting I'll ask you a few questions to determine what your goals are and if I'd be a good fit for you. I can also tell you more about past work I've done.

Φ What I Specialize in
My specialty is online and print marketing writing with a focus on ROI and positioning. There are a lot of more specific topics that I am not an expert in, but I can write about after careful research and studying.

I have written about topics like impaired driving legislation, private catering, trade expos, LGBT travel, hip-hop luxury jewelry, Chinese culture, historical societies and others that I am not a field expert in.


Φ More Information about Me
Go to my website to see my list of services, portfolio, client list, blog and more about what I do: URL

Φ Free Ten-Minute Consultation
If you work in Manhattan, The Five Boroughs, or Long Island I would be willing to come to you for an introductory meeting. If not, I am available for a free telephone meeting to talk about your project. Call me at or email me at EMAIL.

I expect my schedule to fill up by September. And I take projects based on who calls me first. For the best chance of getting your first project free, and catching me with an open schedule, call me today.

Φ Qualifications
I am a relative newcomer to copywriting, but because I have been writing at a professional level for around a decade, my writing skills are well above an amateur level. Since I have started my copywriting business, I have worked with many different kinds of writing, for many different clients.

I graduated from Stony Brook University where I studied and practiced journalism for years.
I also spent more than a year teaching English for a company in Guangzhou, China. There I studied English grammar and Mandarin Chinese, and I helped my company with their marketing and sales writing.

To see exactly what experience I have please go to my portfolio.

Testimonial:

"I am writing this letter first off to confirm that Nicholas Vetri did help out my small catering company with delivering the services of copy-writing. Nicholas has done this with great skill, but Nicholas has also gone over and beyond by getting my name out there with bigger organizations. I highly recommend Nicholas in his capacity in what he is doing. He is friendly young man with great willingness to do the work he has promised and needs no reminding or checking up on his progress.
Well done Nicholas!"
Marius du Plessis- owner of Cooking Bald private catering.

Φ Call Now for a Free Project While There is Time in my Schedule
Call me today to schedule a free, ten-minute meeting to see if I'd be right for you. I may be available to write for you later, but the free project will only be around until September, if that. So call me today. I'll give you a free project, and you'll see how high-quality, practical writing can revolutionize your marketing.

Call me:
Write me:
Visit me:



Nicholas Vetri 7/20/2018

Please note that my phone number will change after August 28th, 2018. But my email and URL will be the same.

P.S.
Never underestimate the value of good marketing writing. I hope you'll give me a chance to show you what I can do, free of charge.
#copywriting #feedback #give #letter #sales #services #wrote
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  • Profile picture of the author OptedIn
    War and Peace was a quicker read.
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    "He not busy being born, is busy dying." - Bob Dylan • "I vibe with the light-dark point. Heavy." - Words that Bob Dylan wishes he had written.

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  • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
    Nicholas, the headline on a sales letter has to make a prospect want to read on. At the moment, yours isn't doing that job.

    I wouldn't use the term "ROI" in a heading. It's a given that any business wants to increase profits. You need to tell them why they should listen to you.

    Set your company apart? Too wishy washy to be much of a come-on.

    Lower your blood pressure? Not much of a selling point, unless you're marketing drugs.

    Find the real pain points that trigger a reaction in your target market and craft a headline that forces them to take notice. After that, the rest of your sales letter will take care of itself.
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    Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. (Author unknown)

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  • Profile picture of the author SARubin
    Hey Nicholas,

    I see some things in here that look OK. And there's also a couple things that made me wrinkle my nose a bit.

    First, I'm curious about how you're pre-selling yourself to get people to read this letter.

    Are you sending this letter directly to a targeted audience? (mailing it to business owners?)
    Or is this going to be a webpage, where you send traffic directly to it, from an ad?
    Or are you presenting it to warm traffic that you've already started a relationship with?

