Please Review My LINKEDIN DIRECT MESSAGE Copywriting

by GS12
7 replies
Hi, I am Affiliate Marketing for a Crypto Trading Bot to investors in my niche on LinkedIn by first sending a Connection Request (with Personal Note Attached) AND a Follow Up Message (if they accept, but don't respond):

Please let me know your copy feedback:

CONNECTION INVITE

Hey { { first_name } }, you may think this is B.S initially, but once I show you Proof, you'll believe me. We will give you a (free) 100% Automated Crypto Bot that hasn't once failed to deliver its 40K+ investors a 20%-30% Monthly ROI, since its 2018 Bear Market Launch. May I tell you more?

FOLLOW UP #1

Hey Bach, hope you are well! Did you see the personal note I left for you above?

Crypto Arbitrage is when you buy Bitcoin on an exchange (eg. $6,500 on an Australian exchange) and then sell it for a profit on a more expensive exchange (eg. $7,200 on a Japanese exchange).

Imagine a free Automated Bot that does all that for you, 24/7. Unlike 99% of bots, this one actually works due to the massive amount of price differences on 500 global exchanges to make 20%-30% Monthly ROI, since March.

Are you interested in learning more?

PS: (first name), I've attached a very short slide deck for you to grasp all of this within a couple minutes.

(insert my website link here)
---

Please let me know how I can get the highest conversions. I want to message at least 200 people a day and convert 2 a day over time on average.
#copywriting #direct #linkedin #message #review
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  • Profile picture of the author SARubin
    I'm a bit confused...

    Is this example of a "connection invite" supposed to be a "personal" note?

    Because to me it looks like you're requesting LinkedIn connections, by starting the relationship with a cheesy sales pitch.

    The first word that comes to my mind is "spam"

    (And if you're going to be spamming people, at least have the decency to do it in a Monty Python accent. "spam, spam, spam and eggs... on toast")

    Originally Posted by GS12 View Post

    Hi, I am Affiliate Marketing for a Crypto Trading Bot to investors in my niche on LinkedIn by first sending a Connection Request (with Personal Note Attached AND a Follow Up Message (if they accept, but don't respond):

    Please let me know your copy feedback:

    CONNECTION INVITE

    Hey { { first_name } }, you may think this is B.S initially, but once I show you Proof, you'll believe me. We will give you a (free) 100% Automated Crypto Bot that hasn't once failed to deliver its 40K+ investors a 20%-30% Monthly ROI, since its 2018 Bear Market Launch. May I tell you more?

    [FOLLOW UP #1

    Hey Bach, hope you are well! Did you see the personal note I left for you above?

    Crypto Arbitrage is when you buy Bitcoin on an exchange (eg. $6,500 on an Australian exchange) and then sell it for a profit on a more expensive exchange (eg. $7,200 on a Japanese exchange).

    Imagine a free Automated Bot that does all that for you, 24/7. Unlike 99% of bots, this one actually works due to the massive amount of price differences on 500 global exchanges to make 20%-30% Monthly ROI, since March.

    Are you interested in learning more?

    PS: (first name), I've attached a very short slide deck for you to grasp all of this within a couple minutes.

    (insert my website link here)
    ---

    Please let me know how I can get the highest conversions. I want to message at least 200 people a day and convert 2 a day over time on average.
    Signature

    SARubin - Direct Response Copywriter / Conversion Flow Specialist
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  • Profile picture of the author Boaz Rossano
    Hey GS12
    Looks quite convincing. :-)
    Mmm... Are you send those messages manually or are using some form of automation / integration to send those messages to your Linkedin buddies?
    Zappier maybe?
    Thanks
    Boaz
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  • Profile picture of the author andreeafranco
    I would say that your first message is too salesy. You haven't built a relationship with the person, so they don't trust you yet.

    I'd tone down a bit the salesy message and really focus on persuading them to add you to their network... And easing into sales from messages 2 - 3.
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  • Profile picture of the author zeeko85
    Your product sounds fantastic, but your messaging definitely needs to be redone. Trust me, I own a company that only does Linkedin lead gen and scripting messages is the hardest part. You're giving them the idea of "BS" just by mentioning it, and you're treating your message as a direct message sales pitch. You'll waste a lot of your network.

    Make sure you don't assume until they tell you:
    1. They're interested in what you offer
    2. They're at the end of the sales cycle

    Instead of a sales pitch, give them a friendship pitch that gets them to open up about their needs so you can reply with your messaging accordingly. It may take more work, but you'll get higher conversation rates.
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    • Profile picture of the author AlanCarr
      Originally Posted by zeeko85 View Post

      You're giving them the idea of "BS" just by mentioning it, and you're treating your message as a direct message sales pitch. You'll waste a lot of your network.
      .
      Fully agree on this point!

      Right out of the gate OP is telling them it's BS (twice, if you consider "you may" as a command).

      Important copy tip: - the human brain doesn't really do negatives. When you say "This is not BS" the lizard brain just sees "This is *** BS", and reacts accordingly.



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  • Profile picture of the author SeanDezoysa
    When you get 5 "I don't know this person" reports, Linkedin will require you to add people by confirming their email. So watch out for that!
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  • Agree on the BS deal.

    No point introdoocin' BS -- speshly if they DIDN'T ACTSCHWLLY think they this is BS.

    Nowan likes tellin' what they thinkin' bcs most times they AIN'T -- an' even if they ARE, it jus' gets 'em riled.

    For Moi, main deal is mixed messagin' 'bout who the message is FROM.

    You an "I" or a "We"?

    Baseline, I wanna know who I am dealin' with.
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    Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff together.

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