Opinions Needed On My Sales Page

More compelling headline? Could you maybe give me an example?

My traffic source is my own blog which receives more than 200,000 users per month, Facebook (group 14K users, page 25K users) and twitter (14K users).

And I'll try to posting to the copy writing subofrum as well, thank you for the info.

Looks like it's the first thing his visitors see on the homepage, and he's got a sticky sidebar banner that isn't revealed until the visitors do some scrolling. Maybe the Adsense block is more valuable atm than the banner.

Tbh don't ya think this is the kind of site most of us would love to work with because we could do a hell of a lot with it, so much potential here.

On the surface that sounds pretty good... considering the existing copy.

But if I were you I'd hire a professional copywriter because it sounds like you're losing a crap-ton of sales right now.

The only adjustment I noticed was the "A" in the title...

I won't even call it a headline.

In fact maybe it would be a better sub headline after an actual attention grabbing one.

I will just say this as this is the second last be link sales page critique I've seen within the last week....

Copywriting is not just smashing thugs together. It's a system and you either oil it well or it's going to come out rusty and break.

It's not an over night process.

In fact a single short copy sales letter can sometimes take a few days after revisions and editing to come out perfect and make sales happen.

This over night adjustment based on a couple of feedback is just rushed work.

Writing is almost more powerful than speaking.

Actually in my opinion writing is more powerful.

Why? Because you have focused and concisely places words on paper. Which means it's purposeful.

This rushing through adjustments tells me one thing. You don't honor your business enough and value the service you're providing to really help others.

You just want more sales versus what it has accomplished as is.

You want to quickly race to the finish line.

Do you realize this is why 90% of businesses fall short on their homepage and about me page of their website?

Those are the two most visited pages and most memorable.

Yet, if they don't get those pages right - they've lost at least 50% of what could've been converted.

A single email sales letter can have a 400% ROI if written with proper copy.

Do you understand the power behind that?

This is YOUR sales letter.

A single representation that puts your service in the flashing lights saying IM THE RIGHT FIT FOR YOUR PAIN AND NEEDS.

Why are you rushing through this overnight editing stuff and throwing it up there?

Nothing was changed from what I see.

I know crap about football and yet you don't have a single sentence that gives me any emotion to even want to know crap about football.

Including myself you had at least 3 people mention the headline yet the only thing you add to it or change was the "A"??

Come on.

Not trying to be harsh, but as a newly found love for copywriting and as a upcoming business owner for copywriting - that ticks me off.

Why? Because I understand the mindset of it, the preparation of it, the time, hardwork and effort of it.

It is a craft just like any other specialized skill set.

Care about it more and you will see the results come easier.

When people click your link, you need to remember something...

You are taking their time from them. They are willing to trade their time with you.

Sloppy copy or copy that is written fast without any real aim towards the reader just disrespects their time and is a waste.

And you're current copy isn't horrible. There's a few adjustments and additions that can really turn it around night and day.

But you're not taking in what's suggested and your rushing to slam it up there again.

Empathy. Focus on that feeling.

How it feels to be a rookie or an amateur always making mistakes or not knowing enough to turn games around in their favor.

Give me the damn emotion!

I don't care about the features of how to...

I care about the results!

What exactly is this going to do for me??

What exactly am I going to become after reading this and implementing what's taught?

How will I feel after?

You're cheating yourself if you don't put in the work and care in craftin this correctly.

No advice will help you unless you take the proper mindset and learn how to see the elements of proper copy.

Here's an idea for you -

[HEADLINE] - To those who won't settle for less than being better than the top coach

Qualifying - Headline talks to only those who take action and are serious.

Or if you want to be more dramatic -

[HEADLINE] - STOP and imagine being better than the top coach on the field

[Sub-head] Are you tired of looking like a mediocre coach that doesn't lead their team to victory as much as you'd like?

Triggers a possible frustration or pain problem.

[Body] Well I'm here to tell you I once felt the same exact way

The last 24 years of my coaching career has been quite the journey.

I once started out just like you...

New, didn't have a clue how to lead a team, challenging to learn the rules of the game,

I often felt embarrassed.

In fact, other coaches would sometimes laugh at me or talk behind my back.

Starts to develop the story, further peak the interest, engage the reader...

BUILD, BUILD, BUILD. Can you see where this could lead the reader? Can you see how this will start to provoke emotions?

Hope this helps direct you in a better direction.

There's no way of pleasing everyone, so I went with what would please me as an FM player.

And yes, conversion went up, got 10 sales from 100 visits. But you have to understand that a lot of these people are coming from my blog (99% of them). Some are just interested in what I'm offering as they have been following my work for 10 years now.

I still haven't started promoting this in a proper way, wanted to see what everyone here had to say and act on the suggestions you've pitched here.

And for the P.S. part, yes I have future products in mind. The game has been released for nearly 30 years now, and will continue to do so, so every year there will be a need for some kind of guide.

Much improvement.

Focus less on opinions...

What have been the results since the change of this page??

It was definitely the right move for you and if the results have increased from previous, than you have yourself a solid winner.

I found one typo btw...

Mid page - after the last testimonial the word "realise" should be realize.

Other than that the copy looks pretty solid to me.

Let us know about the results.

In the end that's what matters more than opinions.

Mike

Yes, a couple of opinions. Are you still testing? I think the second box is the headline, not you. Quickly become a master of Football Manager without decades of experience.

The questions don't work. Why are they there, OF COURSE they want to become a master, why ask them redundant questions? Instead of before we start, cut all that out and lead with IN THE NEXT FEW MINUTES...and who you are. A lot of wasted space in the deck copy.

You have said, these people know what it is all about, so give them what they came for, quickly. Just don't need the questions in there, do you?

GordonJ

Then from there, it looks pretty good. Also, to your spelling error, copylifemike, you need to learn what the English preferences are
outside of USA. Realise is the preferred spelling in both UK and Oz. But they both are ok.