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Email Copywriting - Criticism Wanted...

by MarketingAce
5 replies
Hi Warrior family,

So I'm currently working on a piece of software (edited by mod)

The software generates email promotional follow-ups (and A LOT MORE!)

All you have to do is fill in the blanks and the software will generate over 20 unique follow-ups based on your input.

Please read over a few messages that I've shared below and let me know what you copywriters think as for helping to promote products thru email.

I'd greatly appreciate HELPFUL criticism only. If you believe that it should be better in some aspects, then please be sure to be specific:

Subject: Another [PRODUCT-NAME] Feature - [SOME FEATURE-BENEFITS]...

BODY:
Hey [FIRST-NAME],

There's another [SOME FEATURE] feature that I haven't told you about....

The [SOME FEATURE] feature [SOME FEATURE-BENEFITS]!

You can learn a little more about this [SOME FEATURE] feature right below:
>> [PRODUCT-WEBSITE] <<

I don't want to bog you down by listings all of the POWERFUL features that this [PRODUCT-TYPE] has to offer, so that's why I prefer that you take a quick look for yourself on this page below.

Again, you can check them all out right here:
>> [PRODUCT-WEBSITE] <<

By the way [FIRST-NAME], what are your thoughts about [PRODUCT-NAME]?

As I've already mentioned before, I know that it's DEFINITELY going to help you along the way.

I'm not sure how much longer that [PRODUCT-NAME] is going to be set at this low price for, so again, I think that it would be best for you to act now before it's too late to get it for this CHEAP.....

Get it right now while you can!
>> [PRODUCT-WEBSITE] <<

Prices will soon reach $[HIGHEST-PRICE]!

Kind Regards,
[FULL-NAME]
[BRAND-NAME]
[PRODUCT-WEBSITE]
[EMAIL-ADDRESS]
[BUSINESS-ADDRESS]
#copywriting #criticism #email #wanted
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  • Profile picture of the author AlanCarr
    What's your budget?

    Advice is one thing but this seems... a bit much?

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  • Profile picture of the author wordwizard
    Uhm,

    I think your software needs to take a course
    on connecting with a human audience.

    The first sentence made that very clear...

    And then it continues like that.

    Also, consider talking about BENEFITS too!

    What are all those features doing for the reader?
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    • Profile picture of the author MarketingAce
      You obviously didn't even read or try to understand the structure of this email. You're not even elaborating on what you mean about that "first sentence".
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      • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
        Originally Posted by MarketingAce View Post

        You obviously didn't even read or try to understand the structure of this email. You're not even elaborating on what you mean about that "first sentence".

        K, so ... here goes the Elaborate ...


        tbh, you spend so much time duckin' outta promotin' your offer I wonder what this email is about.

        Subject: Another [PRODUCT-NAME] Feature - [SOME FEATURE-BENEFITS]...

        What is this? A series? Pokemon got GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL kudos, but if you droppin' benefits an email at at time prolly yr audience be dead by the time you done.

        BODY:
        Hey [FIRST-NAME],

        There's another [SOME FEATURE] feature that I haven't told you about....

        The purpose of emails is to tell me 'bout stuff, not inform me 'bout alla the cool shit you skipped last time.

        The [SOME FEATURE] feature [SOME FEATURE-BENEFITS]!

        This is gettin' kinda echolaic without first havin' produced sound.

        You can learn a little more about this [SOME FEATURE] feature right below:
        >> [PRODUCT-WEBSITE] <<

        This is a FILLER LINE. It tells me NUTHIN'. The line "right below" shoulda mebbe gone there & got me to the point of your message sooner -- whatevah that message actschwlly is.

        I don't want to bog you down by listings all of the POWERFUL features that this [PRODUCT-TYPE] has to offer, so that's why I prefer that you take a quick look for yourself on this page below.

        K, so what DO you wanna do? You jus' fannyin' around sayin' NUTHIN'. Best deal to avoid boggin' people down an' jauntin' 'em off to sum EXTRA HURDLE TO CROSS link is to come clean an' dish clear & present benefits in a YUMMY WAY.

        Again, you can check them all out right here:
        >> [PRODUCT-WEBSITE] <<

        You can lead a horse to water, but the more fences you force it to jump along the way, the likelier it is to be DEAD by the time it hits the frickin' bar.

        By the way [FIRST-NAME], what are your thoughts about [PRODUCT-NAME]?

        Be cool to have sum actschwl info 'steada jus' a vacuum -- otherwise I gotta go make stuff up.

        As I've already mentioned before, I know that it's DEFINITELY going to help you along the way.

        Usin' filler waffle as proof of what your prospects be thinkin' & feelin' at this stage prolly wins you a punch in the chops from most anywan ain't clearly stoopid,

        I'm not sure how much longer that [PRODUCT-NAME] is going to be set at this low price for, so again, I think that it would be best for you to act now before it's too late to get it for this CHEAP.....

        Awwwwwwkay -- I get that this is a CTA, but you could mebbe be more succinct. HELP! gets attention way quicker than I HAVE A PYTHON INCIDENT CRACKING OFF IN THE VICINITY OF MY NECK AREA AND WOULD BE MOST GRATEFUL OF IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE, PREFERABLY FROM ARMED COPS.

        Get it right now while you can!
        >> [PRODUCT-WEBSITE] <<

        2 things to do first. 1) Show me what you got. 2) Make me want it so bad I could pee myself.

        Prices will soon reach $[HIGHEST-PRICE]!

        Deal with layin' stuff on with a trowel is not to be seen holdin' the trowel.

        Kind Regards,
        [FULL-NAME]
        [BRAND-NAME]
        [PRODUCT-WEBSITE]
        [EMAIL-ADDRESS]
        [BUSINESS-ADDRESS]


        Hope this helps.
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  • Profile picture of the author art72
    Popeye eats spinage...

    I'm not a fan of spinning emails, too generic... kinda like blow up dolls, just doesn't seem to trigger much emotional value...

    I mean, I've received plenty of poorly written emails even from some of the greats, but what stands out is when they write something so epic it's like God gave them a vision to know what's in your soul... No software can generate that kind of message brother!

    Besides... if you've built a decent email list - why risk losing people to a software...better off hiring a writer, probably be cheaper too!

    Idk... I wouldn't risk it and my current email list consists of one main reader; me!
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