Yes, it can be nerve wracking to put yourself out there and have strangers on the internet pass judgement on your creation. But that's also one way how we grow and get better. So, I'll offer you my (gentle) opinion...

Of course, the only way to know for sure if your copy is any good, is to test it.

If you get a good response... then it's good.
If you don't... then it's not.

But that said... there's a couple things I see that might lower your response rate...



The first thing I'm curious about is the headline that says...



It makes me ask... I'm making "what" way too hard?

Mike, you already know how important the headline is to sales copy. So I'd recommend taking a step back and looking at it from an outside point of view.

Does that headline really speak to your audience? (Does it call out your target market? Or touch on a problem? Or touch on a solution to a problem? Or offer any benefit?)

At least your subhead...

"Any business can improve sales and increase customer acquisition by improving their email marketing copy because it's powerful"

starts to touch on a benefit.


Other than that... The main thing I'd recommend, Mike, is getting to the point a little quicker in your copy.

Business people are usually busy. And with B2B sales copy it's generally better to get to the point a little quicker.

Right now, you're spending most of your real estate talking about your readers work day.

And I get it, you're trying to build rapport by conveying that you understand their frustrations.

But I'm 2/3 of the way down your page, and I'm still not sure exactly what it is you're going to do for me?

Your overall concept has potential, and the bones of your page look OK.
But I'd suggest tightening it up a bit, and presenting your solution a bit sooner in the copy.


Hopefully you'll take this small critique with the helpful intent that it was meant.


All the best,
SAR

Hi Michael,

Well, I would not hire you from this sales page. You are way too long-winded. You are NOT focused on the reader. Instead you come across as self-conscious, preening and awkward.

You need to learn the art of starting right away, without throat clearing, apologies or preliminaries. I see this all over your draft. For example, on the About page, you need to start with the real point, not with a warmup. Who cares what you promise about this page? Who cares that you live in Florida and are a foodie? That has no relevance whatsoever with why someone would click on this page. Start this page with a strong and meaningful sentence that has definite content and demonstrates why someone should hire you.

I really think you need some sessions with a good editor who can teach you how to start strong, because this is essential for emails as well as for web copy. If you write emails the way you wrote here, they won't be read, because they assume that people have endless patience and curiosity. We don't. You need to learn how to XXX out everything that delays the real substance, how to eliminate all filler, so you can be punchy rather than wandering and boring.

This is something that can definitely be learned. I remember when I was young and trying to write fiction, and a published novelist whose writing group I attended returned a story to me with red ink all over it. He said, "I haven't butchered your writing, I have shaved it." It was a lesson I have never forgotten. Cross out every paragraph, every word, every syllable that doesn't contribute to the message. Your writing then becomes stronger, clearer and more powerful.

Without that lesson, I would not have been able to earn a living as a wordsmith. Yes, it was that valuable, and it's something I still apply every day in my work nearly 40 years later.

Marcia Yudkin

I have a couple of questions, and an observation to make. First, my observation based on your WF posts the last few weeks.

Your intelligence and maybe even arrogance is going to be your biggest enemy. You are a quick study, have a good command of the language, have learned fast and the copy lessons you've read and studied show through your posts.

You post from a book knowledge, and the advice you've given is fine enough, because it came from someone who did it. Your inexperience also shows through.

The two people who have already responded are worthy of your time and study. Yet, I get the feeling, and maybe I'm wrong, you are already blowing off most of their comments because you have an idea in your mind, based upon your studies of what and how you want to do things. Hope I am wrong.

I'm with Marcia, I would not hire you based on this copy.

But, I'd like to know WHO you intend to get to read it and how? Where is the traffic coming from, how will you get busy business people to this site? Because as it was mentioned, you better "tell them QUICK and tell them TRUE, or they will say the hell with you"...

If you somehow get a busy business person who is interested in doing email marketing or improving the email marketing they are already doing, then you need a throat grabber.

A stopper. A preoccupational interrupter. And you have made the rookie mistake, as most do, your site is not about you. Or shouldn't be.

You want people to hire you? Get your ego out of the way. You need to rewrite the site, and apply what you have learned from your copywriting mentors, and less formula, less trying to get into their shoes, because you take forever to get there, and more money in their pocket, today as opposed to next week. See?

You could become a copy superstar, and I mean that sincerely, but based upon your posts here, and what you have shown us, you need to hold off a week or so before hanging out your "Professional" Copywriter shingle.

GordonJ

Marcia & Gordon -

Thank you for you honest and sincere feedback.

It was very refreshing to hear and after some evaluation, I agree with your observations.