    Because if it's cold traffic (people who aren't already pre-sold on your skills), then the first thing I'd recommend is strengthening up the headline quite a bit. (which is a good idea at any rate)

    Originally Posted by Nicholas Vetri View Post

    How Working with COMPANY NAME Can Boost Your ROI, Set Your Company Apart, and Lower Your Blood Pressure
    Right now it's not really calling out any particular audience... And other than some vague references to "off the cuff" and "abstract" benefits, it's not even giving me any clues about what it is you do. (or why I should listen to you)


    As far as your target market...

    Is it safe to assume your target audience already works with copywriters, or at least knows the value of working with one?

    I'm guessing this is the case because you don't present any reasons "why" they need a copywriter in the first place. Which would mean your task is to convince them that YOU are worth hiring.

    With that in mind... The overall feel of your letter reads like you're attempting the "sincere, low pressure" approach? Which is fine, in and of itself. But some of your letter is coming across as a "lack of confidence" on your part.

    Here's a couple sentences I just pulled from your copy...


    Originally Posted by Nicholas Vetri View Post

    I strive to give you marketing and advertising writing that either brings in more money than it costs or helps strengthen the image of your company.
    Don't tell me you're going to "strive" to give me my moneys worth... Tell me you "will" give me my moneys worth. And if for some reason you don't... "then you're going to fix it, and make it right!"

    (On a side note: How are you going to prove your original promise of ROI, on copy that only "helps to strengthen the image of a company" ?)


    Originally Posted by Nicholas Vetri View Post

    After you get the writing, I think you'll want to continue working with me,.
    How about... After you get the writing, I know you'll want to continue working with me


    Originally Posted by Nicholas Vetri View Post

    I hope you'll give me a chance to show you what I can do
    I shouldn't even have to tell you what's wrong with this sentence.


    There's also some other stuff in there, that reads like you're not very confident in your own abilities.

    I'm not saying you should be arrogant, or cocky (because that might be a turn-off for some people). But if you're unsure of the product you're selling (which in this case is yourself) then it comes through in your writing.

    And if you don't believe in yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to?

    Right now I'd recommend you walking away from this piece for a day or two. And get your mind focused on what you bring to the party, and the confidence you feel about knowing you can improve the sales copy for your clients (and how you'll improve their business as a result)


    Then come back to your page, and write it like you mean it!


    And if you need a couple affirmation mantras, here ya go...

    YOU are the man who's going to save these business owners from their own lackluster copy.

    YOU are going to give them copy that will get their clients to take notice.

    YOU are worth every penny you charge. And while you may offer an introductory consultation for free, you don't need to give away 10 hours of your valuable time for free.

    Anyway, something to think about


    All the best,
    SAR
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    "It all boils down to psychology, and numbers"
    SARubin - Direct Response Copywriter / Advertising and Marketing Aficionado
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  • Profile picture of the author ryanbiddulph
    Looks solid Nicholas.

    A few suggestions:

    - do not work for free; this emits a vibe that attracts tire kickers who won't pay you....meaning you land cheap clients referring you to cheap clients. Your service is valued! Believe dat, and paying clients will agree, and pay you. You're a professional. Allow your sales letter to reflect this fact.

    - build your copywriter friend network. Most of us are uncomfortable selling ourselves yet put hours into trying to get clear on selling, on our sales letter, on us. But when you meet and befriend pros who refer you to other clients, you get around trying so hard to sell self, and business finds you through trusted friends, who refer you to trusting clients. Fun, easier way to do it. Takes some time but I prefer easy and patient over hard and......not making any money LOL.

    Ryan
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    Ryan Biddulph, Blogger, Author, World Traveling Digital Nomad
    If you want to become a full time blogger you can buy my eBook here
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    • Profile picture of the author Nicholas Vetri
      Thanks, that's good advice. How did you go about meeting other copywriters? I know of meetups and facebook groups but actually I haven't looked into it enough. It's definitely something I'll think about adding into my repertoire.
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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    You have received some good feedback so far. But just a cursory look at
    your letter and I see that you're breaking the MAJOR rule of copywriting.
    You are speaking about yourself and not the client. Look at the number of
    "I" statements compared to "you" statements. Even when you are speaking
    about yourself you have to make it about the client.

    For example: "Φ What I Specialize in" could be "What You Get By Hiring Me"


    -Ray Edwards
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    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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