Brand new here - Also looking for a critique

10 replies
Hello everyone!

Since learning about the existence of copywriting nearly 2 months ago, I have become an internet info junkie. Learning all I can get my hands on along with reading some books.

I absolutely fell in love with it.

I'm sure most of you here have as well.

From the Halbert letters to John Carlton (whom is one of my favorite especially since I found cw at my age of 34, while he was 33) it's amazing to see how powerful the written word of sales is.

Although I'm new and maybe this is sort of sudden to post something for a critique, I'm eager to just get some feedback from those who know exactly what to look for and understand what copy even is.

What I might think is good with my own writing, still being new... I may miss some things that could make it much better.

Below is a "spec" email I came up with for a bodyweight training product.

I look forward to your feedback and getting familiar with those who are frequent posters here.

The email subject line (with using me as example) is:

Subject: Mike, I couldn't wait...

Hey Michael,

If you've been feeling defeated at the gym, I just found a way to kill the barbell.

I remember feeling so defeated by weight lifting. You see other guys lifting heavy with their big muscles and you can barely bench half your own body weight.

Before I get to what I found let me share what's happened in the last 3 weeks.

I've managed to gain..

-More explosive strength.
-More endurance during my workouts.
-A leaner physic without changing my diet.
-And I've used muscles I didn't even know I had.

Look, to be honest I have no idea how to share this with you because I'm so excited.

You need to see this for yourself.

Click the link below to watch the 3 minute video.

It will change your life...

And your workouts!

[ link goes here ]

Talk soon!

Michael Brian

P.S. You can get the same results within 30 days and best of all there's no risk!

I had the PAS method in mind when writing this out. I even sent to to my own inbox to make sure the first line sentence read enough to reveal some curiosity (along with the subject line).

Thanks all!
#brand #critique
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  • Profile picture of the author MMCopy
    The subject line is good.

    Who is Michael Brian and why would I read his email? There is no introduction.

    The minute this came into my inbox, it would be deleted if I have no idea who you are unless I purchased from you before.


    Are you writing to prospects or buyers?
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    • Profile picture of the author Copylifemike
      You make a good point.

      This is me just working on some "spec" emails to utilize as examples for a portfolio.

      I'd like to create a few to show off work if asked to see anything.

      I searched for a random product and just sort of went with the flow.
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      • Profile picture of the author MMCopy
        Mike,

        It's good to create pieces for your portfolio. Most clients will ask you to provide writing samples, especially if you haven't previously had clients.

        You have a good start but remember the 5 W's in your opening statement, Who, What, Where, Why, When.

        Do you have a website or LinkedIn profile? These will add to your credibility as a copywriter and can display your portfolio among other things like your ideal client, your niche, who you are and what you can do for them.

        Good Luck.
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        • Profile picture of the author Copylifemike
          So if you would to add an example of the W's as an opening, what should I consider?

          Currently I do not have a LinkedIn profile. I should look in to utilizing one though.
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          • Profile picture of the author MMCopy
            Who you're talking to - personalize it though I've heard that a lot of times, you don't even need that. At least that's what my instructor told me. He mostly does emails in the Affiliate space and hasn't personalized emails for years for his clients.

            Where you're coming from - company or website and can direct your audience to a call to action.

            What you're talking about - which product, service or offer

            Who - is your target audience

            Why - You're contacting them because...You have something to solve a problem their having. Why does your audience care about your product or service? What benefits do you offer and why is it better than your competitors?

            When - What is the time element? Why is it important or urgent now?

            Definitely get your LinkedIn profile set. Make sure you set your niche, not just Email Copywriter. What kind of copywriting? What is your niche? What are you good at? Pursue something that you're knowledgeable about. Since you're new, you want to stick to specifics instead of generalizing. You can branch out later.
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            • Profile picture of the author Copylifemike
              Thanks for the W's.

              I'll keep those in mind.

              Niche wise my thoughts were to surround myself with the health and fitness area.

              People are starving in that space and the hunger doesn't seem to slow down.

              I've hung around forums, read articles, and searched for methods of getting fit for years. It's an easy space for me to relate and bring up that empathy of what others might be feeling.

