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Roast ot Toast: My cold email copy

by grimsby
4 replies
Hello
I'm trying to create a cold email to get business owners to try out a demo for my service. Its SMS based so they just need to send a keyword to a number to get going.

Here's my copy:

Hey, my name is XXXX and I run a software company in the UK. I found you while searching for [Niche] in [City] on Google maps. I'd like to ask you a couple of quick questions.

What do 99% of your customers look at every five minutes?
  • The grass grow
  • Their phone
  • Their feet
If you answered "their phone", then you're right. It's pretty incredible how much of our attention is taken up by these little screens.

Let me ask you another one...
How quickly do you read a new text message?
If you're like most people you check it within five minutes. *

Again, our phones are dominating our time.

Would you like a piece of this?
We're launching a new product to help service businesses just like yours manage their customer engagement, basically to get your customers coming back again and again.
Its all SMS based so you can get your customers attention right where they're spending much of their time.

We've set up a quick demo so you can see for yourself exactly how it works. Simply send the keyword XXXX to 123-456-7890 or reply to this message.

Regards
Name

*Source of stats

........................................
I'm no copywriter and I'm sure there is ( a lot) of room for tweaking/ improving this, but I'd love to know your thoughts on whether this is a good approach to take or not.



Cheers
#cold #copy #email #roast #toast
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  • Profile picture of the author lambertson
    I think it lacks personalization. For example, you could remind business owners in a certain niche of their pains within your test. Like:
    What do 99% of your customers look at every five minutes?
    • Your billboard
    • Their phone
    • Your site
    • A brand new <their product>
    Also, I'd move a call-to-action question to the very end of the email.
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    • Profile picture of the author Greg Meehan
      I agree. A "call to action" is a must have in the email.
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  • Profile picture of the author grimsby
    Thank you Lambertson - thats a nice tip!
    Regarding the CTA for the demo, do you mean that I include it like a ps -below my name?
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  • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
    Gonna run through here with sum comments as I read along withya ...



    Originally Posted by grimsby View Post

    Hello
    I'm trying to create a cold email to get business owners to try out a demo for my service. Its SMS based so they just need to send a keyword to a number to get going.

    Here's my copy:

    Hey, my name is XXXX and I run a software company in the UK. I found you while searching for [Niche] in [City] on Google maps. I'd like to ask you a couple of quick questions.



    This is more about you than your ideal client. Plus also, the maps deal makes you sound forensic ... like 2,485 other people got an email same as this. So, if'n you SEARCHED & FOUND SOMETHIN' ... be SPECIFIC. Always in any mass mailout pitch template there should be space for creative personalization.


    What do 99% of your customers look at every five minutes?
    • The grass grow
    • Their phone
    • Their feet
    If you answered "their phone", then you're right. It's pretty incredible how much of our attention is taken up by these little screens.

    Let me ask you another one...
    How quickly do you read a new text message?
    If you're like most people you check it within five minutes. *

    Again, our phones are dominating our time.


    Granma sucks eggs. So, like you're sayin' ... most web sh*t cracks off on PHONES? Evrywan knows this -- so if'n you offerin' this revelation as srs good nooz, people gonna wonder where you been livin' for the past few years. So ... ditch all this phone stuff.


    Would you like a piece of this?


    See how I jus' DEFINED "phone stuff". Right now, your "THIS" refers to nuthin'. This WHAT exactly? You started out with self-referential promo, told me alll kindsa stuff 'bout phones & marketin' I already know, an' now you MAKIN' AN OFFER ... c'mon, get THIS. tbh you got an evocative phrase here, but you can't deploy it effectively till you've said sumthin' like this next part FIRST ...



    We're launching a new product to help service businesses just like yours manage their customer engagement, basically to get your customers coming back again and again.


    You want 'basically', you shop at Wal-Mart. "Just like yours" is more like the voice you need throughout your pitch.


    Its all SMS based so you can get your customers attention right where they're spending much of their time.

    We've set up a quick demo so you can see for yourself exactly how it works. Simply send the keyword XXXX to 123-456-7890 or reply to this message.


    So ... I do this an' what happens? Why should I do this? Gotta figure I could set up a spy camera in a CHEMISTRY CLASS an' figure all I need to know 'bout OXYGEN an' HELIUM an' stuff. But why would I wanna do that?


    Plus, a "quick" demo? Am I so not worth your time you can crack off a whole buncha cheapo stuff while you hittin' on 2,485 other select chumps?


    Regards
    Name

    *Source of stats

    ........................................
    I'm no copywriter and I'm sure there is ( a lot) of room for tweaking/ improving this, but I'd love to know your thoughts on whether this is a good approach to take or not.

    Cheers

    That's the angle I would wanna take on this.
    Signature

    Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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