Tbh, I didn't realize my ego was showing as it comes off nor did I realize I come off a bit arrogant. I will definitely be more mindful of that and keep it in check.

I'm a learner and am taking all of your opinions and feedback in.

Marica - I enjoyed the sharing of your story and value your lessons learned. You're right about my copy being long winded. I had the same feeling after running through it.

I know I can be concise and to the point. I need to keep that in check as well. Moving forward before writing, I need to ask myself the right questions. This will guide me better as to what point I am looking to get across.

Gordon - Thank you for opening my eyes to my tone in response and how I come off. It definitely opened my eyes a bit in that regard.

I certainly plan on listening to the suggestions. In fact, I have hidden both pages on my site so I can work on re-writing them.

I'm also appreciative of your last comment as well. I feel it inside me that I can become a great copywriter and that's why always being open to learning is important to me.

As for my plan on getting people to my site. My current idea in mind is utilizing business cards, networking, cold emailing, and learning how to use Twitter as a platform.

I am not on social media such as FB. I've been off of sites for the last 5 years as I feel it's very distracting and not really my thing. In today's world, FB would be the last site I trust, especially with all the negative media it gets and their personal security issues regarding users.

However I can make a connection, I plan to do so.

I'm still very much in the planning stages of things and aware of my current ability. In my mind, I give myself at least 30-60 more days before really throwing myself out there.

All I know is I don't want to get myself stuck in preparation mode. Taking action is the most important thing. The rest will be figured out as I go along like many do.

My current site took me more than 2 weeks to figure out both pages. It's been a few re-writes and putting work to it. I definitely don't throw up what I put down without taking my time.

I know that the copy on my page especially now, is the most important show of work anyone can see. I don't have any previous client work, so this is it.

The goal is to put out my best and keep growing as I go.

Thank you again.

Mike

With consideration to some of the advice, I revised both pages on my site.

I focused on getting straight to the point and rewrote the homepage completely.

I chopped up the about me page to really get to the point. Kept in mind to eliminate myself as much as possible.

Looking forward to your feedback to let me know if I'm now more on the right track.

Pages are public again.

Thanks again for your responses.

Michael,

Habits are hard to break.

I'm not sure you know yet what a headline is and what a warmup to a headline is.

Because you are still doing what I criticized before.



Is that a headline? No.

Where is the real headline? Just below it.

What do you need to do? As I said before, you need to cut everything extra, all the preliminaries. For yourself and for your clients.

Marcia Yudkin

I was just stopped at the first sentence.


"Carefully crafted emails to make the difference in your business."


You may wish to consider changing to, to that and adding will. I.E.


Carefully crafted emails that will make the difference in your business.


Just being honest. But the whole page is full of sentences that are hard to get past.



Just my opinion.


Patrick

Hi Mike
I am a Shawn a web designer. Here are my comments.
Sales is sales, whether it is in person or online many of the same rules apply. We a salesman already know that customers buy based on emotions not features and benefits. We also know that to engage the emotions we need to create imagery in the prospects mind. Which is why storytelling sells so well. Your website displays none of this. Where is the imagery that will engage your prospects emotions of happiness and success? You need a good designer who understands how people buy. Your website looks as if you just throw it together in an hour.

As far as your web copy goes, people want measurably results. Your copy is to vague. I would be more specific. Ex. Increase your open rates by 20% GUARENTEED or your money back. Or 15% increase in your conversion rates on your first email campaign.

Recap: Use imagery to engage the emotions. Provide measurable results.

SAR -

Here's a rough draft from the homework you gave me.

Hopefully it shows some improvement. I kept it pretty short, 214 words.

So here goes nothing...

* Side note the lower half bullets are written as check marks. Doesn't show on here though.

The 3 top components your emails need to take 'em to the bank

Why writing a powerful subject line, lead, and offer can close more sales with your emails.

Because it's the championship fight for the title.

And if you're not building your messages with,

• Show-stopper subject lines
• Power leads
• And a unique offer that your customers cannot resist

Then you'll be down for the count!

Because people respond better with subject lines that stop them in their tracks.

Because leads guide them to feed their curiosity.

And because presenting an offer so perfect for them, they cannot say no.

SAR here and I'm a copywriter.

I can not only improve your open rates by 50%, I will also increase your sales up to 25% within the first 30 days.

I'm here to help you -

 Save time from your busy schedule
 Engage your audience with the tone of your brand
 Focus on your USP to better hook your customers

Most importantly, increase more sales.

Don't let your competition sneak by and grab your customers.

My copywriting will immediately take you to the next level.

Click contact me now and send me a brief message.

Tell me about your company and what your current goals are for your next project.

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