              I think the real estate space could be decent to tap as well for some projects. Real estate agents rely heavily on promotion and if they don't know how to speak to their market, they'll fall short of conversions and bringing traffic to their listings.

              Looking at both could be a good start to get the wheels going in terms of creating a list of leads and getting out there.

              However long term I think the health industry is where the money can grow and people remain hungry.

              Real estate agents can struggle financially which means lower budgets to outsource or maybe more objections to want the right services. They depend highly on their market and what's in their pockets.

              Sadly in health and fitness, most ppl spend without even a second thought. It's a good place to educate and poke the bear at the same time.
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  • Profile picture of the author ryanbiddulph
    Looks solid to me Mike.

    I'd start blogging today. Like right now Building your name so folks:

    - become familiar with you
    - know you
    - like you
    - trust you

    adds power to your copy.

    Example; you say this product will change your life. Cool. Who says it? You. Who are you? Before I trust any advice, I vet the source. Vetting involves seeing your entire body of work, from blog to business. Since you are new the work will be scant and your blog thin, which is why you want to start blogging now. Buy your domain and hosting, begin creating helpful, free content and Michael Brian will slowly but steadily gain some clout online.

    All the best. Don't weight trip hehehe

    Ryan
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    Ryan Biddulph, Blogger, Author, World Traveling Digital Nomad
    If you want to become a full time blogger you can buy my eBook here
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    • Profile picture of the author Copylifemike
      Thanks Ryan.

      I felt it was prett solid too and attached it to my Google drive as one spec to use.

      Recently I've been thinking of blogging. My site is fully up and complete. Just need to add that aspect to it.

      My one thought is what exactly should I be writing about?

      My niche skill is to stick with email copy. I want to get myself specializing out the gate because I know the positives long term.

      I also want to work on my skill so much that I do one day master my craft.

      I guess my blog can be based on everything I've learned or come across with emails and copy in general.

      Maybe I'll start by posting once per week and slowly I'll increase that to posting more frequent.

      I appreciate the feedback. Was better then expected and feels like a win considering I'm so new.
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  • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
    Brand new here - Also looking for a critique
    Princess Alert! Princess Alert! Princess Alert!

    headline like that, tbh I wanna punchya in the frickin' face.

    (an' I am so supersmart here I AIN'T EVEN READ YR POST)

    Wanna know why I say that?

    Lookit that SPOTLIGHT ON THE Also.

    Plus also, most stuffs follows a hyphen or em dash kinda adds value 'steada squirtin' MONSTER SUBTRACTIONIALISTICS down evrywan's throat, where'er they be, an' from whate'er angle they be comin'.

    You brand new here, then WHAT IS YR BRAND?

    Thing I figure is ... MILKIN' ON TEATY.

    So here is what I woulda said here ... as a Princess don't make no sense to nowan listnin; ...

    BRAND NEW HERE! HI!

    [there follows immense fluff 'bout bein' a cat wrangler from Milwaukee -- sumthin' sweet an' personal to max the emo outta evrywan an' PROPULSE THEIR SOULS ONBOARD yr WANNA WANNA.)


    Next part figures THE ESSENTIALS.

    Which is mebbe ...

    I ain't never killed nowan, plus I prolly house yr granma for a few days less'n she nag on my ass for sum alternative benevolent goddess I clearly AM NOT.

    Spill that kinda heart-ramrodded dynamite, u win 'em over always, tellya.

    That is when demands for ALSO greet the productively exotic in ways hyphen or em dash the balance out in your favor.

    (But remembah ... you must SHOW on this, not TELL.)

    WHY, PRINCESS -- I'VE ONLY BEEN HERE FOR LIKE 5 MINUTES AND I FEEL LIKE I KNOW YOU INTIMATELY ALREADY


    Yeah, so 1000 bux gets you OUTTA THE LOUSYHOLE -- less'n you still wanna run with ALSO as an afterthought.
    Signature

    Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff together.

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  • Profile picture of the author rihuan
    thanks, tor advice.
    If you are an interesting person, you must interest in Blu Ray Player and how to play Blu Ray on PC. Look here; there is a great way to teach you to do it.
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